Hay gurls haay! We’re with Bachelor in Paradise and one bachelor having his grouchy, hungover arse escorted offsite, let’s see what happens on our drunken island of iniquity tonight!

We’re back where we left, watching Chad argue with himself about who’s gonna be more embarrassed about being SENT HOME the first day.  Some gems: (to Chris Harrision)“on a scale of one to fcuk off, fcuk off” and he wanted to be The Bachelor, whut? “They were all vibing me until they realized they were not supposed to be vibing.” And he thought he had a legit chance with Lace and Amanda. I would totally agree as far as Lace, but had to laugh as he chastises himself: he should not have drunk that much the first night *pours out a bunch of Johnny Walker Red* He’s gone with a “damnit! You know how many people I gotta kill?”

Eyebrows has already done the Maths and figured out that with him gone, one more woman might go home and she wants to lock the doors (they don’t understand that there are ALREADY aholes there. Behind the locked doors). Cue rando blonde climbing down the stairs in inappropriate footwear!

It’s Leah! Who looks literally like every other blonde ever on this show; but Emily calls her “that lying bitch from Ben’s season” and then greets her with a “hiyyyiiiiii!!!! You look cuuuuuuuu!!”

Leah has a date card and she’d like to share protein tips with Chad. Crickets all around until they explain that he’s already been sent home. Ohhh.  She feels “blindsided” because Chad getting drunk and being sent home is clearly a move about HER. She wanders off with Daniel, which is a solid meathead backup plan, giving the other women time to make fun of her lips. Emily and Haley decide to REALLY make fun and

Remember when you were 23 and you and your twin sister with dyed blonde extensions, fake tans, botox and fake boobs thought you had room to talk shite about another woman with plumped-up lips? Nah, me either

The girls all hide and sneak Nick over to hide; Amanda’s afraid Leah will swoop in and STEAL him!

Remember when you were a moron and you thought you could actually steal another person’s affection like a watch left on a nightstand? As though your damaged relationship was somehow the responsibility of someone else BUT you and the person innit? And btw, this “relationship” was only 24 hours old? Not me either, wow, but that sounds harsh

They all sigh with relief when they have Nick safe on their couch, but just as one of the twins (they both have scoliosis) is showing Nick her hump, up pops Lips! She asks Nick out, OF COURSE, as Amanda pouts. Did you know Nick has a huge heed? Like an orange on a toothpick! 7 3/8 and let me just say: he was not super clear as to what he was talking about and I bet I wasn’t the only one who had to roll that tape back. Side note: I also have a giant melon! It’s a virtual planetoid!

The twins have a banana eating contest in front of the guys because of course they do.  I mean. The producers try to drum up some sympathy for Lace, who bet on the wrong Chad last night and is now facing the possibility of leaving roseless, since her 3 hour relashie (it was what it was; there were reasons it didn’t work out – I CAN’T EVEN), so Grant gets sent over (from Vinny, THAT’S how juvenile these GROWN PEOPLE are) to comfort her while she chats with Jorge. I love that Jorge is getting more speaking parts, but that was not even worth the time it took to type that.

Leah and Nick have a decent date, ending in a feral necking session on the beach, whut? Leah thinks it was romantic, I think it looked desperate as HAYULL. She basically attacked him with her face-pillows. He also looks like a giant monkey: dose ears. Cannot be unseen.

Ungenerous side note: from dead on, the twins are totally typically gorgeous, from the side they look like rats in Harlow wigs. That’s some unfortunate dental work.

Amana video chats with her hooligans; that has to be hard to be away. I went away from my Middle and Biggest kiddos to see their dad (before there was a Wee) and the one time I tried video chatting with them, Middle LOST HIS SHITE and I wasn’t allowed to do it again. It took them over an hour to get him calmed down and then he stopped eating and would just stare at the minivan in the driveway. Guess who got to come home early? NO, GUESS??

Leah thinks she has this Nick rose in the bag, but guess who gets a date card? No, GUESS???!! It’s Nick! Leah’s ‘cited: two dates today, Batches! But no! He chooses Amanda, of course, since they’ve been vibing, and Leah is devastated. They had that one date. And now he’s going to have another date, on a show where you’re supposed to date lots of people. How can he DO that to her??

She decides the way to handle this is to maturely pass along best wishes to them both, secure in the knowledge that any connection she and Nick made will survive if it was real. Just kidding, she goes creepy AF and taunts Amanda while she’s getting ready, you’re wearing the same makeup, Amanda, HE’S ONLY DATING YOU BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE ME, AMANDA! being the inference.

The date goes about as well as you’d expect; (zzzzzzzzz) lots of pretend talking and then making out around a campfire while us creepers watch. I feel dirty. Leah cries and cries and hypnotises me with her shiny, shiny forehead that doesn’t move.  I FINK she cries?

When did these shows all get together and decide there is only one way for women to wear their hair? All straight with extensioned mermaid waves right by their faces that they can push back flirtatiously while scrunching surreptitiously.

Sarah makes a move on Vinnie, who’s looking for his best friend. Izzy with the shiny, shiny forehead is worried while Vinny rubs Sarah’s upper knee area.

Carly’s contemplating and wondering about kissing Evan and guuuurl, don’t do it. Kissing Evan would be like frenching a moistened, microwaved sponge. They go manage to get some smacking in, which he thinks is “incredible” but she…does not. You know, if you want a really butch dude, Carly, as you keep talking about, a “man’s man” whatever the FARK that means (gay?), why are you trying to make out with Evan? In Evan’s defense, you need to teach EVERY new person you make out with how you like to be kissed;  nobody knows that without being shown. Maybe someone in Evan’s past liked the dead tongue lying on top of her tongue like a slug move! ‘Splain to him. But yeah: zero chemistry.

We get a bonus montage of Evan rubbing his own nipple while Carly shit-talks him to the other women. I think Carly has forgotten she’s a lovetestant; she’s supposed to be throwing down, not providing pithy commentary on her fellow daters.

Lace decides to lock down that rose, kissing Grant on the beach (it always looks as though she’s fighting) and then going to his room. She thinks she’s being clever by covering the camera, but it STILL HAS SOUND, so we getta hear whatever it is that made her moan (but no sound like a dead fish being thrown  against rocks repeatedly, so) while not removing any of her clothing. We know that because the blanket fell off the camera and it was HIGH-LARRY-US when Lace realized.

Leah blows up a giant swan floatie because: sure. She’s all about the inflatables.

Rose ceremony pre-mixer! Everyone breaks up into twos; Jared has Emily AND Cherries after him, sorry Jubilee. Sarah presses her case with Vinny, who gives her a bunch of kisses. Remember JJ who went for arse-grabs whenever possible (when he knew the ladies were…motivated) last season when he had the rose power? Such a yerk. Izzy interrupts to get her own face-mushing with Vinny, does he taste like Sarah, Izzy? Of course he does.

Leah’s wearing this awful floral clavicage outfit with her greasy weave slicked back; she knows Nick deserves this, I mean, “just look at me.” He’s been through this TOO MANY TIMES, NICK. She goes at him hard and he’s surprisingly honest with her. He feels more of a connection with Amanda and he’s going to give Amanda his rose. Leah leaves with not one more word (she feels blindsided again), switching to Daniel without missing a beat. Moving on!

Daniel should never be allowed to talk; Leah says she has layers, like an onion, so he asks if she’s gonna make him cry? And then they have a really confusing conversation. Daniel… Don’t talk! THEN he wanders over and talks about how stupid the twins are (they’re just very young) and times his conversation with Cherries. Such.a.dick

Rose ceremony! Couples are: Grant and Lace; Nick and Amanda; Evan and Carly; Jared and Emily (so Haley gets to stay too); Vinny and… Izzy, not Sarah. Daniel gets the last rose and who will get it? Sarah! He says they saved the best for last (I roll my eyes with Leah) and he must be getting a bonus. He never even TALKED to Sarah before this mixer.

This is not Sarah’s show

Leah and Cherries Jubilee are sent home, which I TOTALLY called. Cherries cries on the way home, and aww, there just wasn’t anyone there for her. I liked her; I just didn’t see anything going on. Leah cries and cries and cries and she was there for ONE NIGHT I mean. Slow claps, producers, for showing Nick and Amanda making out on the bed at the same time. I don’t know about Nick and Amanda’s chemistry, tho.

So.many.body shots after the commercial break! I mean camera shots of body parts, I have no idea who these disembodied parts belong to!

Now we have moar menz arriving! Starting with Josh Murray, who got engaged on this show (Reno says he broke Andi’s heart, he says he has faith in the process, which means he doesn’t understand that a broken fake TV engagement is not typically considered success); Sarah calls him “next-level handsome.” He interviews all the girls while Nick explains why he’s so quiet: Andi picked Josh over him. They have a history, and share an attraction for the same women. Like Amanda. Guess who Josh picks for a date?? No, GUESS??!!

Good job producers!

Why are the women always sitting around on that one big couch? Are they in training for Big Brother?

Daniel stirs the pot; how do you feel about that, Nick? “I’M DEALING WITH IT, DANIEL” hahahaha!

Josh and Amanda talk about Nick a LOT on their date, that’s odd, hey? But oooh, there’s a book! Andi Dorfmann wrote a book about her suitors and it was not flattering towards Josh whatsoever. Book Club?? From what I can tell online, Josh was verbally abusive and it’s impossible to know what ACTUALLY happens inside a relationship. Nick confirms that most of what Andi said about him is true, so he figures that means what Andi said about Josh was true. I don’t know if you could really extrapolate like that, but sure.

I think there’s nude snorkeling? Pixellating?  And Nick waaaa waaaas waaaaas walking on the beach staring at his feet while Amanda necks with Josh. Pfft. Too much, producers, take it down a scootch. It all comes down to what makes your naughty bits tingle, right? If you don’t have that, you haven’t got anything, that just can’t be ALLLLL you have. So maybe she likes extry-dbaggy and not faux-hipster, keep dealing with it, Nick.

Evan’s like 12, hey? And he’s so ‘cited to ask out Carly, but there is NO chemistry whatsoever!! NONE! It’s so creepy, y’all. And then she says he’s like her first boyfriend who now has his OWN boyfriend. The Closet is REAL and it is in Pyorti Voyarti. She decides to hide from him because he gives HER erectile dysfunction but of course he gets a date card and she hesitates for a full minute, LOL. She doesn’t wanna go, doesn’t wanna dress up, blergh. Is this so she understands how Kirk felt last year? He led her on for several weeks and then finally filled her in at the last minute: he was Just Not That Into Her.

Their date is in a crowd, though, yay! Chris Harrison challenges them to make history tonight; all they have to do is eat habanero peppers and kiss for 90 seconds. Habanero peppers make my belleh hurt just looking at them, so I’m oot!

They break the world record and I don’t believe that for a second. I mean. That hurt my bum just watching, but Carly threw hers up later, so I guess just the throat for her. It’s like taking inventory after a long date! How’s your bum? Good, but my throat is on FIYAH!

Everyone sits around the fire, why is nobody hitting the bar? Jared and Emily and discussing all the serious stuff, like their fave colours, numbers…she can’t believe he isn’t falling for her! She has “really, really big boobs and a nice butt”…and no personality…she manages to wangle a kiss but Jared. He’s completely asexual.

Josh and Amanda are all over each other; just too much producer shenanigans. Making out in front of Nick, who she had a “huge crush” on? Someone takes her away for a minute while Nick and Josh chat it up. I don’t understand why people find Josh attractive; I like his accent, but his “God has a plan” bidness is getting up my nose. Moar necking in front of Nick, I mean. Come on.

Jared has given Josh the title of “Mr. StealYourGirl” and that’s Trey Songz, gurl, don’t get it twisted. As I said above, you can’t actually steal another person, not their affection or their physical being. Well. Not legally anyway.

It is so bloody tacky, Amanda and Josh macking away (Josh moaning even) in front of everyone while Josh interviews that he’s a lion, not a sheep. “Roar.” I mean. We’re oot!

First off, I was clearly wrong about them milking Chad for another episode, yay that! Maybe he’ll be brought back later, tough to say. I can’t even with this stupid Nick vs. Josh Rematch storyline, I mean, we all know this shite is manufactured or floofed, you can’t expect us to actually buy that any of that happened organically. Sarah: go home; this is not your show. Carly, we get it, you’re not into fey Evan, just tell him, stop making rude comments behind his back. You don’t like effeminate men, got it, move on. Some people dig that, you do not. Goodnight y’all, until tomorrow where they get us for ANOTHER show. Whut?