Welcome back ladies and gents, it’s TTM carrying on about Bachelor in Paradise again! Are you ready for a BUNCH more drunken shenanigans on our Island of Lurve? Me TOO! Brace yourself, Chris Harrison calls it SHOCKING! Rolling Bachelor in Paradise S3:E6 after the break!

So. Does anyone remember where we left things last week? Oh right. Kardashley was crying

Jared and I would like someone to puncture at least one of our eardrums, your choice which! Pro tip: if you mute Kardashley, she looks like she’s laughing maniacally. Everyone else is gossiping about it, of course, as Ashley monologues about her love for Jared for the 8000th time. We get it, you dig Jared. You’re into asexual almost-models who aren’t into your pretend-virgin arse. HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU IN “that” WAY! Stop making every single thing about you and your ridiculous torch for a man who has clearly explained that he doesn’t wanna mush wobblies with you!

Jared’s getting more and more frustrated; what else can he do? And now his new pretend girlfriend Caila, whom I forgot already, is thinking she might wanna bail too! This is emotional blackmail and you are too old for these high school games, faker.

Jared asks what we’re all thinking: why would she come here? To get over him, of course, I STALKED YOU COZ I LOVE YOU AND TOTALLY RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.

That’s it, Jared’s going home, it’s so unfair that he’s here having this conversation AGAIN. Why did she come there, knowing he was going to be there? Completely dry-eyed Ashley thought she might meet someone she liked more! But then *fake crying* “nothing makes me happier than being with you!” *still no tears*

He shuts her down: “Ash. I like Caila”

Moar tears and then he finally walks away; he’s not putting up with any more of the Kardashley Show tonight.

He goes back to the hut where nooooobody was intently listening to their conversation and grabs Caila, who just about leaps out of her seat. Jared talks to Caila, who totally understands (I know people like her hair, I’m just trying to imagine how HOTTT that would be in Mexico) and doesn’t want to talk about it. Like, ever.

Ashley’s playing for more camera time with Jorge, blah blah snort blah laughing blah worst pain ever blah laughing. This can be heard in the background of Jared and Caila’s talk, by the way.

Remember when you were 27 and you looked for attention in any way possible, to advertising your sexual history (or lack therof) to laughing and / or crying really loudly at social gatherings to making everything about you and your drama?

Caila interviews that it’s “hard to see Ashley in so much pain” *deadpan* but it wouldn’t be necessarily the WORST thing if Ashley went home tonight. You know, so Ashley can move on.

Carly and Evan. Well. Last week, Carly discovered some latent feelings for our fey Evan-ish, thanks to a perfectly timed faked injury. That just goes to show, if someone doesn’t like you, lie to them and play on their sympathy and maybe, if you’re lucky, they will make out with you in desperation so they don’t have to go home or compete with the Boobsie Twins for whatever moronic musclehead shows up next. Twue wuv!

Carly can’t believe she almost let Evan go, he’s one of “the things she should just never have pushed away.” Like that extra macaroon at lunch, or the eighth slice of pizza and I get it, those things make me wanna hurl too. She had such a good time and sorry she’s been so wishy-washy! She’s just figuring this out now and she’s sorry and *big cinematic kiss*

Evan creeps me out SO MUCH when he laughs. I can actually feel my reproductive organs retreating. But hey! Maybe it’s really nice there and the drinks are cheap, an extra week probably looks pretty good!

So weird gay-baity Canadian (I’m not affiliated with him!) Daniel is the big dog tonight, he’s got the rogue rose tonight and boy does he know it. The power has gone right to his head and I’m just wondering if Sarah will have skidmarks on her adorable arse when he kicks her to the curb.

He’s lounging on an outside bed, just waiting for the ladies to start rolling in; he’s papa bear! He’s POTUS and Ghandi, all rolled in to one douchey package! And who do we spy? Sarah! She baked him a half-birthday cake. He’s getting turned on right now and then she calls him Daddy and Imma need a minute.

The pornical music starts then, does he want her to feed him? He wants a “big one. Just put it in my mouth” and you know it’s no fun if you make it too easy for us, right Daniel? You’re trying too hard.

Example: “I feel so naughty. I need to be spanked.”

We all know he means “I’d like to be railed like a hobo at a state fair” but Sarah just thinks it’s adorable. Oh Sarah, you know when you ask someone something sexy and they answer “Mmm” and then suggest showering first, you are not on the same page. Related: when you have to call YOURSELF beautiful and say your date is super lucky for you to be next to them: this is not the guy.

Remember when you went on a dating show and you were smart and funny and you were surrounded by beautiful morons and it made you sad that everyone was too busy looking in mirrors to notice your specialness? WHY DID YOU COME BACK??? TWICE??

I once threw a half-birthday for my oldest, but I blame lack of sleep.

The “Twinners” don’t wanna leave, so they’re gonna come up with “something pretty dramatic” to get to stay. By that they mean one of them has to kiss Daniel without throwing up. Haley figures Daniel isn’t the ugliest guy she’ll ever kiss, but Emily’s peptalk probably isn’t helping. “You’re not gonna get a disease. You’re not going to die…you’re not gonna vomit.”  She ends with “you’re gonna love it. And you’re gonna swallow it” and hold on, what are we talking about? Kissing??

Daniel has feeling for Hayley you know, like he saw her butt and he was all “Damn. You know” and it’s like poetry. Unn. She’s all like I’ve been trying to hang but you’re always with Sarah and he’s all well gurl, I don’t like her like that and she’s all well I want to get to, like, know you and I totes mean it so Imma kiss you like I owe you money.

So. Daniel’s spent several hours with Sarah, who he claims to like (totally doesn’t – coaster rose all the way) but he’s dumping her for the most unromantic kiss since Evan and Carly Week One? See what I mean, Sarah? Beautiful morons

You know what this reminds me of? I spent a summer in a strip joint with a friend who was dating the manager, I’ve not seen this many fake boobs / tans / teeth / extensions since.

Daniel’s giving Ashley dating advice now, I think it’s best if I break it down in point form:

• Since she’s a virgin, she should date lotsa guys
• Date 5 guys at once (highly recommend)
• Slut it up a little
• Bang 10 guys in a month, you’re sure to like one!
• Repeat as necessary

HAHAHAHHAHAHA  okay, okay Bachelor in Paradise, you got me with Daniel’s interview answers about sex with a virgin and all it’s blocking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ashley thinks she had a good talk with Daniel about heartbreak, not that he speculated to hundreds of thousands of people about whether she watches a lot of porn (only for tips).

Sarah thinks out loud that it would be great if a guy who likes her would come and sit next to her. He stays sitting right next to Haley, and Sarah, just. If you have to SAY it. He doesn’t need your rose any more, so he’s not carrying you any further.

The twins work on their vocabulary while pouting and try to look as though they’re thinking during the Rose Ceremony, just. Stop.

Ashley’s trying to figure out what she’s gonna do when Jared gives his rose to Caila; put in earplugs, throw herself wailing to the floor, her shrieks muted by my remote? That last one may have been me. Thank goodness her and Caila are lined up next to each other so we don’t get a crick in our necks! I think she’s gonna throw up in Calia’s hair!

Couples in order rose-d: Grantt and Lace; Josh and Amanda; Nick and Jen; Izzy and Vinny; Carly and Evan; and now the Jared rose: where will it go??

Side note: Ashley doesn’t like Caila because she smiles when it makes no sense. There are three reasons people smile like Caila does, I’ll let you sort out in comments which one you think it is: 1) she thinks she’s still in Miss America training 2) she’s secretly a mean cheerleader and those smiles are just to lure in participants for the gonzo pron she’s shooting on the side 3) people with a history of abuse and / or substance abuse sometimes smile a lot to downplay the pain they feel on an ongoing basis, they don’t fully understand how incongruous that looks. They may think smiling makes them more approachable, misunderstanding that those smiles are like catnip to a chickenhawk. One of those three, you decide!

Jared gives his rose to…Caila! Is it okay if she smiles now, Ashley?? Guess who makes this all about her? NO, GUESS????

Final rose time! It’s Daniel, whoever will he pick? Ah Haley and even though she “doesn’t like Daniel that way”, she got that rose for her and her sister. The Boobsie Twins live on.

Sarah and Ashley leave, Sarah monologuing about how she got sent home AGAIN, after investing AGAIN and I’m pretty sure it’s optional, dude. This is not your show, Sarah

Ashley strides out, my hand is already hovering over the Mute button…oh but its more than that! Stop the car! Stop the car, Ashley’s going back!

The singles are toasting to another week surviving in Paradise, who dat coming down the stairs?? Ashley can barely keep a straight face while she explains: the talk with Jared lifted a huge weight off her shoulders, you know, the same talk he’s had with her 786 times before, but this time it stuck and she’d sure like to stay and try again. Emily and Haley lead the charge to let her stay “Yes. Please stay” and it is taking every bit of willpower I have to not throw something at my TV.

Carly and Caila are HORRIFIED.

Nick reminds Ashley to be her best self, HAHAHAHA. I love Nick. This is the new Ashley and she’s not even fazed by the new guy walking in. It’s Carl, you know, CARL!

From Andi’s season. Nobody can remember his name, even though it’s the same as Carly’s. She thinks. Emily finally gets it…

He’s not Ashley’s type, but he IS Emily’s type, he’s soooo hoootttttt. Emily’s taken him aside already, she’s wearing a really cute strappy hot pink bikini that she’s fetchingly displaying while he asks if their age gap is okay: 32 to 23. I thought he was giving her his measurements HAHAHA

Next to arrive is Brett from Andi’s season. He came to meet Andi with a lamp and now he’s brought one to paradise.

He didn’t want to come empty handed! Let’s just say he was super hot meeting Andi and now

Ashley could be almost maybe interested in him! RUN BRETT!!! Too late anyway, Izzy is INSTANTLY attracted to him. She can’t get over it. Even though he was carrying a lamp and has rolled –up ripped boyfriend jeans and flip flops.

Brett has a date card too! It leaves in an hour also and he better hustle! Brett came for Caila, so he takes her aside for a chat while Izzy watches and plans the effigy she’s going to make out of his earwax.

Brett’s a hairstylist! Like, a straight one and he’s not worried coz Caila has great hair. Ashley PUSHES Brett at Caila and I am so GLAD she’s totally over Jared and not just there to sabotage his “love life”! It’s inspiring, really!

Guess who asks out Caila? No, GUESS??!!

Remember when you were 27 and you’d never had a relationship and you thought liking how someone let you babble for hours was love? And how no matter how many times they told you they didn’t want to date you, you KNEW you could convince them you were their true love just as soon as you isolated him from dating ANY other woman. Yeah, me neither.

Jared takes Caila aside and huh. If she thinks dating another guy will help her solidify her feelings for him, well, sure, that works sometimes, right? Dating Mr. Wrong just makes Mr. Right Now acceptable sometimes.

Okay, she thinks she’d not going to go. But no, maybe she will and I’m actually kind of worried about her. She has a scared robotic look in her eyes; is she signaling us for help?? Blink twice!

Caila lets Brett know she won’t be going on the date, hurry up, Brett! Date starts in 45! Let’s take a walk! Okay, she’s gonna go, let’s go! No, sorry, she can’t. She thinks feelings are complicated.

Daniel wants to live in a cave with Jared.

And then Caila leaves for the date. Jared thinks this is karma; he broke up with all the wimmens last time and now he’s being dumped for a lamp.

Sad Jared is humping a small hot tub while swearing he’s not going to worry about Brett and Caila.

Emily and Hot Carl are having a great time on their date, bumping and grinding on the boat while Caila and Brett enjoy some square dancing. Emily can’t remember Hot Carl’s name, but he sure is hot!

Jared and Ashley are laying out on a day bed; is he gonna cry? He can if he wants. Carly figures this is Ashley’s chance to win Jared back AND YOU GUYS ARE JUST PERPETUATING THIS BULLSHIT

Ashley thinks this is just like a romance novel! Maybe one of the Harlequins from the 60s, you know the ones, where rapey was confused with masterful alla time

The double daters (seriously, BiP, cheap bastages) are enjoying lapdances aship now, well. Emily’s enjoying having Hot Carl grinding on her but this is NOT Caila’s scene. She tries, but her pageant smile is fixing into a rictus grin while Brett wonders if he should have asked someone else. Especially when she talks about Jared the whole time. She wants to run home to her man!

Jared tries to work up some tears, but he needs moar practice! Try poking your fingers into the corner of your eyes! Ashley calls Caila a “back-stabbing whore” and laughs, she calls it “a little bit of a joke and half-heartedly whole-heartedly true.”

The daters get back, Caila dragging Jared off for a walk right away. She wants to clarify her feelings, which is not at all what she does. She doesn’t like pressure, wants to hang out and then they’re making out, all while Ashley listens AND watches.

Mute button while Ashley cries and walks on the beach.

Whoever invented the Mute button will get all my next paycheque**

**I’m a self-employed blogger. Do you take bottles?

Bonfire time! Haley’s trying to explain Daniel, who’s flexing for Nick in the background, she is just over it. He’s trying too hard. Brett figures he’s in with Haley with a chance.

Hey, more manmeat for Ashley to ignore! This is Ryan B from Kaitlyn’s season:

And I already forgot him. Nobody knows him and he can’t see anyone, I sure hope he beelines for someone in a “committed” relationship! He calls himself a normal guy with bad jokes and no game: it’ll be refreshing! That’s almost Canadian levels of self-deprecation, and he’s channeling Campbell Scott from Singles (I MUST WATCH SOON) so I’ll take it! Haley is also willing to take a ride on the “cute and nice personality” dude while Daniel flexes in the foreground with words.

He’s gonna get the lay of the land from Jared, who draws him a flow chart of love. Jared sends him at Ashley (oooh that’s MEAN!) and Haley, so Ryan B starts with Ash.

Ashley talks about Jared the whole time, so what’s up Haley?? He doesn’t even say a word to Haley first, he leads with asking for a date and that’s what Ashley’s obsessive clinginess does to peeps.

Haley’s glad to be going out on a date, mostly so she can get away from Daniel, who actually BELIEVED her when she said she wanted to get to know him better! Can you BELIEVE it?? It’s like she sold it with a kiss or someping! Gaaaahd he just won’t go AWAY and even her staring out at the ocean instead of looking at him while he’s talking to her isn’t giving him a clue. He’s sure Haley thinks he’s funny and interesting and cool and it’s just that she’s intimidated by all his muscled beauty.

We all know someone who says that about themselves; people are just too intimidated to talk to them! It’s not that people find them boring or incredibly self-centered or weirdly aggressive, it’s that everyone is INTIMIDATED. You can usually find this person paired up with someone who is convinced everyone else is jealous. If I could, I’d draw you a Venn diagram and you’d getit

Haley and Ryan B are going horseback riding! Petulo is a lovely horse and I hope he doesn’t throw the 80 pound moron on his back. After 10 minutes, she’s certain: Ryan is getting her rose.

Grant is staring into the ocean and pondering his love for the crazy, crazy Lace. He needs her to be ready in half and hour! He’s set up a couples massage for them and I don’t know why other couples don’t do more of that. You wanna date someone, date someone! You’re in Paradise! And you can get anything for five American dollars.

Awwww and later, sipping champers in the hot tub (so HOT in the hot tub), he tells her he loves her! Awww. Well, first he tells her he knew he cared about her because he was telling himself he DIDN’T and maybe leave those ruminations out of the first time you pop those three little words out of a bottle, okay?

She doesn’t say it back, instead asking what he loves about her and then crying. He says I Love You and buncha more times, but she still doesn’t bite. She interviews that she just can’t say it yet and take your time, Lace! It doesn’t HAVE to happen in a fortnight.

Vinny is digging imagining his future with Izzy, but she’s harbouring certain doubt. Mostly centered on her immediate appreciation of Brett. She wants to explore other options, and I’m pretty sure “options” is code for “peni” in that sentence.

Izzy’s moved on from talking about Brett with the other girls to talking to Brett himself; joining him on an outside bed while Vinny watches. He’s trying to “decipher that situation” and Ryan and the bros laugh. Brett’s face lit UP when he realized someone was interested in him, awww, so cute. Izzy’s going to go talk to Vinny about it but she didn’t want to go to bed without telling Brett how she felt.

Izzy takes Vinny for a walk, starting with asking if he noticed she was a little weird today? She’s only feeling 75% with him and she wants to be 100% and by the way, she lurves Brett. She doesn’t want to hurt him…

This revelation is blowing Vinny’s mind, he’s crying and can’t BELIEVE Izzy would throw away everything they had (?) over a dude in rolled-up jeans and sandals. I am gonna go out on a limb here and say Vinny may not be the most enlightened Paradise Islander.

Vinny is sad panda-ing all over Paradise, he can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he’s crushed. Moar crying. He thought he would leave with Izzy. He breaks it to the boys, Grant’s suspicious that Izzy was playing Vinny to get dat rose, I dunno, they’ve been together for awhile. Like, two weeks at least. They’re pretty much applying for their second mortgage in Bachelor Time.

So.many.lamp.jokes

The girls are all gossiping about the situation; Carly can’t believe someone based a decision just on looks. It’s like she doesn’t know where she is!!

Vinny will NOT be Izzy’s second choice, no sir! He’s pretending he won’t take her back in a heartbeat and that’s kinda sweet. He wants to leave with his dignity.

Me and Brett roll our eyes at the same time.

Vinny wants closure! Why was she leading him on? Why?? WHY?? He heads up to her room to talk and she’s just gonna finish up real quick. *Blow drying noise* Guuuurl, she doesn’t care about you, Vinny. And we’re oot!