Helloooo and welcome back to Below Deck Down Under because we are getting caught UP hunty! Yes we are! I don’t remember where we are because I’m worried about the Interior staff and bosun from Below Deck Mediterranean but that’s fine, we’ll figure it out. Rolling into my recap of Below Deck Down Under S1:E09 Squid Games after the break!

Okay, I got it, last time we were on charter with an awesome guy called Jenale Scarlett and his friends, but chef Ryan McKeown is on his last leg without even knowing or caring.

We’re done charter, cleaning the boat and heading back to the marina because everyone is going to party tonight! Chief steward Aesha Scott talks about her farts again because of course she does but she’s getting a really bad rap from her third steward Magda Ziomek, currently on the phone complaining about Aesha to her boyfriend.

Aesha has been really gentle with Magda, who’s been mediocre at best. She did take the initiative in an 14A rated dance (wait, are nipples still R?) for the guests on a previous charter but she’s just a bit lazy when left on her own. She’d rather fight/make up with her boyfriend than keep on top of the laundry and one thing that can’t get missed on this ship is a messy laundry room. Captain Jason Chambers has been taking it upon himself to check every morning and unless second steward Tumi Mhlongo is actively taking it over: nobody is.

I mean, except Captain Jason. He’s also been doing the bosun job, not thrilling his actual bosun Jamie Sayed but I guess he has time. What do you think the other captains on Below Deck franchises do with all their spare time they’re not inflating paddleboards and throwing in laundry?

A smooth docking later and we’re in the marina and almost ready for cocktail time! Ryan chills in the salon with deckhand Benny Crawley, we see the most adorable picture of Benny EVER! Awww he was such a cute baby! Ryan looks like he has permanent 8 o’clock shadow over grey skin, maybe he needs some sunlight. Ryan and Benny have both lost their dads, Benny recently and with his mom too; it seems to have bonded them together.

I love that Ryan understands that it’s his usual BS that’s the barrier between him becoming friends with people, he says Benny doesn’t listen to the words that come out of his mouth and that’s why they’re friends hahaha.

The whole crew is rooting for deckhands Brittini Burton and Culver Bradbury to get together but I don’t see Culver putting an end to Brittini’s loudly professed sexual frustration. He’s very disciplined, very muscled and there’s just something about him that suggests to me that he’s looking for other fish to fry.

Brittini is gorgeous, I don’t think that’s the problem.

I have no idea what’s happening or why Aesha and Brittini flash all the girls with their boobs while screaming in the cab on the way to dinner. On the WAY. How much pre-gaming did they do?? I knew they were feeling ‘restless’ in the SATC way when they were group-twerking over it being cocktail hour but I have no idea why everyone’s boobs were out all at once. And the screaming!

It gets weirder when they get to the bar (no dinner??), the girls all dancing together and some rando shouting they should ‘get their t**s out!” Was he driving the cab?? In the parking lot?? It’s Ryan who stands up for the girls’ honour, awww, I’m really liking him this episode so he must get fired soon.

Bravo can be a bit of a bastage like that.

Ryan is kicked out of the club after taking a second run at the guys heckling from the non-VIP area. I bet this is pretty standard for Below Deck casts trying to have a good time out. People wanting to meet them but always always the jerks with their opinions. Reality TV fame is a different kind of animal.

I mean drunk jerks in bars are the same anywhere regardless of whether you’re on TV.

Jamie comes out to join Ryan for a bit of a cooldown; if he gets into a fight in Australia, he’ll get charged. So calm yourself, Ryan. Jamie tells him to ignore the MFers, people seem to think it’s a character flaw that Ryan could not. Literally nobody thinks his choice to defend the girls was the right move.

Brittini and Culver do dance together for most of the night, so mayyyyybe.

I just figured out who Ryan looks like!!!! MICHAEL KEATON!! Aka The Best Batman!

The rest of the night is calm, Magda calls her boyfriend while making artful ballet (?) poses on the stairs. According to off-camera crew person Xavier Magda is using 5 GB a day in data, ten times more than any other crew member.

Xavier tells this to Captain Jason, who’s been wondering why the laundry is never ever done.

Magda is on the phone until 3:40 am, that’s a solid two hours after Captain Jason reminded her she’s working in the morning.

Now I understand why everything was so chill the night before, there’s a whole other day until charter wooooo! We’ve got 26 hours to get this teak shined up! (Not a euphemism)

Captain Jason calls the department heads to the crew mess for our Preference Sheet Meeting, I love these! Our Primary Charter Guest is Johny De Keghel, Dutch? Maybe? Oooh he used to work for Captain Jason! And now Captain Jason…works for him. Huh.

James Want will be there to celebrate his impending wedding, ohhhh this is a bachelor party. Aesha asks if she should get blow-up dolls and YEAH. She orders some with ‘pretty vaginas’ only and isn’t that subjective??

At 3, Magda takes herself off for a 5-hour long nap while Aesha and Tumi work their arses off in the sun. Aesha and Tumi knock off at 5:30 and go looking for Magda at 8. Instead they find no evidence that she’s done any work at all this day, I mean.

Aesha calls her over and over on the radio, finally finding Magda curled up in bed.

Magda isn’t taking any more criticism, she raises her voice and is visibly angry when Aesha confronts her with the evidence of her lack of work. She doesn’t like Aesha saying she’s been working slow, this was the first time!

That was a FIVE HOUR NAP, MAGDA. STFU.

Aesha ponders her options; has she created this environment where Magda thinks it’s okay to just walk all over her?

Magda tells us a little bit about her childhood, she doesn’t give up. She overcame scoliosis to become a model and she’ll knock this out too. She’s tougher than people think she is.

Aesha makes the decision to keep Magda on service; this means she will get less time to text her boyfriend and will be monitored more closely. This sucks for Tumi, who truly is an excellent steward and stuck once again in laundry.

Jamie and Culver take the tender to get the guests, Primary Johny is already picking at Captain Jason’s service: why no tender beers? I mean, they should have, there were two of them!

Magda makes it onto deck in her whites just as the guests gather on the main deck; she’s trying to show Aesha her work ethic, right??

Brittini looooooves the charter full of hot young guys wooooo! I mean, she should probably keep it down a little if she’s wanting to make something happen with Culver but she is loving her life right now woooooo!

Aesha takes the guests on a boat tour; how did I not notice before that the top of Thalassa looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man??

Benny flakes the anchor without complaint while Jamie shows Brittini how to attach the tender safely and carefully. (Unlike how ‘that guy’ Captain Jason does it)

Ryan hums to himself in the kitchen, making fresh pasta from scratch is his idea of a good time. Brittini chitchats with a guest as Magda texts her boyfriend and forgets specific direction from Aesha. Remy, one of the guests, had as espresso martini spilled on his sweater and asked to have it hung up in the laundry room.

When Magda finally gets off the phone and looks at the dirty sweater hanging up, she throws it in the washing machine. Aesha and Tumi are aghast but. I mean. It was dirty. What’s the big deal? Of course they can’t stop the washing because it’s a front loading machine so Magda calls the engineers.

Ahhhh it was a cashmere sweater. An extremely expensive giant cashmere sweater.

Brittini is living her best life talking to all the male guests, not helping the deck crew at all. Captain Jason notices some jetskis bouncing around, Jamie and Culver have to take care of if because Brittini is ‘interacting’ with the guests.

Jamie calls her the Australian word for horny (toey?) and takes her aside a bit to remind her to not drop the ball.

I mean, Culver was in the hot tub for ages with those other charter ladies!

Captain Jason joins the guests for dinner, I hope Ryan’s made some kind of effort!

Supper is a mess for service, Aesha is frustrated with Magda’s lack of listening almost as much as Ryan hates Aesha’s insistence on good service for the meal. He’s thinking a big family-style Italian feast, she’s serving in white gloves.

Nobody likes Ryan’s pasta, it’s too salty. That’s a shame, he made that from scratch and that’s a lot of work. Captain Jason texts the chef he was talking to; she’s been hired elsewhere and is no longer available.

Every time I see Magda, she looks pissy and she keeps calls Aesha a b**(h and she just ISN’T.

A couple of guests fish late at night off the swim platform and bag a couple of squid for the next day, wooooo! Benny thinks handing them a bucket and bringing the bucket into the kitchen removes all other work obligations, how are people like he and Magda employed????

The next morning, Jamie sees what hasn’t been done, which is everything, and the guests come looking for their squid. Ryan says he’s going to make something for supper but I’m not holding my breath.

In the meanwhile, the guests are going spear-fishing and Brittini gets to go too, woooo! I feel like I need to help her get some.

Huh. Spear-fishing is like the murdery version of SCUBA diving. There is a type of spear gun and a knife to strap to your leg; this is a very dude experience. Although I know quite a few women who would also love this.

*Muuuuurdery women*

They do catch a number of fish, good job!

I feel like Aesha should have been waiting for the guests with shots instead of champagne,m right? These are young guys about to have a bachelor party with the blow-up s*x dolls Aesha got from the provisioner.

Captain Jason tries to talk to Ryan about his starter presentation then his mediocre pasta but Ryan is immediately defensive; he retorts that he’s feeding the guests and he doesn’t care about the Captain’s opinion.

That’s crossing a line for Captain Jason, you cannot be that rude to your boss, full stop.

Aesha arranges all the guests out on deck, what’s going on? Just a little exotic dance from our one and only Keith Stone!

(That’s Culver in a mullet wig doing backflips onto a defenseless blow-up doll named Tracie)

I’m actually really glad they didn’t have a traditional bachelorette party dancer on board; that was waaaaay more fun. They can do the other shenanigans off-camera. Everyone has parents! Or some family! Or spouses! You know what I mean.

Ryan has outdone himself with fancier food tonight but I’m not seeing the fish or the squid the guests caught being served?

The guests have noticed the same thing; they ask Captain Jason who goes and checks with Ryan, who has no intention of serving either the fish or the squid. Ryan starts to get an attitude, Captain Jason isn’t having that and we leave in the middle of a heated argument between the two. To be continued!

I have to wonder if Captain Jason is feeling extra sensitive because he knows Primary Johny; who even used to work for him. Until next time!