Below Deck Mediterranean S1:E12 The Beautiful Thing About Subpar Recap

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We left Ben crying into Hannah’s shoulder – did you know he has a catering business based out of the Fort Lauderdale area? Me either! But he does, and is a Capricorn too, in case you were keeping count. That’s thanks to DJ in comments; let’s see what else Jesse Biter and his gang can come up with to torture the crew on Below Deck Mediterranean!

Last day, yay! So that means TIP DAY! Aw but we’re still with Ben crying, poor fella. He doesn’t usually cry in front of other people, it’s a boarding school thing. Also a male thing, maybe, although Ben seems free of most of the trappings of that environment.

Danny’s still sooking about not having his phone; awww look at Santorini! So gorgeous. I bet that would look awesome on InstaGraham! This is what Bobby thinks:


The guests are planning to eat and drink, for something different but they don’t know yet that they will be ascending by donkey, let’s see how they take that! Bedazzle those asses and tell them they’re exclusive and verboten and those idiots will jump right on.

Danny ties the boat off to the mooring, awww, he thinks he looks like the Hulk!

The guests get away on the donkeys okay, scared and looking for cup holders but moving, while the Captain and deck crew talk about what to expect this evening. The guests are staying until midnight, when they leave to catch a flight and none of that makes sense. The ship can’t even dock in Santorini, there’s just that mooring and in the middle of the night?

Ben’s still upset about Julia calling him some toffee-nosed posh wanker from the south of England, as far as he’s concerned, he’s just a “cook on a boat.” Hannah takes a moment (while sitting as Tiffany cleans the guest rooms) to explain to Julia how upset Ben was about her comments. Make no mistake, Ben was being a jerk during that conversation, but I really don’t think he was trying to belittle her in the kitchen.

Julia says that was maybe one step too far, I hope they make up.

Danny’s showing a video of him and his sister “rapping” while Bobby and Jen roll their eyes.

Julia and Bobby are taking pictures of the sunset, it just looks amazing but he’s just taking pictures of her “fat arse.” Guuurl, that is not a fat arse and it’s KILLING Bobby that she’s not down for what he’s throwing out there.

The guests meet Marcos, who’s celebrating his 32nd birthday with good friend Jesse, who invites everyone aship for supper, yay! SOMEONE RADIO BEN RIGHT NOW. Cakes are not really his thing

Bryan’s finally figured out that Tiffany hates him, wow that only took a month!

Julia tries to settle things with Ben, who can’t talk about it just yet. Her comments triggered a lot of emotion in our awesome Englishman and discussing it now, during charter, would just lead to being more upset. And then SHE cries. My goodness. Lack of sleep is a KILLER: the struggle is real on board.

My god Greece is BEAUTIFUL!!

The crew sets the table for dinner, the guests come back; can Ben bake a cake really fast? Hannah and I feel our bile inching up our throats; HAHAHAHA oh they’re just joking. Aholes

Ben and Julia get to talk a little bit during service, they hug it oot, yay! I hate it when Mom and Dad fight!

Hannah’s trying over supper, but she’s just so over it and you can TELL! She says they’re the epitome of “money can’t buy you class” and all I will say is that it usually buys you SERVICE THAT DOESN’T SNEER. During shots, Gramps hits the floor and we alllll just wish it was Jesse.

Julia and Tiffany are playing in the guests rooms; don’t try on clothes, Julia! That’s rude!

Happy Birthday time, woo hoo! Samey samey and then it’s midnight and the guests have to GO!! Bryan is creeping on Ben and Tiffany talking on deck, pretending as though he’s being a good buddy and stepping aside for Ben. When Tiffany won’t even talk to his FratBro arse.

Danny’s trying to sell a little in the final moments, of course Jesse likes him, but ohhhh Danny had his phone out in front of the guests, which is against Captain’s orders. BRYAN TAKES A PICTURE.

Danny saw Bryan take the picture so literally RUNS up the Captain to admit he had his phone out with the guests to take a number, I mean. Honestly, he needed to take someone’s number?

Ben is telling Bobby and Bryan to relax, they don’t need to teach Danny lessons, they’re there to work with him and finish out a charter season, of which there is exactly one week left. WHAT??? I’m not ready to be done with Below Deck Mediterranean!! When does the OG Below Deck come back? Anyone?

The Captain just wants to get the guests OFF the boat before dealing with DannyPhoneGate, but Ben suggests that Danny get his phone and we’ll ALL scroll through it to see if he’s been taking pictures. He sends Bobby and Bryan after Danny so he doesn’t delete a bunch before they see it; they find Danny pulling the SIM card oot, which Bobbie by takes as tacit admittance of guilt.

The Giant Freckle just wants to finish the season, OKAY?? One more week! ONE!

Tip Time!! Woo hoo!! Jesse mentions the croissants, the trip extension; let’s see what’s in the envelope! $1850 each, half what the other tips were.

The crew finally gets to go to bed; Hannah and Bryan looove to show off their boobies, hey? As does Bobby, who decides to tease Danny some more. Danny calls he and Bryan “butt buddies” which is a middle school insult, come on! The Captain comes in as everyone else listens; Bobby’s threatening Danny and throwing his stuff out in the hallway, which means Danny gets to sleep in a guest cabin.

Bobby’s flexing and Julia’s trying to calm him down; even Tiffany gets some of Bobby’s ire thrown her way when she asks him to keep it down. I love her responses though: “I am in my cabin. Just try to keep it down.”

Danny’s escalating things with Bryan, calling him a baboon-face and making monkey noises, but…Bryan’s Danny’s BOSS. All Bryan says back is “you’re dead to me” as the girls laugh in Laundry. Bryan goes to the Huge Freckle; he has GOT to fire this yahoo now, right? I mean

Oh yay for the love of all that is holy; the Captain finally pulls the trigger and fires Danny. And gives it to him with both barrels, too, wow. Daniel’s work is subpar. This is NOT the industry for Danny; he should be in customer service, but not at this level. Ben says the same thing, basically, but nicely.

Completely gratuitous shot of Hannah’s arse; it’s lovely, but dat underwear? While on camera?

Danny cries in interview and then that’s it, The Daniel Show is OVAH. The Reunion show is going to be all about him, though, yaaaay

Bobby thinks the deck crew problem has been solved; Jen thinks a large Bryan-shaped problem remaining is the bigger of the two.

Drinkies with the crew; Bobby’s playing guitar and he bought Julia a harmonica to play along! Awww. Bobbay. Stahp. He stares at her and it gets awkward, so she goes to call her boyfriend.

Tiffany and Ben are flirting over their mutual love of hoodies while Captain Mark boosts Bryan’s morale by telling him his probationary period is over: Bryan is the official First Mate. Yayy. Bryan’s NOT a good boss, so Jen and I are rolling our eyes, but at least he made her part of the tripod anyway.

Crew party time; starting with dinner and drinks with everyone. Tiffany’s starting to show some interest in our Benny, hmmm. All kinds of promos show them kissing, I should probably NOT be this excited! Hannah’s accepting her and Ben as friend, whew.

Tiffany and Ben make out in the corner, Ben’s digging the no-strings vibing


While Bobby makes inroads with a super flirty local. Then THEY’RE making out and it’s a fun night out! Nobody yelled but ooh I forgot Hannah had a thing with Bobby, and that they aren’t allowed to bring people on the boat. Hannah can’t believe it and Bobby calls the girls jealous. Julia and I can’t believe it.

Oh no, Bobby goes right for Julia, saying she’s been flirting with him all season and calling her boyfriend a p*ssy; Bobby’s got an angry side I am not digging. Imma check his chiseled back for some steroid bacne cause that was BULLSHITE. Perhaps the whole deck crew sucks.

And we’re oot! And that means next week IS the  season finale, awww, sad panda. Until next time: cheers!

  • DJ49

    Did you notice that when Danny, Bobby, and Bryan were sitting at the table in the crew dining area and Bobby was criticizing Danny for being on his phone again, Bobby was looking at his own phone in his hand? I guess it’s do as I say, not as I do. What a hypocrite. I don’t think it made sense to fire Danny when they only had one more charter before the season ended. They couldn’t put up with him for a few more days?

    • Personally I thought it was weird that they took a grown man’s phone and expected him to act like a grown man. That said, there is NO way he could stay after the way he’s been talking to Bryan. Bobby just needs to stay out of it, he’s too emotional

    • Fixed the location error, my bad! Fanks

  • DJ49

    We’ll be seeing Ben and Kate again in September, and Kelley is back. Ben and Kate are gonna clash.

    • Whuuut???? I was just THINKING about Kelley and his giant, er, hat size. Yay Ben being back and Kate! I miss her level of efficiency and she does deadpan insults better than ANYONE.

      I’m surprised about Kelley

      • DJ49

        Kate has a court date on September 13th. She’s been charged with domestic battery and domestic violence against her live-in girlfriend back in June. The girlfriend didn’t want to press charges, but the State Attorney decided to file charges and go to trial anyway. The girlfriend is going to make an appearance on an episode of Below Deck.