Below Deck Mediterranean S1:E5 My Big Fat Greek Threesome Recap

BDM cover

Hi yachtubbers! This epi of Below Deck Mediterranean looks diiiiiiirrrty, let's get to it! Right after I say how much I love this cover photo: isn't it great? Thanks Bravo!

So. Last time, Danny fell in lurve and almost got fired, Hannah made her move on Ben: DENIED and Bryan and Tiffany destroyed Ben's hopes for weird but smaaaht Tiff.

We open back up in there, my bad: a drunk Ben has just stumbled upon Bryan and Tiffany making out in Bryan's bunk, I forgot he and Ben shared a room! Whoops! Ben is furious and throws them BOTH "the fcuk out of there."

The next morning, Bryan's kinda handsy with Tiff, who knows he's a frat boy, so she's not taking it too seriously. Ben comes out in the main area and apologizes to them for being so rude and anyone who didn't know Tiffany and Bryan were dry-humping does now!

Charter Guest Wheelhouse meeting! Primary Kenny Novotny and his best frend Brian from Oklahoma will be doing a one day charter that conforms to alllllls the stereotypes; country dance party with line dancing and two-stepping (confession: I cannot and will not line dance, but I love two-stepping like almost no other).

They're packing a lot into one day, water sports (heh), a beach picnic, the dance, all of that. Hannah doesn't understand that she's asking for a BALE of HAY, not a


Awww, she's such a kooky Aussie! I have the BEST Australian friends that know what a hay bale is, pfft.

The yachties go over the information re: guests; if I were chartering this boat, I would be pisssssed a bunch of unprofessional yahoos were making fun of my painstakingly prepared list of rare foodie preferences. Bryan warns Danny to shape up or he'll ship 'im oot, but I don't think a couple of chubby Okies with a private plane are gonna exactly lead Danny astray, do you?

Ben's flirting with Hannah, which confuses her because he turned her down last night... Hannah and I like things straightforward: you want to bounce, we'll get our kneepads, if you don't, and you're keeping us for backup in case you aren't able to talk Tiffany out of Bryan's bunk into yours: you can have our kneepads, please stick them up your arse.

Bryan's whipping the deck crew into shape, Jen's windows look good, but FASTER, JEN! And Danny, wipe down those steps LIKE HE DONE TOLD YOU ALREADY! I was wrong, Tiffany totally could do this job, and she'd get her Vitamin D too!

THIS IS A REAL POSTER Who says Canada is all stuffy?

I'm sure Bryan can help her with that a COUPLE of ways! They flirt in the galley and it's all very typical.

Time for provisioning! Julia can't figure out what the hay bales are either, but Bobby just doesn't curr; he loves her accent. I'd make fun of that but I love Ben's accent, so high five Big Bobby! So they bring the hay onto the deck and didn't Bryan just make his crew wipe all that down twice on their hands and knees? And now the aft deck is covered in straw. I mean

Hannah smokes around the corner and I know she's been single for awhile and maybe doesn't care, but I would LOVE it if she got her roots did. Or not did, but this SunIn / OompaLoompa combo three inches from her head makes her look unkempt. FIX DAT. And get some real sunglasses.


Bobby's still pissed at Danny, though, his emotional bank account is low! I suggest some bucket filling, Danny, maybe a towel with Bobby's wee puppy? No? Work it out. In the space of that hour, Bryan's decided Jen's attitude has greatly improved and she's picking up slack. She looks exactly the same to me.

Hannah's divvying up roles for the upcoming charter, she doesn't know from country, having spent the last five years sipping wine in the south of France *eye-roll*, so she's leaving that to country bumpkin Tiffany. Er, thanks? Isn't she from Pittsburgh? That's not the country!

They will be dressed in the country theme as well, wearing Daisy Dukes, which has to be explained to Julia. to the impending tide of chubby Okies.


Guests arrival! We getta see the boat again!! I never get tired of seeing the yachts. Since I will never make enough money to even set foot on one EVER, this is the closest I get. The deckhands unload luggage; how many suitcases did they bring for one day?? I counted 5 big ones and they weren't all in yet.

Primary Kenny asks Hannah how long she's been stewing, she says 6 years and he says "like babysitting?" She retorts "like babysitting Russian millionaires" and he shoots back, apropos of nothing, that the best thing to come out of Russia is the strippers. I can't say anything about that without shouting, so carry on, chubby Okie millionaire!

Time to head oot! Bobby's picking at Danny's work already, things are just simmering below the surface with these two.

Julia and Bobby are flirting in the kitchen again, well, she thinks he's just like her 6'4 girlfriend! Let's just say that's not exactly how Bobby's seeing it. The guests have asked for some of the fancy flavoured vodkas aship, but the pear vodka is located directly under where they are sitting.

Side note: why does Hannah always seem like she's guessing when it comes to explaining food or bevvies to the guests? Errrr, vanilla, mandarin...pear vodka? Like she's hoping they'll chime in!

Hannah's come up with a plan; she'll distract the guests by telling them she's seen a dolphin and then Julia will run in and grab the No. 4 Pear vodka from under the couch. I feel a little bad for the guests, who practically LEAP outside onto the decks to see this frolicky overly-amorous chicken of the sea. Julia gets the vodka, Hannah you big liar!

Time to release anchor and move away! Guess who's not listening and is chatting up the guests? GUESS!! Oh and it gets better, Danny's telling the story of the Tilted Kilt girls while the captain, Bryan and Bobby allll wait for him to acknowledge so they can raise anchor. I mean. Bryan comes on down to confirm just as Danny makes his way over.

Bryan is so unprofessional as well, he's complaining to Bobby about Danny now: you're his boss! Don't talk to his other co-workers about his work! There's a difference between working with your crew and talking shite. He's sharing his evaluation of Jen with Bobby too! I mean

They drop anchor at Panormos Beach, it looks AMAZING! Time to drop water toys!  Hannah and Julia will be doing the lunch on the beach, so Hannah leaves a list of prep for Tiffany for supper. She wants to build Tiffany's confidence and I sure hope that's what happens...

Beach picnics are a pain in the arse, and Ben, well, Ben was never one to let the guests lock down exactly when they're gonna eat. When it's ready seems to be when they eat. You can't rush art!

The water toys look like so much FUN!! The jet skis are all fancy, and there is this thing you hold only and it pulls you underwater to look at stuff, it's like electric snorkeling!

Full disclosure: I maybe freak out in the ocean, because there is a lot of shite in there that wants to touch me.

Bobby and Danny are carrying food from the galley, but of course Danny isn't doing THAT right either. Bobby just hates that Danny didn't get fired and they start to verbally spar in earnest. It carries over onto the tender where they're waiting to go ashore and Danny gives the line a zillion promos have foretold "You got your tampon up your p*ssy, man. Take it out" which reveals a startling lack of knowledge about what that would do to all that sunbleached wood they're standing on. They JUST laid down towels!

They're physically at it now, pushing around, while Bryan finally jumps in to break them up. He yells at DANIEL, who was just defending himself (and displaying his ignorance re: sanitary products) and then switches him out for Jen. Upstairs, the Captain helps himself to a cappuccino, none the wiser.

Ashore, Bobby's still flexing hilariously


Oh. They've come up with a solution for the messiness of the hay bales, they've wrapped them in plastic wrap and set them next to the hot tub until the party that evening. Bravo, Hannah, BRAVO! My inner almost-OCD self is slow clapping for your impressive tidiness skills.

They're STILL packing for the picnic in the kitchen, Hannah takes a deep breath when Tiffany says she hasn't had time to cut up lemons and limes while moving sloth-slow again.

Bryan gossips with the girls about Danny stepping to Bobby ("hahahahaha that's RIDICULOUS") while Danny seeks advice from ZenMaster Ben in the kitchen. Ben wants to protect wee Danny, he feels responsible for him, as he does all the newbs, especially Tiffany, who he'd like to protect with his penis.

Danny takes Ben through the whole thing, Ben chiding Danny for his "jabby" comment about teamwork on the stairs, saying he deserved to be called on it. He advises Danny to stroke Bobby's "ego" a little bit and honestly, I'm wondering if Danny even has a job to worry about now, face-releasing and "ego" stroking aside. Danny DOES owe everyone still for being so useless on the last charter, so drop your "ego" and start building bridges and mending fences: look, there's hay right there!

On the beach, Bobby is still all pumped up about his encounter with the wee Danny, asking Hannah if she's heard? Does she want to? She wins what's left of my cold dead heart when she says "No, but I'm really interested to hear it. Just...not right now" as she struggles to set up a table. Oh that's right, she's AT WORK. Perhaps if everyone could remember that?

The beach picnic looks great, save the goat shit everywhere. Bobby has been carrying the crew over from the tender, but I didn't realise that was the whole evac plan, he's doing that with the guests too. Dafuq?? The guests love the beach picnic, but hey, there are no porta potties? Just walk out into the water and pee where everyone will be standing later, Charter Guest! Do it in front of everyone, too, so they know where to walk! I can't even.

Danny's asking Bryan to not tell the captain about the altercation between him and Bobby, it's just... not good. He doesn't seem to realise how he's coming off, all this talk about "man to man" as he was saying to Bobby as well. Bryan knows his nuts will be in a sling if he DOESN'T report it, and besides, don't tell him what to do! He's technically your superior (if a truly struggling manager), even if he's only a year older than you, Danny! I would now have guessed that, huh. I thought Danny was several years younger.

On the beach, Primary Kenny has changed into hot pink beach shorts and is being rubbed down with sunscreen by a dude, saying he'll never turn down getting some. Then pear shots!


I am legit worried for all the Russian strippers he's been harassing.

Time to head back to the boat; Hannah falls down while fighting with a beach umbrella and it's funny except for her head was only a few inches away from a giant rock and that would have been a much different ending.

Bryan has changed his mind, he's not going to tell the captain what happened, that's "weak-sauce". He's gonna have them hash it out here and now, like bros. He walks away, leaving Danny and Bobby to work through their feelings, but Danny, well, Danny still doesn't get it. They fight over who will apologize first, but Danny manages to get under Bobby's skin again for laughing at his own joke about the tampon, then sort of apologizing, then laughing again and saying "that was funny." Bobby disagrees. They shake hands, but it's still not settled.

In 3 and a half hours, Tiffany hasn't pulled properly for dinner. She was too busy trying to fix the fuse in the dryer, she's handywoman and her dad is an electrician! Look directly into my face as I tell you this, Tiffany: not your job. More interesting than wiping down railings: agreed. Still, NOT YOUR JOB. I would be willing to bet money that they have someone on board whose job IS fixing that fuse! And I bet if you radioed them instead of fcuking around in the laundry room for three and a half hours, it would have been handled already. So, Hannah and Julia, after setting up, serving and taking down a beach picnic, will have to set up and pull for dinner service as well, because Tiffany, all alone with no guests on the boat, hasn't done it. This is why we get so mad at the third stews that don't know anything *cough Rocky / Raquel*; they share the tip equally!

Hannah bitches to Julia again! So unprofessional, but maybe it's a case of, like Bryan, you are explaining to the rest of the crew why they have to pick up so much slack. Also, in such a niche work environment, maybe you need to vent a little and who else will understand?

Danny gets sent to help Ben in the galley, awww, just like Rocky/Raquel! He takes all the misfits under his wing. Although RR at least had culinary school training.

Country themed dinner time! Tiffany is running point on this, let's see how she does! DO NOT WRAP HAY AROUND THE UTENSILS. Nobody wants that on their plates! The guests "dress" for dinner. Kenny comes down to explain the hook to Hannah; they want the crew to compete for a $200 dancing prize. Hannah and I know a Dance, Monkey, Dance client when we see one, sounds perfect!

The girls are in Daisy Dukes now, Bobby is very happy. Ben's just figured out how attractive Hannah is, maybe it's the Canadian DateNight gear: flannel and denim. Bedazzling optional.

Hannah doesn't understand Ben's awesome food STILL, calling his gorgeous filet with wasabi-cured roe "fillet", to be quickly corrected by the guests. I don't get why Tiffany and Julia have to dress like that too, when they won't be serving dinner, ohhh, but the dance competition later, let me shut up.

Ben's gone with an Asian theme, but since the guests specifically asked for a country-themed dinner and Hannah's complete inability to describe food properly, I'm worried. But I shouldn't be, of course it's amazing! They love it!

The guests are getting handsy with each other after dinner, at least it's not with crew! Now it's time for the crew dance-off, who will be shaking their bums country-style? Kenny calls Bobby the Beefcake up first! He doesn't do well. Danny can actually dance, though, and even works in a twerk!

Tiffany is up first for the girls, er. Well, I hear she's a great marine biologist, and isn't that more important that rhythm and / or style? She is sooooo skinny, but she tries! Hannah is up next and does a really good Russian stripper impersonation. Julia and Jen are NOT down. It doesn't go any further, though, Hannah takes that prize.

The guests are drunk line dancing through the hay, let's get this party started! Danny's right in there, and it's as though he forgets his role as crew. He's going to get shit for that, but I bet the guests remember him the best. I always crossed lines in customer service, I love people and it showed. I just never worked around really rich people, perhaps that was my saving grace.

The guests are getting into the hot tub and there may be some boobie sucking going on, get out Danny, just GO!! All that hay around the hot tub is making me itchy, get a vacuum cleaner, STAT! It's going to clog the jets! Plus you know the guests are gonna bang in the 'tub, ain't nobody want straw where the sun don't shine.

Hannah yells at Danny in the galley: when the guests are having a threesome in the hot tub, GTFO! That is guest space and guest time! Ben breaks in just then, leave Danny alone! That's just unnecessary conflict and not constructive. I would disagree with that, telling a crew member that Threesome Time is Alone Time for the guests is actually very constructive, but Danny loves that support from the Ben!


Hannah's deciding to take that personally, approaching Ben in the crew kitchen to yell some more. It's like when you have your ire up and it's gotta go SOMEWHERE. It doesn't go the way she wants.

It's the next morning and time to pack up the hay! Vacuum!! It's the only way! The guests are up and getting ready, all I have to say is that I'm glad they're up and at them first thing. I can't stand it when the guests just get loaded drunk like a bunch of college kids and then sleep through the next beautiful morning on the boat. YOU CAN GET DRUNK ANYWHERE! Enjoy Greece! Let me calm down, cuz they are.

Ben's going over the night before with Danny, he can't understand why Hannah got so mad; did he cuss at her or say anything out of line? The problem is that Hannah assumed the guests were having a threesome while Danny was standing there, and I don't think that was the case. They politely waited until he took his little failed-pompadour arse off to the galley and then threw down.

Just in case anyone was unsure that WAS what happened, one of the guests is down visiting and watching Bobby clean up hay on the deck. He and his friends are "very close" and...yeah. Bobby laughs his high pitched llama-laugh (for reals, he looks just like an angry llama when he laughs) and then the camera man cuts to the hot tub. Bleach, stat!

The other guests are feeling slightly less sanguine about the events of the previous evening, slightly red-faced at brekkie while the crew gossips about Danny standing there watching the threesome, which again, is not what happened.

Bryan asks Danny why Hannah had to yell at him again? Danny says the guest really wanted to speak to, I'm pretty sure that's not how THAT happened. Bryan calls him on it, pointing out how ridiculous it is, and also wiping down the rails while Danny stands there. It's as though Danny has no idea how badly he's doing. They have addressed this before, though, which makes it worse. Danny's selling personality, and the other crew wants him to DO HIS JOB. It's not looking good for our wee Jordanian leprechaun.

Breakfast time! It looks great! Ben tries to broach the fight with Hannah, but she needs to focus on the guests, can they talk later? He just wants her to know he's not at all cross with her, and she alllmost bites, but no, no, later. He mopes about, knowing he's maybe damaged that key chief stew / chef relashie.

Guests leaving time! Otherwise known as TIP TIME!! Woo hoo, best part of the show!! Big thick..envelope and let's see what's innit!

Dang it, first Danny wants to talk things out with Hannah. He reiterates that the guest called him over to tell him his life story, it wasn't that he was invading alls the space and taking Primary Kenny away from his threeway. Hannah does not believe that for a SECOND. Especially after he says he wants to help her do her job better. Walk away, Danny, walk away!! She's 'bout to blow!!

Tip meeting!!!! One day, so they can't expect too much, maybe 10k? Captain Mark says he is impressed with their team work and nothing bad happened and there you go! Just don't tell the captain anything and he's happy! Perfect!

Holleeee shite, they got 18 thousand euros, which is 20k USD. For one night. Plus whatever Primary Kenny paid for the charter itself. Holleee shite. $1500 each. This will be a tough benchmark to beat for the rest of the season! Woo hoo!

Night out time, ergh. I'm worried about Hannah and Ben, she gets really shouty when under the influence. She's not the problem, though, Danny takes Bryan aside to talk and ooh boy. He thinks his actions have been under-appreciated and he would like to have that corrected. Bryan stops him right there: Danny doesn't understand 5 star service. It involves NOT breaching those boundaries. They are there to roll towels and wipe up wet spots, not watch them make those wet spots. If you want to make a wet spot in the bathroom, you ask Bryan, Danny! You work for HIM! And we're oot.

So. Boundaries. Learn them, live them, love them. I've also struggled with that. I've found getting really old helps, Danny! You're welcome! Until next time, keep your towels rolled and your hot tub free of hay! For reals! That shite burns.