I was a little bit worried we’d only have an 8-epi run for Below Deck Mediterranean like Apres Ski and Work Out New York, but here we are on number 9, woo hoo! Rolling Fever Pitch after the break!

Last week we had the head of Danny’s Fan Club as a charter guest, which pissed off EVERYONE, save Ben and Danny, but even with a little extra in the (MVP) envelope, a crappy tip made for a fighting match later between Danny and Hannah. Well, it wasn’t directly related to the tip, but you know everyone would have been in a better mood it been a slightly thicker envelope, so Imma blame it on that.

Unfortunately, Hannah’s one of those that can dish it, but not take it, so she will probably take this ugly personality talk hard. Oh wait, Danny’s just drunk

Danny thought he was picking up for Ben, but here’s the problem with that: Ben was absolutely in the wrong. Yes, Hannah fckued up with forgetting how many courses there were, but arranging for a meeting the Captain to essentially file a formal (super formal! Epaulets even!) complaint about a co-worker that you will be working closely with for the next few months was INSANE. So, Ben and Hannah needed to come to terms with that breach of trust and find their way forward, not have the Jordanian leprechaun jump over top of Ben to show how much he had his back.

Hannah’s upset enough that she doesn’t want to be filmed (which has to be PRETTY upset for a Bravolebrity) as Julia runs after her. Bryan reminds Danny he needs to be professional, which Danny counters with “I’m off the clock” which I may or may not have said to a four-year-old who kept getting out of bed two hours after bedtime.

Big Bobby gets in a quick jab “there’s never professionalism with you” to hear “MVP baby!!” which makes Ben and Jen laugh and Bryan and Bobby look even GREENER. They hate Danny. They hate Danny with the force of the sun, the moon and the stars and they do not understand why their Bro-Lliance hasn’t resulted in everyone dubbing THEM #TeamAwesome. They have abs! It gets weird then, allusions to oral sex (but not in a fun way, like in a misogynist way) and they call it for the evening.

Hannah’s recovered enough for filming, so she’s carefully explaining why she’s so mad at the galley tagteam of Ben + Danny; Danny keeps taking Ben’s side! Just when Ben’s right, for the most part, which he usually is, but I get how annoying that would be to have a little bird chirping backup in your ear while you’re trying to talk things out with someone.

Hannah’s gunning for Danny now, she’ll still respect Ben but gloves are off as far as the “3′ 7″” not-man is concerned. Ben continues to be entertained by his diminutive Minister of Defense

But lets him know that he will have to get along with Hannah if he wants to keep helping Ben in the galley. We shall see how well that goes. Why does Ben always end up in the middle of these things?? He’s so protective of the newbies, not even just the ones he wants to protect with his gonads like Tiffany, but Danny and RockyRaquel from last season of Below Deck. Pfft, keep it in your pants, DramuhQueen!

In the kitchen, the girls are messing with cucumbers, like you would (?), Jen going off to find a condom to put onnit (?), searching Big Bobby’s room without permission. He’s much cooler about it than I would be, but still clearly annoyed. He does give them a condom, though! Safe veggies for all! This so reminds me of the poster in E6!! Are we about to be “Seduced By A Cucumber”?

We are about to be given an excruciating breakdown from Big Bobby as to how to put a condom on an inanimate object and I really hate scripted shenanigans. And also glad I don’t have to use condoms anymore, they leave a residue and make your hands feel funny, although that may be just my latex sensitivity. Yay safe sex, though!! Do THAT!! Er, although you’d be hard pressed to get safer than a non-cruciferous vegetable.

Hannah comes into the dining room where Ben and Bryan are morosely drinking still, can she and Ben have a cigarette? She braces him: that was not cool with Danny, but he protests, that wasn’t HIS idea! But we’re down to the root of it now, she wants to know if they’re going to be friends or colleagues, one she will be emotionally invested in and the other she will not. She sort of asked him at the table, but now she’s come straight out with it.

Ben opts for work colleagues, thinking they can work into being friends, but that DEVASTATES Hannah, which tells me she’s emotionally invested either way. He just doesn’t want the “dram(er)” Hannah, it’s not that he doesn’t like you. She bawls alone on the back deck rocking back and forth and er, you gave him a choice, love. He took the path less dramatic, and hopefully it will make all the difference.

The next morning, she’s still sniffling, it’ll be okay, Hannah! Ben does want to be friends, he just wants it to build naturally with the focus being on professionalism. Captain Mark is mad at how disorganized the crew mess is, he asks Bryan to stay on top of it.

Hannah calls Bobby into her bunk, where she’s topless. Er. He’s just gonna sit back and enjoy, yo, knowing Ben must have REALLY pissed her off this time. Or maybe he doesn’t know that’s why she’s acting out, but WE DO! They start cuddling and then then’s some odd rubbing and maybe suckling? I can’t tell, but it was definitely sexual “Is it hard?”

Bryan has a plan for third deckhand Danny! He asks Danny to write a list of what he thinks they need to work on; maybe start with sharing pics of guests with OTHER guests! I mean, he knows he shouldn’t have, he made a big deal out of deleting the last guest’s pictures, so..

Now Big Bobby and Hannah are talking, they are united in their dislike of Danny and have joined forces to make the Charter King’s life on board hell. Starting with Hannah off to see the Captain. Oooh, that sounds like third strike time!

Danny’s written a list of exactly what Bryan wants, so he IS aware of what’s shaking. Don’t talk to the guests, help his team instead of chatting with guests and don’t get involved in fights within other departments. Seems pretty clear! I’m sure none of that will happen again.

Julia and Bobbay are having breakfast in the cleaned crew mess (fanks Julia!), discussing Hannah. Julia’s realised that Hannah is just an endless source of dramuh and she’s finding it draining. Bobby’s still trying to decide whether or not to go for Hannah full-tilt, since it’s on a platter for him, or keep mooning over Julia, I guess we’ll see! I’m just glad he’s calmed down enough to stop being so rude to Julia, she’s alllls kinds of awesome.

Hannah’s up with the Captain, telling on Danny’s picture sharing, which isn’t her department at all, is it? Bobby or Bryan should really be snitching on Danny, shouldn’t they? Captain Mark can’t believe it, and neither can I, really. Yes, the Tilted Kilt girls are professional models and they posed for the pictures, but that is absolutely an invasion of their privacy. He calls Danny up to the bridge.

Captain Mark hits Danny with it immediately; Danny says he probably shouldn’t have done that, hey? Noo, maybe not and with that: Danny gets the “I didn’t know” pass. I mean. The only thing I will accept as retribution is the captain deleting every single one of those photos off his phone right now in front of Danny’s horrified face. GO!!

Well, he doesn’t do that, but he DOES tell Danny he’s taking his phone at the beginning of each charter, which is a little…parentish, isn’t it? Isn’t Danny 28 or somefing?

Sigh. They’re never getting rid of Danny, are they?

Next Charter meeting in the wheelhouse! The Primary is Linda P. Jones, the CEO of Be Wealthy and Smart (I’ll just roll on over to my mailbox to see if my cheque’s arrived for that little plug right there) blah blah luxury brand blah economic cycles, Ben’s so ‘cited: they’re smart! Er

There are a whole bunch of ladies coming, in fact, and they want a beach fire with smores. I don’t care that Hannah doesn’t know what that is. The women are having a jeweler come on board (you have my attention) and then a formal dinner to wrap it all up. Meeting adjourned!

It’s STILL gross in the crew mess, so Bryan goes to wake up Julia at MIDNIGHT to clean it up. Midnight. To push at someone that doesn’t even work for him, because the captain asked him to keep an eye onnit. I mean. MIDNIGHT. Plus: Tiffany’s drinking wine in her room. I worry for our poor slender Tiff. She looks haunted around the eyes.

Bryan’s powertrippin’ and directing their cleanup, AT MIDNIGHT, pointing out that the floor needs to be swept, but not sweeping. He’s the worst. The Actual Fcuking Worst. What Captain Mark meant was : keep an eye on the crew mess, make sure people are taking care of it, not wake people up at midnight and STAND OVER TOP OF THEM WHILE THEY’RE CLEANING. Julia pushes back and Hannah jumps in the middle, this is just so ridiculous. She tells him to walk away, or they will. Then she tells him to fcuk off as he asks how long they’ve been in yachting? And then follows them around while they tell him to stop pushing them around while he’s been drinking. Ben advises Bryan to not get involved in a stewardess war; he knows of whence he speaketh.

The interior crew is rehashing the dramuh in the morning while Danny’s got a fever and Bobby chides him to “man up!” I must say, I think Bobby’s too dumb to be the worst.

Bobby goes in to check on Danny, of course he doesn’t show any sympathy or understanding, but Tiffany thinks this is her chance to get on deck, woo hoo!

Ben’s trying to be his flirty self in the galley with Hannah, who is not buying it WHATSOEVER. Screw you and your sugar, yerk!

Bryan and Bobby…I swear. They’re going around downplaying Danny’s condition, oooh he’s moping, he’s hiding, no, he has a FEVER. Don’t worry, you guys, Danny will fcuk things up all over the place by himself when he feels better, you don’t need to make up stuff! Ben thinks it’s voodoo from Hannah, but Captain Mark calls Bryan on his bullshit: why does Danny think he has a fever? Oh, a THERMOMETER TOLD HIM? Keep him Below Deck. That just made Bryan look petty and unprofessional.

Bryan apologizes to Julia, who calls him on his ungentlemanly behaviour, being drunk and standing over top of the girls. Just too aggressive. To his credit, he doesn’t argue, just keeps saying he’s sorry and that he will do better.

Guests arrival! Bobby is stoked!

YOU WISH, BOBBAY! Wouldn’t that be awesome? That would be TOTALLY AWESOME!

Primary Linda is really pretty and the ladies all look so ‘cited to be there! Boat tour time! I don’t know if Hannah was paying attention, but I noticed that one of the guests knows her semi-precious stones, pointing out the lapis lazuli counters and onyx detailing. Get a GOOD jeweler, Hannah! I love boat tour, I see something new every time!

Bryan’s still casting shade on Jen’s ability as a deck hand, he thinks she’s over-talked her game. I’m not impressed, but I don’t know anything. I do strongly dislike Bryan and think he’s a bad manager, so I’m torn.

The ladies want food! And just as Hannah’s thinking they’re going to be able to relax and maybe sleep (save luggage full of bondage gear), Linda orders a bunch of tequila shots and margaritas. Waa-waaa Hannah. So close.

The guests are all sunbathing on deck, margarita time! The promos made a big deal out of them discussing proper cheers-ing ettiquette; you look each other in the eyes or 7 years of bad sex. Oooh. Wait, what if you’re cheers-ing with a bunch? And are you supposed to have sex with each other? Me and one of the guests are confused.

They love Ben’s food, it’s gonna be Instagrahammed!! Beach picnic time while Jen tries to recover the jet skis she let wander away from the boat…for her part, Jen thinks Bryan isn’t truly evil, she’s seen good in him, but he’s way WAY over his head, dude. Well, okay, that was me, she just thinks he’s letting the job go to his head.

The boys arrive on beach to set up while the guests jetski around, earning grudging acclaim “these moms can ride!”

The guests want smores, but the marshmallows are strawberry…that is not how smores work, according to my kiddos. Ben is so happy to be outside enjoying the Mediterranean and not just through his porthole! Not a euphemism.

I’m finding it hard to believe that the official plan for debarking from the tender is for Bobby to carry the guests over one by one. I believe it crosses the customer service line when one is expected to touch someone else’s butt, yo. Or from the other side: don’t touch my butt. FANKS. Bobby helps all the ladies ashore though, and they seem okay with it, butt-touching and all. He calls it chivalry.

Ben cooks a real meal out there! They LOVE it! He’s messing up the smores, though…

The ladies don’t care, though, someone cooked for them! Yay!

The captain is in to see Danny, who’s fever has gone up two degrees to 103 – is he not treating it with ibuprofen or acetaminophen? Captain offers to go get something for him, holy shite. He sat there all day without taking anything to bring his fever down?

The guests arrive back on the boat, happy, yay! Hannah wants to keep them all season, they’re awesome! They go to bed and the crew gets into shenanigans aship. Julia’s just happy her and Bobby are getting along again, joking around with his sunglasses. Bobby’s taking it as a challenge: sigh.

Ben’s quite worried about Danny now, rushing to get him a cold compress while the captain brings in the medicine for his head. Bobby’s being his usual supportive self by telling Danny “eew get away from me!” Slow clap.

Hannah asks Bobby to come to the bow for a cigarette with her while the captain eavesdrops. They make out for awhile, sure. I just don’t care about these two.

Breakfast time! Danny’s fever is still very high, AND now his stomach hurts, these are not good signs.

Bryan takes Jen aside to get her to practice knots; she doesn’t do them effectively, apparently, but she doesn’t think she should have to take orders from anyone other than the POTUS. I mean. You see how there are no good sides?

Hannah and Bobby are making out in the bottom of the boat, but he doesn’t want to jeopardize any possible future with TOTALLY INVOLVED AND NOT INTERESTED Julia, so he rushes in to tell her in the laundry room. I get that he’s trying to be respectful to Julia, but since he immediately blames it all on Hannah, making fun of her, and STILL isn’t following Julia’s don’t-crush-on-me-please directive, I give no gold stars. She’s hoping that means they’re really in the Friendzone now. Oh Julia.

The guests are LOVING the vacation, so complimentary and really appreciating everything about the boat. I’m happy for them! Julia wants to do whatever she can for them, and so does Ben, offering another omelet and telling them he’s right next door…

Tiffany is being tested on her knowledge of knots now, yay! The Captain asks someone to go check on Danny, so Ben (literally) runs down, to find that the sicko’s temp has gone down exactly .2 of a degree. Is he not still taking stuff? You can take both ibuprofen and acetaminophen at the same time, at staggered intervals, and I don’t see any liquids or anything around! What’s going on? He’s almost 30, get onnit! Ben is similarly surprised, his little brother needs less care than Danny. He tells the captain, who decides Danny will have to go ashore.

The guests are getting out on that water again, woot! “Shredding grannies ripping through” everywhere are freaking Big Bobby out!

Danny’s fever takes another turn for the worst, compelling the Captain to call everyone up: they need to med-evac DanielSan. And we’re oot!

So. Huh. I love these guests, I don’t even care what the tip is. But I do think Danny should get to share in it, whatever it is, all for one and one for all, right? As for everyone else: I get that Bryan was acting like that because he’s been drinking, but Don’t Drink and Manage, A-Hole. That’s the second rule of management, after Don’t Shag Your Employees. Jen continues to not impress, Danny apparently cannot perform basic self-care, Tiffany drinks alone and Julia is oblivious to the fact that Bobby has exactly the same feelings and intentions towards her. Bobby and Hannah get their own line, since they’ve decided to mess around with their bench players, second choices FTW as we finish oot another episode of the Days of Our Ionian Princess. Cheers, you lot, until next time!