Hi guys! Are you as ‘cited about Below Deck Mediterranean‘s return as I am? You know you are! Let’s roll kitchen semantics and spoilers after the jump!

We left our intrepid yachties fighting during a night out (again), this time First Mate Bryan Kattenburg slurring at deckhand Danny Zureikat that Danny works for HIM. I don’t even care, they’re fighting in front of an awesome poster that says “Seduced. By a Cucumber” and I wanna know more about THAT! Maybe Joshua Jackson could do the narration!

Bryan is doing exactly what he warned Hannah against; trying to give constructive criticism while drinking. He’s schwasted, and while I think he thinks he makes sense, he’s calling Danny the bottom guy and that’s only okay with consent in leather bars.

Dancing time! Deckhand Bobby Giancola is rubbing up alllll over second steward Julia d’Albert Pusey, who’s being a flowerwall wallflower. He thinks her flirting is leading him on, and I just don’t see it, Big Bobby. She’s being fun and polite and doesn’t look like she’s crossed any lines to me whatsoever. YET. Dun dun DUNNNN!!!! Time to go, calls deckhand Jen Riservato, cblocking Bobby.

Chef Ben Robinson wants to have that chat with chief steward Hannah Ferrier now; he apologizes for not being on her side and she accepts it as an opportunity to whine / shout about how he “abused and annihilated” her. He disagrees with that, acourse, but gently, because he’s still trying to apologize. He calls her more emotional than any chief stew he’s worked with and I mean. A brick wall was more emotional than Kate Chastain (love you! mean it!), but that’s no benchmark. Hannah’s not emotional, she’s DRINKING and at work struggles with feelings of inferiority, given her less posh beginning, so is easily triggered into over the top bouts of anger. That’s not EMOTIONAL, that’s people. And that’s free, unsolicited uneducated analysis that is probably totally completely off-base. You’re welcome!

Third steward Tiffany Copeland and Bryan are flirting again, but seriously, he’s so loaded I can smell the whiskeydick from here. We get to hear a little of his backstory, of COURSE he was a frat boy, SAE, totally called it. He knows from picking up chicks and I just dislike everything about him. Everything. All of it, bleached blonde tips past that closed mind and all the way down to his creepy hands rubbing Katie’s shoulder during Tilted Kilt Asea. Allllllllll of it.

Tiffany’s down, though, but does she know what fratboy Bryan has in store for her? Bryan explains to the boys:

Back on the boat, Bryan and Bobby try to talk Julia into the hot tub, she ain’t having it. Does this mean another hot tub threeway, if Bobby’s coming too? And they put cologne on Bryan. TO GO IN A HOT TUB. These boys are so stupid it hurts. Danny eats in the galley and passes out while Bobby creeps around and Bryan slurs sweet things at not-quite-as-drunk Tiff. He hasn’t had time to prove he isn’t a fratboy, I think is the point he’s trying to make, but he just said he was! Just up there! ^^^ But we already knew that anyway, didn’t we?

She’s not there to be charmed by Drunkasaurus Rex, though, she’s there to get some, so shhhhhh, Bryan, and try to focus on sending blood downwards. The struggle is REAL. This is him explaining that her problem with fratboys not being his problem:

Oh sure, of course we understand that! Who wouldn’t? She says he’s too drunk, but he’s got a fix! Moar beer. “Tonight, I might bang Tiffany” and  thank you, Captain Obvious, we had no idea what your intentions were! Where’s your lightsaber, Darth Maul? He slips getting into the hot tub, which Tiffany reminds him is exactly why they don’t allow glass in the hot tub, but he’s got some more words of wisdom to share with her: he still hasn’t made out with her yet, but he’s thinking about f***ing her and this is getting painful. He’s drunk and horny, we get it! We’ve all been there, maybe there aren’t donair shops on board to distract from bad decisions, but stahp!

We’re at the “sit on my thumb” stage of intoxicated woo-ing, I mean, come ON! Tiff declines, so Bryan moves onto the AngryDrunk stage, calling her a “‘hood rat, a crazy dragon and a drunk b*tch.” Okay, Imma stop writing this shite down, Karma will find someone who remembers how I carried on while drinking and none of you will talk to me any more. Oh and it’s over then anyway. Yay! Tiffany knows she dodged a bullet just then, she probably would have hooked up with him had he been just slightly less beer-soaked.

It’s the next morning! Julia’s getting a lot of shite from Hannah and Tiffany for leading Bobby on, but she and I don’t see it that way. She’s setting boundaries with him and not being rude, that’s a tough line to walk with a co-worker. She’s saying “back-up” and not cuddling or even pop-kissing, she can’t laugh at what he says? Tough, though, because Bobby thinks he’s making headway.

Bryan blacked the hot tub out, thank the gods for Bravo TV and the internet making sure that everyone else knows exactly what happened! Let’s run that back, Bryan, nope, Tiffany did NOT really want to hook up with you. Not after you started talking, anyway. We’re doing the Grease splitscreen, Tiffany’s telling the girls Bryan was super inappropriate in the hot tub and she went to bed, while he’s saying he sent her away for being boring. The tape says: he left and she was still soaking her head in a weird way while he slurred more invective at her. Ding! Also: I thought they weren’t supposed to be in the hot tub! Weren’t they vaguely warned against that by the Giant Freckle What Walks Like A Man?

We’re at 26 hours before charter! Danny’s standing there catching some rays while Jen squeegies windows, think you could help her our there, Daniel? He takes over in time for Bryan to come over and pick at his work. Next time, Bryan wants to know when he’s doing that. I mean. Danny likes to stay positive, but Bryan’s bringing him down, yo!

Pre-Charter Wheelhouse meeting! Information dissemination! We’ve got four people coming, two couples, primaries are Alan Miller Sr. and his wife Danyelle Rabine! His son Alan Jr. will be celebrating his 7 month anniversary with significant other Pamela. 7.month.anniversary. That is not an anniversary, that’s not even an even number. That offends. And it’s not even a marriage anniversary, it’s a dating anniversary. Hannah and I think that’s ridic, but Ben gets it, You’ve spending a lot of money! Have fun!

Ben rates the attractiveness of the female guests now, Danyelle is pretty but Pamela looks evil, and he likes that in a woman. She DOES look like a brunette Kate! But who she really looks like it Sam from Bachelor in Paradise! Remember puppet-master Samantha, with several men on the string from “social media”?

No? You may have more of a life than me. I cannot watch The Bachelor / Bacherlorette without being really, really mean, so I don’t, but BiP gives me LIFE. ANYWAY, Hannah’s not surprised by Ben’s predilection. Later, in the galley, Ben asks Hannah out on a date?? A date?? Really? That’s not a great idea, is it? Ahh he’s so cute, I’d go. Just not if I had to work with him when he fluctuates. Cuz that’s how he describes his flip-flopping: he fluctuates. She asks him to think about what he wants first, but she’ll go. Of course she’ll go, he’s adorable.

Danny and Jen have been getting along really well, she’s got a dry sense of humour that is fun and he’s just chill right now. They’re up in a top bunk when Bobby decides he needs in on the action, all 6 feet and four inches of him.

Ben’s sorting through his clothes to find something cute to wear, she dresses up and Bryan’s got his ears up: they look pretty good to go shopping, don’t they? He’s so dumb, but he thinks he’s smart. That’s the best kind, or whatever the opposite of best is.

Dinner time! She’s a DryWhite, he’s an AnyRed (like me), can this FlirtAtionship be saved? The server takes the order with his phone? What kind of technology is this?? Or is he just like a really bad waiter, checking his phone tableside? Either way, Ben doesn’t like how the guy is flirting with Hannah and actually talks to her about it. I think that’s good? I don’t like it when someone I’m on a date with is checking out other people (as IF!), good for him for saying something in a non-possessive way. It IS disrespectful.

More dinner and drinks and visiting, they’re getting along very well. Now it’s time for talking about the crew! Who’s your favourite? Hannah’s is Julia, of course, but like Rocky before, Ben likes the underdog, taking Danny. She asks if that’s because they both have a crush on her? Ben’s face means he doesn’t have to say anything

Dinner done, he buys and they have these little clippy-thingies to keep the cheque from blowing away because they are on the patio, what a great idea! Who came up with that? It’s genius! No goodnight kiss, but good feelings spread all over. Good idea Chef Yummo!

The next day Bobby is STILL rubbing his arse all over Julia, who’s being a good sport and there’s just this awkwardness. So: a co-worker likes you, but you have a partner. Do you shut them down and not joke around with them, or do you play along to be polite and get called a tease? And of course, Bobby’s so adorable and everybody wuvs him, his flirting and rubbing his arse on her is all in good fun, right? Don’t be a spoilsport, Julia! She gooses him, so he shouts, and she’d do that to anyone! She’s stick her finger up anyone’s bum (save the captain), if they were fully dressed.

Ben’s prepping freshly caught fish, Jen’s arranging flowers: 30 minutes to guests! Oh good lord. Alan Jr. looks like George Michael circa 1987, but gayer. That’s not a pejorative (gay is AWESOME), just a description. Alan Sr. is wearing an awesome pair of lemon pants and I dig that!

Ohhhhh, theese people have been on the boat before, Rocky made them puke with the grenadine in the oysters. What are these people doing on Below Deck twice in two years? The thirst is REAL. Here’s my recap for that episode!

Hannah takes them around the boat, yay! And right into the galley, where they tell Ben “good luck” which freaks him out a little, he’s never had guests say that to him before. As long as they’re not puking, call it a win, fella!

Time to head to sea! Ben’s making sushi again, very fancy looking, but easy to make (he swears: it does not look easy) while the guests drink champagne on deck. Dropping anchor in Rina Bay!

Tiffany and Bryan are noootttt talking, so awkward.

First course! Hannah explains it properly! Yay Hannah, high five! But Sr. can’t eat tuna, boooo. Yes, that should have been something you explained, Primary Guest, maybe on your preference sheets, or even in the galley earlier, asking about all the fresh fish available.

It seems like Sr. has high levels of mercury, and increasing even, so he can’t eat the tuna. Danyelle (dat.name) explains to Hannah, who’s off to tell Ben. She knows Ben’s going to be pissed, but he just says it would have been nice to know. He knows from mercury issues, like Jeremy Piven back in the day!

Ben throws together an octopus bruschetta, it looks AMAZING. It tastes fantastic too! I would eat octopus if Ben made it with garlic & heirloom cherry tomatoes too.

Pamela approaches Hannah, in that oh so ubiquitous drunkbaby voice with a side of CanadianTeenagerUpspeak, she asks about her and Jr.’s anniversary? They met in the Bahamas? When she was just getting off charter? (Yachtgirl? Pfft. Course) 7 months ago and it’s kind of special? They celebrate every month? So it might be cute? To have like a pretend Valentine’s day like they never had? Hey, if I have to hear it, you do too! I love how they’re doubling down on the tackiness; not JUST monthly anniversaries, but ALSO a fake Valentine’s day in September.

When told about the dinner theme, Ben feels as I do, oh gaawwwd. Love Supper! Roses, chocolate-dipped strawberries, ALL the predictable cliched V-Day traditions.

Water toys time! Yay! Jen and Danny bitch; why is it not crossing the line when Bryan and Bobby are cliff-diving and boating with the clients? Bobby and Bryan are definitely bros, Jen and Danny are definitely left out.

In the kitchen, I think Ben has gellied and frozen watermelons, maybe with vodka? That looks so cool! Tiffany asks if she can bartend for the guests for when they get back, they all want TiffanyShots! Hannah approves.

I’m finding myself rocking out to the atmosphere music the whole time, good job score supervisor or whoever you are! You rock!

Just then, Captain Mark gets a Mayday call, the Moonwalk is taking on water and requesting assistance. Now, if I were on what looks like a shitty boat like the Moonwalk (name written on in Sharpie), I would absolutely pull the plug right next to the Ionian Princess. It’s serious, though, that yacht is 50 foot and it is going DOWN. The deckhands all try to help, but it’s not looking good. Captain Mark calls the Coast Guard while Danny frantically bails. Another boat comes along and tows it away, whew!

Bros Bryan and Bobby use it as an opportunity to bash Danny some more: hahaha it’s so funny how fast Danny was moving! He’s so lazy and people almost lost a boat worth a million dollars, it’s so funny!

The guests all put on life preservers for dinner, er, whut? Then Bobby flirts all over Julia some more, and she kicks him back. She will need to be firmer if she really doesn’t want him to think it’s okay, especially since everyone on board thinks it’s just so kewt!

The guests want an espresso martini, Hannah makes it but asks Julia to suss out what kind of martini they want, sweeter, creamier, ‘splain, please. Sr. takes one sip and hands it back; he’ll be downstairs shortly to lay it out for Hannah in full. Hannah ain’t scurred.

Sr. makes it down later; has she ever made an espresso martini before? Hundreds, but he doesn’t believe her. They work on it together for a bit, turns out he likes an extra shot of espresso in his martini, just say that next time!

The guests are in the Valentine’s hot tub, now, TOGETHER, because that’s how I like my romance: with my dad and my stepmom within reach. Danyelle sees Bobby looking at Julia and presses, oh yay, now they’re in on it too.

Am I just reading too much political stuff into this? I just don’t like how Bobby’s decided he likes Julia, so he’s being over the top flirty with her and she’s trying not to be a killjoy, while maintaining a little bit of distance. But she also likes him, he’s fun! So now she’s being pushed into this boat romance when she has a boyfriend! She’s been very clear about that. On the other hand, maybe she IS giving as good as she’s getting and sprinkling around alls the mixed signals, I just don’t see it. What sayeth you, fellow Below Deck watchers?

Hannah and Ben are planning the next day’s menu, she can’t figure out his fluctuating! Julia’s calling her boyfriend Matty, telling him about Bobby, he goes silent. I hope she talks with Bobby soon. Just set up those super-firm boundaries!

The next morning, Bobby gossips with Bryan about Julia, saying that the guests called Julia out for flirting with him all day, I must have misheard, because I thought they just asked why he was leering at her and then she RAN.

Little pre-dinner meeting with Hannah and Ben, all sorted! Hannah’s off to book couples massages and musicians, she feels like the tip’s all on her. Danny gets to help Ben in the kitchen, yay!

Speaking of the menu, Hannah gets the rundown from Ben, two courses and canapes. She’s used to working with a printed menu on charters, but Ben’s an artist and HE CAN’T WORK LIKE THAT. This will be a problem later. Especially since Hannah forgets what the food is half the time.

She tentatively asks for lighter fare for canapes, what with the violinist and the romantic theme…he agrees to give her some smoked salmon on crostini. Whew. No fights yet. Ben’s such a kitchen diva, but I LOVE his food.

I was wrong about Pamela, Jr.s girlfriend of exactly 7 months, she doesn’t look like Sam, she looks like what a Khloe Kardashian and Chynna lovechild. I love Chynna, what a shocking death. This has been a hard year for celebrity losses, yo.

Pamela cries when she sees the table, she’s so overcome. I mean. I love balloons! LOVE balloons! Not romantic whatsoever. She calls it beyond, though.

Hannah delivers the shrimp with curried lentils, which is the main course, but she calls it the first course, keep your eye on the pebble, it will be moved around! Danyelle doesn’t eat all of hers, since there will be another course, but there will NOT, Ben is working on dessert. Julia remembers it properly, but Hannah has not, and she screws it up further by refusing his offer to make the kebabs he set aside earlier for her based on her desire for a lighter meal.

Hannah’s completely flustered now, she doesn’t know how to fix this so the guests don’t realise that she’s the one that made the mistake. She decides to ask them how their appetite is; do they want another course, or do they want dessert? They’ll take the kebabs, fanks!

Ben is angry, but biting it back. For about 30 seconds, then they’re fighting in earnest. We’re oot! Not much to say about this epi that I haven’t said too much about above, but I do think it’s kind of awful that we spent four times as much time talking about the correct way to make an espresso martini as we did about the million dollar boat that almost sank. Cheers, until next time, keep your prawns on your curried lentils!