So we didn’t even get the tip the last two episodes of Below Deck Mediterranean, come ON!! Throw us a bone, Bravo, you know what we’re here for! On the other hand, because everyone was stranded last episode it means that we’ll get a good, long drunk night out, so we’ll make lemonade out of that. Rolling Double Trouble after the break!

We’re at Hour 9 of the tangled anchor ordeal; poor bosun Wes Walton has been at it hammer and tongs the entire time, when he wasn’t swimming around trying to murder himself by poking at it up close. He gets it!! Woo hoo Wes!

Insanely pretty deckhand Malia White is finding Wes’s competency and take charge attitude sexy, but she also digs Chef Adam Glick, so what’s a single gal to do? KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, MALIA! You didn’t wanna get wifed up, right?

Oh jeez, they only have 12 hours until the next charter, maybe we won’t get a long boozy night out after all. *pouty face*

When do we getta see the tip?? I guessed $20,000 a whole week ago, mostly based on those long tacky t-shirts.

We getta see it now! Meeting in the salon! Captain Sandy Yawn takes a minute to remind people not to be rude (BOBBY) while under stress; deckhand Bobby Giancola is just glad she didn’t say his name, although we all knew what she was laying down.

Oh. $17,000. I guess that’s fine, $1500 each isn’t bad, right? Plus all the vagina you could not possibly not look at.

Time for crew night out, except for second stew Christine “Bugsy” Drake; Adam’s getting super attached to Malia, although he’s old enough to be her dad, right?

His eyes are all shiny and wet and it’s creeping me out in interview, dude! Don’t smoke a bowl and eye-drop right before shooting!

Party time, weird blue shots for everyone! Nobody likes them, Adam would rather “shit in his hand and clap” then finish it. He’s too busy watching Wes and Malia talk; awwww poor Bobby doesn’t even realise his giant llama arse isn’t even entered in the Tournament de Malia.

Chief stew Hannah Ferrier thinks it’s hilarious watching all these men throw themselves at Malia

Only deckhand Max Hagley is resisting the urge; he’s got a bird back home. Adam’s enlisted Hannah as his wingwoman now; questioning her about Malia and Wes and waxing poetic about wanting a relationship, not random hookups. See? He too old.

Adam and Wes get nibbles in the galley; they say goodnight to third stew Lauren Cohen with “bye Drama” HAHAHAHAHAHA.

That’s the best thing I’ve seen all season, high fives Adam and Wes!

Lauren calls them on it, but she can’t really argue…but we get a little backstory. She was a full-on Mean Cheerleader back in high school and ended up alone and depressed; I get that people can change, but guuurl.

She goes and finds Bobby and asks for a hug with “I’m sorry if you’re sorry.”

I’M SORRY IF YOU’RE SORRY.

That’s not an apology, that’s a manipulative ho that doesn’t want to be called Drama anymore. Pfft

Back in the galley, Adam’s watching Wes and Malia flirt right until she double dips in the mashed potatoes. Wes and I are out; that ain’t right. Watching these guys watch Malia is about as interesting as watching a nature film from the 70s, it’s all “the aged chef carefully sizes up his virile competitor for the female’s attention and fluffs up his date plaid in a circular fashion while emitting soft hooting moans.”

Plus, she’s just there to work

LOOK HOW GORGEOUS THIS DOCK IS??!!

Pre-charter meeting with the captain; this is only a one-day charter, so it should be easy peasy. The Primaries are Eden Algie and his girlfriend Evva Fenison, other guests include Daniel Connor, Deanna Kendall and nobody has any weird food sensitivities or “allergies”! Adam is thanking the gods but Captain Sandy just wants to make sure the crew is ready after the anchor fiasco.

She must mean Bobby, but really: my five year old uses much bigger words and understands chain of command better. He doesn’t FOLLOW the chain of command, he just knows it exists and I’m not sure FunBobs does. The guests want ALLS the water toys. You know what they need? A critter-free pool.

It’s charter time already, holy shite! That was fast. Here they come! They all look completely normal, Bobby was just getting used to all the nudity from the Mr. Skin crowd, dang it. They…disinfected, yes?

Boat tour! My favourite part of this whole boat is the floating deck, that’s the best thing ever. If it had a critter-free pool attached, even better. Second favourite thing is that gym on deck! Tell me that’s not awesome??!

Hannah shows everyone around and explains the itinerary; I just stare at her CHIPS sunglasses perched on top of her messy-not-on-purpose ponytail. Looks so unprofessional.

Bugsy is mixing drinks and taking names, she’s just working her fingers off (with tidy hair). Good on her! She’s impressing Adam with her professionalism and organizational skills; he’s gotta work much harder with Hannah. Bugsy is just glad there aren’t any wonky nips about to take her eye out.

Speaking of wonky nips, we get to hear a bit about Max’s girlfriend Emily. She’s a “glam naughty” dancer in Saudi Arabia? Dubai? Somewhere hot and they don’t want to let her out of her contract. She’s not a stripper, per se, more like a go go dancer. I didn’t even know Glam Naughty was a dance style but now I think it should be my Drag name.

Wes and Malia drop the anchor; he wants the Captain to see him delegating successfully to the crew but unlike his predecessors *coughBryancough*, he is doing that by leading respectfully and engaging with the crew in a positive manner.

Malia digs that he can teach her something new.

Time for all the water toys! It’s going great until the banana being towed by the tender flips the two guests off, then it’s an emergency and Bobby’s in the water.

One of the guests is hurt, thankfully Bobby is also a paramedic and he’s all over it. The guest is maybe in shock but the Captain can’t come see because the yacht is dragging anchor.

Hannah’s so impressed with Bugsy that she sends her for some chill time with Adam ashore. Meanwhile, the crew is showing how green their arses are to Captain Sandy again, this stuff is Yachting 101!

They manage to make it into dock, eventually, then Captain Sandy goes down to check on the guest who went banana overboard. She’s still quite sore, but glad she was wearing a life jacket. It probably saved her.

The guests go ashore to eat lunch in Croatia while Adam and Bugsy source fresh fish for supper and Malia and Wes flirt. Bobby watches forlornly before retreating to the crew kitchen to play sad guitar solos all by himself. He thinks Malia has given him a pass because of the drama the other night, but I think she was just never into you, Bobby.

Adam’s fully digging Bugsy now, he appreciates her work ethic and professionalism and me too! She could lay off the votives and polyester satin for table setting is all I’m saying.

The guests are coming back to the boat but oops: they have an extra ten people with them. They’re only 8 and they’re bringing back an extra 10? Wow. I hope Adam got LOTS of fresh, local fish.

Guess who’s taking care of the 18 guests? Lauren! Third stew Lauren is gonna feed and take care of all 18 of these needy rich half-drunk people all by herself. This is her time to shine!

Adam is confused that guests are wandering into the galley looking for brewskis; there are three stewardesses! But Lauren hasn’t told the other stews she’s sinking and that is Rookie Mistake No.1. Also known as: I Can Totally Do This All Myself And I Won’t Ask For Help Until It’s Too Late.

Adam’s not letting the tip sink with Lauren, though, he wakes up Hannah and sends her on deck to Lauren’s chagrin. This was her time to shine! As the guests wander around foraging on their own for booze.

Hannah gets it sorted and starts setup for the Croatian-themed dinner party; toga toga toga! Most of the guests and crew are into it, save the men (boooo!! I have a great picture of a formerly dear male friend in a hot pink toga with fig leaf headpiece; good times!) one of whom Hannah shoos away during setup. I bet she could have done that more nicely.

That guest is a problem during dinner as well; he’s still bitching about the togas (which look lovely on the ladies) and being told to leave that area. Now he’s complaining about the price of wine; he’s one of those people who know the price or everything and the value of nothing.

Lauren has been downstairs having her “ironing arm” massaged because it’s sore instead of helping with service; Adam doesn’t seem able to not speak his mind and that’s kind of awesome. She overhears him talking about her briefly and claps back while telling us she’s not feeling herself with all these bad feelings about her and she thinks people can tell that.

Honey. Nobody cares whether you’re feeling yourself or not during service, they just want you DOING YOUR JOB.

Save me from entitled growed up daddy’s girls who are used to being asked “awww what’s the matter, Princess?” every time a shadow crosses their face.

Hannah’s slacking during service is driving Adam crazy too; turns out he’s totally #TeamBugsy who is organized and proactive.

Adam comes out (in a white jacket FINALLY) to hand out the cake he’s made, it’s purty! Kinda blurry, though, so just imagine a four-layer white cake surrounded by fruit and a bunch of crew members in togas. I finally understand why Bobby and Max are there; to get their kit off whenever possible. This is not the last group, though, I’m sure none of these guys appreciate seeing all this beefcake on parade.

The obstreperous guest from earlier decides to talk about the tip for the crew in FRONT of the crew; how tacky is that?? Hannah and me think that if you have to argue about the tip, you shouldn’t be here. How tacky and awkward for the staff still serving while the rude guys hollers they should all just leave $200. That’s insane.

Now the Primary Eden is mad and his girlfriend Evva is down harassing Hannah, trying to figure out if she overheard anything. She’s getting vibes of something wrong, and I think it’s Baby Huey upstairs pitching a fit, Evva, go check it lest you wreck it.

Since Bugsy is in charge of whipping Lauren into shape; she’s been having a little trouble understanding exactly what Lauren DOES all day. She doesn’t help with setup; she’s not stocking: I think the problem is that Lauren is one of those partic drama queens that is locked in a cycle of examining everything through her feels. Someone asks her a question about work she hasn’t done yet; she’s taking it as an attack and worrying about how she’s being perceived instead of you know: DOING THE WORK she’s being asked about.

Hannah is similarly clueless; Adam and her are chatting about Wes, Hannah suggests Adam should just f*ck Wes and be done with it. I’m watching with messed-up audio so I’m having to do a lot of guessing and lipreading but I could see Adam get mad a mile away when she said that. Full Chef Pout, y’all! Then the crazy over-bright eyes.

It is a little tone deaf of Hannah since Adam spent the night before asking her about how Malia feels about him because apparently everyone is in middle school on Below Deck Med. Bobby the immature jock who everyone wants to hang out with..but not date maybe. Hannah the one smoking butts under the bleachers and quoting Jack Kerouac, Lauren mean-cheerleading of course and Malia being trailed by allllls the boys who she just considers best friends.

It’s 5:30 on the last day of the charter; Max is already dreaming of getting “bang on the piss” which I assume is English for getting schwasted. Like the guests, who are having so much fun!

Hannah decides to pull rank and explain about Bugsy’s poor etiquette in not putting her radio on the charger the previous evening; Bugsy suggests Hannah perhaps should just grab a freshly charged battery instead. Ooooohhhh, helpful AND professional, Adam and I are #TeamBugsy

Captain Sandy is all done being calm about the crew’s incompetence re: stern lines in the water as she’s maneuvering the giant yacht; if Wes doesn’t get this crew in line, she will. Sure he can bang away at hunks of metal for 9 hours, but if he can’t keep lines out of the water, he’s DUN.

The guests depart, Evva giving a speech and leaving a very slim-looking tip envelope *sad panda* but we kinda expected that.

Tip Meeting in the Salon! Oh. And it’s $12,000 for one night, which is actually a fantastic tip, weird. I guess the little guy won out over the big loud guy! Party time!

First we have flipping the boat time; Lauren complains to Bugsy about Wes’s shorts being dirty…so weird. Bugsy tells her to ask for help if she needs it and Lauren isn’t doing that. She doesn’t like to ask for help, she doesn’t like to be assertive oh good lord. I wouldn’t be in my early twenties again for all the gross blue shots in Croatia. I get that she wants to prove herself, but she’s still not hearing what Bugsy is saying: if you can’t finish something, communicate. Not: I’m here for you and you’re doing a great job, Champ and I can’t wait to help you become a better person!

Hannah comes in then; she sort of appreciates Bugsy helping but she wants to be in the loop. The energy in the room changes immediately; and Lauren is crying almost as fast. Bugsy is frustrated because this was her problem she was dealing with and now Hannah’s taking the problem BACK, but with brute force.

Lauren thinks she should just go home, more attention-seeking dramz based on navigating by feels.

 

Time to go out! Malia’s got a face full of makeup and is all dressed up, which makes Bobby say all kinds of wrong things all in a row. Poor Bobby. He really is very sweet when he’s not raging.

Conversation at dinner turns to whether Bugs and Wes have ever hooked up; they stall then deny. Probably some drunken kissing, that totally doesn’t count. (RIGHT????) Bugs has a long time boyfriend Warren and like Max: she doesn’t give off that energy of looking for anything. It’s nice.

They go to the club; roses are flying everywhere and Malia is weighing her options but Adam and Wes are circling. Bobby gets in there first, but he’s been so solidly friend-zoned that I feel cold just watching. Lauren and Hannah make up while Adam compliments Bugs on being SO MUCH BETTER THAN HANNAH, which makes Bugs hella uncomfortable. She no likey. She’s gotta work with Hannah and she doesn’t need someone in the kitchen keeping score and inciting drama.

Adam asks Bugs if he has a chance with Wes and honestly, dude. Stop wasting your time talking to other women about how much you like Malia and watching her cuddle with Wes while barking on about not feeling threatened.

Wes makes his move and the previews didn’t show it accurately; Malia was NOT into being kissed by her boss, Mr. My First Rule Is To Never Date Coworkers.

Malia breaks away immediately and finds Adam, that’s a signature girl move. I don’t blame her, just anyone but Adam would have been a better choice.

Bugs is ready to get to the bottom of things

But she tells Wes that Malia really likes him and I don’t know if that’s true. Because Malia is downstairs in the bathroom being kissed by Adam, who’s marking his territory. Hm. She stays put longer, but I can’t tell if she’s into it or not because I can’t see her face. He’s got a deathgrip on her neck and he looks like a dementor; she’s going nowhere.

And we’re out.

Next week we have Lauren slut-shaming Malia for making out with two guys in the same night who share a room, pfft, sell it somewhere else, sweetheart. Malia is of age and those guys both kissed HER, she wasn’t on a drunk kissy. And so what if she was?

Thanks for making it up to us with TWO tips this time, Bravo! You are forgiven.

Oh for the love of sweet baby Jeebus, next week we’ve got Ken Novotny from Oklahoma City back next time. You remember them; Danny watched the chubby Okies have a threeway in the hot tub! Until then, cheers!