Hi guys! Long time no yachtsnark! Who’s ready for some semi-maufactured dramz Below Deck in the high seas? ME TOO! Rolling the return of our Mediterranean gang after the break! We’re going to Italy on the Talisman Maiton!!

Oooooh, the promo is exciting (Captain Sandy wants to fire Hannah??!!)  but ADAM IS BACK?? What????? For the love of

Other than Hannah and Adam, most of the crew is new and green, poor badass Captain Sandy Yawn. I have no doubt she can handle it, though, she’s the calmest, most chill but empowering Captain I’ve seen. She’s got this.

Let’s meet everyone!

We’re 28 hours before charter and chief Stewardess Hannah Ferrier is the first to arrive, she’s 30 this year and feeling her biological clock ticking. Apparently there’s a shelf life for yachties and she’s feeling…behind?

She greets Captain Sandy, we get our first shot of her in her bra and then chef Adam Glick arrives. Srlsy. This guy was SUCH a tool last season, I can’t believe Captain Sandy (or Bravo) gave him the re-up. He’s been wandering around in his shagging wagon, all focused now that deckhand Malia White is gone. WHATEVS BRO

Bosun Conrad Empson arrives next, he’s suuuuuper young (23) but has been in yachting a whole 4 years. Captain Sandy takes him for a boat tour while Hannah greets the next arrival.

Third Stewardess Kasey Cohen is your typical Instagram yachtie, from New York and already showing roots. Tsk tsk, pageant queen.

João Franco from Zimbabwe is the new adorable deckhand, Hannah thinks he’s hot af AND is from her parents home country, so she’s ‘CITED.

Second Stewardess Brooke Laughton shares a mutual friend with Hannah, who is happy that slow-speaking Brooke isn’t the traitorous Bugsy of last season.

FYI: Bugs was a much better stew, you can quote me on that. She just needed a tiny bit of confidence and should never ever take a secondary role again.

Wooooo I knew I heard showtunes in the promo, it was Colin Macy-O’Toole, a ferry captain from New York to Fire Island. I’m hereby assuming all that goes with that.

First crew meeting! We meet the real (not camera-friendly) people running the boat (except for Elliot, he was cute, maybe no “personality” or is just “competent at his job” and therefor not a good fit for “reality” TV) and then Captain Sandy reels off a long list of Do’s and Don’ts for an increasingly restless gang of twenty-somethings. And 30 year old Hannah.

23 hours before charter! Everyone works and works (Colin in a fetching headband, very Olivia Newton-John), everyone has quite a lot of experience except for deckhand Jamie Jason, who’s only had only one other yachting job.

Conrad breaks things down for his crew, João is lead hand and that is actually a thing! Jamie is South African, so she and João bond over his formal manner of speaking.

Hannah has a similar meeting with her stews, at least she warns them about her mood swings. Surely they’ve seen the show? Just get Hannah drunk, ladies, flirt with her then hold her hair. You’ll be fine.

Pre-Charter meeting, woooo!! The Primary is Nichelle Gainey from Atlanta, GA:woooo! I either love it or hate it when women are the Primaries…just like when it’s men…but but there are far fewer female Primary charter guests and I am HERE for it! Wooo! Her friends Michelle Mase, Areca Whatmore (that’s a NAME) and other women will be joining Nichelle, they’re expecting perfect service.

I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

I love how Captain Sandy makes Adam read the preference sheet back to her so she knows he’s read it. Lazy emotionally manipulative bastage.

Brooke’s having relationship troubles with her boyfriend already, I sense dramz! Conrad heads down to the poshest smoke pit ever to get his ass chewed over his age. João has already decided to think of him like a child, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

Brooke wanders down to get approval for her boyfriend coz Hannah “hasn’t banged him” and SURE, you remember allll the chefs you banged, Hannah.

The next day everyone is up and at it early, Conrad and João seem to be having a little bit of trouble talking over each other and Kasey is stuck in the tiniest, dankest laundry room ever. She has never done laundry, she lives at home, greeted by her parents every morning thusly:

I’m totally gonna make fun, but to be honest that sounds kinda awesome. Maybe even just a “good morning” instead of “MOOOOOOOMMMMM HE TOOK THE BIG PIECE OF TOAST BUT IT WAS MY TURN AND”

30 minutes! Flowers and whites!! Time for the guest arrival!

Wow, Nichelle is an amazon! She’s a good foot taller than Captain Sandy. Very first boat tour, I AM SO EXCITED!!

Huh. There’s a lot of velour…

First de-docking, it goes great! Hannah sets the guests up with bevvies and offers a fruit plate. Someone brings up nuts twice, so this is my type of party. Throw in some cheese and you won’t need me for dinner.

Kasey has motion sickness, buried in that dank little laundry room in the most luxurious boat in the world.

7 minutes later, the guests wanna know where their nuts are. Hannah, why didn’t you just open a jar? And Adam, why didn’t you make a fruit / cheese platter in advance?

The guests take matters into their own hands, wandering around asking AGAIN with increased stridency for the nuts and drinks to be tended to, seriously. Unreal. Instead of getting the increasingly grouchy guests food and drinks, Hannah brings Kasey gingerale.

João continues talking over Conrad, with the wrong information even.

The guests finally get their food, but NO nuts. Still. 30 minutes it takes them to deliver nuts, honestly. They’re not even the nuts they wanted! These guests are hangry and not taking any stew bullshite. That food should have been ready before they even got aship.

Kasey does her best not to throw up.

The actual lunch goes over fine, whew. We were all holding our breath until the first bite cleared teef.

Now the gang wants to go boat hopping, calling it a “Hospitality Visit” but that sounds exactly like Vicky Gulvalson at Lake Havasu!! But with more husband hunting.

The ladies wander around in a tender waving around bottles of champagne while Jamie and João cringe. They do not get any takers, I feel bad for them but they did not read the crowd.

Hmmm, Brooke and João flirttinggggg.

The guests like the Caprese salad, Bernie of NutGate appreciating the seasoning but the drunky redhead Areca calls the second course unacceptable, her dog eats food like this, she doesn’t. No starches! Adam comes up to get his feedback, which is that the presentation is lacking – “never bring another dinner in a bowl.”

The feedback goes on and on and it’s ALL bad. Adam is off to make grilled cheese for Areca who “never eats starches.” And spaghetti. FOR WOMEN WHO DON’T EAT STARCHES.

This is two hours past supper and deckhand Jamie is doing the turndown as Kasey and tries not to throw up.

What an unsuccessful first day on Charter! That was 35k wasted for these women!

Next day, Kasey is still very much under the weather, she can’t help at all. The guests didn’t sleep well either, so now they want to talk to the Captain.

I’m not throwing any shade at Primary Nichelle and her gang, but they can’t talk about luxury but then try to pick up strangers in yachts with their bewbs out.

Season preview! It looks WOOOOOO!! That was for you, Vicki. Until next time!