Below Deck Mediterranean S3:E06 Hasta Barista, Baby! Recap

It's Below Deck Med tiiiiiiimmmmeeee wooooo! Who's ready for our hottie yachties playing in the Mediterranean under the hot sun? Me too! Rolling S3:E06 Hasta Barista, Baby! after the break!

Everyone is enjoying their night out, Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier making out with Bosun Conrad Empson  and general hilarity ensuing. Second stew Brooke Laughton is sitting on the ground in the alley instead, she's had an emotional day. She's missing her sister's wedding, her boyfriend recently broke up with her, her flirt crush is all over someone else, girl needs a minute, okay?

Chef Adam Glick checks on her, she takes this opportunity to profess her like for him. Since she's crying when she says it, he correctly diagnoses emotional overload and lets her down gently. He is all kindness for her but tells us that she's just not his type.

Brooke's former flirt crush is lead deckhand João Franco, he's busy trying to make something work with third stew Kasey Cohen. It's just that...Kasey isn't exactly what you'd call sexually active and I fully support whatever level of asexuality she's sporting, but of course he sees it as a challenge.

Also: Bravo producers are ALL about the Never to Sorry, check out such memorable foibles as:

  • Wes from Below Deck Med: "I would NEVER date staff." Now happily dating lead deckhand Malia White
  • Eddie, bosun from OG Below Deck: "I am in a relationship and would never sleep with a member of the staff." Screwed Rocky/Raquel six ways from Sunday in the laundry room wearing only a sombrero and a colourful woven blanket

And from my personal life: a former acquaintance that was part of a large group, given all the snaps for not ever swearing in print then broke a landspeed record trying to post "fuck" as soon as possible while pretending it was unrelated. People like to set things up as absolutes so they can absolutely knock them down like bowling pins.

Kasey wants to find a guy who will treat her like his dad treats his mom which we horrifyingly find out means "won't take no for an answer."

Could someone get Kasey a wi-fi connection and the spelling of #MeToo so she can understand how fucking shitty that is for men and women? Men, as here, are expected to keep asking and asking, that's how the women know she's really wanted! Not because he says so sincerely, because HE REPEATEDLY IGNORES HER WISHES TO STOP. This is how stalking happens, this is how restraining orders are born, say what you mean Kasey, for the love of GOD.

By the way: J-Dawg is a total dbag innit for whatever he can get, after every woman all the time. If you choose to go with him because he's wasted enough time "wearing down your defenses" like a rapey romance novel: you get the life you asked for.

Hannah does a drunken striptease for Conrad, she really has amazing boobs. Conrad still thinks he's in a conversation, he's like Brooke talking to a drunken João about their "connection." Hannah can barely keep her head up she's so tired but mostly schwasted, maybe save the meaningful convo until she's not seeing double.

Conrad crawls into Hannah's bunk in the morning, still uncomfortable with the amount of PDA they shared in front of the crew, on the lower level Brooke is cringing remembering talking to Adam.

I know I'm old and boring now but man am I glad I don't drink. I got it all out of my system when I was their ages! Mostly! I don't think I could handle this shite at 45.

I feel bad for deckhand Jamie Jason. She's absolutely adorable and has a nose I can't stop obsessing over, but they haven't given her one arc yet, not ONE! Okay, her and João had a tiff, but that fizzled and now her screentime consists of talking about chocolate milk. Help a girl out, Bravo!

Pre-Charter Meeting in the crew mess, woo! Who's our new superrich gang o' jerks?? Okay, we don't KNOW they're jerks (we could probably infer it), so we'll keep an open mind about Derrek and Iliana Milan of Sausalito, CA.

These guys are recruiters and are totally open to trying new food, yay! Adam wants to be excited, but he's got PTSD from Honey Sharshar and her extremely extreme friends from last charter.

Hannah pulls Brooke and Kasey aside for a pre-charter meeting of their own, Kasey needs to figure everything the eff oot; she couldn't even handle two drinks last charter. One of those drinks was WATER WITH A LEMON SLICE.

Hannah questions Kasey about her service background, does she really really have Silver Service in her background? Kasey says nah, I didn't put that on my resume, but since Hannah JUST looked at her resume, I'll go get some popcorn while Hannah fetches the receipts.

Kasey doesn't even know what Silver Service means.

She also doesn't know what barista is, although she has that on her resume too. She gave it to a friend in yachting to "polish" now she thinks having barista training and silver service is for superhumans. She is not a superhuman.

Hannah is pissed, that's why she left Kasey to manage breakfast service on her own, on paper Kasey had the qualifications. Now, spending 5 minutes with Kasey you know she's used to slowly serving Jack and Coke to rich old men, but this is Hannah's "reason" for being mad at Kasey, even though she should have noticed how unprepared Kasey is.

I particularly like the part where Kasey's like: dude, I don't know what's on my resume, sorry and Hannah's all: DUDE IT'S YOUR RESUME and then she's off and mad.

That wasn't even worth my popcorn, Kasey, get off my screen.

Deckhand Colin Macy-O'Toole calls his mom, he's a mama's boy only child. He lives two blocks away from his parents. This is another crew member struggling for storyline, help a fella out, Bravo!

*that should not involve Colin "rapping" again, pls. Thx, Everyone.*

Hannah takes Kasey's resume to Captain Sandy Yawn, who agrees that lying on one's resume is a Very Bad Thing, but they have a charter boarding today. They'll figure it out after.

Captain Sandy thinks Hannah should have had Kasey trained by now, this is their fourth charter and third stew is an entry level position. We all know that Hannah doesn't do training.

During boat cleanup, Hannah literally spends hours telling everyone about Kasey's fake resume instead of doing anything helpful. It's like the person who gets fired for spending their time composing a list of reasons why they couldn't get something done: teams and bosses do a lot better with solutions. How about if you spent some of that time training Kasey? How about that?

Guest arrival time! I'll probably regret this, but I like these guests on sight, they look nice!

Boat tour! I love the contrast between the guests walking around this huge luxury yacht while deckhands struggle with their luggage down a tiny hallway.

Brooke and Adam talk about the guests, they liked them on sight too! Don't let us down, Primary Derrek and Iliana!

Conrad expertly takes the boat out of dock then they put everything away because the wind is terrible. João notes that Conrad doesn't have a task list, but since he bitches about Conrad all the time, he decides to let him fail on his own this time.

Adam prepares lunch while Captain Sandy and Hannah discuss the usual outside table, they don't think they can serve there because of the wind. João jumps in, there are blinds that can be put up. Captain Sandy is impressed with our lead deckhand, he shows initiative and has a great work ethic. Basically the opposite of what she said about Conrad last time.

Y'all know they're setting us up for a dogfight between João and Conrad, right?

The guests LOVE the lunch, there's so much food! The guests are so awesome and appreciative, I love them! I really needed a good group of charter guests, the last few have been...not awesome.

What was I saying about Captain Sandy? She finds Hannah and Conrad talking in the salon and lays into him, even though he's already arranged for his crew to do what she's asking.

I really like Captain Sandy, I think she's an excellent leader, great for empowering her crew and a willing trainer. This season she seems like she's leaning toward quick and sharp reactions, I'm wondering at the change.

For the record, Adam doesn't have any problem with Kasey lying on her resume, lots of people do that, including him. The important thing is that she has a willingness to learn.

There's an awesome new toy for the guests to play with, it's an inflated bull to ride! Jamie is enjoying the physique on one of the guests, she's not even being subtle with her staring. I'm guessing it's been a little while. I don't know if you needed to call him a "six on land" while drooling, Jamie, for real.

The nice guests (yay!) get ready for supper (THEY'RE ON TIME), Adam cooks, Kasey cleans and tells us she has a degree in Psychology. Guuurl. What are you doing on a yacht? Is this a practicum for you? Are you interning for Bravo?

Hannah walks Kasey back through the cabins to show her everything she didn't do, she's just the worst leader ever. I get that she's mad, but if she wants to get through this charter without blowing a vein, she's going to need to understand that what's she's doing is making it worse.

Is there a psychologist on board?

I love these guests sitting there on time at the table in their sweatsedoes! That's a terrycloth sweatsuit that looks like a tuxedo, hahaha. Honestly, I love the difficult guests as much as you do, but we needed a palate cleanse after those "is that kosher? Because I don't eat kosher" yerkwads.

The hunky guest even gets up to clear the dishes, this is what he does at home! Adam's mad, he needed a little extra plating time and now that everything is cleared, they're sitting there with nothing in front of them and he's mad at Hannah. Again.

Straight arrow João judges Kasey for lying on her resume, she could be farked!

The guests go to bed before the last gang even showed up for dinner and the crew knocks off to bed. Conrad climbs into Hannah's bunk as Kasey goes over her duties.

João tells Kasey that Hannah is shittalking her all over the ship, since she already talked about firing her to her face, Kasey's not that surprised. João reminds Kasey that only Captain Sandy can fire her, not Hannah, so buck up and keep at it.

They're off to Capri! Jamie and Brooke are going on land with the guests, they're both very excited. So many selfies later, we're in Capri and it's gorgeous!

Kasey asks Captain Sandy how to make her coffee, that's showing initiative! Or kissing bum, one of those.

João, Conrad and Colin work on the slide, it's all twisted up so João wants to untwist it but Conrad thinks it won't but then it does AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW OR CARE.

The guests love the yacht so much that they want to stay, take Kasey's outfit and work there! Hey, she could actually do that!

The guests get back and hit all the water toys, great contrast shot between the guest complaining about the salty-ass (sea) water and Jamie standing there holding a towel for them and a couple of empty drinks.

This is like Downton Abbey Asea! Which one is Thomas, that scheming bastage?

The guests love supper, Adam is so happy until the hunky guest clears the table again. Dessert isn't ready yet! Some limoncello staves off the growlies and then dessert is ready and supper is knocked out of the park again.

The guests go to bed immediately!

The next morning Captain Sandy compliments Kasey on her improvements then calls Conrad over and over as Hannah complains again about being lied to.

João gets called to the bridge and Conrad is sent to watch the anchor then empties the garbage.

We're out!

So. What do you think about this obvious setup scenario of João and Kasey vs. Conrad and Hannah? There have always been problems with Hannah's work ethic, but she's been around a minute, so I don't see her going anywhere. I don't understand why Captain Sandy is getting so angry so quickly with her, or judging Conrad so repetitively. João is indeed competent and hard working, like Bugs last season: he should not take a secondary role again. However! He is in a secondary role right now, and what he is doing is perfect. Fix what needs to be fixed but don't say anything and ride it out. Conrad has the job for now and it must be for a reason, so figure out why then make your move after if you can. Kasey needs to never be left alone and should probably not stew for someone like Hannah again. Until next time! Cheers