Happy Canada Day everyone! Did you have a good one? Okay, I know most of y’all are Americans, have so much fun in a couple of days on your country’s birthday! So I’m super late with Below Deck Mediterranean, but I’m here now so let’s just try to have a good time, deal? Rolling S3:E07 after the break!

We left with bosun Conrad Empson emptying garbage while his lead deckhand João Franco got boat steering lessons from Captain Sandy Yawn. Conrad just hopes this won’t make J-WOWW think he’s a person or anything, 23-year-old Conrad is still his boss!

Sorry!

Chef Adam Glick cooks breakfast for our awesome guests, they’re Derrek and Iliana Milan and they’re sooooo chill. Third stew Kasey Cohen has had a Rocky charter so far, chief stew Hannah Ferrier confronted her about her Resume of Lies, so she’s trying really hard to prove she can be a useful member of the crew. By making grapefruit juice that nobody asked for. BUT! They did ask for it on previous days, so good on ya, girl.

Nobody drinks the grapefruit juice, but the point has been made and now Hannah doesn’t get to fire anyone. Boo hoo.

As João laid out for us carefully last episode: Hannah can’t fire anyone, that is solely the responsibility of Captain Sandy, so.

Conrad and Hannah flirt in the kitchen while second stew Brooke Laughton does all the work, it’s either par for the course with Hannah or another editing triumph.

With the help of Conrad and deckhands Colin Macy-O’Toole and Jamie Jason, Captain Sandy brings the boat into dock, by boat I mean super mega yacht, right? HOOGE.

The guest are leaving, awww, I loved these guys! One fella even insisted on clearing plates, earning Hannah’s giggling acceptance and Adam’s ire, but if you can’t appreciate someone on a superyacht clearing their own plates: you need to look within. They handover a big tip envelope, woooo! I will guess $20,000 Euros!

Kasey even helps carry luggage, she’s doing everything she can to stay on this ship! She gets a round of applause before the tip is split, internally Hannah is this again.

Captain Sandy makes Conrad and Hannah say everything is awesome before she’ll spill about the tip, come on! Show me the money! It’s $18,000 Euros or $21,000usd, that’s awesome!

Captain Sandy has noted Hannah’s less than enthusiastic work response and approaches her later in the smoke pit. Hannah can’t believe they’re giving rounds of applause to someone who lied on their resume, Captain Sandy is more concerned about a good attitude and effort. It’s an unskilled role and now that Hannah knows just how unskilled Kasey is, she expects Hannah to make it work with Kasey.

I get where Hannah is coming from, but never waste time coming up with reasons to tell your boss why things aren’t working, spend that time coming up with ways to make it work. And Captain Sandy is so right in that the more you yell at someone, the worse they do. Does Hannah really think training a brand new third stew four charters in is the way to go?

In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn:

In this case, IT is Kasey.

There is always that one person who thinks they have to stand up to the status quo and speak truth to power and it totally doesn’t have anything to do with arrogance or a need for attention. This season it is João who is going to take on Hannah because that is what makes the most sense when you are working in very close quarters with people that you have to rely on.

Hannah goes straight to Kasey to yell at her some more, she’s tired from working so hard!

*a better editor would have cut to her flirting with Conrad while Brooke set the table*

and she needs to see some initiative from Kasey! Honestly, that is all Kasey’s been showing, back it up, H!

It’s time for a crew night out, they’re going to a Michelin-starred restaurant! Adam is excited to be on the receiving end for once, he’s excited about all of this! He really likes talking to the server about how the lobster is cooked, let’s just say Hannah does not.

Hannah can’t even clink a glass right, either, according to João. Look, I get that you’re a binge drinker spoiling for a fight, but are you sure how someone says “cheers” to you is the hill you want to die on, J?

He tells her he hopes her sip goes down with nails, how does that make sense? Hannah interprets it as hoping her throat is slit? Hannah and Conrad go for a smoke while Adam ponders the nature of two people that love to challenge other people hating to be challenged.

Ah jeez, Hannah’s slurring already and that was super aggressive for João already, how long have they been out? Hannah makes it back to the table to slur at a heavy-drinking Brooke exactly what just happened, which everyone was there for and saw.

Kasey looks lovely, but she’s not phased by João flirting with Brooke instead of her, he failed her test. And normal test.

What?

Adam’s just pissed this didn’t happen at the crappy pizza joints they’ve been at and not at the site of his best meal ever.

Cabs on the way to the pub are awkward: Hannah holding court in one and João in the other with both of the women he’s been hitting on.

Interesting: João says that every girlfriend he’s ever had has cheated on him and is using this as the basis of his constant game playing. He doesn’t want to get hurt, so instead he’s hurting others, I gather?

Dancing time! Conrad and Hannah cuddle while Colin and Brooke dance, before João jumps in. She clings to him while Kasey watches. Brooke is very, very drunk, as is João, so she settles into a chair and falls asleep as Hannah and the rest of the crew take selfies making fun of her condition.

I’m 100% behind João stopping this, Hannah slurs invective while I worry about all of them and their livers. Being young is awesome, it just doesn’t last.

How is João making sense now? Because he baited Hannah into an argument she can’t handle while that intoxicated? Everyone watches the fight, but Conrad steps in when he hears Hannah physically being maligned. I don’t think there’s a lot of ways you can look at “co**-juggling thunder****” but that’s when Conrad jumps in, demanding that João respect a woman. I would argue that Brooke was the one who needed defending her, as she was passed out and being made the butt of several jokes.

Colin braces João in the cab, why’s he gotta keep doing that?? Why make a fight every single time?

How do these people function the next day?? Ah youth.

Hannah is up and raring to go, filling Brooke in on everything she missed the night before. I’m glad she understands that João was looking out for her, at least, whether or not he did it to provoke Hannah or not.

*eyyyyyeee rollllll*

Hannah pulls João aside to find out what his problem is; next is a re-hash of how much they hate each other.

I really do not like Conrad and I’m sure he’s fine but the hardest of passes. It’s not that he’s weaksauce, because you don’t have to pound your chest to be a strong person, it’s that he comes in on the fourth beat, the downbeat, and then loudly declares that his morals do not allow him to stay silent.

Pre-Charter Meeting in the bridge! The next set of guests include Primaries John and Cindy Barker and other couple Damita Ortega-Bishop and Christian Bishop. We will also have Alison Karoleski and Amanda Dewysocky. They consider themselves foodies, want to jump off the boat and needs some Swedish massaging.

Provisions are heyah! Kasey eats breakfast and asks João who he wants to pursue things with: her or Brooke? He pleads hangover, which he totally just said he doesn’t have.

Hannah and Conrad are having a first date tonight, after all that bunk snuggling and she’s thinking about her past. All of the male role models in her life left between 4 and 7, awww she was so freaking adorable! Well, I mean, she’s still beautiful, but I think drinking just might be an issue and WHERE WERE WE?

Ah yes, sorry, she throws up a wall when she gets close to people but she’s not a “commitment phobic b*tch” or anything!

They looks lovely, walking off the boat where we all find out that Conrad has less than zero ass. He’s not worried about their age gap, he usually dates older women, he likes cougars!

Literal fireworks walk us back to the ship, where Conrad climbs in with Hannah again as Brooke wishes them both a good night. This is why there’s not a problem with the age gap, Hannah’s still in that stage where she’ll play Everything But while a friend is 13 inches away.

Adam calls the interior crew in for a talk, he wants them to explain to the guests that what they get it what is on the menu, he needs the crew to have his back and if the guests don’t like it they can talk to him.

Excuse me, what?

These guests are paying 6 figures for 48 hours on a floating ho-palace, if they want French fries at 3 am, you give them bloody French fries at 3 am.

At least Adam’s figured out that he should be making a fruit plate in advance of guest arrival and Hannah’s placing gumballs all over the boat as per guest requests, so I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

Guests have arrived!

No snap judgements like last time, but Primary John Barker looks like what would happen if Matthew Modine decided to spruce up his face via a surgeon’s knife.

Boat tour! as the deck hands struggle with luggage. So DA.

The women are all beautiful, one is super young and busty, so Below Deck history tells me she’ll be with the oldest and least attractive dude. Why is that again?

I love the mirror dress on one, hit me up, green-dress! Florals, bright colour AND a broken mirror on your dress? Yes peez!

The guests chill out on the deck and sunbathe, one asking Brooke for gumballs. Young and Busty chimes is: they better not all be white!

*we saw Hannah pour the gumballs out of small boxes: all white*

Kasey does laundry while Jamie dances by herself in the kitchen, Brooke drops off the gumballs to be told that she hates the white ones. We check the preference sheet: gumballs specified but no colour mentioned.

Who over the age of 5 likes gumballs? All they do is make your jaw sore and they’re too sweet! I guess it could help toughen up a jaw. Hannah waxes nostalgic about past weird request, editing gives us a shot of Young and Busty’s bum when Hannah says “hookers” slow clap, producers.

Hannah searches the boat and finds one bag of coloured gumballs, they LOVE it!

Jamie and Colin work on dropping the anchor while João and Conrad set up the slide and Brooke sets the table with white gloves on.

The guests love the food, they’re happy with meeting Adam and getting a good selection: this life does not suck.

Hannah’s barking up the wrong tree in the galley, calling João “crazy-eyes” to Brooke, who does not feel the same way about her almost-boyfriend. Of course, Brooke has slept through most of Hannah and J-Woww’s fights, so.

Colin has my tan!

You should see my feet! I have TWO foot tans!

Jamie attacks Colin in the crew mess, he has a picture of Brooke and him on his iPad which leads to much teasing.

The guests sit in the hot tub talking about how hawt the crew is when Hannah comes up with beers and a request to talk about the menu for supper. She doesn’t ask WHEN, however, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.

Captain Sandy is irritated when she notices that Conrad and Hannah are taking their breaks together, if they’re going to date they need to think about things logistically. I don’t like to second guess Captain Sandy because she’s AWESOME, but it’s not as though these guys are in the same department. Plus they schedule the breaks, why wouldn’t they schedule them together?

It’s 9:00 and the guests aren’t down for supper yet, Adam’s relaxed about it because Hannah is communicating well.

All the guests are ready but one, so everyone else moves to the table and Hannah gives Adam the 10 minute heads up. But. The guests don’t want food in ten minutes, they want it NOW. One of the guests even comes down to the galley, “is it coming?”

Yikes.

He stands there and watches them plate while Adam swears. Awkward…and we’re oot! Until next time!