Below Deck Mediterranean S3:E13 We Used to be Friends Recap

This is it! The final episode of Below Deck Mediterranean of season three, any odds on who'll return next year? We have a couple of strong personalities knocking heads and repeat guests...Rolling S3:E13 after the break!

So! We're back in the bathroom with chief stew Hannah Ferrier tattling on lead deckhand João Franco to second stew Brooke Laughton. João had been messing around with third stew Kasey Cohen in the crew mess, snapping a dickie on her phone.

DID THAT SENTENCE EVEN MAKE SENSE?

Brooke looks worried, as she should be, given that João is flirting pretty heavily and is getting a not-chilly reception. On the other hand, we could say they aren't in a committed relationship and have been making out for approximately eleven seconds, so who cares?

A few awkward moments in the crew mess and we're out for dinner! It starts off rocky, Brooke borrowed some earrings from Hannah (neither an earring lender or borrower be) and one almost falls off a cliff. Picture Kim Kardashian and some diamond earrings? But less diamonds and more Hannah freaking out. João helpfully chimes in with "talk about materialistic" and the fight is on and we've not even had one drinkie yet! COME ON!

This leads to a story about his childhood (WHICH SOUNDS HORRIFIC ALL AROUND) where he was kidnapped for ransom for a tractor. And this is why he thinks Hannah's being materialistic.

Everyone regroups and orders dinner (que es "zucchini flower?) then Hannah's toyboy bosun Conrad Empson chats with João about their plans after the season. Hannah has already decided she and Conrad are going to Prague, but he's talking to João about Vietnam.

By the way Conrad and João hate each other so Hannah is extry pissed that her fella is chatting amicably with her arch nemesis who just called her materialistic.

An extremely quiet dinner later (where we got to see everything BUT the zucchini flower), João pops away from the table for a minute so Hannah unloads some invective on Brooke. Sigh.

Chef Adam Glick is just enjoying the entertainment!

Everyone but João and Brooke leave for the boat so our lovebirds get a chance to catch up on the dramz. It's safe to say that João is shocked by Hannah's assessment of his interactions with Kasey as flirting, he says he would have done that exact same thing in front of Brooke so he's not understanding why everyone lets Hannah get away with stuff.

They head back separately as the crew chills on the boat. It takes about 30 seconds for Hannah to start yelling at Conrad over being nice to João after the "materialistic" comment, he defends himself correctly: that was NOT his fight and he has to work with the guy.

Conrad's all done with this juvenile BS, he's off to bed.

Conrad stops for a smoke on the other side of the boat, which João makes much of for the crew watching on camera. Adam stops by Conrad's bunk to explain his path in life: he's a nipper of buds. Hannah is materialistic, she just doesn't necessarily need to hear her nemesis call her that.

Hanmah makes it back to her bunk to bitch at Brooke for the same thing, does Hannah not know she's materialistic? Because she drops labels or prices every other sentence.

It's quiet and awkward the next morning, Captain Sandy Yawn appreciates that Hannah is making an effort to be pleasant. Sometimes people just need to get back on track! Brooke didn't make João tea but Kasey did, dun dun DUN.

Pre-Charter guest meeting at the bridge! Daniel Pendley and Melinda Messick are the Primaries for this next charter, both are motivational speakers.

*I've never been a big self-helper but I had respect for a few of the peeps until I saw Tony Robbins be wrong in every respect possible about #MeToo

Daniel's cousin Josh Pendley will be aboard too, along with Lucy Park and Amanda Williams, who doesn't have dietary restrictions as much as she must have an affinity for warmed cardboard. She can't eat ANYTHING.

Also with us are Clemente and Jenifer De La Torre, the gang will be doing a Sharing Circle and would like the crew to join.

Unfortunate weather means Hannah will be working overtime trying to keep the guests occupied, I sure hope Conrad gets the tender oot this time!

Hannah and Conrad hug it out and agree to work things through while everyone else actually works. Deckhand Jamie Jason has to wash the exterior windows in the wind and has to wear a harness.

Guests are heyah!

There are many things one could say about Daniel Pendley, I shall choose to focus on his deep voice. He has a great voice! Which he uses to say "God is love" over and over.

Instead of Hannah chatting with the guests, it's João out there taking to Jenifer de la Torre, Hannah and Conrad are MAD.

More helpful slogans from Daniel, does he not speak in full sentences? Time for a trip! How about a trip to an amazing fortress?

Adam cooks, Colin preps for service on the tender but everyone wants Bloody Marys and there is no vodka. Hannah or a stew really should have gone, but Hannah almost got fired the last time so she wasn't sticking her neck out.

This is excruciating, listening to the guests asking over and over for Bloody Marys and Hannah insisting that the vodka is in the cooler. Especially since we keep getting editing shots of two bottles of Grey Goose sitting on the counter in the galley. Sloooowww trainwreck asea. I can actually hear the tip reducing itself.

One of the guests comes to the galley to explain to Adam exactly how she wants her fish cooked, this is Lucy Park! She is very attractive and not wearing a whole lot, he welcomes the visit and manages to be polite.

Brooke questions Hannah about not working the first charter lunch, as chief stew she would absolutely want to be on the front line for the first meal. Hannah claims that she worked so hard the first half of the charter season that she's making sure she rests now. Uh huh.

Hannah decides to stick around to help Brooke serve lunch, but her resentment is written all over her face. The guest LOVE their lunch, Adam comes out for the bows while the second and third stews shittalk about Hannah not doing enough.

João gets dragged over to visit with one of the guests, Conrad watches and stews over João taking time to sit down for the talk.

Primary Daniel is taking a break from lunch and affirmations to slide into his teeny banana hanger and hit the hot tub. I'm not getting any swinger vibes from this group, but the day is young.

Conrad pulls João aside to complain about his sitting, João immediately goes to see Captain Sandy about it. Captain Sandy loves João and his work ethic, she has his back all the way.

Brooke and Conrad chat about their respective partners fighting with them in the middle, Hannah interrupts and they scatter like rats under the light.

Captain Sandy makes the decision to wait until the morning to move, the guests are disappointed but have alls the trust in Captain Sandy. The pressure is back on Adam!

Everyone works hard to serve supper and clean the cabins, the guests LOVE the food. Hannah eats in the galley while Brooke clears and cleans and washes dishes.

João comes in to help Brooke clean up while Hannah slacks and Conrad sleeps. This continues into the night, Brooke pulls Hannah aside at 12:30 am to explain that she feels Hannah is taking advantage of her. Hannah tells her them's the breaks, basically, suck it up sweetheart, etc etc but Brooke is MAD and this is going to take until next week to find out. Which means I totally lied up there, this is NOT the last episode of the season and apparently I cannot count.

Until next time! Which might actually be the last time this season! Who knows? Cheers, m8te

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