Below Deck Mediterranean S4:E03 Cannes You Cook? Recap

Hi everyone, who's enjoying this season of Below Deck Mediterranean so far? Me too! Except there's a certain new crew member that I could stand to drop, how about you? Let's see how the sea rolls today!

So. We're in the French Riviera with our crew and one screamingly homophobic chef. Chef Mila Kolomeitseva and her "Ooh I don't want my kid to see two men kissing" and "how do two men even have sex?" can fuck right the fuck off. It's JUNE. It's Pride Month AND it's 2019 so if you don't understand even the basic wrongness of assuming you can dictate what other people do in bed, you can fuck off twice. ALSO. Rumour has it that gay people actually sometimes have relationships, not just the dirty, dirty sex you apparently can't stop thinking about, so why would you think you getta say in who people love? Love is love is love and you, Chef, once again: can fuck right fucking the hell off.

*I've been listening to the Extraordinary Stories Podcast and he swears a lot in this absolutely awesome Scottish accent, I think I've picked it up from there. We'll see if I start using the c-word on the reg.

It's not just me that is feeling all sweary (but not Sweary, sigh, I enjoyed the second series of Fleabag SO.MUCH), deckhand Travis Michalzik lost it in the cab on the way to dinner, I don't know how this supper is going to be anything other than awful.

Chef Mila's food has also been third rate, Captain Sandy Yawn is keeping a close watch already and we're only one charter into the season.

The crew heads to Helios for dinner, deckhand Jack Stirrup just wants everything to be chill, okay?

*Cuppa break because I'm going to start screaming again and there's just no point.

Supper starts and super young Bosun João Franco contemplates getting knee walking drunk and letting out his blackout alter ego Jezebob. He's the boss now, he thinks it might compromise his position although apparently it can also lead to an inexplicable promotion!

Second stewardess Aesha Scott chats him up and gives him her background while Chef Mila defends her homophobia as being based on her gay hairdresser not wanting to hold his boyfriend's hand on the street. Let's break down the possible reasons for that:

  1. He doesn't want other men to know he is taken
  3. He doesn't want Chef Mila to feel uncomfortable
  4. He doesn't believe in public displays of affection
  5. Once again: CONCENTRATION.CAMP. Or just plain torture/murder
  6. He has hand warts

Chef Mila fills in third stewardess Anastasia Surmava on the fight, in Russian, Anastasia makes encouraging noises until Aesha lets her know what went down for real.

Anastasia - has she been on a reality show before? Coz she knows exactly what to do, she runs straight to chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier, who's washing her hands in the loo. She's SHOCKED! SHOCKED.

Hannah is an old hand at this game and immediately gathers up Travis for a solo smoke/chat on the beach. João can't figure out why the vibe is wack. He gets more confused as Hannah makes a big showy move to the other side of the table. Travis, now deckhand Colin Macy O'Toole and Aesha and Hannah talk about it openly, but

*Now I feel bad for my rant above. It's not actually at Mila either. I'll have to ponder whether I'll take it out or not. YOU'LL NEVER KNOW IF I DO

Hannah has upped the stakes to being all about her, she needs to stay away from Mila because she doesn't want to "backhand her and lose her job." Mila approaches Hannah at the bar, to be completely rebuffed. The rest of the crew is super athletic, huh?

Colin feels a little bit out of his depth.

Mila tries to hug and apologize to Travis, who doesn't want her to touch him. Ever. Hannah puts João in the know, oh goodness. Ah.

João's mum's best friend was gay, he sounded like a ray of sunshine, but homosexuality is illegal in Zimbabwe and Aunty Shackles committed suicide. João and I cry.

João is at least willing to give Mila the benefit of the doubt given her cultural background, but Hannah is gunning for the chef's job. There are definitely work-related issues, given Chef Mila's subpar food. Mila's had enough of being talked about and sits down at the same table as Hannah and João. Hannah continues, undeterred.

There are only 10 hours until charter, most of the crew wants to eat/jacuzzi, especially Jack, who calls Mila "Sexy Hitler."

João cleans up the galley after everyone crashes out, awww.

2 hours to charter! João has to wake up his very hungover deckhands Jack and Travis. Mila tries again to apologize for her opinion to Travis, but he thinks it hurts humanity, so he's not taking it, fanks.

*I do try very hard to understand why someone would think their opinion about what someone else does with their own life/body is more important than the person themselves, but I cannot. People actively discriminate against persons that are LBGTQIA+, they are at much higher risk for suicide, depression and violent attacks than heterosexual people so I'm afraid "it's my opinion!" when you're denying a basic part of someone's humanity: doesn't make an equally valid stance to me.

Hannah, Mila and João are called the bridge for a pre-charter preference sheet meeting with Captain Sandy, looks like the Captain's friend Dr. Jennifer Berman will be joining us again!

You remember Dr. Berman! She does vag rejuvenation and rubbed a creepy sex toy all over Captain Sandy last time. She also didn't get very good service, I'm not hopeful this time is going to be any better. I can't really see who else is coming, boooooo.

Captain Sandy is still not convinced that Chef Mila knows what she's doing, so she asks João and Hannah to provide assistance as required.

*Last time Hannah refused to serve the grossest plate of nachos EVER and third stew Anastasia had to bake a cake.

The stews bond in the guest bathrooms while Mila sets up her galley and the crew works on making sure the water toys are packed nicely. Colin whacks his head on something and bangs his arm on something else. He's fine!

Aesha grosses everyone out in the galley with her pooh story, Jack loves that she's purposely embarrassing herself and just doesn't care. That's such a good quality!

The deck crew work on assembling a water bike (water bike?) while Hannah lays down the law for her interior gang. Focus on service! I think they're going to do great! Too bad the food is going to suck.

Guests are heyah! Alls the pretty people.

Boat Tour!! Wooooo

The Below Deck Med crew work like dogs while the guests swan about and take picture of the view through a champagne glass, I just love that juxtaposition every.single.time.

Captain Sandy (her friends thinks she looks so cuuuute driving the boat) prepares to drop anchor while Chef Mila cooks. Well, she does cook, but she also opens up a couple of cans of crab meat and squirts mayonnaise all over it.

The water bike looks cool!

The crab salad is gross, of course.

Nobody wants to eat it, or the slimy shrimp. Captain Sandy appears at the table for the 411, she's not happy. "I wouldn't eat that if you paid me."

Captain Sandy makes Chef Mila taste the food she was just about to serve to the guests, the crab and shrimp are baaaad. Even the mussels are grosser than usual (did not know that was possible but here we are), she directs her to make a grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken.

THEN she calls third stew Anastasia up to the galley so there's at least one cook in there.

The deck crew sets up the water toy and Jack dreams of taking off on a jetski with a glass of champagne then getting spanked by Captain Sandy. Travis looks entertained by his dimwitted little deckfriend with the great hair.

Travis has his eye on Hannah, those "old women can teach you some stuff". Erm. How old is dadbod again? I quite like Travis, but old women? She's 30!

Chef Mila has carefully prepared a dessert that nobody wants, the guests are already in bikinis on jetskis. Hannah and Captain Sandy decide to keep Anastasia in the galley, until Captain Sandy can "have a talk."

Colin's finding it a little harder to bond with this crew, maybe because there are many fewer Americans? He's feeling a bit lost and a tiny bit lonely.

Hannah doesn't mince words with Chef Mila, surprisingly.

She usually saves that kind of honesty for club bathrooms!

Look at where they ARE!

Anastasia tries and tries to get Chef Mila on board for meal planning, but the chef is dazed and confused. She suggests maybe beef and asparagus? Anastasia feels sympathy but mostly frustration. She calls her mom for some inspiration, awww.

Captain Sandy tells Chef Mila that it's not personal, but rather that the quality of food is not there. Chef Mila heads to the bathroom to cry while the guests party in the hot tub.

Anastasia gets a coat!

Jack's the anti-Anastasia, the lazy bastage.

Dr. Berman has party favours on the table for everyone, Hannah is grossed right out. Oh please, these $400 sex toys aren't going to sell themselves! Plus, everyone here is an adult, so we don't need any sex-toy-shaming today, please and fanks. Maybe just don't....demonstrate again, Dr. Berman.

Anastasia's citrus carpaccio salad is served, she watches the table via CCTV from the galley like a hawk. She needs validation! Don't we all, Pumpkin? Don't we all.

They love it! Of course. João heads down to the cabins to help Aesha, everything is going so well!

Our drunkie guest is screaming about her husband's lack of masturbation when the main course is served, now I can't look at the potato puree.

Anastasia warned Chef Mila about overcooking the steaks, guess who got mad and served dry, underseasoned filet anyway? We're out! Until next time!