Hi! I’m early (for me) for Below Deck Mediterranean! Isn’t that exciting?? Okay, maybe just to me, but this is supposed to be a gooder! Now we find out if we’re getting a new chef! Rolling S4:E05 of Below Deck Med after the break!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? The episode is called 99 PROBLEMS AND A CHEF AIN’T ONE?? I literally tweeted that exact thing about the LAST episode because it’s new on my running song rotation and did I see that? Did I? I must have! AM I PSYCHIC?? This is like Bemily all over again! They don’t usually post the next episode title, but they have for next week, AM I LOSING THE PLOT??

ANYway

Look: cooking on TV surrounded by people you don’t know must be a stressful situation and I’m sure Chef Mila is doing her best. It’s just not translating into edible or exciting food and the guests expect and frankly deserve better. Even more than a third stew serving up spaghetti and meatballs, amirite?

Someone has Chef Ben Robinson’s number, right? Hannah?

We left on a bit of a cliffhanger, with Captain Sandy Yawn on the bridge deciding the fate of Chef Mila Kolomeitseva, who has two bad charters under her belt. Will she stay or will she go?

Captain Sandy starts by complimenting Mila’s attitude because she’s a good leader, Mila takes this as an opportunity to start selling herself as fast as she can. She offers plated meals planned well in advance, will Captain Sandy bite?

The interior crew is downstairs asking the same question, chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier thinks they’ve had to work too hard to make up for Mila’s stumbles and she wants her third stew Anastasia Surmava back, damnit! Second stew Aesha Scott is also working double time.

The deck crew gossips about it outside too, bosun João Franco and deckhand Colin Macy O’Toole wonder what’s going to happen. It’s difficult to get a new (good) chef mid-charter season and there’s an added complication in that they also have to be cleared for filming, so they’re not exactly growing on trees.

Mila is fired.

An awkward standoff later, Mila packs her things and goes without a word to anyone else.

Captain Sandy has 21 hours to find someone to cook for the third charter, I’m not a manager any more but that might have been some good research to do say, last night. She calls Anastasia up to the bridge to offer her the role.

Anastasia wants to stay on Hannah’s team but will step up as required and guuuurl. Get that extra money! You’re gonna do the job anyway! But she’s right, being the Chef is a very hard job and it’s not just the food, it’s the meal planning and trying to blow everyone’s mind. This gives Captain Sandy some breathing room to find a replacement.

Captain Sandy fills in the rest of the crew; crickets.

AND there’s another helper in our midst; lead deckhand Travis Michalzik has crew chef experience so he’ll be in the galley as well. Just one charter! Easy peasy, right? Aesha offers to help Mila pack, she’s going to miss her!

Um. Really?

Anastasia says goodbye too, there’s a suspicious silence from everyone else except Hannah, who’s wondering if there’s a Taco Bell somewhere nearby looking for a linecook.

Deckhand Jack Stirrup helps Aesha make beds while he talks about never having a birthday party which leads to Aesha talking about her brother dying at 25. By that I mean she literally acts out his dying words.

Time for a night out in the town! Anastasia won’t be drinking, instead she plans to spend the night worrying about this upcoming charter and how unprepared she is. I feel like Anastasia and I have more in common than I thought.

The crew is partying in Antibes, a lovely supper filled with great food that Aesha slowly stuffs into her mouth as creepily as possible. I’m sorry, it’s not possible to eat a quesadilla in a sexy way, Aesha, maybe try fush und chups. Colin and I are grossed out.

Hannah can’t believe her luck with her interior crew, Aesha and Anastasia are both great workers and Aesha in particular is super bendy while laying on bar chairs. So there’s that.

Anastasia heads back to the boat early to call her boyfriend Evan, she’s freaking out. This is a lot of pressure. Not feeling any pressure at all, or their faces, are Jack and Aesha, doing shots and rubbing themselves all over themselves. Then the next morning they won’t even remember! Good thing there are several cameras!

Jack is half in love, as deliberately gross as Aesha can be. He would eat his breakfast out of WHERE?

Brilliant editing this season! Who can forget Mila and Travis’s big fight?

Aesha crawls back into her room to puke and Jack climbs his naked arse up into his bunk, inspiring Travis to display his mangina.

The next morning, Hannah sleeps in while Anastasia sets up in the kitchen. Basically she was hired to do laundry and now she’s developing a Cordon Bleu menu for Richie Rich and his dad. She stressed.

Jack reminds Aesha of their little kiss on the dancefloor, I’m pretty sure her face fell onto yours thinking it was a shot glass and you’re just lucky she didn’t think it was the toilet coz gurl was schwasted.

Woooo Preference Sheet Meeting! This is legit my second favourite time of the charter aside from Tip Time. Who’s our next charter??

It’s a Funsch Bunch! Daniel and Sheree Funsch, to be specific, and they used to own their own charter yacht. Shite. Those ones are never fun. Sch. Their son Daniel is tagging along, as is daughter and recording artist Ashley Brinton who will be filming her music video.

*Eyeeeessss rollllling*

Captain Sandy checks in with Anastasia because she’s a great boss, she’s keeping any reservations to herself because she knows showing any doubt would be paralysing for our apprentice chef.

Provisions are heyah! Travis and Jack work on deck and talk about sex while Colin complains to João that all they do is talk about sex. Ah Colin. You’re so repressed. One day…João suggests an intervention – “no more dick talk!”

Ah Colin.

Guests are coming, everyone needs to dress and Anastasia is about to throw up.

Hannah takes everyone on a boat tour (third favourite part!!) while the deck crew works their butts off getting ready to de-dock. Travis and Anastasia are already hard at it in the galley, João tries to work the lines mostly by himself with Colin. Captain Sandy is watching his management style closely. Will he try to do it all?

Primary Daniel and Sheree coo about the view and have drinks, they want food right away. Travis does the crew meal while Anastasia carefully cuts raw sweet potato into tiny little squares. Travis peeled those with a spoon, like ginger!

Video shoot time!

It sounds…exactly like everything else out there, doesn’t it? I left the sound in!

Captain Sandy orders the boat anchored and we’re here for fun! Woooo! Anastasia made Mexican food she’s made before for lunch, I hope it’s better than whatever the Sam Hill that was Mila served. It IS way better, will it be good enough? They love it! I do like that she came out to introduce the food herself.

Travis heads back out on deck to help get the toys ready for the guests, Captain Sandy calls al her contacts trying to find a chef. WAIT. Did she call Bruno Duarte from another season of Below Deck?? He was a deckhand, technically, but is a chef!

More music videographing on the water trampoline; did Ashley Brinton’s dad just tell her to show some skin??? Or was that to the deckhands who just jumped on? Colin’s feeling a little better, he majored in music in college.

He does sing a GREAT showtune,

Travis heads in for a break while Captain Sandy alerts the crew that she’ll be moving the yacht. It’s got swells everywhere and she’s heading to a calmer area. Only the slide has to be brought in, everything else can be towed.

There’s a thingy called a davit that is supposed to help, but since they’re rolling already, it’s unsafe to use. Travis is called up out of his break to help Colin and Jack pull the slide in, it is like Captain Clueless Brigade over there. Travis…lifts one side and all is well. Really?

The guests pull Aesha aside for some manufactured dramz, is she into any of the guys aship? “I’m an independent woman!” she says in that New Zealand accent.

She tells us she’s really picky with guys but we’d probably be more willing to believe it if we hadn’t just watched her put her arse up on the bar with Jack supporting her legs with his shoulders last night.

I think Travis is flirting with Hannah? I guess they’re both Aussies, maybe there’s a kinship? Plus

Captain Sandy guides the ship over to the Golfe de la Napoule where the waters are much calmer. Primary Daniel staggers into the galley to sing “That’s Amore” super badly before requesting gnocchi over and over. Aesha leads him away with the promise of wine, Anastasia’s gonna do anything she can to make these people happy.

I don’t know if that’s gonna work for Primary Sheree, she’s tipsy too and on Phase Three: belligerent and on the verge of tears contemplating how much attention everyone else gets compared to her.

Anastasia learned a bunch of stuff from her chef ex-boyfriend, he worked at a Michelin –starred restaurant and taught her about fish and meat. She’s starting with an asparagus risotto and since previews show that being a problem, I’m worried.

The guests dress for dinner, Primary Daniel is even deeper in his cups, and I don’t know how much longer mobility is going to be possibly for disguy.

Then he trips and I promise to only use this power for good, not evil.

First course is up! Captain Sandy comes to the galley for a taste, why?? Has she heard good things or bad things?? The guests love it, so does she!

Primary Daniel’s not done having funsch, he wants to set Hannah up with his son, the doctor. Hannah interviews about being tired and short staffed and not wanting to “f*** his son” but is that traditionally what happens at Thanksgiving dinner?

*I’m not saying no, I just need to know what kind of ginch to bring.

Hannah escapes below deck while the guests laugh and Aesha turns down the cabins.

Captain Sandy loves hearing all the moans from the dinner table, Anastasia knocked it out of the park. Or whatever this guy says.

Travis heads to bed, the guests go to the hot tub and Aesha charms Jack further by reciting Shakespeare.

It would be really fun to joke around with Jack(‘s much older brother) but he seems like the type who would be excited by a friendly-looking leaf base, you know?

Everyone is cozy in bed by 1:00 am, save Jack on anchor watch. Something’s popped up, he wakes up Captain Sandy who calls for J-Wwoww. Captain Sandy decides to move the boat in the middle of the night with him and Jack in the pitch black night. Colin’s up now, he’s dropping the anchor solo under Captain Sandy’s direction for the very first time.

He does a great job!

It’s 7 am and everyone’s up except for the guests; the toys are out and food is being prepared. Anastasia trashtalks Mila, that’s just ASKING for a shitty service, lady!

Captain Sandy calls João to the bridge, everything looks great and everything is set up…so they’re gonna move. The water has calmed and they don’t want to sit around and look at other super yachts full of hungover rich dudes.

Joao and team do not understand.

Primary Funsch is not done with partying; Aesha pityingly offers him water to have it rebuffed for a screwdriver while his family looks on in dismay.

The deck crew sullenly packs up sea toys, muttering under their breath while Aesha serves breakfast and Hannah tidies cabins. Everyone’s working their nads off, I hope it stays safe!

Pulling up anchor is going great, too bad there’s a fire in the kitchen to throw everything off. Okay, it’s just the toaster, Anastasia covers the smoke alarm (she already knows it’s a piece of shite?) while Colin runs into trouble with the anchor, which is covered in seaweed. It’s a huge mess, Captain Sandy is coming down to help.

We’re oot!