Okay, I have to ram this through in time so I’m all caught up before the new episode of Below Deck Mediterranean drops this evening, who’s with me! I have all my appendages crossed that we will see the person I’ve been waiting for forEVER, c’mon sexychef, get in my galley! Let’s see if 11th time is the charm after the break as we roll Below Deck Med S4:E11 Monte Car-Loco.

So we’re back on the Sirocco with legendary baseball player Johnny Damon and his wife Michelle as our Primaries, it’s…not going so well. They’re not as understanding about the kind of basic food as our previous charter was, Captain Sandy Yawn is getting an earful.

In the Captain’s defense, the last charter really did LOVE chef and former third stew Anastasia Surmava’s food and she was justified in her decision to promote from within. Now that we understand that Anastasia isn’t quite ready for the big time, we can get my favourite galleymonkey Chef Ben Robinson back right.fucking.now. Thanks!

We open in Port Camille Rayon on our final day of charter and Captain Sandy getting all the feedback. She’s happy to hear the honest opinion of the guests, it just would have been nice if they had told her sooner so she could have fixed it…before the last day of the charter.

A windy goodbye at port, we’re all just waiting for the tip, right? GEEVE US THE TIP!! Michelle hands over the envelope, saying there’s a little bit extra in there for dealing with Andy.

*We’re all just wondering how much less there is for dealing with Anastasia’s food.

I think…former arch-nemesi bosun João Franco and chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier are flirting? They hated each other last season, but now João is making cow eyes at Hannah and we’re not sure where to look. He is kind of hot, just…young and not suuuuper smart. He does drink slightly less than Hannah’s other flirtbuddy aship, lead deckhand Travis Michalzik.

Tip Meeting!!!! Imma guess $14,000 euros based on nothing at all. Nada. Zip. Zero. And it is….okay, fine, review of stuff. João did a great day coordinating a difficult docking, yay claps all around. Not too good: new third stew June Foster pulling out her earpiece all the time and never answering her damn radio, like ever. Even for the Captain.

There’s no partying tonight, the owner of Sirocco has arranged for a trip to the Monte Carlos spa hotel the following day, so the yachties will have to drink their faces off onboard tonight.

Okay! We finally get the tip and it’s $17,400 Euros so I was waaaay off. That’s $1,580 each wooooo.

Hannah and Anastasia are called to the Bridge, where Anastasia… is not moved back to her old role but rather has lost her prep chef in Travis, who will be working just on deck for now. What? What the actual what?

The crew cleans the boat to prepare for the next charter, I absolutely love that there are little built-in tables around the edges of the hot tub. How did I not notice that before?

Second stewardess Aesha Scott babbles away in a friendly fashion at Anastasia while she’s cleaning, Anastasia doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s being spoken to. Then she speaks, she doesn’t answer because she’s “f**king busy. The job I’m doing requires brainpower, unlike vacuuming.”

Now. She’s not wrong. But Aesha is awesome and you do not need to shit on her for being friendly, you need to get over yourself, honey. Which is exactly what Aesha says in interview immediately after.

It’s so cute watching Aesha snog with deckhand Jack Stirrup, although I do feel kinda creepy.

Everyone starts drinking at 8:50, they make a huge mess and everyone else heads to bed. Hannah stops João to ask what he meant about being jealous that she kissed Travis, it freaked her out. João just asks what difference that would have made? They agree it was just hypothetical so it’s all fun. UH HUH.

*I think I have definitely been watching this show too long; I can tell when Hannah’s flirting because her eyes get that little bit wider and her voice sweetens an octave. It’s really quite remarkable.

Is João into Hannah or not?

Bed time!

I for sure could have done without the shot of deckhand Colin Macy O’Toole taken from the perspective point of his scrotum, fanks.

The crew are off to the Monte Carlo Bay Hotel for a day of play, it’s so beautiful! June is such a dork and I love it.

Everyone changes into swimsuits, Travis is rocking a tiny Speedo but I’m not taking a snap of that. You’re welcome, but thanks for the closeup of his junk, Bravo. Sorry about your genes, Travis.

Anastasia was “blindsided” by the feedback from the charter guests, erm, what? Every meal, things were sent back. How could she not understand that the guests weren’t happy?

Hannah and Travis snog while João pretends he’s totally not interested. Beer pong and snuggling all over the place, Aesha is loaded af. Travis follows right behind and I’d like to pass judgement but I remember myself at company sponsored events where alcohol was free and fast flowing. I’m sorry, every single person I ever worked with. And every partner who had to come get me at 2 in the morning because I’d forgotten my name/address. I was an arsehole, just like Aesha and Travis right now, but they’re still lovely people.

João is disgusted and judgemental as usual, he actually says Aesha looks like a Russian prostitute to her FACE which is better than behind her back, I guess? Travis is passed out already but Colin does look awesome!

Hannah tries to help Travis wake up, she looks out for him as a brother a bit. Travis does have a bit of a drinking problem maybe, but that’s between him and his Jeebus. Then he passes out at the restaurant table while Hannah quietly loses her shite.

He wakes up to give the server a hard time about opening a bottle of wine. Dude! Go back to your room. Sleep this one off. You might even be able to make the rest of the fun, given that it’s only 4 pm. Hannah looks super angry, but I actually get afraid when people are this drunk. They can get MEAN.

Aesha finally confronts João about the eye rolling he’s obviously pointing in her direction, does he not like it when people do things in a way he doesn’t like? (Don’t be mean, João, Aesha is awesome)

João calls it being honest, but really he’s the most judgy arsehole on the crew. He explains to us that it’s because she reminds him of his mother, whom he watched being brutally robbed as a child. (They hit her with an ELEPHANT BONE??) He wants her to do better, that’s all. Erm.

Travis is only 26?????!!!! What????!! He looks 40! His drinking makes more sense now.

Aesha fills Travis in on the verbal altercation back aship, he’s pissssed. In more than one way!

Preference Sheet Meeting Time, wooooo! It used to be called the Pre-Charter Meeting but whatever. We’re flexible. We have new guests coming, yay! Our Primary Charter Guest will be Verne Perigord, the director of an accounting firm. Wayne Daniels, Brandon Hines, Wilbur Rush, George Smallwood and Leland Calloway will also be joining us asea with some others whose names I didn’t catch. I never get to see that many names, wooooo!

Travis is still banging on about how João talked to Aesha, but he’s talking to João’s bestie Colin, which is not a good idea. Colin is straight up about where he falls, so Travis calls João on the radio to discuss directly.

João can’t understand he has to answer to his lead deckhand about the half of the conversation that he got from Aesha. They eventually shake on it.

Pre-Charter meet in the salon in uniforms! Then guest arrival! Hai Verne and friends!

Verne looks younger than his picture, Hannah knows a party walking toward her when she sees one! Boat tour! The crew work fast to de-dock as the guests get their drinkies and Anastasia complains about the cooktop. I guess we have our excuse for this charter!

The guests are very happy to see her, they hongray! Lamb burgers with truffle fries?

One of the more boisterous guests braces June in the salon; why is she wearing red when everyone else is wearing white?? WHY, JUNE??? And how does he know her name if they haven’t met her yet? June is not good with fast or unexpected questions.

He looks fun, what’s his name??

Anastasia sends up fresh pasta lobster ravioli, but not everyone loves it. It’s cold, for one, girl cannot get her temperatures right. Captain Sandy listens as Hannah asks over the radio if the pasta is supposed to be cold, it is not. It’s also undercooked. The problem with having Travis out of the galley is that there’s nobody to taste test the meat-y food.

I think Aesha is talking about sex with Jack but I’m not sure that’s what “downstairs orifice blast” means. Either way, she wants them to be friends first.

June continues to not answer her radio. It’s not ON.

The superyacht is anchored and the fun may commence and the sea toys are launched! Lunch first, Anastasia is hoping to win over these guests with her burgers and fries.

The burgers go over fine, but the truffle fries are not ready.

*Sigh*

The guests are now chanting “truffle fries! truffle fries!”

Anastasia brings up the best truffle fries ever, the guests are happy and she can breathe.

A couple of the guests head down to do some jetskiing. João carefully explains how they must stay 500 metres from shore and I’m sure that’s going to be ignored IMMEDIATELY.

Tell me this guest isn’t AWESOME?? Look how happy he is when he sees the slide??!!

UPDATE! This guest found his gif and you can see more of him on Instagram at @TheGEORGEous1 !

Captain Sandy spots the jetskiing guests too close to shore, what are they doing? They *might* not know what 500 metres is, João, they’re American and all. The other person on a boat saying “what the **** are you doing?” is probably more clear.

Captain Sandy sends João after the errant guests, but it’s too late, the police have been called. They do get the guests in and calmed down, they didn’t explain to them that they couldn’t be by the boats and people too. There are even divers about, very dangerous.

This is a pretty well populated area, surely Captain Sandy could have found a more remote area for the guests to splash out in? I’d ask if I were them, who wants to be stuck that close to shore with a bunch of arseholes aboot?

Toys are stored, supper is prepared for and the table is set. The guests dress, they’re having so much fun!

The food is COLD. AGAIN. Honestly. It’s literally 130 feet, how is that possible? The fish is also dry and bland.

I feel very bad for Anastasia, she is trying.

But she doesn’t respond well to criticism. She does ask for supper feedback as she’s delivering dessert, so good on her. Then she makes excuses about solo plating and I take back my props. This is what EVERY chef does, and she just doesn’t have the experience yet. No tea, no shade, Anastasia, you’re just not quite there yet. You’ll get there! Maybe not during this charter, but eventually.

And aside from the fact that key lime pie is not liked by most of the guests, the real problem is that she served a slice with a hair on it.

*Sigh*

This is going to be a very difficult charter for our Anastasia. We’re out, thank goodness. Poor kid. Until next time!