Ahoy mateys! Welcome to the season four finale of Below Deck Mediterranean! Who’s with me in wanting one big makeout sesh erupting above deck? Wait. That sounds creepy. Let’s find out how the YACHTIES want to end their season in the Mediterranean on Below Deck! Rolling S4:E18 Au Revoir, Sirocco! After the break!

See? I’m growing as a person, I didn’t even say “bang it out!” except there and that doesn’t count. Let’s see what happens tonight!

First, we have an overview of the season, which can be described thusly:

• homophobic incompetent chef who messes up NACHOS is fired;
• hai new stew June Foster;
• lazy deckhand Jack Stirrup is lazy;
• deckhand Travis Michalzik drinks;
• Travis drinks more;
• Travis slaps third stew/chef Anastasia Surmava while drinking;
• cold food;
• cold food;
• bai new stew June;
• deckhand Colin Macy O’Toole cries;
• chef Ben Robinson arrives!!;
• second stew Aesha Scott and Jack make it official and bang it out below deck;
• Captain Sandy Yawn mad at tables and Interior;
• bosun João Franco sick;
• Captain Sandy mad at Interior again.

Okay! I could have saved myself many, many hours of recapping if I’d seen this two months ago!

But what fun would that be?

We’re still asea with Primary Charter Guest Randy Madrid and his girlfriend Nicole Doesn’t Get A Last Name, let’s see how we end this Mediterranean season!

Captain Sandy was not happy to wake up and see the table not set by Anastasia, she asks the deck crew to do an all-call on the Interior staff to get things rolling. Chief Stewardess Hannah Ferrier tries to explain her staffing plan, but Captain Sandy thinks this is a case of standards. OR LACK THEREOF, HANNAH.

Captain Sandy points to the deck crew, three of which are milling around having set up every single water toy the superyacht possesses. She tells Hannah to wake up everyone (which would mean…Aesha? That’s all that’s left!) and wanders away while chef Ben nods in agreement.

He definitely thinks the Interior gang spends too much time hugging and sleeping and not nearly enough time working so Hannah’s not going to be able to properly vent in his direction.

Captain Sandy calls João up to compliment him on being prepared for guests, he says other boats he’s been on have consistently had the table set by 6 am. So this 9am not done – half-assed setup that’s driving Captain Sandy mad is understood by João. She wants to move him up the chain and offers to introduce him to some boat owners she knows. Awww she’s a great captain!

The table is alllllmost done and the guests are still not awake, so the deck crew packs away the toys. So did it make sense? Did it? Captain Sandy is finally happy someone understands where she’s coming from re: setting the table immediately upon awakening. She gives kudos to the deck crew for their work as Ben preps for breakfast.

Jack asks João the question that’s been on his mind: how did João ever put up with his lazy arse the whole season? He was SO LAZY. So.LAZY. But once he realised he wanted to stick around and see where things went with Aesha, he picked up and João stopped grinding his teeth every time he saw him smoking in a corner on shift.

Cc: chef Adam Glick from season two and three.

The guests love the table setting, but Captain Sandy is more interested in crowing over her dominance of her former nemesis: the Sirocco anchors.

Hannah stages a radio call with Anastasia to talk about how much the guests loved the table setting, Captain Sandy is on the phone anyway and doesn’t hear all the second-hand gushing. Seems to be a boat on fire in port so it’s closed and they have guests to get rid of!

Charter Guest Dan makes his way above deck to be greeted by his former flirtpal Hannah, she thinks he’s feeling remorse. I think he’s probably feeling like throwing up, he was pretty drunk the night before when he was flirting very slowly with Hannah. He did mention that he was dating.

I swear to GOD, if Anastasia brings up that stupid table setting one more time…yes, the guests love it but ALSO, Captain Sandy told you to be doing this all along, so.

Eggs Benedict is up! While Ben explains how much he likes Hannah personally but doesn’t think she’s properly professionally motivated.

Ohhhhh.

He wanders above deck to ask the guests what their favourite bite was, Primary Randy has to go with the first supper. That was kind of glorious, course after course of beautiful food. Ben’s been running a catering company, which is nowhere near as grueling as serving the best food to a small number of people.

The guests read the messages Anastasia put in bottles, they appreciate the extra effort.

Time to dock the Sirocco for the last time this season, yay! Captain Sandy has found a berth in Antibes, we’re seconds away from seeing our very last tip of the year!

Captain Sandy docks the superyacht backwards into a tiny slip with João’s help as the guests watch. I can’t even park my minivan forward on a good day, so I am slow clapping the entire time.

Captain Sandy’s in a good mood after that spectacular docking and makes her way downstairs to hug Aesha, she’s gonna miss her and her amazingness! Then she walks by Hannah.

Time for our last guest lineup on the dock, yay!! SHOW US YOUR TIP, RANDY MADRID!! Okay, hugs first, seems apropos.

It looks decently thick? I can’t wait to see!

First we listen to Hannah process not being loved on by Captain Sandy. She thought they were in a good space (which means she wasn’t listening the last few charters?) and Captain Sandy’s displeasure at her service standards has her in tears with Anastasia.

But.

TIP!!

Okay. Slow music and crying first. It’s not anxiety when you feel like shit because you didn’t do a good enough job. It’s discomfort and the only thing that is probably going to help is doing a better job. Which is tricky as the season is over…man I hate lack of closure!

Jack and João discuss the evolution of their friendship, it’s hard to believe that anyone could not like our lad from Liverpool, but João sure tried! Okay, Jack talks as slowly as he works, but he did pick up the pace and they found their groove. Even Colin, who felt like the odd man out in the beginning amongst all the accents.

TIP MEETING!!!!!

Hannah looks like she was recently electrocuted somewhere uncomfortable, even Jack notices.

Captain Sandy talks and talks but she’s waving around the tip envelope so I feel like a cat trying to follow a ball of string. She says some nice stuff about Ben!

*waving tip*

Interior good

*more tip waving*

Okay!! It’s $15,000 USD, which splits up to $1,185/each. I had $17,000 EUR in my head, but sure, that’s fine. They raked in $155,000 USD for the season, $14,320 each. Holy shite. That’s HUGE for just a few weeks, about $78,000,000 Canadian dollars.

Captain Sandy calls Hannah up to the bridge right after, Ben says she’s amazing as Hannah starts her Walk of Doom.

*Remember when Ben got dressed up in his stripes and tattle-taled on Hannah the first time they worked together?

Captain Sandy is serving up a shit sandwich, so she leads with a compliment for Hannah’s guest interactions. She’s amazing with guests, she has a passion for that! Just not…the work behind that. She says yachting is not Hannah’s passion and I gotta call a T for a second.

As a leader, why would you do this? At the end of a the season? There’s nothing to be learned, no room for growth right now. You’re just shitting on someone, AND about something as nebulous as telling THEM what THEIR passion is. What the hell, seriously? Why would you demotivate someone like that right before everyone goes their separate ways? Honestly.

Hannah cries on the dock alone and now I want a smoke.

The crew cuddle, smoke and drink in various parking spaces in the dock, oh to be young again and think that is fun and/or comfortable.

The Interior Crew gave Hannah a bit of time to stop crying then descend to have a drinkie with her. Across the boat, João is interviewing for a job with one of Captain Sandy’s friends, how awesome is that??

*I guess she thought yachting was HIS passion

The cool thing is that João is back in the same port he arrived in from Zimbabwe, with just a backpack, some gold coins and a dream.

*record scratch*

JUST some gold coins? JUST?

It’s time to get out and have some fun wooooooo!! Everyone dresses, Colin calls Travis “a goddamn snack!” and he’s not wrong.

Even Captain Sandy is coming, yay! Hannah has alllllll her bewbs out, Jack checks in to make sure her “mental breakdown” is over as Aesha screams “yeaaaaaahhhhh my P*****S!!!” at her girlgang. That reminds me so much of my very favourite Girls gif ever:

Travis has decided to have a chill last evening, a decent choice given that his sober captain is sitting right there. Hannah’s digging his look and relative sobriety.

Captain Sandy does a nice speech for everyone, Anastasia throws out a cheers for how hot Hannah looks (totally does), then another one for Aesha then food shows up.

Captain Sandy wants to play the same game I do at suppertime with my kids! It’s called What Was Your Favourite Thing? Your Not Favourite Thing? And What Did You Learn Today followed by a side of STOP TEASING YOUR BROTHER.

Except she calls is: what was your greatest moments vs. your hardest moments of the season.

• João blah blah kudos Travis blah.
• Travis – blah blah I miss Jack blah
• Hannah – girls were highlight, lowest: horrible tables
• Ben – lowest: seeing the galley, highest: leaving the galley!
• Aesha – highlights: banging Jack (paraphrasing), lowest: the Interior not getting enough recognition. Ohhhhhhhh burrrrn Captain Sandy, except that Aesha DID get compliments all the time about her work, let’s roll tape!

Oh and then Captain Sandy says she isn’t hungry any more and leaves. What. João is mad and sticks up for Captain Sandy, leading to yet another fight with Aesha.

Supper’s over! It’s a morose bunch that heads back to the yacht, but Captain Sandy is not done trying to fix this. She calls Hannah up on deck to ask if she knows that their relationship is strong, yeah?

More talk about those f***** tables. MORE. Honestly, if you stop talking about those g******* tables, I will do them myself next year, for free.

Anyway, Captain Sandy wants Hannah to know that she respects her, okay? Lots of respect. Hug it out, ladies.

Travis and Jack set up beds on deck, they’re having a slumber party to celebrate their lifelong friendship! Aesha wanders up to say goodnight and Travis braces himself for their bro-eepover to be either invaded or canceled, but off she goes and he relaxes.

Last day of the season, Colin cannot WAIT to see his parents! To be fair: he has the best parents alive. Except mine, COURSE.

First to leave is third stew Anastasia, hugs and kisses for everyone! Next is Colin, he’s so cute and has such a great relationship with João and Captain Sandy.

João gets a text: he got the job!

Lead deckhand Travis is off after Colin, he’s heading back to Australia to chill the eff oot. Cheers, m8te!

Aesha and Jack are off together, I love them together. I heard we’re not getting a reunion and I’m bummed because I want to know if these crazy kids make it! Aesha’s pretty happy with how things went this season.

Hannah and Ben hug it out at the end, he cries and they decide they love each other as Hannah tells us in interview that she’s glad she didn’t have to do the whole season with him. He’s just happy to be off the boat, yay!

Wait, we still have João, my bad. He and Captain Sandy cry as they say goodbye, he’s so grateful to her and she’s so happy to help him and maybe we’re all crying.

Wait. How is he a captain at 12 years old?

Now hugs with Hannah and Captain Sandy, I am so over all this mushiness. Hannah vows to bring her A Game next season.

Finito!

Except we getta see a preview of the next season of Below Deck OG in Thailand!

I am conflicted about the location. But so excited to see Kate Chastain back as Chief Stew yay!! And Captain Lee is in there and approximately four hot meatheads for deckhands and a ten year old chef. It looks fun! Until then, my lovelies, take care and may all your surprises be Jack in the Boxes!