Ahoy there! I’m not going to pretend to be happy with the recent shenanigans on Below Deck Mediterranean in the galley but I’m still looking forward seeing what happens this week below deck! Rolling into my recap of Below Deck Med S5:E11 Cabin Fever after the break!
So. Last time we lost my beloved chef Hindrigo “Kiko” Lorran to a bad Las Vegas dinner. That’s it, I have nothing positive to say about it. He’s an excellent chef who, in my opinion, was not supported as he should have been by his manager, Captain Sandy Yawn. She’s a fantastic leader with a blind spot one mile wide. I bitched about this the last two full recaps so I will leave that there, but I’m also super unimpressed that bosun Malia White has stuck her oar in on the matter and just happens to have a chef boyfriend coming for a visit literally the same day Kiko was officially fired.
Calling BULLSHIT.
Malia and second steward Christine “Bugsy” Drake shittalk Kiko before the galley is even cold, he was smoke and mirrors and messy, huh, Malia? I am going to work very hard at not shouting through this whole recap because she’s just coming off as a complete mercenary arsehole.
Holy shite, we haven’t even had the Tip Meeting from the charter with Sean and Crystal Foote yet! Captain Sandy gathers the troops with champagne, but most people are feeling pretty down at Kiko’s departure or irritated with those that are.
Let’s put Captain Sandy in that second category, she comes out swinging with a reminder that taking guests on charter is a business. Thankfully, these awesome guests didn’t even know there was any trouble at all on their trip and they were SUPER generous, giving $20,0000, which is $1685.00 each.
So. Let’s review. The chef’s job is to keep the guests happy and feed everyone, these guests were ECSTATIC but Captain Sandy decided Kiko wasn’t good enough and fired him anyway.
(No, I’m not letting this go any time soon, thanks.)
The owner of The Wellington has given the crew a day off, yay! Chief steward Hannah Ferrier and third steward Jessica More are still feeling pretty down about Kiko, they’re not as excited.
Second stew Bugsy and deckhand Alex Radcliffe have been flirting since she got there, they’re definitely going to start passing each other notes in study hall annnnyyy second. Somehow banter leads to her waxing his back on deck because that’s a totally normal dating ritual.
*it is not*
Malia calls her boyfriend, Tom the chef. He’s in town and on his way to meet her today but she wants him to stay on the boat with her as Captain Sandy wants to meet him. Captain Sandy has asked for his resume, but Tom’s off work because he’s headed home to see a sick family member.
Bugsy and Jessica make up a romantic bed for Malia and Tom; Bugsy hasn’t actually met Tom but her sister was on a boat with the couple and hooked them up.
Awww, Malia’s boyfriend Tom Cheketts is here, yay! Malia takes him on a boat tour and through an awkward introduction with Alex and his waxer Bugs. Deckhand Pete Hunziker has been watching the waxing, we don’t see him meet Tom or him speak at all. Looks like The Unit is definitely getting The Edit.
Bugsy and Jessica put together a lovenest for our happy couple, which is a very 20s thing to do.
And I’ve figured out who Tom looks like! Drew Lachey! Aka The Other Lachey.
The crew gets fancy and heads for a night out, but Hannah crashes out early. Bugsy is wearing something low cut yet still covered in…seashells? She looks like one of her awesome table settings, but like not on a table. She’s all over Alex, which he loooooves.
The night out looks fun, Jessica and deckhand Robert Westergaard are all over each other and of course so are Tom and Malia. Alex and Bugs…they both get too drunk to make any moves and man, I wouldn’t be in my twenties again for anything.
Rob told Jessica he loved her last time but she didn’t say it back, this time she does.
Dudes, I love love as much as y’all do, but it’s been like a MONTH.
Malia brings Tom to Captain Sandy for his job interview, which is what I literally foretold something like a month ago. She lurrves his resume, can he help her out?
Of course he takes the job.
You know, he seems nice and he’s cute and whatever. He’s mostly there to spend time with Malia.
Captain Sandy calls everyone to the salon to introduce Tom as the new chef then everyone is off to their day off retreat. Everyone but Hannah, who blames her dodgy tummy on a latenight curry and begs off for a few hours.
The Gran Follies looks gorgeeousss.
You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Jessica and Rob are super cuddly on their beach bed, it’s only that she’s wearing half a bikini that makes it tricky for everyone else. There is just bum everywhere! And erm.
Let’s just say that Jessica knows her way around a ducklip.
We get one word from Pete, the first this episode! That word is “haaaaangry” as they head to supper.
We learn a little more about Tom and lookit, fella, you seem lovely and I don’t have anything against you, I’ll try to keep an open mind. He’s worked with Gordon Ramsay and has been classically trained.
*I became obsessed with an internet chef for a very brief while, Matt Broussard or @acooknamedmatt on YouTube, Instagram and Twitter but mostly TikTok, where he is huge. He has enourmous brown eyes, is adorable, experienced and in possession of extremely satisfying knife skills. I think I even ordered some merch? I’m pretty sure I was in a fugue state when I did that. ANYWAY, he’s been after Gordon Ramsay to review his TikTok videos and I have to wonder at GR’s almost complete dominance of the current celebrity chef scene. Can you think of another chef who symbolises cooking excellence and celebrity since Anthony Bourdain left us? I am a big fan of Tom Colicchio but he’s not a household name. Hit me up if you think of someone!
Over dinner, the crew discusses new cabin arrangements without Hannah, who’s still holed up in her bunk. It makes sense to move the couples together, since that’s how they’ll be sleeping anyway. Bugsy is 100% not down to share a cabin with Hannah.
After a quiet night everyone is awake and ready to get this boat turned over! Malia and Bugsy sure have a lot to say about Hannah, hey? Remember when Hannah said to Kiko that she was sleeping with one eye open because she knew Bugsy was after her job?
And Bugsy served those awful nachos to guests too. Efficiency is one thing, thinking about what you’re doing is also important.
Malia approaches Hannah about the cabin moves, she says she’ll talk to Bugsy about it and here’s the thing: neither Hannah or Bugsy want to share with each other. They do not like each other but have created an uneasy truce to work together, there’s no way sharing a cabin wouldn’t set that on fire and throw it in a dumpster.
Malia does not understand.
She spills all to Captain Sandy just as, coincidentally, Hannah goes off radio for ten minutes. Obviously Hannah’s head is not in the game right now, Bugsy is the one pulling uniforms for Tom, etc, but Malia blames the lack of cabin changes on Hannah solely, even though she herself heard Bugsy refuse to entertain the idea the night previous.
Captain Sandy grabs Malia’s radio and calls over it that Tom and Malia will be sharing a cabin, again: this is during the ten minutes Hannah is off-radio. Honestly.
I read that New York Times article on the Below Deck production work and I grudgingly accept that they don’t interfere in storylines at all but for real: really?
It’s time for our pre-charter Preference Sheet meeting, yay! This is one of my very favourite parts and I love trying to read the ridiculous descriptions and catch allllll the guest names. Our upcoming primary charter guests are Isaac and Ashley Martinez, who will be joined by Jacob Martinez and Whitney Martinez. Dad Jared Martinez is in attendance, as is Tatyana Lanter.
Bugsy fills Hannah in on the new sleeping arrangements.
Jessica and Rob are moving in together, which is totally going to be a strain on their brand new relationship. What about pooping time?? Everyone needs solo pooping time.
Late that night after everyone crashes, Captain Sandy receives a text from…? It’s a picture of drugs and Hannah’s passport, so I guess that’s what we saw Malia taking a picture of while Hannah was packing.
It’s quiet the next morning, we know it’s the calm before the storm because those drugs are about to land.
Captain Sandy calls First Mate David to the bridge, Hannah walks in and suddenly we’re in a high level serious meeting where Hannah might get walked off the boat for having drugs on board. That got real in a hurry. We leave it here:
Until next time! Cheers, or, erm not. I 100% believe that Hannah will have prescriptions for everything, maybe Malia could have asked rather than texting a picture to Captain Sandy in the middle of the night? Whatever
