Well. Well well well, we’re still on charter on Below Deck Mediterranean with DatGuy, how is it possible that things just carry on as normal? Let’s find out after the break as I roll into my Below Deck Med S5:E13 Welcome Back recap!

So we lost the longest-standing member of Below Deck Mediterranean last episode when Hannah Ferrier was let go for not following the ship’s drug protocols. This is a thorny issue, as there has been some chatter about whether or not the medications Hannah had on board were prescribed/legal. Hannah herself posted a picture of a package of Valium with her prescription clearly attached to the back; did Captain Sandy Yawn just want a separate piece of paper? I don’t know if I would travel with both, how about you?

Regardless, Captain Sandy was quite clear that all medications have to be logged in with the ship and Hannah’s definitely were not, so Captain Sandy had the choice and discretion as to whether or not to let Hannah go and she exercised that option. I don’t think that was handled properly (and I’m not alone), especially when bosun Malia White went into Hannah’s belongings to take a picture of the medications AND when Captain Sandy kept going on and on about Hannah being a liability at sea because she has anxiety. We’ve known Hannah has had anxiety for more than one season, there’s no reason to treat anyone like a leper for a treatable condition. I don’t even think lepers are fair game, so there.

ANYWAY! Hannah’s gone!! We’re all shocked! But we still have a huge obnoxious charter on board so everyone is dug in a person down and it’s so, so bad. The Primaries are Isaac and Ashley Martinez and seem pretty chill, Jacob, Whitney and Jared Martinez are on ship too, as is Tatyana Lanter. Jared is the dad and he’s…a handful.

We’re not just down a chief steward, we’re also working with a new chef. Tom Cheketts, aka Malia’s Boyfriend, has already thrown a hissy fit about having to make a birthday cake with only a few hours notice. I mean. I get it, but it’s not like it’s not possible. ALSO: rumour has it Tom and Malia unfollowed each other last week on Instagram! That’s as close to a public slapfight as celebrities will give us these days.

Tom’s food has been uneven as well, this is not an auspicious beginning for our classically trained chef who once worked with Gordon Ramsay.

He’s currently losing his shite in the galley with former second and now chief steward Christine ‘Bugsy’ Drake because she threw out the potato garnish he needed for the meal he was remaking.

He seems…stressed.

He flounces into a closet to cry, girlfriend Malia consoling him and asking him how she can help. I’m not mocking Tom, stress is a real thing but he’s going to need to calm down if he’s going to get through a whole charter cooking alllls the food.

He fries the lobster he just poached in butter for two hours as third steward Jessica More beats deckhand Alex Radcliffe with a massive sex toy left out by the guests. It’s easily the size of an adult woman’s forearm and pretty much every person on this boat has had their hands on it. I am trying not to barf just watching.

I don’t understand why/how Malia is now Tom’s sous chef; she’s the bosun and her whole job is Exterior, not Interior. How does she have this much time to be standing around pushing wee potato pouches on a plate?

After all the complaining from the guests, they love the rest of his supper and Jared Martinez even thanks him for the raw lobster.

Lookit this pretty cake Tom did in several hours!

(They still should have put a heads-up on the Preference Sheets)

Tom mutters “circus monkey” all the way upstairs to where the guests are waiting for birthday cake, he’s super temperamental, hey?

Jessica is down in the laundry room as befitting a third steward, she pulls in boyfriend and deckhand Robert Westergaard for help and some smooching. They’ve already dropped the L word and are planning to go to Bali together when the season is done. That’s quite a lot for people who’ve been dating for approximately 7 and a half minutes. Okay, she invited him to Bali and he said “maybe” so that’s a theme tonight.

I’m shocked when Alex and deckhand Pete Hunziker say they can’t believe Hannah is gone but they’re happy. Was I missing a part where Hannah was awful? She’s been slightly checked out this season but happy she’s gone? Why?? Because Alex wants to make out with newly promoted chief stew Bugsy?

The guests head to bed with a “well, my cooter has seen better days” and what does that mean???

The crew follows and before we know it, it’s 6 am and Jessica is setting the table. She gets busted having a little laydown on deck by Primary Isaac, he’d like oj please! Bugsy’s in the crew mess, already trying to pull her new rank on Alex so he’ll get her coffee.

There’s a beach picnic in the plans for today, Tom’s making a bunch of hand-type foods which includes Scotch eggs. I love those!!! I will test them with my face!!

The deckhands argue over who will help Bugsy set up. They can’t all three go, so someone will have to pull rank. Rob gets a little pissy and says the other two can go, they’re still passive aggressively arguing this long after the rest of the crew works things out. Perhaps Malia should be out there giving assignments instead of propping up her boyfriend’s fragile ego in the galley.

Bugsy leads set-up on the beach for the picnic while Jessica literally falls asleep standing up between schlepping champagne and cleaning cabins. How are they going to manage doing this whole huge yacht with just the two of them?

Tom sends shrimp cocktails in glasses with rounded bottoms on a tray because apparently he has zero experience with beach picnics. Malia gets it sorted, the guests are brought over and looooove the food.

Guests Jared and Tatyana sneak a little way down the beach so he can take naked pictures of her without anyone but Bravo’s entire camera crew and all of us watching.

That was only one of the events planned for today. Bugsy has to get ready for the Arabian Nights party this evening. Alex wanders around the deck flirting with her while she gets the table ready, he needs to get his poop in a group and ask her out for real or stop coming at her with this “when should we have our first date?” shite. She can’t tell if he’s joking or not.

The guests tee off the main deck, drink in the hot tub and generally have an excellent time as the crew looks more and more tired. Rob can’t stop bitching as he works with Pete to roll up the slide, they decide it’s too thick and that it needs to be re-rolled. Malia tells them to just throw the white cover on it for camouflage and to stick it in the corner. They decide to unroll it again.

She’s mad enough that she says something, Rob somehow thinks that not listening to his superior is a sign of his perfectionism, not of being stubborn.

Baeya the belly dancer arrives but her costume is nowhere as fancy as Jared’s dress elephant.

You have to admire the confidence, anyway.

Rob confronts Malia in the crew mess in front of Captain Sandy, he didn’t appreciate being called a ‘f****r’ by her on deck while he was defying a direct order, so she tells not to be a f****r, then. Captain Sandy backs her up, of course, there’s a way to suggest something different and then there’s just ignoring your superior right in front of you who was supposed to be eating her supper half an hour before so she can go help serve the guests.

Jared gets up and dances with Baeya because of course he does. DisGuy.

I am so stressed out about the food and I’m not cooking or eating it! The first course is scallops in dashi broth: great. The second is miso-glazed salmon with squid-ink rice crisp and I’m so sad when Bugsy doesn’t mention the squid ink. Nobody uses that then wants it forgotten, someone had to milk a squid for that, Bugsy!

The most vocal guest got chicken instead of salmon, in fact, he got raw chicken and he wants everyone to know about it. “That’s pink like a motherf****r” which is super helpful. Also not helpful: Primary Ashley got the other pink like a motherf****r chicken.

Except it’s not actually raw.

Alex is roped into dancing shirtless with Baeya, the guests looooooove it 100% more than the trained and beautiful belly dancer. We all know these guests are of the “dance, monkey, dance!” variety.

In between the blowjob jokes and the trying to pull someone’s boobs out, this is just a klassy bunch. Okay, they do notice that Bugsy has been working her tiny tail off for them, they know there aren’t very many people on service but it hasn’t suffered at all, so yay for pointing that out.

Rob and Malia make up, she didn’t really think he disrespected her. It was Pete who doesn’t listen, as usual, but we don’t hear what he thinks of any of this because he’s been completely shut down for racism.

Oooh Rob is definitely coming to Bali with Jessica, who doesn’t know yet if he’s going with her. He’s trying to get on the very same flights, awwww.

It’s 1:30 before Bugsy goes to bed, she’s trying to get caught up on laundry and there’s just so much to do. I’m sure she’ll be up close to 6 too.

Captain Sandy can’t believe the state of the laundry room.

She calls Jess in to ask why the two washers and two dryers aren’t going, it needs to be 24 hours a day. Bugsy is up now, Captain Sandy takes her aside to show her the mess. There are no guests awake, there’s no reason someone isn’t in there the whole time. I didn’t see that written on Bugsy’s morning note but I would assume Jessica would know that’s her baby as that’s always the third stew’s baby.

This is not a good charter to be yelling at anyone to work harder, especially in the Interior, but Captain Sandy is adamant so Bugsy says something to Jessica too. Jessica is super tired of being shit on while working an insane amount of hours but tries to stay calm.

Tom is making heuvos rancheros for breakfast, yum!! Bugsy doesn’t know what that is, I wait with bated breath to see what the guests think of “Guevas Racheras” first thing in the morning. Malia helps withdraw the anchor and we’re heading back to dock to dump these guests off, wooo! I shouldn’t say that, Primary Isaac Martinez seems pretty chill. He’s definitely observant.

Oh wait, we’re not only not having Huevos Rancheros, we’re not even having Guevas Rancheras. Bugs introduces them as “Heros Rancheros!” and “Quieras Rancheros” and honestly: they’re more those than huevos rancheros. Tom has sunny side up eggs sitting over salsa with avocado on top.

One last docking and we’re almost to the Tip Meeting, yay! A short speech by Primary Isaac and a thick tip envelope, let’s get this boat turned over! It’s beer and sleeping tonight!

Oh wait, it’s even more complicated! Captain Sandy tells the gang gathered in the salon that their next charter is in Ibiza, they’ll be picking up there so will be heading out at 6 am the following morning. No beer, just sleeping tonight and hey! The tip was $20,500 USD, which is $1,680 each. That’s the biggest one so far! I am distracted, I couldn’t even emotionally invest because I was worried about Jessica when Captain Sandy revealed she was bringing on a new second stew, not third stew.

Earlier this season, Jessica broke her finger in a door and she’s going to town to have the doctor check her healing. Rob takes advantage of her absence to change his flights so he’s with her on the trip to Bali, awwww. He and the deck crew plan a nice little celebration so he can show off his plane ticket to her.

Bugsy, Tom and Malia are called to the crew mess for a Preference Sheet meeting, which has replaced my former favourite meeting: Tip Time because that’s been so anticlimactic lately! I hope it picks up soon, I’m tired of cranky people.

ANYWAY! Who’s coming on this next charter starting in Ibiza?? I’m glad you asked! Oh. It’s baseball player Johnny Damon. He’s been here before with his wife Michelle Damon but according to their Preference Sheets, they’re bringing a new group of friends. Last time they didn’t like the food, but maybe that’s because it was cooked by second steward Anastasia Surmava and not a chef. Trust me: it was much better than what was cooked by the actual chef earlier that season.

The whole crew decides to help Rob with his romantic gesture, Bugsy sets off to find something to make clues when…Jessica walks in. Abort, abort!! Regroup and come back at it tonight!

Bugsy starts off the scavenger hunt for Jessica, then she’s sent to see every member of the crew one by one until she gets to Rob with candles and champagne on deck. It’s very sweet, I wish I liked the people I mostly hate that much!

The crew sneaks up as Rob and Jessica are kissing, yay! They’re all going to Bali! (But not really)

Unfortunately, Jessica’s takeaway from this romantic gesture is that Rob is too good of a liar. I mean, I get it, it’s tough to really relax into a serious relationship with someone you’ve known for a month, there’s definitely going to be some inherent insecurity because you don’t really know someone. And if you’ve had issues in the past with people who are too good at lying…

Jessica seems like one of those people who prefers being in the know to surprises.

Everyone’s up by 6 so they can set sail to Ibiza right away, who’s our new second steward?? Yay! It’s Aesha Scott!! I love her, she was gross and profane and so much fun. I hear her and Jack Stirrup broke up badly, just as well. She was too honest for DatGuy. And with that, we’re out for another week! Cheers.