Look! We’re back on Below Deck Mediterranean already! That’s what happens when I’m super late with the audiocap, it feels like I’m bingeing wooooo! Let’s roll into my Below Deck Med S5:E16 Cool As A Cucumber recap right skippy after the break!

So where were we….oh right. In the bar with third steward Jessica More fighting with deckhand and boyfriend Robert Westergaard about whether or not they’re fighting. Second steward Aesha Scott is completely oblivious to the fact that Jess is throwing a jealous fit about her, no way she won’t step in it.

Jess tells us a little bit about her past and I shall use this opportunity to infer a bunch! She’s the product of divorced parents that did not get along, she always seems to end up in relationships where people cheat on her or take advantage of her. I have been doing some research, did you know that having parents in a high conflict situation can actually lead to brain damage for children? It has been shown to slow or atrophy the developing part of the brain and can teach children’s (and also adults) brains to interpret everything as a threat, or a conflict. It’s really a tragedy, being preventable, but is curable with strong support networks and a lot of work.

Everyone but Jessica, Rob and Aesha are having a great time, Aesha is almost in tears she misses her home so much. Chief steward Christine ‘Bugsy’ Drake and deckhand Alex Radcliffe haven’t stopped making out all night, awwwww.

Everyone is super drunk, so walking back in heels across the cobblestone walk proves difficult for all the women. Jessica is so beautiful and so insecure, she can’t let go of her jealousy over Aesha, which is founded on exactly nothing.

Jessica drunkenly asks Rob if he wants to talk, when he doesn’t answer right away she kicks him out of their room at 3:00 am.

Jess then chases Rob all over the boat as he tries to get away from her to think.

(I wouldn’t be in my twenties or in this type of relationship again for all the tea in China)

It’s only three hours later when everyone has to get up, Rob gently asks for some space but Jess does not understand at all.

Captain Sandy Yawn has an easy day planned for everyone, good thing!

Bosun Malia White and chef Tom Chekkets talk in the galley about Rob and Jessica, hold on.

ROB AND JESSICA HAVE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER THREE WEEKS????

WHY DID HE SAY HE LOVED HER?????

THREE WEEKS

Captain Sandy calls Malia, Tom and Bugsy down to the crew mess for my favourite thing: our Preference Sheet Meeting! Who’ve we got coming on board? I’m glad you asked! Hai Eric Cottson, entrepreneur at 59! He sounds like a creep-o, he’s got wingmen John Scherrer and another who’s name I can’t quite make out…Eric likes his coffee as he likes his women: hot.

Bugsy is feeling all relaxed with her experienced second stew and Jess’s clean laundry room; a crying Jess in the galley brings out some anxiety. She ushers Jessica into the salon and goes to fetch Rob.

Rob and Jessica kind of talk it out, he really wants to be open to the process.

We’ll see.

Everyone works hard to get the boat ready for charter, not long now! Jess and Aesha take turns trying not to throw up in one of the guest suites, everyone is hungover as balls.

Disaster strikes as Captain Sandy gets ready to dock, The Wellington loses all power which means they don’t have bow thrusters, which means they can’t guide this gigantic yacht into or away from anywhere.

You know what the engineer has to do to bring systems back online? Reset the breaker. That’s it.

Reset. The. Breaker.

Just like when you use a toaster, microwave oven and a kettle all at the same time but with less dramatizing with music a la Bravo.

The rest of the docking is without incident, Aesha is really struggling with being away from her family for so long. She goes up on deck to cry on the phone to her brother Jared, she just wants to be home!

Provisions show up late, only one hour before charter. Hustle!

A minor drama in the galley once Tom realises he isn’t getting the fresh mussels he ordered and instead will have to make do with frozen cooked ones. Honestly, they’re disgusting anyway, who cares?

Tom cares! We get another five minutes of those stupid mussels until the provisioner comes by with another kilo of fresh mussels.

Oh yeah. These guys don’t look at all like douche-nozzles, with their “Almost Single” shirt and all.

The back says “Almost Married”, Alex thinks that sums up Rob and Jessica’s relationship perfectly!

Bugsy takes everyone on a boat tour while the deck crew loads one thousand pounds of luggage, surely these guys have less? They’re in tshirts and shorts?

Look at this gleaming table! Have they even used this table this season?

Captain Sandy deliberately scares the guests with the boat horn as they embark, hahahaha. Atta girl.

They set anchor in the middle of the ocean, time for Malia to get her boys to get out the water toys!

First the guests want to play frisbee against the crew ashore; Bugsy makes a wager with Primary Eric. The losing team will be in either Speedos or bikinis for supper!

Aesha, Jessica and Rob will be playing for the crew, Aesha is so excited to touch the water! She should come with them to Bali and be the third wheel!

The crew starts to lose hard at Ultimate Frisbee while Bugsy sets up for a Spanish night back on the superyacht. If Tom says one more gd thing about those gd mussels…

The crew loses hard, Speedos for all! They get back to the boat, Jess just absolutely cannot take Rob and Aesha being friendly even a little bit. That is crazy.

Also crazy is Aesha repeatedly dropping things while serving and Tom losing his crisp English temper on her. She cries, then they make up and all is well.

The guests offer to teach the crew jiujitsu, Aesha and Jessica both take them up on it while two other guests wander into the galley looking for snackies.

Captain Sandy finds the guests attempting to forage for cucumbers and radios everyone to no avail. Tom the chef is in his bunk cuddling with Malia, he’s not answering radio calls either. Captain Sandy goes to his room to get him, of course he’s angry that he can’t have a break. There is just one of him, that totally makes sense that he needs a break, but I’m just slightly tired of how easily he gets pissy about literally anything.

He takes his anger and frustration out on Aesha, who tells him it wasn’t her call. That was Captain Sandy’s call and since he can’t yell at her, he’s a dick to Aesha. Again and again.

We leave it with Aesha crying in her bunk with Bugsy, until next time, you guys! Cheers