Below Deck Mediterranean S2:E12 Swing Shift Recap

Avast me hearties, whose ready to jump aship Below Deck Mediterranean to find out if Adam really meant to take a swing at the back of Wes's head? ME TOO!! Rolling S2:E12 Swing Shift after the break.

Ohhh, okay, extremely drunk Chef Adam Glick thought it was a JOKE to rip bosun Wes Walton's pants during a wedgie attempt; we all know this is about deckhand Malia White and not a failed underwear grab. I think the attempted punch to the back of the head was more telling; pretty shitty to take a shot at someone when they're turned away from you, Adam. I shall dub thee Weasel.

Weasel carries on with the rest of the gang while chief stew Hannah Ferrier calms Wes down. This boy has so much adrenaline flowing through his veins right now that I'm amazed he isn't crying or humping someone. Hannah IS pretty close.

Everyone makes it back to the boat alive; Weasel tries to talk to Wes but that's not a good idea right now. Is Wes overreacting? Maybe. Is this about a failed wedgie attempt? Absolutely not. Deckhand Max Hagley and third stew Lauren Cohen gossip about it in the galley with Adam: this is all Malia's fault! She led Adam on!

Malia overhears all of that and to her credit, she apologizes to Adam for giving him hope. He thought he met a beautiful person! Instead, he met someone who was unsure who she liked better so she said some stuff that made them BOTH feel special until she made up her mind. You know, a human.

Malia talks to second stew Christine "Bugsy" Drake about what a jackhole Weasel was just being; Bugsy makes mmmm hmmm noises but tells us it's all Malia's fault for being a giant tease. Who says tease??? Are you my mother, Bugs??

Also: people can change their minds, you guys, and maybe Malia was tired of Weasel trying to back her into corners all the time. They met three weeks before boarding! It's not like a dowry had been exchanged.

The night's not over yet!

Weasel pushes Wes to talk to him; Adam: GO HOME, YOU'RE DRUNK!

He gives Wes a free shot at a wedgie, but since he's not wearing any ginch *heeerkkkk*, he basically just moons him. And then gives him some advice.

Weasel decides NOW is the best time to talk to Malia again, sure! First deckhand Bobby Giancola comes into Malia and Bugsy's bunk for a chat, what does he think? Nobody finds out what Bobby thinks because Max is too busy screaming about "dickhead birds" leading on "geezers."

Finally Malia defends herself; she can f*ck anyone on the boat if she likes! She told them both she just wanted to be friendsicles, it's not her fault Adam thought they were getting married.

Except dose texts, yes?

Weasel explains it all to Hannah; Malia played him like a f*cking book!

This is why drunk people should have to blow in a tube to see if they are allowed to be on TV.

OH MY GOD. Now it's Malia's fault that Adam was sending out shit food.

And that came from HANNAH.

What kind of bullshit is this?? ADAM can't do his job because he's distracted (by that they mean lazy, right?) by Malia and it's HER fault? IS THIS THE 1950s???

You've GOT to be kidding me. If a woman said that about a guy, I can't even IMAGINE the response. Hananh, I can't even look at you and Weasel, you troglodyte piece of shite.

At least Hannah and Adam make up and Wes and Adam share a room, so that's not awkward. I'm sure Wes got amazing sleep.

It's charter day! The guests are arriving at noon so Hannah sends Bugsy to do her dishes while she chills in her room texting Jason Ziegler. The really crappy thing about that is Bugsy for sure has to work late since Hannah isn't allowed to since The Snogging.

Malia's worried about her and Max; she plays it tough but she considered Max a friend and they have to work together. She tears up talking about it in interview.

Time for pre-charter preference sheet already, holy cow! That seems super fast. Primary Guest Quang "Q" Henderson and his wife Staci Henderson are from Texas and they have "high expectation." Other guests include Frank NoLastName and Katrina Kearns. NO ONIONS. But only a one day charter, so easy peasy. We're off!

Malia is kicked off working the bow with Wes because she's too short and Captain Sandy Yawn can't see her fingers. That made sense while watching. Captain Sandy is already questioning Wes's decision to make Malia Lead deckhand and we're literally one day into it! Honestly.

Woooooowww, the guests pictures did not do them justice, especially Quang Henderson. Even getting off a water taxi he's all long hair don't care gorgeous. Adam thinks they look like the boardgame Clue.

Hannah's getting extremely specific drink orders and food orders and Steam My Clothes orders: these guests meant it when they said they were high maintenance. Hannah cries uncle and asks Bobby and Malia to go unpack the guests.

They're confused.

Malia's never even been in the Master bedroom, now they want them to touch a bunch of private things? This is hilarious.

The guests don't want Adam's easy breezy sushi canape lunch, they want a formal sitdown lunch before their formal black tie Texan dinner, so chop chop ladies! We'll need some acrylic beads and polyester satin, Bugsy, STAT!

One of the guests grabs Hananh during service; can she recommend a travel agent or arrange a flight to Spain? Hannah is rude af about it during interview, but I don't see where that's so odd. That's customer service, it's not just all chilling in your bunk while Bugsy does your job.

Hannah books herself off for two and a half hours to arrange flights for the guests on and Lauren is sent to help Bugsy. Bugsy susses the problem immediately, sending Malia and Bobby down to help in the galley instead of touching the guest's underwears. Lauren takes over as Bugsy again has something to say about Hannah's work ethic and attention to detail. She's not wrong, but how many times have we heard IF I WERE CHIEF STEW repeating in her head this trip?

Adam realises he's not mad at WES, he's furious with Malia so he goes and finds Wes to apologize. They shake hands and call it done.

One of the more memorable guests is Brian and he is almost frantic that they're driving by all the good spots for jet skiing! He hustles all over the boat trying to find Captain Sandy to tell her to turn the boat around, they want to play at those little islands! He's also completely muscled from head to toe; Bugsy is not down.

Staci Henderson isn't down to go jet skiing because she's not pretty enough to get her hair wet (??), did she suggest someone should drown her husband for the insurance money?

Poor Brian can barely get his beefiness out of his wetsuit; it ain't easy being swole.

Dinner time! Another chef might have done TexMex for our Texas millionaires, but Adam knows this group is next level and they don't want his chimichangas. He's doing a Texas Thai fusion, let's see what that looks like.

The guests love the food; Adam comes out to introduce each course as he did with the yacht broker crew, so apparently he just needed some motivation. The anniversary cake at the end is beautiful! Bugsy is weirded out by how chummy he and Hannah are; that must have been one awesome drunken cuddlehug.

The guests go to bed before midnight...then switch rooms all over the place. They're swingers! Happy anniversary, honey! Here's someone else's wobblies to enjoy!

The next morning Captain Sandy is still snappy with Malia on anchor; what's her deal?

Guest departure time! I could juuuuuust about stand Lauren if she was helping me pack. Ohhh what a big tip Quang has?! Imma say $16,000 because I feel lucky!

Okay, $15,000, close enough. That's an excellent tip for just one night, go with gods, Quang Henderson and your Texan friends!

Malia is not digging Bobby making his own decisions after Captain Sandy told him he's on the bow; she is straight up telling him to do something and he is completely disregarding. She confronts him, but I don't know if telling him he's being competitive is the best foot forward. That's the other version of You're Just Jelly. It ends with Malia saying "you can't lead by being a dick" while Max eavesdrops

Crew night out! Adam just wants to talk about Malia; he warned her a couple of times (during their two week relationship) to not break his heart, Jeebus wept, Adam. Pull yourself together. Hannah's giving you the Come Hump Me eyes and everything!

Malia and Bugsy watch while the new besties bond; Malia looking around for Wes, but he's up at the bar buying a drink for another woman.

Hannah finally makes a move; kissing Adam and then smokily telling him she's heading back to the boat. He'll walk her back! That's not what he tells Malia; it's all about the "poking it out" with HAND MOTIONS and MOUTH NOISES.

Malia. I don't care how old you are, you're still more mature than this petty prick.

She ends up following Adam and Hannah back to the boat; she can't believe both of these guys are ignoring her.

I can totally believe both of these guys are ignoring her.

Annd we're out! I didn't realise Hannah was so schwasted; I hope she remembers everything (Emily Moses's ears are burning right now) and we find out what happened next week!

Can I just say that Adam is absolutely the worst? What a vindictive c-word that doesn't moo.