Welcome back to the high seas with our crispy shaven crew of yachties not in the Mediterranean on Below Deck! Not much controversial yet, except maybe Senior Deckhand Trevor’s nose-mining, but I have faith that Kate and Ben will bring the heat. Rolling S4:E 2 after the break!

We’re back with Kelley getting boss advice from Captain Lee; so lame. I mean, I get that he wants to be mentored by Captain Lee and soak up his experience through osmosis, but to get a direction to pass on word for word? Dude

These guests are just not Kathy P Smith and gang, they seriously spend the ENTIRE time looking at their phones. I get it! We all look better in selfies (still can’t get the duck lip), but there are people RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Mebbe talk to THEM! Perhaps chartering a yacht in the middle of the ocean with spotty WiFi was not the best vacation choice for you and your InstaGraham pals.

Kelley takes Trevor aside for the first Come to Jeebus Meeting of this charter season; he sure appreciates Trevor’s experience, but…STFU. Nico and Lauren don’t like the barking. Trevor takes this criticism as constructive and looks at ways he can amend his behaviour to better motivate the crew, just kidding! He feels undermined

Kate’s selling this beach picnic HARD to her stews, which is hilarious given how much everyone hates doing them. There’s wind, there’s set-up, there are crabs, it is no picnic for the staff but Sierra is just happy to be on the beach *giant gleaming Polident smile* She’s starting to creep me out, just me?

Awww, Trevor’s got a pout almost the size of his giant melon

Ben’s having his own trouble, he’s running out of gluten-free, fat-free, dairy-free tasteless ingredients. He needs provisions; Kelley and Lauren will go grab them. But. But. Kelley’s the big guy. Who will carry the guests ashore for the beach picnic like on Below Deck Med??

Emily’s gossiping about Kate’s love life again; spilling to Sierra that Kate is dating a woman and just WAITING for the reaction. Sierra doesn’t bite, she calls it a cool experience that she left in college but then gives us a little tease at the end

Creeping me the eff OOT

Nico and Trevor are supposed to be setting up the beach picnic, which means one is moving around heavy stuff and the other is eating breakfast. I’ll let you decide which one sounds more like undermining.

Kate and Ben visit in the kitchen, her fanning his wobblies with the fridge door leads to faaar too much information about a former boyfriend who used to cornstarch his balls then stand in front of a fan. WAIT. WAS KATE DATING JOSH FROM PARTY DOWN SOUTH?? He was all about the ball-poofing!!! Captain Lee doesn’t want to hear about Kate flapping anyone’s balls

Back on the beach, Trevor’s making hashtags in the sand while Nico sets up the tent. If Trevor pouted any more, he wouldn’t even have to pick his nose, it’d be right in there already.

Alison’s giving totally true fake statistics… kids that eat more than 20 hotdogs a year are at an increased risk for childhood leukemia. Who’d she hear that from? The Food Babe?

So, LOOK! It turns out you can drive the tender up on the beach and step off! You don’t need a meathead to carry you off, honeymoon style! Whut? *Big Bobby feels his pay packet diminish by the moment*

Kate is ecstatic with her new crew; they respect her and she would LOVE to pass on what she’s learned. This happy new soft Kate is confusing me; there is no deadpan! Where’s the deadpan?? I mean, yay, great, Kate is happy, awesome to hear it. *whatever* TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT, HIPPIE!

The guests love the “that’s gluten-free, right?” food right? Then it’s beach time, which gives Kelley time to ogle Kelsey again, but he knows those “girls would never marry guys like us” and then he and Nico laugh.

The M word? Really? Plus, he’s right. Rich girls are probably not into dudes who snapchat their junk with their faces in the pic: faces OR wobblies, Kelley! Learn it! Love it.

The guest get back aboard the ship with minimal help (Kelley rolling Alison, tho? What?) and Kate waxes ecstatic about her stews to Captain Lee, no way this is foreshadowing!! God has answered her prayers

The guests discuss dick size (smaller is better? Or bigger? or HOW ABOUT WHATEVER, dudes) while Nico and Lauren have an “awkwardly romantic” moment on the beach. They have a nice vibe, but I’m not sensing a boning on my radar.

Ben usually likes to stick up for the underdog (and stick it in the underdog if it’s Tiffany-shaped), but Trevor, ehh

Lauren’s helping in the kitchen, aww she’s adorable, supper time! Ben’s food looks SOOOO good! I get why it’s hard for the people serving to remember everything, though, Pork Scallopini with barley, almonds, butternut and a veal demi-glace is hard, y’all! It’s also hard to remember that Kelsey can’t eat barley, gluten-free, ya’ll! I love how Kelsey Merghart is just part of the gang now: you put barley on Kelsey’s plate, oh no! Get Kelsey a separate chicken breast! Ben forgot.

Kelley’s talking about Kelsey and Kelsey’s talking about Kelley and it’s all so middle school and Imma attempt a couple name for them, but it is not gonna be pretty. Kellseley? Hashtag THAT

The women put down their phones juuuustt long enough to clap for Ben, then BACK to the InstaGraham. I mean. Ben and I are blown away by these women.

It’s 1:20 am and Kelley has retired to his bunk, all shirtless and foine AF and the guests get hold of a radio. You know, these guys aren’t going to be able to wait on you hand and foot if you keep them up all night, ladies. You may have wanted a slightly different boat, with better WiFi and more vanilla-scented oil. It’s parked off the coast of Las Vegas.

Kelley can’t resist a good game of Connect Four, so he and Kelsey are off in the corner having a match. Kelley can’t believe a girl such as Kelsey likes him, he’s a butler.

Right after Kelsey breaks the physical barrier with a pretend push, I swear to god, one of them is going to break out a foot rub or hair braiding and we’ll have total Middle School Flirting bingo.

The next day, we find out some other names of the guests. Why, I don’t know, but I am unable to pass up writing down something written for me on screen. Nikole Kaplan and Nicole Speake are also aship, good thing they don’t have almost identical names and look exactly the same! Trevor figures Nikole with a K is more his age range, so they do a round of ASL in the mess. It IS a very young crew, I thought Nico was older than 22 for sure.

Then it’s tattoo meaning sharing time, which was the piercings of my day: why’d you get that? Trevor has a huge jellyfish on his shoulder and a bunch or writing on his ribs to honour a friend that died in front of him; that must have been what he was showing the guests with his shirt off.

Someone in my extended family dated someone I hated, but I did grudgingly respect his refusal to not tell me what his tattoos meant. They were important to him and I was just trying to be polite to the arsehole anyway. Trevor flashing around his big tattoos and tragic story about his friend: less respect. I think that makes me the arsehole here.

Captain Lee would like some coffee, interior crew!! Like now-ish! But while Sierra thinks tending to the crew and guests is just like her previous job being a nanny (like a Jude Law nanny?), Captain Lee is dubious of her domestic skills. She left the sugar in the bag in his coffee. “Time release!”

Captain Lee is having a little bit of trouble following Trevor’s “limp dick motion,” just tell him if the anchor is off the bottom! Clear! Precise! Communication!

Ohhhh Kelsey and Kelley are following each other on the InstaGraham already! There WILL be DMs! Side note: I don’t have the ‘Gram because I’m too old to be selling arse, is it used for anything else?

Ben and Kate have it out about toast; it’s her job and blah oooh! blah but really: Ben’s not a morning or breakfast person. I am both! Kate and Ben make up, but she knows any peace with Ben is temporary in nature: there will always be another charter that wants to eat breakfast.

Trevor gets snappy with the Captain while docking and

Remember when you were 24 going on 25 and you thought you just knew EVERYTHING? Except how not to pick your nose and eat it on camera.

The guests want some pictures of the boys for their InstaGraham accounts, Nico’s ‘cited he’s going to be famous! Kelley and Kelsey take pictures, awww, Kellseley is so Kute!

Guest departure time means TIP TIME, YAY!!!!! My favourite part of the episode and it’s BULLSHITE that they only give us one every two shows now! Come on!! I wanna see fat envelopes and crew trying to do the maths in their heads! I’m guessing…. $23,000 for this trip, based on nothing.

Hugs for everyone! I will not hashtag any of what they say, but the envelope looks disappointing. Gimme crew mess for tip! But no, first they have to clean the boat and gossip about Nico. Kate figures he’s about 6 years away from being the hottest thing on the planet, Emily is more interested in brains and experience. She’s not too fussed about things like “genitilia size.” Kate says “if he wasn’t 22 and I wasn’t a lesbian..”

TIP TIME!! Nico wants it! He wants it a LOT

Captain Lee tells the deck crew to dial it back and oh. The tip is $15,000 which is $1360 each. I was WAY off. They’re all ecstatic, and heading out for dinner that night. First they have to scrub down the whole boat, but not Trevor! He’s gonna sit in the lounge and buy a vehicle online in front of the Captain while the rest of the deck crew works. Skinny Kenny Rogers is not impressed, especially when Trevor calls the rest of the crew to direct them while working on the accounting end of thing.

The stews figure Trevor’s just the dude to fix their toilet, though, sure. Kate’s getting creeped out by Sierra’s constant Moonie-grin too, Happy Resting Face is not a thing.

I don’t understand Trevor’s attitude is he Trump-ing Below Deck? Like just saying and doing the most radical shite possible to see if he can get a reaction? Because lipping off to the captain, telling your boss to get you a cart and brushing off that same boss with “I’m busy” can only be career suicide. Captain Lee heard that as well, shall we start a countdown clock?

Kelley rakes him over the coals for the “I’m busy” but I’ve already got the timer going! Let’s place bets!

Dinner out time! It starts lovely, with cheers and yay the tip was great (my bad), Kelley makes a move on Emily as his backup since Kelsey isn’t that most important thing in all romance among the very young: within reach.

Trevor’s wired, so he’s read his part of the contract correctly, the bit with “Stir Up Shit Off Charter”. He’s pounding back Long Island Iced Teas like it’s 2003 and hitting on Emily. We’ve all been there, yes, trying to convince everyone who hates you to do shots with you? Someone always goes too hard the first night out, Below Deck Med had Tiffany skulling out of a wine bottle and OG Below Deck has Trevor, drinking like a suburban SAHM with kiddos on another continent.

Jesus, I thought we were about to see all of Sierra’s storm then. Almost her entire pneumatic breast came out of her flimsy camisole while stretching in front of Trevor.

Trevor knows what to do, though, it’s time to talk about how he’s feeling about Kelley’s managerial style! Yes! Do that! While drunk! And then get in the jacuzzi! And talk shit about Nico’s tribal arm tattoo!

I don’t think Trevor has any friends. I shall call him TrevorNoMates

TrevorNoMates is fighting with the entire deck crew, Kelley has to send him to bed, but not before he stops by the crew mess to eavesdrop on everyone shit-talking him. It goes about as well as you would expect and that’s it! First charter over! Cheers, y’all! Until next week