Hi guys! This Below Deck sounds exciting! By that I mean homicidal; I hope it’s like a super jerky charter guest who gets in trouble tonight, not one of the nice ones like Linda P. Jones, who just wanted to get gently schwasted after looking at jewelry and retire to her cabin early. Let’s find out!

So….what happened with Kyle’s wing? Oh grosser than that, his shoulder’s completely dislocated. Lauren pops it back in, yuuuuuccckkkkk.

Water toys for everyone! Including the daughter charter guests who are drunk and running the jetskis everywhere. They flip the toy and it’s an emergency but I don’t really understand how. We get lots of shots of the coral reef below, is it…moving?? Is the giant rock going to attack them? They’re in lifejackets…

Nico saves the two women and then brings them aship where they have to get checked by medical. One has cuts from the coral reef, I hope the coral is okay! Captain Lee says it’s always their fault if someone gets hurt, they need to keep the guests safe.

I’m just going to say: those women drove out there on their own, drunk AF and I’m not sure how that is the crew’s fault. They sobered up hella quickly, though. Being thisclose to attacked by an inanimate coral reef would do that, I guess.

The Captain decides what’s needed is a round of Painkillers, which is a staple cocktail in the Virgin Islands and not a handful of black market percosets. He can’t reach anyone in service by radio, which means he has to go ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS where Sierra doesn’t have hers on.

Almost 45 minutes later, while Sierra’s fiddling with an aspirin bottle, Skinny Kenny Rogers comes back and makes them his own self. I mean.

Now KELLEY isn’t answering his radio, which is driving the Captain even crazier, what is with all these people wandering about out of communication? This yacht is exactly eleventy thousand feet long! The Captain is trying to raise the anchor so they can find calmer water, but no Kelley means they’re short handed. Then it gets weird, the Captain doesn’t like Lauren’s hand signals and I think he could just use a Painkiller, if you know what I mean.

Kelley thinks there is sexual tension between he and Emily, because he’s such a flirty person. Yeah. Wow. He stood around grunting and threw small bits of food in his mouth while she overtalked. I practically swooned from here.

Speaking of swooning, Kyle’s in LURVE

But Sierra’s finding it hard to understand what he’s saying most of the time. He does have that super awesome Terence Stamp accent. Speaking of love on the high seas, Kate’s texting Ro like a crazy person and Ben thinks it’s inappropriate. Oh hey, Ro’s coming to visit and all the foreshadowing:

Kate and Sierra are brainstorming for the White Party, they come up with a White Rabbit theme and sure that oughta be fun! Alice in Wonderland!

Kelley and Kyle are scrubbing the bottom of the boat (like, for reals? That’s an actual job? Scrubbing the bottom of the yacht while it’s in the water??) and discussing what kind of contraception Kyle is thinking of not using with Sierra. He’s going in for the kill next charter with “no Wellington” which is apparently Terence Stamp-speak for unprotected sex. Don’t do that. I’m starting to think his bar-crawl baby-momma was trapped by Mr. No Wellies here. Kelley advises him otherwise

The drunken guests are thisclose to napping and aww, now Kelley has a friend! Him and Kyle get along great! That’s probably because they both served in the military. He was feeling left out

Ben’s really annoyed at how little attention Kate is paying to anything outside of Ro’s texts, he’s getting downright pissy about it. Captain Lee is NOT happy with how the deck crew is visiting instead of working.

Kyle’s told EVERYONE about his love for Sierra, and Lauren passes it on to the woman herself, who is flattered and intrigued. I bet most yachties look like Kelley; it’s kinda nice to meet someone with personality.

Kate and Ben are fighting about the timing for supper again, I agree that the guests should be catered to, but I bet they like a bit of structure, like a set dinner time that is convenient for the chef. Says 10 bucks.

Oh jeez, more fighting about the timing of the supper, but we get down to it: he REALLY doesn’t like her texting her girlfriend. You know I love you, Ben, get it together.

An hour later, the guests are enjoying the last course of their gorgeous meal and Kate is texting with Ro again. It gets better later when she decides to video chat with Ro while the guests are chilling in the hot tub. It seems Ro can’t make it that weekend, which means more endless texting and I don’t like how Ro is kinda passive aggressive about it, she wants Kate to be MOAR upset that she couldn’t make it this weekend. Hm

Captain Lee has HAD it with dirty windows, he calls Kelley up for a Come To Jeebus meeting about how he’s not handling the ship’s cleaning properly. Kelley points out that the interior isn’t being called on the carpet and is dragged down to the main floor to see all the salt-crusting on the exterior of the windows. Skinny Kenny Rogers is ANGRY

Kelley sets the deck crew onto the windows; Captain Lee drags him back up so he can watch his crew working outside from that perspective. Kelley and Nico watch Lauren work the anchor lift all alone alllll wrong.

She’s pissed after, she thinks Kelley hung her out to dry. He didn’t, but everyone saw her inexperience clearly. They hug it out.

The windows are still GROSS

Guest leaving time! Lemme see your TIP!!! Primary Mark commends Nico for saving the girls and then hands over a middling size envelope. I can’t see it being huge, it was just an overnighter, so I will say $12k – $16k. The tip meeting starts poorly, Captain is feeling crusty about the radios and Kyle’s hat on indoors. They get $15, 000 which is $1350 each, not bad for one night, right?

There is good / bad news: Bad News: the slide is there and will have to be used to next charter. Good News: they getta resort for a night! This is kinda awesome, there aren’t any jerks on board right now and they should be able to do some shots! shots! shots! without the usual rancor.

The deck crew cleans the boat, everyone goes to bed and then they make fun of Kelley working out on the deck. And guess who shows up as they’re getting ready to go to the resort island? NO, GUESS??!!

Ro’s like a GIANT, like a hot Bigfoot Spanish Nikki Sixx. And Kate’s a munchkin, but they are TOTALLY into each other. Nico just wants to watch. They end up making a mess in the master bathroom, awwww, I’ve never seen Kate so discombobulated!

Ben’s in the back gnawing on his liver, he can’t stop watching Kate and Ro carry on. I didn’t think he was all that attached to Kate, it’s probably to do with an ownership issue. That was MINE!! And even if I didn’t want it for all the time, someone else has it and I’m MAD!! Kelley messed up by asking Sierra about Emily; Emily is down to date any of the dudes, but this middle school shite where you ask someone’s friends first? She’s not interested.

This is the 1400th time I’ve seen Kelley with no shirt, Emily and I are sooooo not interested.

Welcome to Scrub Island! Ro has this super obnoxious laugh that Ben and I already hate but mostly she just sucks face with Kate

Kelley’s making his move on Emily, come ON, buddy, you’re so immature. Asking for suntan lotion and then laying with your face in her lap?? Nico’s holding back after his drunken move earlier.

Kyle decides to take his play to the main stage; Sierra is biting for sure. Speaking of biting, Kate and Ro are taking advantage of one of the best things about same-sex hookups: every bathroom can be party time. Lots of moaning later, Kate explains that while Ro is a former professional athlete, she keeps her physicality up. Kate thinks that’s respectable. Ben needs some air

and we’re oot!