We’re back with our unruly gang on Below Deck; will the pizza have been scraped up? Will the toaster stop smoking? Will Kelley stop taking his frustration out on Sierra re: Emily pretending to date Ben? These questions and more will maybe be answered this week on The Sea Was Angry: rolling after the break

We’re at the morning before guest arrivals, it’s very quiet below deck. Kate’s waiting for an apology from Lauren, who probably doesn’t even remember what she said to Kate. Kelley and Ben share a room too, nooooo talking.

Bemily pretend to flirt and be bashful in the morning: I’ll just go on record AGAIN in saying that I don’t buy one ounce of what they are selling. No chemistry.

Kyle’s being a giant baby about Sierra, little shots about her to Lauren and it’s just so immature.

Also immature: saying how clear you’ve made it that you aren’t attracted to someone when you have NOT. I mean, Sierra, come on. You don’t have to like the guy, you don’t have to date the guy, but don’t act as though you told HIM that. She sort of hinted that she’d like to go Dutch, invited a bunch of other people on their date and then spent the whole time taking selfies for another dude, so her and I may have different opinions as to “clearly.”

Captain Lee calls Kelley in for another Come to Jeebus meeting: this is the second time the crew has left a mess above deck, one more time and they will be grounded to their rooms with like, one X-Box to share or something.

Kate’s giving Ben the gossip 411; Ben’s noticed that Kelley’s been a little “off” with him but oddly: nice to Emily. Kate calls Kelley a “fragile little piece of porcelain.” Kelley comes in to talk things out; Kate fills him in on all the “disrespectful and dangerous” behaviour, which he apologizes for. He does not want to have an enemy in Kate and no he doesn’t. Kate wouldn’t even break stride destroying Kelley. Good plan, Kelley!

Ben asks: did Kelley know he sent Emily flowers? No, or he wouldn’t have thrown that double-date out there because that would have been shaaaaady.

Awkward almost-meeting between Kyle and Sierra, come ON you guys! Well, maybe this is a training seminar on why you don’t fish off the company pier. Show this right before Christmas parties!

Emily calls her daddy (seriously, a grown woman of 22 calls her father “daddy”), she’s his princess! He calls her a “naughty girl” for going on a date, and I am officially squicked the fcuk out when he asks her to send pictures. Is this her daddy or SugarDaddy? Either way, she calls herself mature and it’s like she didn’t even hear herself on the phone.

Pre-Charter Guests meeting with the captain! The Primary is Rebecca Fearing, a “well-known psychic medium” which makes Ben snort “whack job” while Kate questions the intelligence of those who don’t believe in the supernatural. You can keep your nose up, Kate, Ben and I aren’t stupid, we just don’t care about otherworldy shite, we’re super busy here in this one.

Other guests include: Jennifer Shaffer, Susan Pinsky, Cindy Kaza (another psychic), Scott Nevins and Blake McIver. They’ll be scattering the ashes of Scott’s late aunt off the boat and I call set-up. For one thing, a dead auntie is like the perfect relative for this kind of thing, they sound connected but distant but how many aunts don’t have their own families? I shall reserve judgement.

Kate calls it a “heavy energy charter” which Captain Lee calls “weird” instead. Kate calls a Ben tantrum, she reads his palm, gluten will be invoked!! She’s good!

Kelley calls a Respect The Boat crew meeting. Lauren’s taking it as nit-picking and Nico’s feeling super salty towards over-emotional Kelley. I am on the fence, there’s a male character on The Fall who has an emotion-management problem like Kelley and part of me wants to throw all that “come on!! There’s no crying in law enforcement” that women have been bombarded with for years, but most of me is like: sometimes you have to listen to your intuition and it’s okay to let things hurt you, we’re human. But fcuk that guy on The Fall, for reals.

Hey I totally forgot about Trevor until I just saw Nico’s fading tribal tattoo! I hope the hair model’s happy!

Guests are here! Kate’s disappointed in how normal Rebecca looks, she thought for sure there would be crystals dripping off all appendages or something. There are some fabulous flaming gay dudes, though, they’re hella impressed by all the handsome deckhands in uniform. Come to think of it, they DO look like a row of peelers pre-danceoff on Ladies Night.

Boat Tour! It’s all very familiar to sleeps-little Rebecca, she’s a psychic, you know. We should do shots every time she mentions it!

Kelley’s being proactive for once, yay! Guests Scott, Emerson and the other adorable boi are ALL up in his grill. He’s gonna have his hands full fending off that gang.

Guest Susan brags that she just made $75,000 for charity, Scott and Emerson wants to know where their money is, they could be charities! They’re awesome, I’d go cruising with them! But I would probably hide my napkin fancies since they think they’re cockrings.

They love the lobster salad, though, giving Ben hope

Banana Hammocks for all!

The guests are having an awesome time! Captain Lee isn’t since the pool is just floating away…The guests don’t notice anyway, pffst.

Guest Robin is a believer; Rebecca predicted that she would lose 23 pounds and lo and behold, 3 years later: 23 pounds less.

I am going to present the psychic stuff without comment

Dressing for dinner time! I love it when men dress up, I don’t care if they’re into outties or innies, show me your pocketsquare! Even the captain looks fancy!

He looks so pleased with himself that I am not even going to mention how oddly fitting that blazer is! Scott, Blake and Emerson are all over Kyle, who is totally down to party in WeHo with his new flamey friends. Me TOO!!

Dinner time! Captain Lee legit doesn’t know how to take it when Rebecca compliments him on his purple aura. He just stares, until Rebecca says his mom is there. His mom is totally alive and Blake and me make this face

Just eat, Rebecca. Shhh. You’re not doing yourself any favours. My favourite part was when she said Captain Lee wasn’t the only seaman in his family and Emerson’s head almost popped off.

Food note: they guests are having a half-nude cake for dessert and it looks bad. I think the Great British Bakeoff has opened my eyes to REALLY judging cake. I usually just avoid commercial cakes because they’re always stale, but in this case I think it looks dry too.

Scott asks the captain for permission to give his seat to Kate so she can have a reading, he’s super hunky, hey? Plus pocketsquare. Kate sits

Oh it’s bad. First she starts off with Kate being involved with animals (I don’t remember anything about animals) and then men, There’s this one man around her, but there is one that really has her heart; me, Kate and everyone else are screaming: YOU MEAN WOMAN, RIGHT? Psychics are so locked into the binary. Anyway, Bemily are listening and when Rebecca starts talking about a tall, dark and handsome closeby guy, we all start

Emily’s decided to take this as confirmation that Ben still loves Kate, so she busts his balls over it while he whisper-argues that he loves Kate, but not in “that way.” I mean. Kate extricates herself nicely.

Ben brings Emily tea in the laundry room, you’ve gotta be English to drink this. I am drinking tea right now, young man, I’ll have you know. I may be an 85 year old woman hiding in a 43 year old body.

The sea is VERY rough, the guests are scared and pukey. Kate’s thinking positive

The really cool wine fridge has broken with all the turbulence, the deck crew is called in to help clean up. The waters are VERY rough, guests are puking everywhere, stuff is flying around in the kitchen. They finally get to a nice calm anchorage, but no water toys today. Just yoga!

Yoga and breakfast are running on a parallel, it’s Breakfast Halftime! Ben wants to know where this meal fits in the meal hierarchy: is it Brunch since it’s noon? Or what? HE NEEDS STRUCTURE, KATE! Kate would just like him to feed everyone, okay Ben? FEED THE GUESTS WHEN THEY’RE HUNGRY, let’s do that!

Everyone else makes it in for breakfast, let’s eat! I love Scott, Emerson and Blake! So smart and funny and QUICK.

Scott wants to do the ash-tossing ceremony at sunset. Kelley decides to practice first with flour. Now. I appreciate the fact that he’s thinking ahead, but no way the wind won’t change over the afternoon, right? Moron

Ben’s still fuming, he pulls Kate into a full argument in front of Blake and Emerson, who laugh when Captain Lee tells them to keep it down. They hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight! Emily’s listening as well, she thinks that’s a sign of him still caring about her. Ben thinks Emily just doesn’t understand: Kate is the worst person to work with in the whole world EVER.

Kate’s a little uncomfortable with the ash-spreading ceremony, she thinks that should be private. It’s a burned body. I have to say, it’s probably going to be better than spreading ashes on a random mountain in Idaho while swearing because you and your family are being chased by a bear. I’d put ten bucks on that.

Now they’re all set and they have a brief ash-throwing ceremony. Scott’s aunt Grace sounds pretty cool; she was his best friend, godmother and aunt and she asked him to spread her ashes in all the fabulous places he goes. He does a speech and then maybe we all tear up a little. It was sweet! Kyle can sense the juju

Ben and Kate make up, he likes the release of a good fight, right?

The guests eat supper while the crew does turndown service, I can’t stop staring at Sierra’s boobs! They’re the size of my head! And I have a really big head, for real!

There’s a cringe-y vibe at the dinner table; Rebecca is holding forth on Heaven (has technology?) and everyone is trying to politely not *cough bullshit cough* in their napkins. She’s name-dropping, she’s creating a multi-dimensional phone: it’s the weirdest thing Kate’s ever seen. Rebecca has this fast and rambly way of talking that negates the importance of anything she’s saying, she needs to hook up with a presentation coach.

Scott comes and grabs Emily for a reading; Cindy wants to peak into her brain. Ben interrupts. Do him and Emily have a chance? Cindy’s not doing this, she’s oot. It’s SUPER unprofessional and inappropriate. He keeps pushing and is oddly confrontational until Cindy just throws it out there: he and “Ems” will not work out.

So he asks “Ems” out for another date, because he’s 4 years old, apparently. He understands Cindy is a guest, right? Due some faked politeness at the very least? Emily says yes, but she’s uncomfortable. Lauren comforts her after and nails it: they’ve been on one date, why is Ben offering them up for couples counseling already?

Cindy escapes to her room, I hope she says something to the captain. That was unprofessional bullshit.

Lauren’s finally sussed that Kate’s mad at her, but she still doesn’t know why.

Kate wants to know whats up with Emily’s logbook entry, what happened last night? Ben explains, but he doesn’t understand why everyone’s mad at him for challenging a Medium, he thought that was what they were there for!

No, BEN, the GUESTS are there to have a good time and maybe impart some other-worldly wisdom, you ahole!

The guests are sooo spoiled after this yachting trip. Kyle’s in there giving his contact info out and back off, Kyle. Don’t go full-Danny, let them come to you.

Guest leaving time! Rebecca hands over a big envelope with a speech about the the love life on the boat being good and this gives us a few more minutes of Ems talking about it with Sierra. I mean. JUST SHOW ME THE TIP!!

Ben’s calling his older brother James, who’s busy running a major corporation: can James come visit? RANDOM

TIP TIME!! Captain Lee calls out the deck crew for messing up with the pool, Nico jumps in but it’s NOT THE TIME, NICO!! We’re about to find out how much monay! First a little smack on the hand for Kate and Ben and then: $15,000. I didn’t even have time to guess! Dangit. Well, that’s $1,350 each and that’s not bad, right?

Wow, we got a whole charter in one episode! And now crew downtime! That was a fast turnaround. We even have a second date and Ben just pushed far too much too fast. I don’t even understand what he’s doing.

Kate’s cleansing and toning her face; Ro wants SkypeSex, come on! Kate throws a “vagina” out there, but she’s not down.

The date goes all right, chatting about the psychic he forced into giving an opinion and then they’re walking on the beach and then they’re kissing and I still don’t see it. Nope

Kyle’s piqued everyone’s interest with his street-performing background, he starts showing them videos of himself performing at Pride in Manchester. Basically he’s just dancing poorly in tiny shorts while a drag queen feels him up, no biggie. You can hear the record scratch when he says “I came out to my dad to this song” because none of us know what that means. He didn’t come out as gay, but rather bisexual, because he had a transgender missus at the time.

I kind of love Kyle in this moment and I hope he doesn’t say anything horrible after to ruin it. You go, evolved Kyle of the Manchester Stage Dancers!

Emily is confused; wasn’t he trying to date Sierra..?

Ben wants more information; did he know his missus was transgender? Sure, he used to go out to the bars looking for it. Ben wants to know what “it” means in this scenario. Kyle explains. When he was in the army, he dated a transgender person unknowingly and found he was “partial to it.” That’s it, I officially love Kyle.

Ah but wait! He’s still seeing someone back in England too! After all that hard time he gave Sierra about her admirer at home, he’s still seeing Ashley, who is also transgender. They all call him evolved like I did, yay!! I love that, truly, good on Kyle, do you. And whoever fully consents while sober. Cheers, until next time!