Good afternoon everyone, it’s a snowy day in northern Canada right now, what better time to recap Below Deck in the amazing Caribbean? Rolling S5:E12 after the break.

It’s the morning of the second day of the charter with Shelly Snoddy and her gaggle of friends, Captain Lee Rosbach calls Chief Stewardess Kate Chastain to the bridge to complain about chef Matt Burns. Cap’n Lee decided to kick deckhand Bruno Duarte out of the galley because he wants a temperature check on Matt’s talents. I will say that Bruno was being very vocal about his helping, which didn’t reflect well on Matt, who quite sincerely needed the help.

Deckhand Kyle Dixon, who was with us before, has asked out Third Stew Jennifer Howell for drinks, I have no idea why he does that. He asks out the first healthy-chested blonde he sees and it never goes well for him.

Cause Jenn is CRAZY.

And not a good worker, but Kate can’t afford to fire her this late in the season.

Matt prepares brunch while Second Stew Brianna Adekeye wanders in and asks Jenn about Kate. Jenn shittalks while Kate walks in behind her, out in the main salon the guests love Matt’s cooking! They want to take him home with them. They also want Captain Lee to eat with them, so Matt’s pooping pebbles.

Cap’n is impressed that lead deckhand Nico Scholly picked up some stuff from recently departed bosun EJ Jansen by osmosis, he’s doing much better!

Kyle and Kate chitchat in Kate’s bunk, she’s always liked him.

The guests drink glass after glass after bottle after bottle of wine, have a good time ladies!

Kate and the gang are setting up the White/Neon/Disco party, opening up glowsticks and spreading it all over the place. I cannot recommend, because it burns if it gets on skin. ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

Captain Lee is a thorn among roses with the guests, who love how he looks in his fancy white-with-flowers outfit!

Jenn tells deckhand Baker Manning about her upcoming date with Kyle, he’s not a basic b*tch! Oh honey. Both of you are in for it.

Matt is trying his very hardest to impress Skinny Kenny Rogers Lee and the guests, but they do not like the food. He messed up the scallops. And unlike an actual restaurant, on the yacht the guests rarely send it back, they just get disappointedly drunker and Captain Lee is there to hear it ALL.

Matt’s serving too many salads for this gang and they don’t like fish, even if they didn’t tell anyone that. The stewardesses say they’ll bring back fettuccine, but it’s in a red sauce and I don’t know…these ladies are having a white party and are wearing all white. Captain Lee wants to go to bed.

Jenn bitches to Kyle about Kate, bad choice, Jenn.

Disco party time! Captain Lee grudgingly comes in and watches everyone flash their ginch, talk about Jesus, drink too much and slur innuendos at him.

There’s a lot of ladies of a certain age that dig Skinny Kenny Rogers lookalikes, yes?

Primary Shelly is alllll over Captain Lee, Kate notes the same thing I referenced above! Shelly is eventually dragged out of the party by her friend while she screams “I’m the Primary! You don’t f*ck with the Primary, stupid asses!”

Boy I bet she’s a lot of fun at parties. Or whatever the opposite of fun is.

Kate comes up for the pajama party, but none of Shelly’s friends want to join her so it’s just Kate and Brianna listening to Shelly complain that her friends are all jealous because Captain Lee likes her.

I would be soooooo all over that but I’m afraid I have been DrunkShelly many MANY MANY times in my life. Thank sweet baby jeebus there were no cameras.

It’s morning! Guess who is early girl yet not awake? Jenn is having what looks like a great sleep, but the guests would like coffee, peez. Kyle is approached and finds Jenn right away but you know she has to torture her hair into that 90s side curl for an hour before she can spend 90 minutes making a single chai latte.

Captain Lee calls Kate up for a review of the meal, it was mediocre but they could tell Matt was trying. Just…not quite good enough.

Kyle and Jenn flirt and joke around, they’re kind of cute together. In a locked, soundproof room.

Primary Shelly is up and still mad about the night before: these girls aren’t even her friends! That’s odd, I was pretty sure she was in a jesus-juice-inspired blackout and wouldn’t remember anything. She’s being rude to her friends, but the way they’re responding tells me this isn’t their first rodeo.

We all have that one friend that is super generous, right? Renting limos for everyone, taking us on six figure cruises (okay, maybe I don’t have that friend) but in return insists on you caring for her drunken, self-embarassing arse all the time without nary an eye-roll. They don’t want friends as much as they want employees they can treat like shit and emotionally abuse because they bought them stuff and brought them places. In the olden days in Agatha Christie books, we called them Companions.

Kate struggles with Jenn working really slooooowwlllly, she’s used to training young people. Jenn is not that and she’s pretty set in her ways.

Brianna and Nico chitchat about their nascent relationship, they’re going to have a whole two and a half days together after this charter!

The guests are all stressed out and tense, I’m so sorry it went this way for them.

The deck crew is doing great! They know how to dock and look competent and everything! Captain Lee and Nico are very proud of their growth.

Finally the guests are leaving, yay! I can’t remember a more tense departure before, even more so than the last charter group that mostly left without saying goodbye. Shelly gives Matt props for his food in front of everyone, he breathes again.

Crew mess Tip Time! Only $15,000. Wow. I expected much more than that? So did Bruno.

The team sits around brainstorming about what they can do better, Kyle jumps in and shouts about nobody being on hand to feed the guests in the morning. Both Kate and Jenn are offended.

One more charter left, what’s Matt got up his sleeve? He wants to end on a high note!

Nico and his family are still reeling after the death of his younger brother, things are all over the place back home and his mom is struggling. He’ll have to go home and help soon.

The gang gets ready for the next charter, Jenn lying to Kate about sleeping in and Matt texting his ex-girlfriend. Man! Matt, one more charter, you keep it together for one more trip!

It’s time for the last pre-charter meeting of the season! Timothy Sykes is the Primary and apparently we’ve met him before on Ohana with Kate. He took $5,000 off the tip IN FRONT OF THEM and was super demanding about food. Kate doesn’t tell Matt that part.

Kate knows what to do, she takes over and will be directing Matt as to the menu to prepare for this set of guests.

The rest of the crew head out for dinner, now that Nico has sealed the deal with Bri, am I sensing his backing away? Yes I sure am! She asks everyone what they’re doing after the season, since she knows what she and Nico will be doing and he stares at the table.

He’s got to go home to be with his family, I don’t see how he can go travel with Bri right now.

Anyway: Bruno is going back to Portugal to get his visa, Baker is going to Charleston and Kyle is going to the bathroom to throw up because Jenn just dipped her fork in his au jus. Not a euphemism.

He is completely grossed out but I think Jenn was flirting? He leaves the table, he won’t eat anything on his plate now so Nico has to explain it to Jenn.

Jenn goes to the bathroom so Baker begs Kyle to not say anything about his plate so they can have a night without a JennSplosion.

Jenn is so sad when she realises her one ally on the boat is no longer into her brand of cray cray.

Everyone needs at least one friend! Everyone needs to have one night out where they don’t feel like the bad guy! Even Jenn!

They all meet up at the bar for shots, so many shots for Jenn. So many. So many that when Baker tries to help Jenn get back to the boat, Jenn lashes out at her and calls her a whore when Baker says she’s being ridic.

Back on the boat, Jenn doubles down by interrupting the lovebirds in their bunk, Nico and Brianna don’t curr, Jenn! It escalates quickly, with Bruno standing between Jenn and Baker, who would really just like to go to bed. Then Bruno threatens to lock Jenn in the bathroom and we’re out.

Jaysus. Until next time, you lot! Cheers