Hi there! Did I mention it’s a blizzard in my part of Canada right now? It IS! So I’m marathoning the end of Below Deck season 5, let’s see what the penultimate episode has in store for us ahead of the finale. Rolling S5:E13 after the break!

We left everyone in the middle of a fight, with very drunk Third Stewardess Jennifer Howell screaming at deckhand Baker Manning around deckhand Bruno Duarte, who was moved to try and lock her in a bathroom.

Now.

I’m all for crowd control but I am not down with him grabbing her and trying to push her into the bathroom. That was a weird choice and I am not okay with that. Neither is deckhand Kyle Dixon, who intervenes and we all try to remember what the fight was about in the first place anyway.

I’ve got it! Jenn and Kyle have been flirting, so she dipped her fork into sauce on his place and was immediately rebuffed hard. Kyle does not like anyone touching his food or plate whatsoever. Jenn recovered by drinking many many shots and here we are again: enjoying Jenn’s drunken life choices.

“Enjoying”

Lead Deckhand (not a thing) Nico Scholly knows everything will go nuclear if Captain Lee Rosbach hears, so he manages to calm everyone down and stuff them into their rooms.

Chief Stewardess Kate Chastain workshops the problem with Second Stew Brianna Adekeye, if she fires Jenn she will have to work that much harder. I say it’s still easier than pushing that slug up a rope, Kate, do it!

The next morning Jenn is feeling extremely remorseful, course. Everyone is talking about the night before, except Kate who is all done with Jenn.

Captain Lee has a text from the owner; the Primary will be arriving on an “alternative watercraft.”

Kate pulls Jenn aside with Brianna and lays down the law. Jenn rolls her eyes. KATE. What are you waiting for?? Save yourself some stress and fire this woman!

Jenn is not fired.

Jenn irons everything in sight and then apologizes to Baker and Bruno. This is the binge drinking cycle so many of us know so well from our younger years.

Kate worked really hard on the new charter menu with chef Matt Burns, she knows firsthand how difficult this guest is when it comes to food. If Chef Ben Robinson couldn’t make disguy happy, I have very little hope for our Matt.

Brianna has really been impressing Kate with her dedication to learning on the ship so she’s ordered new epaulets for Bri with TWO stripes. TWO! Jenn is about green, which sounds like it was part of the plan.

Some incredibly disrespectful backtalk from Jenn to Kate and the guests are almost here! Turns out “alternative watercraft” means jetski. Yep, super cool Timothy Sykes, all soggy on that jetski. Guess the helicopter wasn’t available this time.

So Timothy is a hoot right off the bat, do you think he knows how condescending he seems?

Boat tour time! Kate drags TimDadBod all over while he oohs and ahhs over how more modern this boat is than the Ohana, which he calls a Holiday Inn.

Everyone loves that toilet.

I laughed because I’m pretty sure I spotted a Thirty One Gifts bag, no shame in that game but not exactly rapper luxurious, is it? I have many 31-G bags and I have made friends with them across North America.

Ohhhhhhh last episode I thought it was MATT texting his ex-girlfriend on the boat but it was NICO and he’s now calling the girl he broke up with to be with Brianna.

He misses her. He thinks he screwed up big time. The excitement of sex with another person has worn off and he misses the person who already knows him.

Jenn complains.

Primary Timothy is obsessed with wifi, why would people not want to go in the water? Why would you just stare at your phone? Nico offers to take everyone to a beach for wifi and cocktails, I think that sounds amazing. The last two guests arrive, more nerdz!

Matt has decided to serve the red snapper grilled with its eyeballs hanging off. Still better than a salad with chicken breast on top, Kate figures, even though the eyes are freaking her out.

The deckhards work on getting toys ready for the guests but Bruno got snagged hard by a rope and has some serious skin burn to deal with.

Look how beautiful this is:

And all you can hear is guests waxing ecstatic about getting closer to wifi.

Captain Lee has no sympathy for Bruno and his poor rope-burned leg and the guests have no use for Brianna on the beach, so Baker gets dispatched back to help. Baker asks Nico about Brianna and he says Brianna doesn’t want a commitment and he kinda does, but he doesn’t want to relationship-hop.

I gotta say, Nico has so much more confidence now. You know who has confidence as well? Matt and I just feel it’s not going to go well.

There is a tasting menu for super, the first course goes well, so does the second, so does the third! It goes so well! Until the Primary says he’s still hungry after the fifth course, so Matt pulls out another course then dessert. Matt is so proud of himself!

Kate blows raspberries in the back, pffffttttttt Matt, she built that menu for you!

Then jumps all over “cheeky pikey” Kyle for being asleep in the crew mess when he JUST called the Interior lazy.

I’m not giffing Kyle calling Kate a b*tch, nope nah, not doing it.

Matt asks Bri and her and Nico’s plans, she must be sensing him pulling away because she’s not sure.

Bruno has recovered mostly from his injury, Nico is impressed with his work ethic and can-do-it-ness! Kyle is trying to step up to talk about the Carnival night but Kate is still smarting about the comments he made.

Jenn’s daughter Isabella calls and we all cry, her mom is out of town! That must be so bloody hard, I can’t even imagine.

Kate gets cornered by Primary Timothy in the galley, he asked specifically for a champagne fight with Krug or Dom Perignon. He would also like goggles because nothing says a spontaneous celebratory champagne fight like safety glasses with suction.

Kate is worried about the tip.

She’s also still bitching about Kyle, who has noticed the distinct cool coming from her direction. Baker and Nico talk about losing family members, she lost her dad too.

Later he texts Melissa to tell her how much he misses her, he loves her and can’t wait to get back home. Bri comes in just then with a snack for them both.

Kate is building a champagne tower, Kyle chooses that moment to want to talk about his feelings. Kate was pretty straight up with him but also kinda mean because she’s MAD. Captain Shittalk sleeping on the couch, and really that’s the whole point. He keeps saying that was his first break, so yeah: not everybody knows your schedule, just like you don’t know their schedule so don’t assume you have an accurate idea of what they do all day. We’re out to Kate being over the top mean.

Until next time! Which is the last time this season, except for the reunion. Cheers!