Below Deck S5:E4 Kate Goes To Church Recap

Here we are back Below Deck, well, most of us, chief Stew Kate Chastain is off praying with Jesus and hey: I seriously can't see the word Jesus and not think of a band called Junkhouse and their "Jesus Sings The Blues" - you're welcome! Rolling the S5:E4 Kate Goes to Church after the break!

We left super drunk stewardess Jennifer Howell in the can screaming for Kate, it's not even midnight! Second stew Brianna Adekeye is already climbing a pole, deckhand Baker Manning is table dancing, this crew clearly has no party experience.

Lead deckhand Nico Scholly calls the night for everyone but Kate's got no plans to head back to the boat with all her drunken coworkers, she's heading over to Hot Jesus Morton's boat.

He likes her "small body" and she's gonna teach him something! Deckhand Chris Brown makes a move on Brianna, she shuts it down clearly and he's left confused that his faux vulnerability didn't manipulate her into bed, whuuut?

Captain Lee Rosbach looks for Kate int he morning, but she's makes a big deal of her Walk Of No Shame, but Kate's not having that. She was at church! Captain Lee asks if Jesus was there and yeah, "Jesus came" and somebody saw god twice.

Jennifer begs and is allowed to do her ironing on deck, so she changes into a teeny tiny bikini and sets up shop. Nico is distracted and walks away, but it's not because of her weird hotness, it's been three months since his brother died and he's struggling with being away from his family. We cry with him as he talks to girlfriend Melissa, wishing he was home to help his mom.

Pre-charter meeting in the mess with Captain Lee and the gang, the Primary Charter Guest this time is Susan Winters-McIntosh, a luxury real estate agent from Palm Springs. There will be 8 women aship, two more than usual, and they want a disco party. Kate's just glad it isn't an 80s theme.


Nico leads a refresher class on tying knots in the dark, seems legit. Deckhand Bruno Duarte is riding the struggle bus.

Nico brings Brianna outside to talk about his stress level, nothing more than two good friends lying next to each other under the stars in the Caribbean playing the ukulele.

I'll just leave that right there.

You know, I understand Bravo has to pinch pennies where they can, but selling the EXACT same storyline on two shows that rhyme with Smelow Beck is lazy af.

Four hours until charter, woo hoo! Everyone works like crazy and the deckhands even get another chance to touch the boat lines.

Guest arrival time!

The guests are a-woo-hooing (a la Vicki Gunvalson), Captain Lee and Kate are a-cringing. They hate that noise. Y'all are in the wrong line of work if so.

Boat tour time! The guests walk around stage-gasping while Chris and Baker watch the boat hit the dock. That's right, they made casual conversation while a multi-million dollar piece of yachting spoils hit the wall. Captain Lee is "madder than a pissed on chicken" and I have no idea what that means.

Bruno knows it was bad at least, he follows Nico around asking HOW bad but he's mostly in the clear. It's Baker and Chris who watched it all happen with nary a word that are really in trouble.

Brianna gets the booze flowing for the ladies while the deck crew eats and Canadian chef Matt Burns gets cooking. Below Deck, Baker's at least figured out she was partially to blame for the accident, Chris is completely without a clue, actually telling everyone it wasn't his fault.

I am not super impressed with Matt's food yet, but the guests love his chicken on salad, just like the last set of guests liked it. I think he sliced his chicken too soon, but maybe he likes to leave all the flavour on the cutting board.

Brianna goes on break and it's Jennifer's time to shine! We're all nervous, but I'm not convinced Kate's micromanaging is helpful. It's making Jennifer slower, and god knows it takes her long enough to get drinks out as it is. The guests ask for four beverages and she can't keep up nohow. This is ridic, seriously, when a guest has to tell you that their beer is warm AGAIN, you are messing up.


Also, Chris is just lazzzeeeeeeee

The guests tease Matt about Brianna in the galley and then go get ready for dinner, tuckered out from their afternoon water toy adventures. Kate had gone to town to get supplies for the disco party and picked up a ring for herself, which pisses Jennifer off. She was here disappointing guests on her own for four hours!

Nico feels Captain Lee out as to how he feels about the crew now; he's impressed with Bruno, Baker gets scattered and Chris, well, Chris gets to be on anchor watch tonight for no reason other than he needs to be taught a lesson.

Kate reviews the menu choices for the evening and sighs, Matt's food is like Matt: a little bland. Awwww!

Jennifer spends half an hour carefully spraying her 80s swoop into a concrete formation on her head with Aquanet, Kate wrecks that immediately by telling her to put on an afro wig for the party. Everyone figures Kate is flexing her big boss muscles and putting Jennifer in her place, but I'd bet money Kate couldn't care less about Jennifer's place, she just wanted to mess with her hair and I fully support that move.

Bruno works and works and works and works and works and so does Nico, they're going to be exhausted.

Jen slips the wig on Primary Susan, Kate does not look happy. She's even less happy when Jennifer pulls a meltdown during dinner service, you gotta pick your times, lady. During dinner rush is not it, Kate is ruthless and she will cut you. Okay, she calms Jen down and gets her re-focused, close enough. Disco party time!

So much woo-hooing!

Bruno would just like to sleeeeep

Nico takes everyone up on the bridge to give them a quick anchor watch training, after Bruno escapes to the mess to relax and stare at his phone. He's tahred.

Kate's not having any of that, she needs a crew conga line right now, sailor! He doesn't get a night off while there are guests aship, who does he think he is? Kate? He claps back that he would like to be notified next time if he needs to be interacting with guests and that's activated Kate's sarcasm gene. The only thing that saves him is the fact that the guests go to bed at 12:30, super early.

Chris struggles to stay awake on his totally unnecessary anchor watch; he's starting to get a sense that he's done something wrong.

He's not wrong, they could have told him what he did wrong but I think they're just so disgusted that he doesn't even know how badly he messed up that they're washing their hands of it, and him.

Bruno tells Nico what happened with Kate, Nico's got your back, bruh!

Now they're docking and we are ALL nervous, suddenly Matt is working the lines and we switch to confused. Something failed with the Captain's controls and Matt knew exactly what that meant and was out there helping.

Did I imagine that? That really happened, right?

Guest Departure Time: show us your tips!! Woo-hoo that! It's hugs for Captain Lee and Matt and a big fat envelope for the crew. I am thinking $20,000!

Okay, $16,000 isn't bad, fine. That's $1540 and a stern talking to for everyone, even though we all know that's just about Chris. Changes are a-coming! Nebulous, vague changes, because those are the circumstances that bring out the best in workers.

Nico takes no responsibility for the Captain threatening to maybe, possibly think about firing someone, he yells at the crew to smarten up, which totally works.

Time for a crew night out! Baker is nervous about partying with her boss who is mad at her, but he suggests they leave that aside for now. Matt tries to work up his nerve to ask Brianna out on a date by pre-gaming with Nico while Jennifer does...this:

The strangest middle finger I'VE gotten in a long time

Matt finally asks and Brianna stalls and stalls then finally says yes. The deal sealed, she goes back to dance on her own while Matt talks to his buddy Nico about it because apparently we are at a Grade 9 dance in small town Canada.

Hmmm in the car, Brianna pretend-pouts that Nico didn't dance with her, hugs his drunk arse and completely ignores Matt sitting right beside her.

Bruno literally carries Jennifer aship and then babysits her while she sorts herself out. Girlfriend doesn't get away from her kiddo much, hey? I may have gone on a couple of schwasters whilst far away from my hooligans, it's like you gotta stock up! And you have absolutely no tolerance.

Aw man, Brianna comes to tuck Nico in and after some mutual fawning, their budding romance is RUINT by Matt coming in and going to bed. We're out!

So lemme get this straight...Brianna is dating the Chef, but really interested in the lead deckhand, who is in a relationship. And the guys share a room.

Bravo, see note above, if you're going to recycle storylines, skip a season so it's not so fecking obvious.

Until next time!