Below Deck S7:E02 The Proposal Recap

We're back asea on Below Deck with our floating seventies loveyacht and its old-timey captain. Who's ready to watch a totally romantic and not at all basic proposal? Me too!! Rolling Below Deck S7:E02 The Proposal after the break!

We left with chef Kevin Dobson suffering from (carefully recorded) explosive diarrhea (thank, Bravo!), that's where we open. Elsewhere stewardess Courtney Skippon fetches drinks for Primary Charter Guests Michael Castellano and Samantha Ledwell along with deckhand Tanner Sterback.

Tanner does his level best to keep things positive with Courtney, who's determined to Debbie Downer as hard as possible. She complains about the heat, the sweat, the HAVING TO WORK while we all roll our eyes. Courtney appears to be one of those people who think being dissatisfied is a character trait. Like SO much fun.

Tanner thinks she's looking for a sugar-daddy. There's nothing I can add to that except something unkind about her chances, so I'll just let that stand.

Chief stewardess Kat Chastain doses Kevin with something to sloooow him down; just as the guests head back to the boat.

Kate runs stewardess Simone Mashile through the dinner plan while Courtney takes a two hour break; I'm concerned about the amount of coordination that is going to take. There will be a supper for 5 on one side of the boat and a romantic dinner for two on the other side which will involve a marriage proposal. We've got a poopy chef, one chief stew, one tired stew and one inexperienced server. So.

Kate even takes the time to walk Primary Michael through his proposal plan, but he thinks he has it. She thinks his megayacht-chartering-arse will be able to just throw a ring at his girlfriend's face and walk off with the prize and she's probably not wrong.

Bosun Ashton Pienaar (whom I've only just learned used to be an exotic dancer! Thanks in the comments!) directs his crew off and on, but mostly it's boring so I'm skipping past it for you guys. Lead deckhand Brian de Saint Pern along with deckhands Tanner and Abbi Murphy seem to be doing fine.

Abbi complains about switching into her fancy dress blacks for supper, didn't she just have fancy dress whites on? Can't she just CHILL? No. No you may not, my gingery pal.

Kevin's making as basic a meal as possible; nobody's gonna Instagram surf and turf, buddy. Ohhh, it's Wayguuuu, said nobody ever. He's using a Princess sous vide machine to cook the lobster, which is keeping us company by dinging incessantly.

Kate gets her chance to practice accepting a proposal with Tanner, who has a bit of a crush.

Lauren Weisberger the author of 'The Devil Wears Prada' also wrote a book called 'Chasing Harry Winston' and this very topic came up re: weddings. You're minutes away from walking down the aisle and you find your significant other locked in fragrante delicto with your best person? "You walk." Down the aisle, then into a divorce attorney's office and on to planning the wedding you actually want. Cheers!

The guests dress for dinner, either the lighting is unkind on this ship or the guests had a hard day on the beach because I'm seeing a lot of ruddiness.

Kevin is ready for roll for supper, but Kate and Simone are downstairs and all the guests are upstairs on the Bunny Pad by themselves. Is...anyone watching over them? This red wine isn't going to pour itself!

Kate finally gathers the guests into the two separate dinners; I am super disappointed by the outside table on Valor! The one on Sirocco is muuuuuch prettier. This could be a boardroom table in a third-rateĀ  hedge fund.

No way Primary Samantha doesn't know she's in for a Special Night, given that she and her longtime boyfriend are dining under the stars with a violinist for accompaniment. The other guests have figured it out too, they laugh as poor Primary Michael looks to be sweating out of his eyes.

Tanner shit-talks Courtney in the crew mess to the rest of the deck crew; Brian kinda liked her until then! Ashton sends Brian and Tanner to bed, he and Abbi will be on lates again.They listen to the violin from above as Michael goes into his pitch.

Which Kate RUINS by clearing the table just then.

Back to it, awww, she cries and maybe I even cry even though it's so expected and typical. And I hate weddings. Although I am maybe slightly less militant about that than I was.

Abbi and Ashton are getting to know each other, she's in an open relationship with a hawt captain named Patrick. He's SUPER cute. She's sort of in love with him, but doesn't believe in possessing anyone or being possessed either. Yay!! Chattel no more!

That's a funny contrast to what's happening with the guests.

Captain Lee Rosbach comes up above deck to congratulate the happy couple, who spend some time Skyping their dog and showing off the good ring.

We skip right past the rest of the night, then we go right to the morning and breakfast. No shenanigans, crew? Tsk. Courtney irons poorly while Simone helps serve vittles. I felt bad for Primary Samantha when one of the other guests joked about her waiting so long during dating, to be followed by an even longer engagement period. Boooo. Oh nooooo, I ran that back, it was her fiance who said that!

This is the last morning on ship for these guys, Abbi has an important job that she flubs by just a little bit on the first try. Time for guest lineup!!

Michael forgets to hand over the tip, Samantha has to tap him on his back pocket to remind him. You see why he keeps her around?

*I hate absolutely everything about that whole scene

Time to flip the boat!! Show us the tiiiippppp

Instead we watch Abbi get to know Brian a bit, or rather we getta know her some more. She's a smart cookie, graduated valedictorian of her class and earned a full law school scholarship (that she abandoned to go play on sailboats) while going through periods of homelessness. She totally is badass.

Tip Meeting in the Crew Mess, wooooooo!! Captain Lee wants to talk first, fineeeee, ohhh and Kevin complains about Kate's service. Oh no you did NOT. Okay, never mind, we're onto the tip and it's $17,000 or $1,500 each. I had guessed 18k based on nothing so I was ballpark.

Party time!! After cleaning the boat, of course. The deckhands decide to do backflips off the bow, because when you're that fit and young: why wouldn't you?

Man. Kevin cracks himself in the tooth with a beer bottle while getting ready, how is this man walking around all day without help? Ashton sprays himself with 'sex potion' and we're ready to go out!

Tanner is kind of growing on me, he's chill and lanky and doesn't take himself too seriously. Brian works on Courtney, but he's got competition from Ashton. Tanner is completely focused on older woman Kate, he thinks cougars are fun.

*I just realised I *would* be considered a cougar and am suddenly so happy that I am far, far away from any such allusions in cold Canada in pajamas on a Friday night.

Wondering how old Kevin is...I like a man who knows the value of a labelmaker.

Drinks continue late into the night, Simone and Ashton dancing before Tanner hits the floor to do an energetic Worm. Courtney pouts and yawns.

Ashton breaks away from the herd to hit on beautiful women, while Abbi talks about how hot he is to Tanner. Tanner does not take offense and encourages her to bang Ashton, she looks beautiful! She makes her move.

Courtney is totally over Brian telling her to laugh more; she tells him to be funnier. Then she complains to Simone in the crew mess and while she's not wrong: she complains a LOT.

The deck crew hits the Bunny Pad, everyone leaves one by one until it's just Ashton and Abbi cuddling up there until morning. Abbi thinks it would have been less awkward if they'd actually banged it out.

Kate is suuuuuuper hungover, I think she's the only one! Everyone gets to work except braindead Tanner (he said it!), Brian has to be told about the taxi conversation as he doesn't remember. Kevin tells us about his six year old daughter Billie, but no pics yet. I am okay with that! I try not to post pics of my kiddos online either.

Abbi jokingly accuses Ashton of "trying to get it in" with her, they laugh it off and I think all is well. Brian makes a halting apology to Courtney, who accepts it nicely. She will NOT forget!

Simone and Ashton visit a bit, they both don't want a regular old 9 to 5 job. Simone speaks a metric tonne of languages, she's so purty! And 29 like Ashton.

Preference Sheet Meeting Time!! Who've we got!! The incoming Primary Charter Guests are Helen Hoey and Richard Fiore. Hm. Apparently they're repeat guests, but I don't remember them. Were they from last season? I missed it. Dang, it was, fine.

They're going to be fishing and eating their catch, then an island tour, etc etc.

Tanner calls his parents, of COURSE he's a Mama's boy. His mom asks if there were any hookers at the party the night before *record scratch*. She ends the conversation with "Don't get anyone pregnant!"

Abbi's lost her radio, guess who finds it? NO, GUESS? Hai Captain Lee! She searches and searches while Captain Lee calls the whole deck crew up to the bridge to freak out on everyone.

Provisions are heyah! Kevin calls the interior crew in for a Come to Jeebus meeting and lays out his exact and specific plan for meal service while Kate and her RBF look on.

Time to switch into whites, the guests are on their way! Oh. They look like a handful.

One of the guests appears to be already fully in the bag, stumbling along, her name is Brandy but I'd put money she couldn't tell us that right now.

Kate takes everyone on the boat tour while the deckhands unload luggage. Poor Brandy is barely hanging on, hyperventilating and about passing out in the master suite.

And we're out! Have a great day and a lovely weekend, I will try to get some Russian Doll out shortly!