Below Deck S7:E06 Penis Ravine Recap

Below Deck is having an exciting week, we've got one crew member stripping, another getting married, still another puking and as always: Chief Stew Kate Chastain laughing at it all. Laughing inside. Let's roll into S7:E06 Penis Ravine right skippy coz I'm LATE!.

Okay! It was bosun Ashton Pienaar who stripped for our ecstatic charter guests last episode, deckhand Abbi Murphy who got engaged and poor deckhand Tanner Sterback who couldn't stop hurling. The deck crew had ALL the screen time last time, even though chef Kevin Dobson made a ten course meal! TEN!

Lead deckhand Brian de Saint Pern comes across a crying Abbi below deck being comforted by second stew Simone Mashile, what's up?

One more thing: the freshly engaged (by text) Abbi has now decided yacht life is no good for her, she needs to duck out of the negativity (and possibly go see her hawt captain fiance Patrick) and quit. All this possibly because she got yelled at for getting too drunk and not showing up for work on time for her shift the following day.

I mean.

She just thinks she should be happy all the time!


Life is not about happiness, life is about getting shit done and every once in while happiness comes in and shines through the garbage and reminds you why you're getting shit done anyway. Go be with your captain, we get it, just don't call it anything other than that, yo.

Primary Charter Guest Dr. Sink McCall and her friends do shots and play with the water toys while chef Kevin Dobson plans and plans his menu. Captain Lee Rosbach will be joining the guests for supper this evening and Kevin canNOT mess this up. Last time the Captain dined with guests, Kevin ate the captain's entree and served him nothing but garnish. Kevin's got some catching up to do.

Brian takes Ashton aside to explain the Abbi Situation, Ashton's off to see what he can fix. Abbi cries again with Ashton, she just hates the job. Ashton's very understanding, asking if she wants to leave now or after the charter and she agrees to finish out the trip and "kind of work."

This is a big contrast to deckhand Colin Macy O'Toole trying to quit on Below Deck Mediterranean, he got mommed right back into staying by Captain Sandy Yawn. Not that I know if Captain Sandy is a mom or not.

Captain Lee shows his face above deck, I totally get why he's been hiding on the bridge; these ladies are determined cackhounds. Nobody is safe! He's had a really nice waterpark set up for them, that looks great! I almost want to go to Thailand to see but again: Nope.

Chief stew Kate Chastain and third stew Courtney Skippon plan the dinner party while Kevin works in his massive galley, it's called a Full Moon Party and involves shirtless male crew members with bodypaint.


Ashton explains the Abbi Situation to Captain Lee, who immediately slides in one of his old-timey sayings. "Classic example of mouth writing a cheque your ass can't cash."

I also don't understand how Abbi can treat work this casually, but she's young. It's not like she's worried about her pension, right?

There's no way they'll get a replacement before the next charter, so they'll be short for that and oh yeah: Tanner's still quick sick, not that anyone cares.

He hasn't eaten in three days and when he says he thinks he might throw up and is gonna go take some pain medication, they tell him to get his shit together.

But they told ABBI (who is perfectly healthy and maybe missing her brand new fiance and an easier life) that they totally understand and it would be great if she could just help out a little until she skates off into the blue yonder.

Kate sends Simone off to the beach with the guests, Simone is so happy to be out of the laundry room! To be clear: Simone is awesome in the laundry room and irons like nobody's business, but she's really wanted to get more into the guest side of things and this is a shot. This is also a beach party, whuuup whuup, I am so excited to see how much more positive she's going to be than Courtney, who complained literally the whole time she served at the last beach party.

Is Kevin opening a jar of Ragu??

Lookit this!! I would totally do this!!

Unless there is stuff in that water that would like to touch me? Is there??

Simone and Ashton chitchat on the beach, I think they're trying to build a storyline about Simone being kept in the laundry room instead of Courtney and I dunno. Simone really likes laundry and Courtney is better with drinks, but Simone has more experience and needs more time out of that room. Simone is pretty chill, though, she's a good team player.

Again: I don't think that's Courtney's strong suit.

Kevin's making beef tongue for supper??? Kate and I are grossed out.

Kate heads downstairs into Abbi's bunk (Abbi's done zero work today too - wait, am I being too harsh on her? I guess I haven't been or worked with young people for a long time, this just seems like so much bullshit. I should be more kind), shocked to hear that Abbi's leaving. Is Abbi really sure?

Is Kevin really sure about serving beef tongue???? What the. We getta see it? And he talks about the squishy. I am gonna need a moment.

The guests dress for dinner as Kevin works on supper and Tanner tries not to throw up again. Speaking of throwing up (thanks for that again, Bravo!), Kate's come up with a signature cocktail with mushrooms innit.


The Captain is at the table watching every single thing but so far the only thing to look at are the plastic buckets full of booze and mushrooms.


Captain Lee...well. He's mad at Kevin because he thinks Kevin disrespected his rank, so instead of SAYING that, he's picking and picking at Kevin's food, which looks quite excellent except for when it's missing because he ate it. This management style is not my very favourite.

Captain Lee calls Kevin's complicated dish "outstanding" yay! But up next is the Beef Tongue on Schmear...will it make it through? He said it's like foie gras in the middle, I have all my appendages crossed for him that it goes over well.

But I totally wouldn't eat it, hellz no.

It goes over well, whew. Of course it did! Chef Ben Robinson of both Below Deck AND Below Deck Mediterranean just had a similar experience where he fed snails to a woman who insisted she hated escargot: chefs all like a challenge.

Just: keep the offal to yoself.

Abbi is sent to bed after her hard day (she caught one rope then went back downstairs. Tanner, by contrast, worked all day in the hot sun on a completely empty stomach, throwing up when he could) to text her fiance while Tanner tries not to throw up on himself and the the rest of the deck crew goes downstairs to get bodypainted.

The guests are VERY excited by the topless deck crew serving dessert, almost as much as Kate was seeing Brian's aggressive 'penis ravine'.

I always call that area 'the Davids' because that's what Matthew McConaughey calls them and he oughtta know.

Kevin cleans, sweeps and organizes his galley, waiting for the review from the Captain. And it's positive, yay! He was impressed, yay!

It's the next morning, poor Tanner can't even make it out of bed. Thankfully, Abbi's sulkily mopping the deck so.

Kate sends Courtney to iron and Simone to do the rooms, Courtney literally whines the whole time. Why can't Simone do the ironing? HONESTLY. Courtney sits on a high chair and irons sideways while chatting with Brian. The combination of inefficiency and whining might push me over the edge.

Kate checks on a puking Tanner, awww, poor kiddo. Ashton tells Abbi to have her shite packed for when the guests leave. She seems taken aback, but he's got other stuff to do, right? She's leaving, so seeyakthxbai. She's confused and a little upset, she didn't think that far ahead.

Kate is the first person to tell Captain Lee that Tanner is sick, I can't think why Ashton didn't yet. Tanner's been throwing up for four days straight, surely that would warrant a mention?

Brian shares a bit of his family backstory with us and Courtney, he didn't have a good childhood which is motivating him to be a better parent for his daughter.

With Tanner down and Abbi packing, Kevin is pulled in to help dock the superyacht. He's pitched in to help clean too, he's a great team member. He's also adorable, runs and keeps an organized kitchen. He's basically a really goodlooking male version of me!

Guest departure goes well, show us the tippppp!! It looks nice and chunky, I like that!

Captain Lee calls Ashton and Abbi up to the bridge for her extremely brief exit interview, that shows his disdain. He's not even gonna waste his breath on you, Abbs.

The rest of the deck crew says goodbye with ambivalence, they're glad she's going somewhere she'll be happier, but with her gone there's going to be a lot more work ahead.

It's time for the Tip Meeting in the Crew Mess, wooooo!! I was guessing $20k and I was close: $19k, which is $1700 each, wooooo! That's not bad! Captain Lee called a doctor for Tanner, they might be going into the next charter two people down so we'll see.

You know, Tanner called himself a FLID in the beginning and I wasn't sure how to take him but he's a really cool guy. He tried to refuse the tip but the Captain wouldn't let him, a complete contrast to how other people who didn't work at all took their share without a blink.

Tanner picked up a viral infection of the belly, he should be good tomorrow.

Brian works his bum off then asks Ashton if he can take the tender out, turns out with Courtney! They drink beers in the water under the sun, awww, so cute. She usually just dates men for their personalities, it's always a surprise when they turn out to be hot!

Wait, what? Simone likes Tanner?? She's bummed he's not making it out for partying tonight, but he likes Kate! Kate's even sort of committed to possibly banging him by accident while schwasted.


Captain Lee calls a previous crew member to return...who?? WHO?? Is it Kyle?? It's Kyle, right?

The crew dresses to go out and heads to a club called Library! It's genius, books everywhere and it would be totally lost on me because I would be reading in the corner and not doing any of the stuff you're supposed to do in a club.

Lookit this!

Simone has found "the one," it's this club.

Ashton is ready to go after Courtney, he's confident and likes a bit of competition. Brian tries sending him after Kate, let's see how that works out! Kevin looks really cute, but then I like guys with glasses.

Courtney thinks Ashton is trying way too hard. It's gross. Brian sticks his finger in her mouth then goes in for the kiss, which apparently is *not* trying too hard.

(Brian is much, much cuter than Ashton. Even if you're just into personalities)

Ashton grabs Kate, standing right next to Courtney, and kisses her for a full minute. Kate is not down. Kate is confused, is this New Years? She would like Ashton to not use her mouth "as a receptacle for insecurity and jealousy."

Time to leave the bar! Ashton confronts Courtney in the crew mess, is she into Brian or what? Brian wanders in to find Ashton drunkenly hitting on Courtney and heads to bed, right before Courtney who gets tired of Ashton's backhanded compliments real fast. "You're not as old as you look"

Do they not actually listen to how whiny this girl is? She complains almost every moment she's awake, why is everyone trying to get with her? Isn't that exhausting?

Oh, never mind, Ashton's not really interested in what anyone is saying, anyway. I mean, he's interested in mouths, but he's "tired of working so hard to get (my) d*** sucked." You know women can smell that type of desperation, right? It's a combination of Axe Bodyspray, dried sweat and Nope.

Until next time, you guys! Cheers.