Wooooo welcome back to Below Deck where we have new people on board and a brewing love triangle in the works! And that’s just the crew! Let’s see where we end up with our intrepid gang of drunk/hungover yachties on S7:E08 after the break!

Oh. Right. We have Michael Blackton and all his college fratbros on board, I think I blocked them out. We lost newly engaged deckhand Abbi Murphy and have gained previous deckhand Riley, whoops, Rhylee Gerber. Rhy.lee.

Bosun Ashton Pienaar is not happy at all about his reunion with Rhylee, even less so about his lead deckhand Brian de Saint Pern’s infected knee. The deck crew is having a hard run in Thailand!

On to the show, where it’s Pirate Day and chief stewardess Kate Chastain is ready!

Captain Lee Rosbach explains that bringing back Rhylee was his call, his decision and oh right: we’ve yet to meet her. Well, I missed last season (IT WAS A VERY COMPLICATED TIME), so I didn’t see her fight with literally everyone on the ship, but Captain Lee liked her work ethic, so here we are.

Ashton implies she’s straight up Dramz but thanks the Captain for the heads-up, it’s time to head to the galley because it’s breakfast! Nawwww, Chef Kevin Dobson looks adorable in his wee pirate hat!

*He can’t ever tell when Kate is making fun of him, spoiler alert: she’s always making fun of you, Kevin.

Ashton informs Brian and deckhand Tanner Sterback about Rhylee’s impending arrival, keep her informed! Brian asks if Ashton is interested in Rhylee, because apparently we’re in some Love Island scenario, but nope, “that’s a hard no.”

Captain Lee informs Kate about the return of Rhylee, she thinks that’s perfect for Pirate Day!

*Cut to Rhylee fighting with Kate about “doing whatever the f**k” she wants to do but they ended on a good note!

Kevin arranges for service with third stew Courtney Skippon, asking the deck crew for assistance but not…Kate. Who is in charge of service. He thinks she doesn’t understand service or fine dining, just drive through fast food windows and hold up. What. Is he high?

Second stew Simone Mashile finishes up breakfast service and heads to clean the cabins while Ashton flirts with the guests. Okay, just one guest, Shaely of the uncomfortable swimsuit that’s been riding his jock the whole charter.

I would say something about sexual harassment because I’m like that, but I can’t get a handle on this situation. She’s a guest, so she has the power, but not the Primary Charter Guest, so not much. So far it seems to be mutual?

She calls him her forbidden fruit while admiring his big..pirate..sword and warns him that he better watch out. This is awkward.

Almost as awkward as Simone ducking Primary Charter Guests Michael Blackstock but again: he has alllll the power here. She has to duck questions about her pirate garter and joking MySpace adding requests, this is emotional labour!

*I only bring that up because someone went on a Twitterrampage about it and it’s in my head. Emotional labour is not a woman listening to you cry and you give her five bucks, it’s plastering a smile on your face while in the service industry to make sure your patron isn’t unhappy, ever, whatever gross shite they say. Both Simone and Ashton are doing this right now!

Rhylee is coming to aship mid-charter because of how short-handed everyone else, she’ll let Tanner put her bag away as long as he understands that SHE COULD DO IT IF SHE WANTED TO. She’s just gonna check in with Captain Lee first.

Wow, she is wearing the shortest Daisy Duke shorts ever, they’re like underwear. And erm, it must be cold on the bridge with the captain. She has GREAT teeth. Those are my first impressions, y’all!

Hey, I haven’t heard that one before, Captain Lee! Wooooo new old-timey sayings from Skinny Kenny Rogers! This is related to not writing a cheque your bum can’t cash as he said about Abbi.

Ashton is called to the bridge, he tries his best to not be openly rude immediately, so there’s that.

Brian is not comfortable sitting around while other people work, Rhylee is more interested in working him over. He is adorable.

Primary Michael follows Simone into the galley to badly flirt, Kevin’s uncomfortable just listening and he doesn’t have a target on his bum like she does.

Courtney and Brian flirt while Simone struggles to understand what an iced coffee involves. I think…Shaely is giving Primary Michael a lapdance? Then Rhylee has to carry Primary Michael over to a chair because he’s basically the worst. And drunk.

Kevin serves a light and gorgeous salad for lunch, for sure the guests are going to appreciate his food because they’re not shitfaced and completely out of it.

Having a lap full of icewater hasn’t slowed Primary Michael down a wit, he’s still following Simone around with wonderful witticisms like “once you go white…” Kate pulls Simone off service.

Time for the sunset cruise! Kevin works on some neat food with lots of colour.

Shaely isn’t easing up on hitting on Ashton, she has her leg wrapped under his and suggests he knock on her cabin door in the morning. If he did, he’d be fired immediately.

*I think I went to Jasper with this lady in my twenties. Poor service workers.

The guests get back to Valor after their sunset cruise and dress for dinner, everyone looks fancy! Captain Lee joins the “lit” gang for supper.

So. Kevin is not letting Kate direct service at all, he’s decided that the “girls” will serve the side dishes and the “boys” will deliver the meat. Kate calls it very “sister wives” and she’s not wrong.

Kate confronts Kevin in the crew mess, he took her job without consulting her, making her and her girls “side bitches.” She asks if they can work together on future menus, but he still doesn’t have that faith in her.

It’s almost 1 am and Primary Michael is STILL following Simone around. Look at her roll her eyes at the camera right in front of him, that’s how frustrated she’s getting.

Simone and Courtney chitchat about Simone’s trying day, it was so different from yesterday when she got to flirt with Tanner. She has a cruuuuussshhhh.

Everyone goes to bed, finally!

It’s first thing in the morning and it’s already 96 degrees out, mannnnn. Hard pass. Rhylee and Tanner set up the slide and get to know each other a little bit.

Captain Lee gets an unwelcome visit from Primary Michael, look how uncomfortable he is and he only had to deal for like 10 minutes! Then the Primary pops into the galley to ask for a chicken stirfry. At 7:30 am.

Brian’s knee is worse instead of better in the morning, he can’t even walk on it and it’s hot to the touch. We need another doctor stat! Ashton walks Rhylee through taking up the anchor and it’s time to drop off these guests, yay! Everyone is so excited to see the backs of these arseholes.

Shaely takes her defeat gracefully, she tells Ashton he can find her if he just spells her name right. I zipped off to The Google to do that, but…nothing.

*That’s why I don’t post my name, because if you spell it right there are very few of us. Hi!

Primary Michael hands off a fat envelope, saying it will leave them speechless to Captain Lee and everyone hits the deck to get ready for the next charter. Poor Brian is sent to meet the doctor again and gets an antibiotic injection in his bum.

*Side note, I recently had to get medical care and received two injections, both in my hips. That was a revelation, it doesn’t hurt! I have hurt-proof hips! I always want needles in my hips from now on! I hope that isn’t uncomfortable for the blood drive folks.

Tip Meeting, woooo!! Lemme guess…it better be at LEAST $25k after the shit that primary guest pulled, Captain Lee says he’d rather be pulled through a knothole in a fence backwards by his d*ck than have to deal with these guests again. Everyone agrees.

What. The Primary left only $15K? Are you kidding me?? I bet people cringe when he walks into their restaurants and pubs.

Captain Lee offers his gratitude and releases the crew to party that night, but awww Courtney doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay with Brian!

*I’d believe that more if I didn’t just see her do all her makeup.

Kevin’s in a great mood, even with the crappy tip!

Party time! Kevin and Rhylee get into it right away at dinner when she asks him to order something Paleo. Keto/paleo but she’s not actually following either, really, so order something lower in calories so she can drink more.

…

That’s so…dumb. That’s like when I went on a trip with someone who would quiz the waitstaff over and over as to whether anything had any sugar or anything sweetened, then made pancakes with syrup one morning.

Kate is mortified. Tanner and Kevin sit on the beach together so Kevin can bitch and bitch. When Kevin comes back to the table, he sits in another chair away from her. Simone, for one, is happy that Kevin is getting taken to task.

Ashton takes Kevin to the beach for a bitch session, things escalate quickly when Rhylee joins them. She’s….already up my nose, so I can’t imagine how these people feel. Ashton finally loses it, shouting at Rhylee to shut up so she can f**king hear him.

This..is all because Kate asked Kevin to order for the table and Rhylee asked for some Paleo options. It ends with Ashton telling Rhylee to go be on a charter boat in Alaska, which sounds like she should go back to Party City where she belongs! That. Made zero sense. Who gets that mad when someone asks them to order specific food? Who gets that antagonistic when told to order their own food?

Anyway! Rhylee’s made quite an impression and I guess that’s the point. Until next time, you guys! Cheers