Have you guys heard of this new Showtime series Billions? It has SkinnyHenryTheEighth and Paul Giamatti from Sideways, so I thought I’d give it a shot. PGiamatti has a lifetime pass from me for Sideways as does Thomas Hayden Church. But I digress: let’s meet the gang!

We open with a hogtied (is that the arms and legs or specifically behind the back? Continuity!!) Chuck Rhoades (Giamatti); he’s a U.S. Attorney but he doesn’t look at that powerful right now, what with the ropes plus ginch look going on. He’s lost weight and looks younger, wow, atta boy PG! Oh, a booted lady tells us this is exactly what a Big Kahuna needs for a little downtime: some bum-whipping and tension relief. He HAS been a bad boy! She says she might leave marks and his “that’s not a great idea” is NOT a no, so she goes ahead and burns him on the chest with her cigarette in it’s fancy Breakfast at Tiffany’s holder. Two things: 1) I like a little spanky-spanky as much as the next suburban housewife, but cigarette burns seem like HAYULL NO and 2) safe words and clear communication are just so key to a good grown-up funtime session. And then she pees on the burn to “fix” it. Wow. I’m a little outta my depth here.

Chuck’s team is working hard on his re-election and political career, and now we see him clothed. Yay! In between taking important-sounding phone calls, in bursts justice in the form of Ari Spyros (Stephen Kunken) of the FCC who has sticky panties (his words! honest!) about the suspect trading patterns of Pepsum Pharmaceuticals: there was a days-long buy spike! Do I have to revert to baked goods analogies or are you guys gonna lay this out in layman’s terms for this dummy? Well, they do simplify somewhat; Spyros figures the three firms had inside information and they all have links to Bobby Axelrod (Damian Lewis). Who’s Bobby Axelrod?

Why, he’s Bobby Fcuking Axelrod, Man of the People and Chuck doesn’t sound all that happy to be coming up against him. Meanwhile, Bobby’s enjoying a pizza slice with his wife Lara (Malin Ackerman)

when in walks his contracting buddy and hey! Bobby doesn’t just fcuking love the pizza, he wants ALLS the pizza. He offers to buy his childhood neighbourhood pizza joint and it’s all very Brooklyn. It’s taking me a little while to believe Damian Lewis’s DeNiro accent, I’ll give him an epi to get it together. These Brits have a hard time sounding American-tough, which is crazy, because nobody sounds more badass than Terrence Stamp (in OR out of drag) and he’s English AF.

Hometown Brooklyn Bobby no more, Axelrod strides through his empire while YesMen in adorable sweaters pitch inside stock information at him. One is Danzig and I sure hope these details aren’t important because if all sounded like blah stock blah annualized but the words “Scott Kazawitz will be president” of the newly forming company stop our Bobby in his tracks. YesMan number one has a new analyst with him: Ben (Daniel K. Issac)

Who Bobby calls Stanford-Wharton due to Ben’s fancy edumacation. Bobby takes Stanford-Wharton thoroughly to school about this supposedly amazing merger; it’s an object lesson on not underestimating your boss and to get your shite straight before approach.

Back in the US Attorney’s office, Spyros is foaming at the mouth at the possibly criminal actions of Bobby Fcuking Axelrod, Chuck is not convinced. Spyros takes a personal shot at Chuck about his wife, I’m sure we’ll find out about this in a bit!

A very nervous looking Bobby preps himself in the bathroom before giving a speech to a bunch of interns he will be sponsoring through their higher education. Maybe not interns; these look like legacies, all their fathers worked with Bobby before. A woman named June questions why Bobby made it through 9-11 and her husband didn’t. As a matter of fact, he was the ONLY partner from the firm spared in 9-11 and he figured it was to get through for everyone. Everyone lost someone that day, including Lara, who lost a brother. Cannot.snark.9-11.

Back at Chuck’s office, he eats takeout and compares Bobby Axelrod to Mike Tyson in his prime; which is his reason for not accepting Syros’s case against Axelrod. Chuck doesn’t wanna lose his perfect 81-0 record, he wants to wait until Bobby will go down in fifteen seconds after a couple of kidney punches. Oooh, I’ve heard this lately: A good matador doesn’t try to kill a fresh bull. Says Chuck, in between mentions of Eliot Spitzer and let’s just say I wouldn’t be looking under THOSE particular rocks, Mr. GlassHouse.

Holleee shite, Chuck’s right hand man Bryan is TASMANIAN actor Toby Leonard Moore and how cool is that?? I know a Tasmanian! Toby’s from Hobart! Anyway, he asks Chuck is there is trouble with prosecuting given Chuck’s home life and um. Probably, but Chuck swears no.

Back at Axelrod’s office, Lara is comforting June and we get her backstory. Large Irish family, rough and tumble, was a little tough coming into the investing scene. She warns June about making her beef public and when asked if she’s threatening June, wins my heart when she says “fcuking right I am”.

Staffer GreatHair stops Chuck to tell him some important news: Bobby Axelrod is buying a house…right next to Chuck’s dad in a fancy, fancy neighbourhood on the beach for 83 million dollars. Woo hoo full frontal Damian Lewis nudity, I was NOT expecting that! Thank you, Showtime!

Danzig is in talking to Wendy (Maggie Siff) about his lost mojo, who is Dr. Mojo and also Chuck’s wife. That’s an odd juxtaposition. I wonder how that happened? I may have about swallowed my tongue when she says regular married sex at ten years is “down to once a day” but Danzig is down .4 in his book and that means? She gives him a profane pep talk and it’s all very chest thumpy and I wonder exactly what type of terropist she is. She’s fantastic and I’m wondering how in the HELL she ended up married to Schumpy Rhoades there.

At Chez Schlumpy Rhoades we meet their adorable children an ahhh I’m guessing a marriage not of Tru Blove, but convenience. Chuck makes a suggestion about her changing her job; it’s not well received. Did you know she makes 8 times what he does? That’s gotta burn a little. Husband / wife struggle! Guessing this one doesn’t end in bed, given that they have the chemistry of paint drying.

Now at Bobby’s house, we get to see the opposite of WASP sturm and drang with the rough and tumble Axelrods. With their personal Chef Ryan. And the dog peeing on the kitchen floor while they eat. Bobby sees this as a teachable moment to explain pissing matches to his sons; I’m just whiteknuckling through a continued supper over the top of dog pee. Oh great! One son hustles the other brother and the second one has to do pushups. RIGHT NEXT TO THE PEE. I need an Ambien and a drink.

Chuck has a totally awks convo with his dad Chuck Rhodes Sr. about someone named Skip that Jr. prosecuted late last year. Jr. plays hardball and no deal for Skip! I am worried that Skip is gonna do something rash and that Sr. is gonna have a coronary. Jr. talks a LOT and he seems kind and there is crying, but there is too much soap opera music and this show would do well to get whoever does the scoring for The Knick and Mr. Robot involved.

Hey!!!! It’s Gael from Breaking Bad!!! He’s shown up at Bobby’s kiddo’s basketball game and there is a strangely hushed  meeting with two other guys to discuss aluminum wheels on cars and Superior Automotive; Baldie is very assured (“I am not uncertain” which I must use immediately), having inspected the Superior Automotive factory personally. Wow. I am starting to understand that Bobby is a very complex man; equal parts Mob Boss and Wall Street Robber Baron.

Chuck is having a press conference to talk about the successful Skip prosecution and laud his superlative track record in prosecuting financial crime (81-0, I wonder how many MOAR times we’ll hear that today??) when he is braced quite firmly by a reporter from the Journal about his reluctance to go after Axe Capital and even questioned about his wife’s position there.

Chuck is all flustered after and tells Bryan to tell his ex-law professor friend to tell Axe not to buy Norton’s fancy house. Is that a threat? I can’t tell. Chuck accuses Spyros of sending in the reporter and it’s all screamy and small-dick-shamey.

Bryan meets up with his ex-law professor, who has grown sleek and chubby like an overfed seal on Axe’s teat. He waves his money at Bryan, who doesn’t have earthly needs like $1.4m to start, he has a CALLING. The message is not received, the house sale as gauntlet throw will go through and the ex-law professor says Bobby is clean. Since we know exactly the opposite, he must be basing that on his presumed ability to cover up Bobby’s shite.

Bobby has called in his top shrink to help him with his house-hunting woes; he calls being a billionaire like being a woman with a perfect set of t*ts. Or great legs. Or eyes like hers. *raspberry*. You know what everyone is looking at and what they want. Anyway, they’ve been working through his need to buy things to flex power and inability to handle outside authority and she talks him out of buying the house. Danzig walks in to wave his $18m penis around and the reason that Wendy came to see Bobby finally comes up. She’s thinking about leaving; she feels her talents, her other muscles aren’t being flexed and she’s bored. Soap opera music again, seriously, feck off with that! Between that and all the meaningful eye contact with Danzig, I’m just about done with all these sloppy transitions.

Chuck Jr. goes after Sr. about trying to influence him in the Skip decision, awww, apparently it was all on purpose to make Jr. seem super duper tough! They talk about Axelrod buying the house and this is actually the crux of the show. Sr. thinks Bobby buying the house is a mistake, it will take him from everyday hero and man of the people to just another rich ahole. Jr. explains it thusly: if Bobby takes his warning seriously and walks away from the house sale, he will take him as innocent. But if Bobby’s dirty, he won’t be able to walk away from the chance to slap Chuck’s face with his “cleanliness” with that 83 million dollar heritage house.

Yay! Chuck’s mom is Deborah Rush! I love her!! And while Sr. questions Wendy’s continued employment at Axe Capital, Chuck defends her but says she’ll do the right thing. And that his mom never left the kitchen. WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT??

Bobby’s having a meeting with Danny Fcuking Margolis (Danny Cosgrove) and maybe Fcuking is like Marie as a middle name? Every French Canadian I ever met has the middle name Marie and maybe Fcuking is the Brooklyn version. Anyway, Danny’s been away for a while doing his own things but his hands are sweaty and he…wants back in? Bobby sends him packing and ooooh secret safe time! Off Danny drives in his teal Lamborghini while Bobby calls Hall for a meeting. Hall (Terry Kinney) must be his undercover guy; he’s already found out that Margolis was arrested and is probably working for the feds. And Hall is indeed right, Danny was wired.

Hall suggests that Bobby keep Danny nice and close, instead of killing him, which is Hall’s other speciality, I gather, and I think he’s suggesting that Bobby use Danny as the fall guy. Something about not having to outswim the shark, just the other scuba diver. Hall and Bobby bonded in Reykjavik over Bobby’s fear of Men in Windbreakers shutting him down; Hall offers a little insurance to make sure that doesn’t happen in the form of Steven Birch as the other scuba diver. As Hall is leaving, Bobby tells him about Wendy trying to quit and alllls the red flags are waving for these two very paranoid gentlemen. After 15 years fighting back to back in the trenches, she’s trying to get oot and Bobby now has her marked as Them instead of Us.

Bobby is taking a lunch with the obstreperous Journal reporter who hassled Chuck so thoroughly. They bond over being poor kids and Bobby’s refusal to discuss the kids he’s putting through school; man of the people, right? Too modest to advertise his philanthropy because that’s for rich aholes. And rich aholes used to be the get; the revered, the respected, who everyone wanted to be. Now they’re regarded with suspicion and BOO FCUKING HOO BOBBY. CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP ON YOUR BILLIONS YOU WANKSTER.

Ooooh and the journalist calls him a Bankster and that is just too perfect. Bobby pretends to reluctantly hand him a story…in the name of Steven Birch. Ooooh, such an armtwister this guy. No way I’d be suspicious about someone I called shady giving me someone else’s name!

The panel with Steven Birch and Bobby is on oh! Steven Birch is Jerry O’Connell!

I LOVE JERRY O’CONNELL!! Stand By Me 4EVA!! I’m embarrassing myself, aren’t I? Nevermind me, the host is asking them if it’s true that hedge funds are scavengers with undue influence and Bobby argues that hedge funds are white blood cells and part of what regulates the open market.

Chuck walks in, sits down and the showdown begins. Bobby says ” the moment I let someone in a board room, or a government office tell me what I can or cannot buy, I might as well close the shop. And I’m not closing the shop.” *meaningful eyecuddling*

Pissing match alert in the hallway! Bryan goes after Gael while Chuck and Bobby size each other up as the main event. Chuck baits Bobby about the beach house; Bobby volleys back an emasculating remark about Chuck staying at his Daddy’s place and Chuck snaps first. “Walk away” he hisses as I try not to hurt myself rolling my eyes at this dialogue. Bobby comes back with “What’s the point of having “fuck you” money if you never say “fuck you”?” and that’s a good point, yo. Oh my goodness, so much posturing, little bantam roosters clucking around showing off in this ridiculous cock fight. I mean. Chuck brings up 9-11. For the love of.

Moment of truth time; Wags (that’s Gael!!), calls Bobby during meditation time to advise that Chuck Sr.’s friend has come in with an offer of 62 million for the Norton house: should Wags close for Bobby or not…?

Did I mention that Bobby’s peeing German Sheppard has a cone of shame because he’s just been fixed? WHADDAYA THINK BOBBY’S GONNA THINK OF THAT?? Of course, he decides to offer on the house; game is on and the die is cast. And lots of other things that mean “you’re a predictable moron, Bobby”

Chuck’s phone rings and damnit, I was right. It’s Mike the reporter and he wants a comment on Skip committing suicide. I knew that was going to happen; and I knew it was gonna very much be on Chuck.

Chuck gives what I’m sure is a very meaningful speech about the reason they prosecute these people and the importance of their mission and it’s heavy and this one’s on me and honestly. Paul Giamatti just might be too damn stagey for this role. This much dialogue requires a much lighter touch because it is corny as shite.

The front page of the Post has Bobby’s face and the news of his purchase of the Norton residence (can’t really call something worth 83 million a “house”), it is interpreted as a the gauntlet it is and I feel as though I’ve said that a LOT. They mebbe dragged that part out a teensy bit.

Bobby frolics in his new beach pad while Hall cautions him that the US Attorney has likely opened a file on him. “Fuck ’em” says Bobby because of course he does.

Chuck comes home to a sympathetic Wendy waiting up for him. They start to kiss and just as I’m feeling kind of ehhhh she pulls his hair and ohhhh! She’s the dominatrix from the first scene! I know those boots! Psychiatrist as Mitress Discipline: interesting. WAIT: she PEED on him!!

So what did you think? I really liked most of it, but a lot happened and it felt a little…uneven at parts. Let’s give it another and see! Deuces, y’all.