Hi everyone, I’m stepping out of a gripping Irish drama to dive headlong into our American ginjaninja bankster on Billions, how y’all doing? Last time everyone moved one chair over, let’s see where they end up on S3:E04 Hell of a Ride.

So it would take too long to explain everything that’s been leading up to the meeting we’re at, Imma assume that you aren’t coming into Billions cold and that you know why Chuck Rhoades Sr. (Jeffrey DeMunn) has been brought in to answer to the office of the US Attorney for some dubious stock trading.

Okay fine: in a nutshell: Chuck Sr.’s son, the previous US Attorney, has a giant raging “popsicle” for Bobby “Axe” Axelrod (Damian Lewis) and used his “friend” Ira’s (Ben Shenkman – such a crush) company IPO to screw over Axe. His dad and Ira were collateral damage.

It’s to be noted that the actual US Attorney is former (extremely weird) straight arrow Oliver Dake (Christopher Denham) who has zero interest in investigating either Chuck Sr. OR Jr., this is all Jr.’s former number two man Bryan Connerty (Toby Leonard Moore) who can no longer look away.

*patriotic music wafting by on the breeze*marching noises*

ANYWAY, Chuck Sr. doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing here, he just looks MAD. Dake just stares at the table and pretends he’s somewhere else until he’s grudgingly forced to offer Sr. a deal for immunity.

3 Days Ago!

I love time markers! Dake warned Chuck Jr. those three days ago, so Jr. has time to make up with his dad.

Now we’re with Bobby and his number two dude, Mike “Wags” Wagner (David Costabile), they’re literally whistling in a graveyard. Okay, that’s just the song playing, but it was too perfect. Also: WHO DARETH REMAKETH BOJANGLES BY THE NITTY GRITTY DIRT BAND?????

Um, Wags is looking to buy the last burial plot in Manhattan, for a mere $350,000.00USD.

They’re also having a meeting with Bobby’s new security team, Cheekbones (Brian Wiles) and Young Josh Brolin (Tom Lipinski) to set up the destruction of their lab which created the Ice Juice toxin. YJB drops off Ira’s affidavit to Bryan later that night.

Meanwhile, Chuck is brainstorming with wife Dr. Wendy Rhoades (Maggie Siff) – who looks fab, by the way, about how to get his dad to protect him when he’s not speaking to him for wiping out a huge percentage of his fortune. THAT’S NOT CONFUSING, EH?

Two Days Ago!

We’re at the World-Aid Consortium with FunBobs, who isn’t wearing Megadeth and Metallica hoodies to business events any more, awwww! Everyone’s staring at the robber baron under indictment, but first to speak to him is Oscar Langstraat (HEY!! I love Mike Biribiglia!! Top notch additions this year) who has an idea about Venture Philanthropy. Bet he needs a guy to take care of that solar panel moola!

*Cue Michael Pane being brushed off like a horse in the background*

What Oscar wants is Bobby’s support with the Board, but Bobby can’t see him having an positive affect, even with the tarnished horseshoe jammed up his arse.

Then Sean Ayles (Jack Gilpin) glides over to kick Bobby out, the chairman only wants Bobby’s 10 million dollars, not the stink of insider trading. That convinces Bobby to back Oscar.

Wags makes a move on his burial plot, but Donna (Kira Visser from Men in Black! She was married to The Bug, which makes me so sad that is the reference point I have to give mostly for Vincent D’Onofrio. I would prefer to go with Mystic Pizza or Adventures in Babysitting or any of the other fine, fine shows graced by Mr. D’Onofrio, but sadly people only seem to remember The Bug. Le sigh.) tells him it’s been swooped. Do you think it was the security peeps who picked it up for Bobby to give as a prezzie? He’s kinda like that.

Bryan’s striking out on his own now, thanks to that affidavit, Dake tries to reign him in and I’m just glad he’s still got some weird in him. Don’t forget that Axelrod is the bullseye! And the thing around the bullseye.

Bryan’s on his way to brace Chuck Sr., who hasn’t heard “Immunity” so screw you, Bryan. And then throws off his robe.

Sweet baby jesus, I just saw Jeffrey DeMunn’s babymaker. Like ALL the roots, berries, the works. TWICE. What is it about Bryan that makes grown men throw off their clothes around him?

Wags asks for the security team to get his forever bed back, sure.

Taylor Mason (Asia Kate Dillon) and Mafee (Dan Soder) discuss the looming launch of a space-shuttle-y-type thing by the Elon-Musk-clone Wendy banged while separated from Chuck, they’re all rooting for him to launch! But are taking a short position against him coz: business. Taylor raises their shirt at one point to show off a supportive T-shirt and I thought they were gonna show us their boobs again and I totally averted mine eyes. Pack it up, Taylor!

Sean walks in to find Bobby watching….? Inglorious Basterds? Something skull-crushy with Brad Pitt? I don’t know! Anyway, the board of World-Aid wants to kick Bobby out, the vote is soon!

Past soon is the lab checking that Bryan was supposed to be doing, the lab is closed up and the tech is GAWN. Dake is all “I guess later is too late” and Bryan’s all “whatever, I just saw so much junk in the last two weeks, you have no idea” and Dake’s like “GO”.

*paraphrased*

Sean is meeting with Taylor now, who thinks philanthropy is a cesspool. Bill Gates kilt a bunch of fish with his Malaria Nets (used as fish nets but coated in chemicals) and had to be told firmly to Stop Helping, Thanks. According to the New York Times, that’s true!

Sean insists this is different, this is solar-powered air conditioned tents for barley in Africa.

Wags has tracked down the owner of the burial plot (Michael Kostroff) has no interest in selling, even when Wags brings up his mistress.

Minor Welles (Jordan Lage) is similarly disinterested in anything “t-shirt Billy with the law on his tail” is selling re: staying on the board, I guess t-shirt Bobby is gonna have to teach him a lesson the hard way!

Good scoring on that scene!

It’s the Yale 50th Class Reunion, Chuck Sr. is up for a service award and guess who’s giving it to him? No, GUESS??!! Hey son!

Sr. looks like he’s gonna throw up, but Jr. gives a moving speech about appreciating everything his dad has done for him over his entire life, almost bringing the older man to tears.

Sr. is not swayed, however, but being Billions we get a lively remembering about anal sex in a special Yale hall before he capitulates.

Jr. invokes his son and that’s it, Sr. falls for the grandbaby bait and fences will be mended. OR WILL THEY?

Almost-Elon-Musk blows up in his rocket. Sorry, Dr. Wendy, he was cute and everyone was really rooting for it to go well. All of AXE Capital watches as the rocket explodes immediately after takeoff, even with the money, they wanted to believe it was possible.

Dollar Bill Stearn (Kelly AuCoin) is the first to break the silence; wooooo money!! Taylor and Mafee are the romantics, faces low in their beer.

Dr. Wendy is also devastated, the Chucks find her upset and now she knows that he knows she once banged the gong slowly with Craig Heidecker.

I hate how Wendy’s given zero input or agency around her husband and his family; she’s there to be window dressing and support Chuck. She is SO much more interesting than her face-mugging hubs, jaysus. Go over to AXE Cap and say some words, Wendy.

Bryan and Dake have found another link in the toxin chain, they’re close to finding the doctor Bobby used to test it on, meaning only one degree of separation from Bobby.

Wendy and Chuck talk about Craig, they were separated! Why does she have to answer to it anyway!? Chuck was devastated by it, never mind he was trying his moves out on a martial arts partner at the same time. He’s going to try and get past it, however. Big of him.

Oh but Chuck was indoctrinated into sex at far too young an age, taken to a brothel at 14. 14!!?? Dafuq??! That was when he found out that his dad was regularly unfaithful to Chuck’s mom, and also the first time he was ever proud of Chuck.

There’s a whole lot there.

Dake calls with the news of Sr.’s deposition, Jr. will have to make some moves.

Chuck Jr. calls Black Jack Foley (David Strathairn) for a meeting and gets a lead on a lever against his dad. Just a warning: Joe Scolari (Sean Patrick Kelly) is a bullet that cannot be unfired, so gentle, gentle.

Taylor’s trying to deal with the loss of Craig Heidecker in their own way with Dr. Wendy, who’s struggling on her own.

Wendy counsels Taylor to “mind the truth that makes you money” because they’re both struggling with feeling two things at once.

Wags pulls the trigger on the lawyer in his way and booyah! The forever bed is his!

Wags is always our frontrunner of glorious excess, remember that stupid booze that was several thousand dollars a glass and he was drinking it like Dr. Pepper?

Bobby rants at Wendy about the board trying to dump him, she advises him to let it go. “This is where we live now. In retreat.”

She’s so sad.

Bobby goes to the meeting, he’s all cock and balls tonight. Retreat is for NOT HIM. I *think* Bobby’s helping Oscar by trashing his proposal and it works! It gets passed to spite him, then he’s removed from the board immediately after.

Joe Scolari doesn’t waste any time beating around the bush, he threatens Chuck Sr.’s land deal where the new casino is going to be and now I remember this guy!! He just repeats himself over and over without changing expression!

LET’S MOVE THE CASINO BACK TO SANDICOTT!!!

If you don’t know about Sandicott, read last season’s recaps. I’ll wait. Back?

So we’re back at the meeting with Dake, Bryan and Chuck Sr. but we know he won’t be taking immunity because he doesn’t want to lose his casino land value. And he does not. Bryan appeals to the greater good, but that’s just not where Chuck Sr. lives.

Taylor was very impressed with Craig Heidecker’s watch, it was math and perfection personified. They’re buying one just like it for a tetch over $160,000.00 USD.

Bobby notices the watch right away at his meeting with Taylor at the pub, Oscar shows up to thank Bobby for the play in the meeting. AXE Capital cleans up and so did Oscar’s initiative. Taylor seems angry when they leave.

Chuck Jr. drinks alone at night, reading Raymond Chandler until his dad knocks on the door. He’s so proud of his son, awwww, then he kisses Jr. hard and it’s weeeeird.

Y’see, that’s the problem, Chuck Jr. always thinks he’s a good guy, but he’s the one willing to do whatever he has to, damn the torpedoes. For the record, that’s how Sr. refers to anal sex. If it had to be in my head, it had to be in yours!

Wags contemplates his future grave in the moonlight with Bobby, imagine making it all the way to their 90s?

And we’re out.

Hm. I might have been too subtle up there, so I’ll reiterate. I canea STAND Wendy and Chuck together, it makes no sense and they have the chemistry of inebriated squirrels on different trees. She’s miserable, Bobby’s single, is this gonna happen or what? It’s that their scenes have always been the best, a connection that’s shone through from the very first time they shared the screen.

I’ve always liked Wags, poor life decisions and ill-intent towards Maria aside, he’s chasing his legacy this season and I hope that’s not a portent. As he lays on his super expensive grave.

I’m so not interested in Bobby as a thug, though, these were shallow plays we saw this week and that’s unusual. I’m sure things will perk right up soon. Until next time! Cheers