I don’t know if you know this, but I think Sarah Jessica Parker is a jeezling national treasure. I’ve loved her since Girls Just Want To Have Fun through Flight of the Navigator right up to Sex and the City (until the second movie: WHAT WAS THAT??) but I was slightly skeptical about this show. The tagline for Divorce says a comedy about a long, drawn out divorce and er. It doesn’t sound like those words go together. I’ll give it a shot, though, for the SJP factor!

We open (I was totally expecting SATC music! I am disappoint) with Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker) checking herself out in the mirror. Eye and neck wrinkles, then bewbs, then Robert (Thomas Hayden Church – lifetime pass for Sideways, just like Paul Giammati) enters with a can of Folgers; did she hear him knocking? She did, but was doing her thing, see, so. Turns out Lila was doing HER thing in the bathroom downstairs, so he was forced to poop in the Folgers can in the garage.

We all mentally dropped that Folgers can right then, didn’t we?

But he’s not done! Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but at the end of the day (and right after meals): he’d like equal time in the bathroom

The theme song Paradise makes me laugh and then we’re at a birthday party with a drunk Diane (Molly Shannon – whose work I LOATHE, so Imma try my best to not throw things at the screen while she overacts like a motherhumper at the top of her voice) who is married to Nick (Tracy Letts) who makes fun of her drinking to Roberts amusement. I can already feel the passive aggressive tension seeping into my bones.

Dallas (Talia Balsam) is in the kitchen with Diane and Frances, she’s recently divorced, but don’t worry, her ex’s new / old partner has really packed on the pounds! Well, that tends to happen when you’re 5 months pregnant, so. And Dallas isn’t interested in Hedge-Fund Matthew with the dead wife (oh, did that happen? He only told me 50 f*cking times) but hey! F*ck it! Cheers

Anyone else thinking of Kristi Coulter’s piece on drinking? Anyone?

Robert’s gotta be drunk, coz he’s slurring all over while double dipping both food AND his finger in the fondue pot.

Diane and Frances are having a blast at this dinner party; I’m thinking Frances and Robert aren’t the only ones in a toxic relationship. Unless people actually DO put on weight to spite their partners, as Diane thinks. She also thinks Robert is a “wet p*ssy” too and I don’t quite understand…

Nick gives a master class in How Not To Toast Your Wife (you’ve never looked your age: until this year; one of the benefits of not bearing children which is your biological function) and then caps it off with the present of a giant shaggy dog when Diane’s dog Beatrice died of depression the previous week. Slow clap

Robert’s outside watching the party, all alone at the fire pit. Diane is rubbing herself all over a guest while Dallas and Frances look relaxed for the first time and damnit! I forgot to look for “human loaf of bread” Malcolm at dinner!

Nick pulls Diane off the guest and quietly shouts at her for making a spectacle of herself while everyone pretends they can’t hear. In the bathroom, we see a glorious picture of Diane and Beatrice, who was a PUG!! A PUG!!

Robert’s watching, confused, as Diane walks through the whole house looking for something (they have full length windows in all the bedrooms? Really?) pursued by Nick until she triumphantly pulls out a gun. She shoots a lamp when Robert startles her while Nick has a heart attack.

Awww Diane leaves her own party in handcuffs while Nick is taken to the hospital, but don’t break up the party because of her! Keep goinnnnggg. Little much

Robert and Frances are sitting, shaken post party. How does that happen? How does a happy marriage turn into wanting to blow someone’s head off? Robert thinks that will never be them, he would never want to blow her head off. Wait.

She may have imagined smashing his face with a ceramic cat and then scalping him with the shards so, maybe they aren’t on the same page. Last Christmas was the best ever because he was fishing for Chinook Salmon, she doesn’t love him any more and she wants to save her life while she still cares about it.

He vomits. Then vomits again on the cops shoes and that’s it. He had a lot of fondue. And cake

Frances wakes up to a still-drunk Robert sitting in her room waiting for her to wake up. He went to a strip club last night where women were stripping and became nude. He was trying to hurt her, but now he’d like to give her an orgasm. There will be vagina-licking and tongue darting of other orifices and

She does not want this orgasm. And she’s not pretending all is normal, she’s DIVORCING HIM, but she needs to get the kids to school first.

Oh thank god and the sweet baby angels, I am not the only parent who smells their child’s breath before school. Lila (Sterling Jerins) doesn’t brush and Tom (Charlie Kilgore) doesn’t listen, so that’s about right. Lila calls her mom a bitch and HELL NO. Frances walks back on her discipline, I don’t have teenagers yet but I bet that’s not a great idea.

Dallas breaks it down for Frances; it will NOT be better for the kids, they’ll just use it for ammunition against her. And forget about meeting someone…oh but. Frances already has Someone, he’s the only thing that has kept her sane this year. She loves him. She thinks. Dallas sneers: it’s the orgasms talking, but it’s not just that! It’s MANY orgasms! And he’s sweet and creative and he makes his own granola.

Wait

I make my own granola, is that a classification now? Am I in a designation because I know my way around some oat flakes?

Mr. Sensitive Funny Granola is Julian Renaut (Jemaine Clement) who is apparently the only one with a last name. Several orgasms later and HA!! I knew he was a New Zealander! I totally got that accent! After Wentworth messing with my accent recognition, I was feeling unsure, but THERE! Still got it!

Anyway, he’s not reacting with glee at the news of her impending divorce, or immediately agreeing to her spending a couple of nights there. He thought all that “I’m gonna divorce Robert” was sexy role playing talk (er) and hey, she has kids!

She rants a bit about the banality of her life with Robert, but Siracha-shirted Julian isn’t buying. He thinks she saw someone have a heart attack and that’s pushed her into this big decision. She finally clues in to what his body language is saying: why is he being a massive ahole right now? He doesn’t want to take their dirty little secret public, he can’t do a bourgeois affair or even eat pizza right now.

An affair is really fun, right? Just not when you take it to prime time, I guess.

She comes home with a metric tonne of Greek food and the will to take absolutely everything she said back. Robert’s been thinking all day, though, maybe this isn’t working after all. Maybe she was in shock but didn’t know it but she’s all better now. But when does she think it started to go off the rails? Maybe the mustache?

Could not agree more

She sells it with a climb into his lap, then when allowing the vagina-licking later.

I’m starting to feel very bad for Robert. I mean, on one side is the mustache, on the other is his complete cluelessness. I think I’ve been where Frances is, mentally, so I’M VERY TORN

One thing that is always constant: teenage children

And the sweetness that can catch you off guard and make your throat swell right after.

WHY DOES ROBERT KILL THE BIRD’S NEST WITH EGGS INNIT??

Frances comforts Diane, it’s probably not all her fault for the heart attack, there were lots of streak frites and stress at work (with Frances) and could Frances testify to that? Somehow Frances also ends up with Hannah, the birthday dog that smells like a yeast infection.

SMELLS like a yeast infection?

Ohhhhhhh Robert had the locks changed. He intercepted a cell phone call earlier from Julian and yeah: did she have sex with BOTH of them yesterday? There is no official ruling that constitutes a gangbang, Robert, cut it out. Inadvisable, perhaps, not there’s been nothing released from official channels.

He calls her an evil-doer, a flim flammer, a Jesse James and he’s Sandra Bullock and he lost me for a bit but it was all funny until he says

Because he meant it. And we’re out. Wow. Hell hath no fury like a mustache scorned, amirite? Still unsure of the comedy end of this show but as always I’m impressed by SJP and THC. Until next time, keep your steak away from your frites and hide your gun a little better next time. Cheers