Hi guys, how is everyone? It’s crazy cold and snowy here, but since I’ve been performing rituals by the light of a waxing gibbous moon to bring about snow, I am technically not allowed to complain. Robert took us to church last episode on Divorce, let’s see where we go today.

Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker) is running late for the conference between lawyers, but she’s concerned because Robert (Thomas Hayden Church) hasn’t been answering phone calls, not even for the kids. He’s been asleep for 47 hours and while he calls that being over-prescribed: I call it HEAVEN.

First volley of the day: Frances wants the snake moved to Roberts’s apartment.

*flurry of quiet chatting from across the table*

“Why?”

*more whispering from the other side of the table*

“Because it’s a snake”

Hahahahahahaha. This looks like fun! Or whatever the opposite of fun is. I wonder how that mediator would have worked out. Or perhaps doing the paperwork yourselves? That looks like an expensive boardroom and expensive lawyers and I don’t think anyone has any money.

Tony Silvercreek (Dean Winters) suggests a 2-2-5 which is two days at each place, then 5 days consecutive and all of that sounds horrific for the snake. And whatever kiddos are moved around that much. There’s a quick wrangle about a second habitat (commensurate with the first, the lifestyle Maureen has become accustomed to) and that’s it: Robert’s taking the snake so Maureen doesn’t die a slow, painful death at the hands of Frances’s disinterest.

BOOM

Ooooh and now we’re into discussing Tom (Charlie Kilgore) and Lila (Sterling Jerins); it’s Robert who does the primary care of the kiddos, since his job is more flexible in that it pays in the negative amounts. And I didn’t know A) there was more than one tooth fairy and B) Toothsylvania exists.

So. Robert is the primary caregiver, clearly, will he get the house? I feel emotionally invested in the answer. Max Brodkin (Jeffrey DeMunn – Dale from the Walking Dead! #NeverForget) was as surprised as anyone; those are usually slam-dunk questions for mothers: perhaps Frances should seek to be more “visibly involved” right now. She’s not exactly drinking 10 hours a day and playing video games, but maybe a little bit.

Ah Max-y, I’m glad you have a backpack to help with your equilibrium after your small / mini-stroke, but Frances is woooorrrried.

Frances showing up to the planning meeting for the Silver Carnival at school confuses everyone; is she in the right room? Oh great, Janice (Gillian Vigman) is there too. They don’t know her, don’t recognise her kiddos names, but they all know Robert! Oh, Robert! It’s easy to take people for granted, isn’t it?

The theme is other cultures, Frances stumbles through and having been to approximately a million of these: shhhh. Check out the lay of the land, listen to people who have done this more than once. Yes, bring in good ideas, but when you’re late and don’t actually know what you’re talking about: just listen. Because maybe you pitch something they’ve already done because you just weren’t paying attention until this exact minute, like the Hide and Seek Kelp Forest. 700 hits on YouTube!

Frances waits for Janice in the hallway; just so she knows: there is no problem with Janice sleeping with Frances’s husband. The committee and children and everything else ever comes first.

Frances is bringing Lila and Tom as her dates to a party, they’re her favourite people and she wants them with her! But not like when Dallas (Talia Balsam) brings Cole everywhere, totally different. That made me laugh

Oh and it’s at Diane (Molly Shannon)’s house, yaaaaay. Thank gahd Dallas is there too! The pickins are slim, though, Dallas figures there’s only “one guy here who doesn’t cry when he comes” and I’d say snap that one up!

Oh great, Robert’s at the party, and so is Tony Silvercreek, who’s become more than a lawyer, he’s a bro.

Nobody over the age of 23 should use the term “bro” unless it is double dipped in sarcasm. NOBODY

Dallas is talking to Tony Silvercreek. MAN, I so understand whats going to happen here. She thinks he’s disgusting, a shallow misogynistic pic, but she’s gonna bang him in the bathroom because he’s sexy AF.

Oh, Nick (Tracy Letts) has started to read Robert’s prospectus on Fun Space and he’s actually interested. He sells at the table and go Robert! I actually want him to do well, when did that happen?

Frances sees Dallas flirting with Tony, what’s going on? Why haven’t they banged in the bathroom yet? Get in there! Speech time first! This isn’t just a dinner party, this is Diane and Nick’s Re-Commitment Ceremony! Dallas and Frances would not have come. Neither would have Brad (Dave Shalansky) but nobody cares what he thinks.

Nick does a great speech about how difficult it is to stay married, this is their second chance! Here’s to Mouse and PigPen! After Mouse gets some sparkling apple juice brought to her from the pantry and PigPen stops yelling at her. Right after that

Dallas and Tony sneak off into the night; he’s a truly reprehensible ahole. Dallas and I still would, and she probably is right now. One night, Dallas, after that everything gets shouty and punchy.

Frances stands outside and watches Robert dancing with the kids, why isn’t she in there? She seems so disconnected from them. That has to be tough for fathers, they just usually get the little bits at the end, not all that time.

Er

Dallas and Tony are getting THEMSELVES off next to each other in the Porsche, um. He made me laugh when he took off his ring with this mouth to shift it into turbo, do people not just bang anymore? I need a ruling

She drops a Tums on the way back; he absolutely loses his shite. I don’t even know what to say about that. I don’t think Tums decomposes and I’m sure I don’t want that one night any more. He drops her off back at the party, honestly.

Robert asks if Frances wants him to take the kids home so she can stay later at the party; oh, you mean so she can spend another night away from her kids at another party with alcohol? You know, like Tony said! She confronts Robert over Tony’s attack in the boardroom; he knows why she’s not at those appointments and he knows she’s a committed mother! He agrees to tell Tony to pull back a little, but I don’t think Tony pulls back a little, Robert. In return, Robert asks that Max cool it with the acting like he has dementia…okay.

Robert leaves and Frances sees what’s around her; Diane nodding-drunk while Nick gets worked over by a beautiful masseuse. She tells Diane to maybe stop having parties and amen, sister.

Oh boy. Frances has to fire Max and I’m so sad I won’t see Dale any more. He was planning to quit anyway, he finds her “challenging” and his idea of a good time isn’t wrangling with Tony Silvercreek. She needs someone like Elaine Campbell.

Elaine Campbell (J Smith-Cameron) is exactly the proper antidote for a bad rash like Tony; she’s tough, southern and straighforward. Max hadn’t even filed yet, they had a strategy to let Robert file to make him feel better and in control, blah blah blah. Elaine lays it out clearly: it is no longer your job to make Robert feel good. She also reminds Frances of who did all the backwork of choosing the doctors, booking haircuts, you know: all the thinking parts, just maybe not the driving-to parts. So there is that.

She’s more expensive than Max (oy), but she’ll get more money. “Google me!” and we’re done with Elaine Campbell for now.

It’s all hands on deck at Lila’s basketball game, they kinda suck a little, yeah? Ohhhh and Elaine Campbell has the papers served to Robert WHILE he’s coaching the game and then everyone is on the court and Robert is humiliated and Frances is sorry but nobody knows what to do.

 

We’re out, until next time, you guys!