Veronica’s back!!!! Yay!!! So that means our recap for Game of Thrones S6:E8 No One will be Call and Answer style again! YAY!! Rolling after the break

So. Last time we FOUND THE HOUND!!! And left Arya lurching all over the place after being stabbed in the belly by The Waif, when can we get these two back and wandering aboot the countryside together again?

We open at the farty play with Lady Crane as Cersei again, giving her speech as warty-cocked Pretend-Joffrey dies, but with the added anger suggested by Arya. It’s all very moving, I’m sure she’ll die super soon. Or no, Arya’s found her way back to seek help of her own.

Have we even mentioned the glorious Richard E Grant as Tywin? That flatulent death scene was some of his finest work. Almost Hudson Hawk level greatness.

Lady Crane stitches up Arya’s wounds, explaining that she liked to poke holes in her boyfriends what liked to poke holes in, er, ladies of the evening, so she would feel bad and stitch them up. I’m skeptical, because The Waif stabbed Arya three times in the gut, twisting after the third. That doesn’t look like a couple of stitches on the outside kind of problem.

Lady Crane asks Arya to come on the road with them, she could understudy, since Bianca (the murderous Sansa double who presumably hired the No Ones to kill Lady Crane) wouldn’t be doing any more acting jobs, after what Lady Crane did to her face. I’m just going to throw it out there that I don’t remember Bianca’s face…so I think she’ll do just fine in some acting realms. The Lady drugs Arya (with consent!) and off she sleeps.

Four unkempt gentleman are discussing kissing techniques, ending in a really uncomfortable-making jab at someone’s butthole and all I have to say is if he thinks that smells like vagina, he’s been doing it wrong for a very long time. Anyway, the one whose bum was almost violated looks like a young Jamie Dornan, but he’s not the get, we see The Hound coming and everyone else is smart enough to get gone. I did not watch, but it was awfully splashy and gurgle-y with all kinds of whooshy noises.

Isn’t it funny, I thought the other one could pass as a young Benedict Cumberbatch! The one with the Unsullied butthole, I mean.

Tyrion and Lord Varys are walking aboot watching the re-invigorated city bustle, it seems Varys will be traveling to Westeros to get some ships for his Queen. Looottta people bringing Dany boats, hey? The Ironborn too, I wonder how they’re doing? Euron? Whatcha got? Tyrion takes umbrage to Varys calling him The Most Famous Dwarf in the City; he’s the Most Famous Dwarf in the World, fanks very much

Cersei does what she does best, she drinks as Qyburn bursts in to tell her that 7 members of the Faith Militant have entered the Red Keep, with the permission of the King. Lancel is at the head of the charge, telling her the High Septon requires her presence, chop chop now. She refuses, and then the lines are drawn and we get the quote of the season from Cersei:

The first of the Faith buries his axe in The Mountain’s chest, then has his head ripped off for his trouble. Lancel and the others all run like little girls to the other side of the Keep as Cersei smiles that cold smirk of hers: His Holiness is welcome to visit her HERE whenever he likes.

Brienne!!!! We get Brienne!! Oh and she’s staring at Jamie, pity. I know he’s pretty, but he’s kind of an incestuous rapey-ish bastage. Tormund’s adorable! So is Podrick, for the record! Speaking of Podrick, Bronn’s sneaked up on him and then they have a super profane conversation about who / what / where would like to fcuk Brienne. I’m not even gay and I would absolutely fcuk Brienne, full stop, Bronn, I get whatchyer saying, even if most of it is completely un-transcribable. He’s had it with the way women look at Jamie, it’s frankly irritating, hahahaha, but really, I’d sooner Bronn any day. AM I TALKING WITH MY PANTS TOO MUCH??

Podrick protests: Brienne’s just teaching him to fight! You can really hear Pod’s accent just then, it’s gorgeous. Bronn gives him a few pointers; starting with: assume everyone wants to hit you. Especially since you’re a fcuking squire, everyone wants to hit a fcuking squire. (I’m afraid I’ll have use to swear at someone properly in print some time and I won’t remember HOW!). They go on

Thank the Seven Bobs! Podrick got some lines this episode! I’m so glad we’re seeing characters like he and Bronn get some screen time. Whoever writes Bronn’s dialogue is a dead set genius! By the way, Jerome Flynn and Lena Headey used to date, now HATE each other and refuse to be in any scenes together. Random trivia!

Brienne and Jamie are reuniting, it’s not going very well, seeing as they’re on opposite sides now and as Jamie is being a condescending arsehole. She has a plan, though, she wants to approach the Blackfish (The Blackfish or Blackfish?) and ask him to abandon Riverrun and come help Sansa and Jon reclaim the North. He agrees to let her try, and gives his word that (the) Blackfish will be allowed to take his troops out to the North without bloodshed. She reminds him: if she doesn’t manage to convince (the) Blackfish, she will be compelled to fight for Sansa’s kin. Against him. With his sword, by the way! Which she tries to give back, but he refuses, saying it’s always been hers. She stares at him for a long moment in the doorway and I HATE that she’s in love with him! I know they bonded over fighting a bear together, but she’s NOT his type! Yes she’s blonde, but she’s not a close blood relative and it kills me that she carries that giant flaming torch for him. He has only ever loved Cersei.

I’ve never been entirely sold on the Brienne lurve for Jamie. I think she respects and admires him, but there’s no actual sparks. I mean, I’m probably wrong but I think she’s just a bit taken with the fact that he is kind of nice to her and treats her like his equal. Oh what am I saying, who wouldn’t shag him given the opportunity!?

Blackfish isn’t buying, he hasn’t seen Sansa since she was a child, he won’t read the letter, he doesn’t trust Brienne, he will NOT leave Riverrun. He’s noticed the Kingslayer’s sword at Brienne’s side, though, which draws her to do an awesome speech about the Stark women and how she’s helped them, go Brienne!

He still refuses, it will be the siege then, with Jamie and Brienne on opposite sides. She tells Pod to send a raven: she’s failed.

Cersei makes her way through a gasping crowd; there’s an announcement in the offing, but nobody told her, good thing she has her own little bird. She moves to stand by Tommen, but is blocked by Kevan, she’s not allowed up there any more.

Tommen’s speech is as expected; Loras and Cersei will stand trial in the Sept of Baelor on the First Day of the Festival of the Mother. Oh, and by the way, nobody will be able to use Trial By Combat any more, and I KNEW that would happen, I knew that Cersei would not be safe with just The Mountain to protect her. 7 totally unbiased Septons will stand as judges, yaaayyyy.

There goes the Cleganebowl, dammit.

Qyburn pulls Cersei aside after, he’s been looking into that rumour she asked about, turns out it’s something, not nothing but I don’t remember what his little birds are talking about, so hopefully they get less cryptic. Something to do with the High Sparrow?

High Sparrow is Howland Reed (sure!) , the location of Tyrion, Daenerys and her dragons, Wildfire (featured in Bran’s vision), proof that the Tyrells killed Joffrey. They are a few of the theories floating around, so who knows? I’d love to see the High Sparrow and his looneys go down in a hail of Wildfire!

So. Here’s the thorny bit; if she’s convicted of incest, that would make Tommen not king, right? That would invalidate his claim to the throne, correct? And then this twin-pillar bull would go out the window, right?

Cersei is accused of incest with Lancel, not Jamie, so far. He has atoned for his sins already, but Cersei has refused to take responsibility. There’s rumours but no proof of incest with her babydaddybro.

Tyrion’s drinking, because he knows his strengths, he’s happy! He thinks he’s breathed life back into the city, why won’t Missandei and Grey Worm drink with him? He talks them into a glass of wine, GW figures it’s gone over. Tyrion waxes poetic about his future, he wants a vineyard, to produce his own wine, the finest of which would be The Imp’s Delight and that’s the thing about living in time of war, innit? You dream of the freedom from struggle and battle and then your kids grow up to be spoiled brats?

Tyrion’s determined to make buddies out of this unlikely duo, telling bad jokes and hey! Missandei calls Grey Worm Torgho Nundo and these scenes with Tyrion draaaaaggggg. I don’t understand the point. I liked him best of all before, but this carrying on is just….

We’re saved by the bell; the Masters are approaching on ships, my goodness that seven years flew by!

Jamie’s in to see Lord Edmure, who’s had a very bad row to hoe of it. He fathered a son during the beginning of the Red Wedding with a wife he’s not seen since. He hasn’t seen his child either, so Jamie offers him a deal: kill your uncle or I will kill your child. Kill the Blackfish and I will reunite you with your “family”, do not and I will send your child into Riverrun on a catapult. Jamie brings up Catelyn and the love she had for (only her) children (sorry, Jon), Jamie only loves Cersei, and he will do anything to get back to her, which means he doesn’t care what Lord Edmure thinks of him, how evil he may appear, he just needs his Cersei. Jamie even says “The things we do for love” as he did in the first episode, just as he pushed young Brandon Stark out the window for catching he and Cersei communing in an unholy fashion.

White Walking in the rain with Jon Snow when there’s nowhere to go, and everyone around you is dying . . . . Ooooooh you made me stab you . . . Sing it Jamie.

Side note: I liked Edmure for the first time here, his questioning of Jamie’s ability to live with himself. He has a gravitas that I hadn’t previously suspected. In his 47 seconds of screen time.

Tobias Menzies who plays Edmure, plays dual roles on Starz Outlander. The show is worth a watch just for him and his mesmerising dimple lines. Seriously, cannot take my eyes off them.

Edmure approaches Riverrun, demanding entry. Given that he’s still technically Lord of Riverrun, the people from the castle move to do just that. Blackfish fights them, but he is severely outnumbered and they will not listen to him. There’s a scuffle, but Edmure is allowed access while Jamie and the Freys wait on the hill to see what fruit it shall bear.

I hope to hell that Blackfish’s made it out the back door like he did at the Red Wedding.

I will not make an uncouth joke about using the backdoor during Red Weddings. Nope.

Edmure’s first command is to let the armies in through the gate, in they come. The second command is to find The Blackfish and put him in irons. Oh yay, Blackfish did make it out, and he’s with Brienne, but he’s done running and re-grouping. That shite’s above his pay grade, and having his carefully prepared siege plucked out from underneath him due to a lineage technicality has taken the fun out of it. He’s going to stay and fight; he hasn’t had a sword fight in years

HAHAHAHA. Bai The Blackfish, I’m sorry you didn’t take Sansa’s offer. I hate the Lannisters so much. Jamie’s totally bummed The Blackfish died before he could spout a buncha more bullshit at him, but spies Brienne and Podrick getting away on the river. They have a moment, he raises his arm in solidarity to her, she copies the gesture and nobody raises the guard. I hate that she loves him.

Massive fighting in Meereen, the Masters have the city on fire, but Grey Worm tells Tyrion they must wait here in the pyramid, it’s the only place they can defend. Just then there are scratching noises on the roof, is that a dragon? Good boy, get in there and set some boats on fire, Drogon! In rushes Dany, mutely for whatever reason, lots more staring.

Looks like Mom came home and caught them all into the liquor cabinet. Tyrion’s gonna be in so much trouble!

The Hound is working his way towards the bastages what killed his new tribe, setting off the path when he hears a noise. It’s the three men he’s after, about to be hanged by Beric Dondarrion, who The Hound has already killed one time before. You remember Dondarrion! I know Veronica is going to explain this better, but back in the day, Arya, Gendry and the chubby lad traveled with them for a bit. They’re in the Brotherhood and Melisandre commented on how many times this guy had been resurrected. I don’t know if she herself was responsible for bringing him back, given how apparently reluctant she was to do that for our Jon.

It wasn’t Melisandre, it was Thoros, old orange-y beard with the ballerina bun. He was a mighty warrior beside Robert Baratheon, having been sent to convert him to the religion of the Lord of Light. He’s managed to bring Beric back six times so far. Beric and Thoros are also on Arya’s shitlist for selling Gendry to Melisandre.

Side note: Dondarrion looks exactly like the weasel mercenary Buck in Ice Age 3, right??

Oh man, a girl has a name, and that name is Sid.

The Hound wants to kill these dudes himself by gutting them with an axe, but the Brotherhood protests: they’re not barbarians, they hang people. The three doomed men watch with trepidation while The Hound and Beric negotiate, he settles for hanging two out of the three, but he didn’t enjoy it. He does take a dead man’s boots after, got any grub?

That’s our Clegane, so prosaic.

Dondarrion (sorry, I can’t find out his name, but I LOVE the actor’s voice! It’s a throwback to every Film Noir made in the 30s) is making a run at The Hound to help with the war against the White Walkers, er-ohh, we, well, we getta see little Sandor and um, yay? It looked…proportionate?

Eh. Unnecessary penis is unnecessary. I’m all for peen on tv, but this season it’s been for wart inspection and peeing. I’m feeling slightly ripped off.

The Hound isn’t sure he’s ready to be somebody’s weapon again just yet, pondering the odds.

Arya is still sleeping as Lady Crane looks for a small bottle. A very young, feral looking young man startles her. The noise of her murder awakes Arya, who comes out to find The Waif lecturing her about owing the Many-Faced God a name. Arya’s no dummy, she jumps out a window to escape.

I hate The Waif, but I’m digging her Terminator impression.

She gets pretty far, but a leap over a wall onto a set of stone steps bursts her stitches and she is barely able to crawl away. Arya leaves a super helpful trail of bloody handprints, leading The Waif to where she’s hidden Needle. Just as The Waif approaches, Arya turns and slices…the candle. Hmmm, looks like that other owed name with NOT be Arya’s after all. About TIME, bloody hell!

Ja’qen enters the Hall of Faces to find a trail of blood and…The Waif’s face with gouged-out eyes in the hall instead of Arya’s. He tells Arya the girl is finally No One; she makes my heart SING when she says:

Ja’Qen nods and half-smiles; out she walks and done we are. Ooooh!!!! That was perfect! Thank FECK Arya is finally done with all that shite, I felt like she should have at least thanked him for the training, amirite? Bai Waif, you arsehole, I will not miss you! Welcome back, Dany, get to work! One of your kingdoms is on fire! Until next time, GoTers, keep your little Hound in your pants and your stick on the ice! And all the ohms to Orlando, that shite is unreal.

I think Arya said it all.