Game of Thrones S7:E5 Eastwatch Recap

It's Unnecessary Violence Day, so that means Game of Thrones is up! Twas a thrilling show last week, one of the best in years. From Arya's and Brienne's superior swordplay to Daenerys laying waste to the entire Lannister army in 20 minutes of glory, it was amazing. Um. Spoiler alert. Veronica and I are rolling S7:E5 Eastwatch after the break!

GODDAMNIT Jaime Lannister (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) is alive!! Now I have TWO reasons to hate Bronn (Jerome Flynn) - there is no way to excuse the casual slaughter of a horse. Even if Bronn does say c*nt gloriously. Usually it's a gendered pejorative, with him it's like dirty, dirty poetry. ANYWAY, Jaime is alive and it's all Bronn's fault but Jaime is more worried about that fact that Daenerys (Emila Clarke) has three such beasts just WAITING to fry his Lannister bum. He has to tell Cersei (Lena Headey).

VS: Arrgggh, I'm feeling sorry for Jaime Lannister again.S'okay, I'm sure there will be some lovely incident later to change my mind again. I am happy Bronn is still alive, and all about the monies. I like him more when I remember the c*nt has loyalty for the highest bidder and isn't afraid to show it. But seriously, look how far away from the carnage they are, I call booshite, no one can hold their breath that long. 'Cept Jon Snow mebbe.

Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) surveys the wreckage of his people as they are herded to a central point, he looks so sad. I wonder if he's looking for Jaime. Daenerys addresses all the survivors, she's not here to crush them and take their things, that's Cersei. She's a liberator! All they have to do is bend the knee.

VS: Tyrion has way too many feels to be on a battlefield. He really has had the most shithouse life (apart from the tits and wine), it's a miracle he wasn't the O.G. Joffrey.

AGAIN WITH THE KNEE BENDING

Ser Randyll Tarly (James Faulkner) and his son Dickon (Tom Hopper)

Are among those left standing, even with Drogon's encouragement. Dany calls them forward to ask why they will not bend the knee. Who do they think they are, Jon Snow?

Randyll will not swear allegiance to a foreigner, which leads to Tyrion doing EVERYTHING he can to save Randyll's life, including raking him over the coals for all the recent bending he's been doing. I mean

Dickon is next, he wants to die with his father, with honour (still soooooo dead) leaving Tyrion almost pleading with Dany to not wipe out this entire family. Um, EXCUSE ME but the awesomesauce Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) is oot there and he's even a dad! Okay, stepdad, but he could totally knock Gilly up any second. Just as soon as he's allowed to be near vaginas again.

Where were we? Ah yes, the end of House Tarly as Tyrion knows it, by dragon and not by beheading. BAI TARLY YOU SADISTIC BASTAGE

VS: I'm not sorry for Randall the motherflipping traitor, but I kinda thought Dickon might have a bit more to do. What a waste of a lovely pair of shoulders. Now Samwell IS House Tarly, time to get the fook out of the soup and poop factory and home to Horn Hill (best castle name eva).

Everyone else bends that mutherhumping knee, I'll tell you that.

Cersei's got the news back, she says she's not worried but I'd guess that wineskin in her room is a little low. Jaime tries to explain the futility of further military action against Daenerys but she's not listening.

Cersei doesn't want any naysaying and she wants to hear about Tyrion, who killed her son. Yeahhhhh, about that. Jaime explains about it really being Olenna (Dianna Rigg) and it makes perfect sense, Tommen was much easier for Maergery to control, given that he was 10. Cersei is not happy. She's particularly angry that Olenna died peacefully by her own hand and blames Jaime for not allowing her a bloody revenge.

VS: She's not happy that Jaime is such a soft touch sometimes, I feel she's gonna teach him a hard lesson one of these days.  The only one he appears to be close to is Bronn *gulp*. You know, I'm totally fine with Bronn drowning after fighting a dragon, BUT NOT BY CERSEI'S HAND DAGNABBIT! I won't have it!

Drogon flies down and Daenerys watches as Jon Snow (Kit Harington) who had been standing moodily on the cliff

And then JON TOUCHES THE DRAGON

VS: Man, Drogon's breath must be like so many charcoaled sheep right about now. Dany needs to fashion some kind of toothbrush for that beast, I mean child. I said child Dany, don't flambe me! Now. If I were Dany, I would be seriously thinking about WHY Drogon let someone else touch him. Instead of the goo goo eyes, *ermagerd my kids like him, it must be wuv!*, surely you'd be wondering who is the bastage's actual father. Fuckssake Bran, send a raven already!

ERMAGHD AND THEN SER JORAH MORMONT ARRIVES!!!

VS: Swoooon!

Ohhhh and Dany says it would be her honour to take Ser Friendzone (Iain Glenn) back into her service and they hug, but it's a really LONG hug and their faces are close and ooooooh!!!!

VS: Is it just me or was there something more to that hug y'all. Please boink the one who is not your nephew!

Jon pouts prettily in the rear

We're back at Winterfell with Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead-White) and forty ravens flying everywhere checking out the army of the dead marching slowly. Creepy things. As is the Night King, who sends the birds scattered in every direction with a glance.

VS: Oh! Oh! I keep forgetting to mention that when the Night King touched Bran in his vision it marked him and lead the army straight to them and let them into the cave they couldn't get to before without exploding. Right? So popular consensus is that now that Bran has come back through the Wall, the Night King can follow! DOES BRAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

Bran thinks this means he must send ravens, but his letter isn't well received at The Citadel, where Archmaester Ebose (Jim Broadent) reads it aloud the the other maesters. They're quick to mock, but Samwell's right there to suggest they ought to listen to the one person who managed to live beyond the wall for an extended period of time. As a crippled boy no less (THANKS MEERA).

But they don't listen anyway to Samwell asking for the Archmaester to use his influence to warn people.

VS: It DOES sound a wee bit crazy, granted. But I think Ebrose actually believes him, like he hasn't noticed where his keys went? He's letting him do the research, Ebrose's mama didn't raise no fool. I love how Samwell is standing up for what he believes in now, he's gonna need that confidence.

A scroll for Jon has reached Dragonstone, he's not as happy as he should be that Arya and Bran are alive. C'mon Jon! He's still worried about the Night King marching on Eastwatch, though, don't suppose Daenerys would share her army?

Nooooo, but they come to a plan. Tyrion suggests bringing one of the dead to Cersei, the gang workshops it and comes up with some supplementary suggestions.

VS: I've never watched Walking Dead, but I'm assuming anything zombie-like will not be too pleased about being captured. I'm picturing snapping jaws and bits falling off everywhere. 

Lord Varys (Conleth Hill): will get them into see Cersei

Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) of the House of Onion Smuggling: will get them into King's Landing but he's not a fighter. Is he a lover?

Our beloved Ser Jorah: will go get a dead person for Show and Tell (Dany's throat seized when she realised her beloved WHO JUST GOT BACK was risking his life for her again already.

Tyrion: is gonna ask his brother Jaime to help a little person owt.

Dany: grudgingly agrees to let Jon leave without her permission even

VS: I'm still blowing out at all these characters IN THE SAME ROOM. Ser Davos and Ser Jorah together? I didn't even know I HAD daddy issues!

Everybody's shouting back at Winterfell, they don't think Jon should have gone off to swan about with the Dragon Queen, instead he should have stayed there with their smelly, muttony arses. Lady Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) listens carefully and responds mildy, which confuses Arya (Maisie Wiliams) and I. Why didn't she clap back at these eejits?

VS: I toldya, Sansa is power hongray. Arya is onto her booshite.

Arya confronts Sansa back in her room, which, coincidentally are Ned and Catelyn's chambers from way back. She always did like nice things. Arya takes her sister apart, one piece at a time, she knows what Sansa really wants, and it doesn't involve Jon coming back in one unmelty piece. Sansa denies it, but little Arya isn't so little any more and sees far too much.

VS: Moving into your dead mum and dad's chambers? That's cold! You know they have a bigger bath in their ensuite tho, I'd consider it too. Something tells me that getting out of that bath would be a bit nipply, I mean NIPPY!

Ser Davos has smuggled Tyrion in as promised, but Tyrion's a little shook by the circumstances of his departure the last time he was here. That's when he killed his dad, but Davos hasn't been here since Tyrion killed his son with wildfire, so. *awkward pause*

It's Bronn who leads Jaime down to meet his long lost brother

Some verbal sparring later with Tyrion defending his decision to kill their father, Tyrion brings up the alternate terms and Jaime can barely believe his ears. Of course, he never was all that bright.

Kudos to Peter Dinklage, wonderful scene, all the slow claps.

VS: DOSE PUPPY DOG EYES on Tyrion. Jamie doesn't do emotion too well, kind like a weepy block of wood. Sappy, even. I fear Bronn might pay for this laters.

Davos is in Flea Bottom attending to his other business, is he looking for Gendry?? IT IS GENDRY!!!

VS: I love the credits, but for crying oot loud, don't spoil your own show!  There in big letters Joe Dempsie, surprise motherflippers, Gendry is back! Couldn't you just give him special credit after? Humph. I'll give them one point back for the rowing joke ^5 Davos.

Hai Gendry (Joe Dempsie), the rightful heir to the Iron Throne!! To quote Veronica: Gendry can get it. He sounds like Tom Hiddleston but is all sweaty and meaningful

VS: Like Hiddles but buff and manly, Gendry is all growed up. And can get it. Twice on Sundays even.

There's a bit of trouble on the beach, a couple guards wander by and want money. Gendry is itching to fight but Davos pays them off in gold and fermented crab (Game of Thrones viagra). Tyrion arriving just then gives Gendry a chance to swing his giant axe and problem solved!

VS: I totally misunderstood what the fermented crab meant for a bit there, I thought they were referring to the smell? All I could think of is, that is NOT going to hide the fact you were at a brothel. Seriously brain, gross! That hammer is super effective!

Now Jaime has to explain to his sister/lover that he saw Tyrion and didn't immediately murder their brother.

Cersei blah blah blahs about murdering everyone in her path and of course she knew about Bronn betraying Jaime and meeting with Tyrion, what's he going to do about it. By the way, she's pregnant! Mazel tov, gross Lannisters!

VS: AAAAND NOW I HATE HIM AGAIN. Bronn, for the second week in a row, you in danger girl.

Davos doesn't want Gendry explaining to Jon exactly who he is, stick to the story of being Clovis the local forge dude. *picturing cosplay* They walk up and immediately Gendry drops the Robert Baratheon bomb, which makes Jon start.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (breathe) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

VS: BURN! LOLOLOL. Gendry and Jon just became best friends!

Gendry's coming to help up north!

A touching goodbye between Tyrion and Jorah, then some handkissing for Dany and Jon is upon them to say goodbye formally.

VS: Where the fook is Theon? Shouldn't he be at the helm of Boaty McBoatface making himself useful? Ohhh, they actually want to be effective, gotcha.

Gilly (Hannah Murray) has been reading a really boring book counting stairs and windows, but Samwell's too busy complaining about the arrogant maesters to listen to the interesting part; she was talking about Raegar's marriage being set aside!! We all sat straight up, keep talking, Gilly!! Shhhhh Samwell!!

Ah Jaysus, his pride is wounded and he's off looking to steal scrolls in the middle of the night when IT'S RIGHT THERE!!

VS: Jeez for someone so smart you're a right dumbass.  I think if I heard Price Raegar and anullment in the same sentence I would be slightly more interested. Jon ain't no bastard anymore! Too legit to quit! Holy Mother of Pearl.

15782 shits LOL. Samwell has cleaned almost that many and HE"S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORRRRRE!

That's it, Samwell's had it, he's outta there and I just hope Gilly took that book with her.

Arya's everywhere at Winterfell, sniffing out Petyr Baelish (Aiden Gillen) receiving and passing around whispers in the courtyard. She follows him down to the archives, where he is handed the only copy of a tiny scroll (letter?) in Winterfell. Arya tosses the room after he leaves

It's a raven from Sansa, swearing fealty to Joffrey I think. She leaves under Littlefinger's watchful eye

VS: Well hay there Bae(lish). The scroll is the one Sansa wrote under duress from Cersei, imploring Robb to swear fealty to Joffrey. We all know how well that ended. Littlefinger knows Arya is onto him and is setting up something big between the sisters, mark my words. Lookit those eyes glitter, you silver fox.

Jon and his new gang have come to ask Tormund Giantsbane (Kristofer Hivju) to join them beyond the wall to snag one tiny little white walker, he thinks they're mad. Like the other people they have in the dungeon wanting to go beyond the wall: The Hound (Rory McCann) and the members of the Brotherhood - Thoros (Paul Kay) and Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer). Gendry isn't very excited about this gang since they sold him to the Red Woman last time he saw them but Jon sees the usefulness. They're all on the same side, after all: breathing

VS: Once again spoiled by the credits, hey it's The Hound! Once again, so many faves together in one place! Welp! Is it just an old wives tale that you lose heat from your head, put on a beanie for crying out loud! Toque? Wolf head? IDK. I'd be wanting to keep my one good ear if I was The Hound.

Well it wasn't as murdery as last episode, but what a lot happened!! Wow! Veronica, I wish we'd had gotten five more minutes with Gilly and that book, but you can prolly explain it to me, yes? You're so good at that.

VS: Youknowit, total fooking know it all, me. It means he annulled his marriage to Elia (Oberyn's sister) and MARRIED LYANNA STARK. JON SNOW IS NOT A BASTAGE! LYANNA WASN'T KIDNAPPED! HE IS THE TRUE HEIR TO THE TARGARYEN THRONE! Okay, I'm done now. So much payoff, I'm exhausted!

We're totally in for a major battle next week, the penultimate episode of the season is usually a ripper. The preview is enough to give me palpitations! FLAMING SWORDS!!!