Hi everyone, we’re already at the the penultimate episode of season 7 of Game of Thrones, I know tonnes has happened, but this seems fast, doesn’t it, Veronica? How can we be here already?? Rolling S7:E6 Beyond the Wall after the break.

You remember where we left off, right? Alls the burly men striding Beyond the Wall to go get a White Walker for Show and Tell with Cersei (Lena Headey).

Let’s see how that pans out, especially since we now pretty much know Jon Snow (Kit Harington), the tiny one in the middle, is the most important person in Westeros for a zillion years. Sorry, Dany.

Gendry (Joe Dempsie) is struggling a bit with the cold, but Tormund Giantsbane (Kristofer Hivju) loves it! He can breathe out here! Gendry asks how they keep their balls from freezing off. Gotta keep moving, see!

VS: Poor Gendry, it’s a bit chilly for someone who’s never seen snow before. Seven Hells, I’m shivering just looking at it. TTM is like pfffft, that’s just a wee frost! Once again, why no head gear? Your ears might shrivel up and fall off and you’ll never hear the White Walkers coming!

Tormund’s not very impressed with maybe-not-so-bright Gendry, but even less so with Jon not bending the knee to Daenerys Targareon (Emilia Clarke). Remember Mance Rader and his unbendable knees, how many people died over his pride?

VS: Ooh, I liked this from Tormund, not what I was expecting him to say. Very wise ginger owl. Also, how beautiful is Iceland? Uh, I mean the North.

It’s not that you’re wrong, Tormund, it’s just the Northerners, see…

HEY!!! I just realised where I know Lady Lyanna Mormont (Bella Ramsey) from!! Shes’ Mildred in The Worst Witch! As you were.

VS: Oh. Right. Of course? Good on her for getting more work! A couple of episodes here and there won’t keep the whole family afloat! That’s how it works for child actors, right?

It’s one big male bonding experience in the wild, with Gendry making up with Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer of DAT VOICE) and Thoros of Myr (Paul Kaye – any relation to Danny Kaye, d’ya think?) for selling him to Melissandre (Carice Van Houten) thanks to The Hound (Rory McCann) teasing him for whinging. Gendry didn’t even die 6 times, so what’s he going on about??

VS: I still can only see Buck from Ice Age whenever I look at him, not that that’s a bad thing. This whole bit was very sitcom, I dig the humour this season. Beats the doom and gloom of Season 5 and 6. Gendry does need to get over himself, Royal Bastage or no.

Then Jon Snow gives Ser Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen) back Long Claw, the Mormont fambly sword, but Ser Schmexy-Pants ain’t having it today: he lost the right to the sword back when he shamed his dad and the rest of the Mormonts.

VS: Someone pointed out that the Longclaw wolf blinks in this scene, Imma try and gif it. I better not be believing random shite on the internets again. Oh okay yep, not true. Here’s Jorah instead.

Well I, for one, am super happy that Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) showed her sister Sansa (Sophie Turner) that scroll right away, but she’s not accepting Sansa’s I Was A Child / THEY MADE ME defense, which means that Petyr Belish (Aiden Gillen) has succeeding in turning the sisters against each other.

See, I know Veronica and I differ slightly on this, but I think Sansa is actually quite good at running Winterfell and I think she’ll do a good job while Jon is away. Veronica thinks she’s gonna go all blood-mad, doncha? And I can’t see that as a horrible thing, except that the Northern lords are kind of arseholes, save Lyanna Mormont, who, coincidentally, is younger than Sansa was when she wrote that letter.

VS: Oh no, I think Sansa is going to make a mistake of epic proportions, I don’t know what, but I sense a Lannister invasion. Arya is no better, she’s letting her training fool her in to thinking she knows how these things work, but as Sansa says, she’s been off travelling the world and really has no idea. Out of the shenanigans at Winterfell I think Littlefinger will come out on top, maybe he’ll be involved in something Lannister-ish that will get him Winterfell. He really is the master of puppets, he hasn’t survived this long for nought.

The thing is: sisters know you better than anyone, because they knew you before you learned to cover up all the spiky parts of your character. And Arya knows Sansa is a cold-blooded mercenary when it comes to power. Girlfriend is a cockroach in a fetching red wig, she will survive. Even Joffrey. Even Ramsay.

VS: Lord Petyr Baelish and Lady Sansa Baelish of Winterfell, you mark my words. You know I’m most likely totally wrong.

Back to the frozen sausage fest, The Hound and Tormund aren’t quite bonding yet, mostly because The Hound hates gingers.

I BEG YOUR PARDON

We’re kissed by fire! Like you, Sandor Clegane, you giant galoot.

VS: Gingers are beautiful. I love it.

Some flirting later (Tormund learned a new word for wobbly bits!) and we’re talking about women, Brienne of Tarth specifically. You know I love Brienne, but I was ever so sad when she broke up Arya and The Hound by handing him his ass in battle.

VS: Nawww, Tormund and Brienne and their big, beautiful babies. The Hound did give Brienne one almighty kick in the taco, and she still beat him.

I swear, this is like a vaudeville routine tonight. Any minute Benny Hill is gonna show up and grab someone’s honkers.

VS: Cue Yakety Sax.

More chitchat, this time between Beric and Jon, Beric’s pretttty sure Jon’s here to serve the Lord of Light, since he got that shiny new life and all.

VS: Good talk, Beric and Jon. The King in the Norf needed something to bring him back to his Night’s Watch roots. I wanna know what Jon can do now, surely he must have a special power or sumpin. Even just a neat trick like setting a sword on fire?

Daenerys Targaryen and her Hand Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) drink wine and talk about why she likes him. It’s because he isn’t a hero. He’s not like “Jorah, Daario, and this….Jon Snow” who go out and get themselves murdered for no reason. Tyrion noted that pregnant pause right before “Jon Snow” and he knows a dragon queen thinking about getting her freak on when he sees it.

SHE SAYS TO A LITTLE PERSON.

I mean.

That’s terrible etiquette, Dany, honestly. Plus, I’d rather Tyrion than Jon Snow any day, brains are so much sexier than the ability to brood on a cliff fetchingly.

Poor Tyrion, always a bridesmaid.

VS: I’m so easy swayed by a dark curly mop and a bit of facial hair, sorry Tyrion. PLUS Jon Snow is my height so I read, told ya I believe everything I read on the internets. Anyway! I’m not liking all this friction between Tyrion and Dany.

They discuss military strategy and fight about the Tarlys again (I know Veronica mourned that loss too) and I mostly zoned out until Tyrion starting asking Dany to name a successor. My ears went right up. Is he…betraying Dany? Why on earth would she need to talk about a successor when she’s not even on the throne? Why does he look so sad after?? IS HE SETTING HER UP?? Veronica, talk me down!!

VS: Dickon Tarly was 6ft bloody 5″, what a monumental waste of beefcake. I’m not sure what Tyrion is playing at here, I GET what he’s saying, but timing dude! Is he trying to get Jon and Dany together? Is he really #TeamLannister all along? I DON’T KNOW!

Jon and gang approach the mountain when they see a bear with blue eyes. WHAT? There are White Walker animals too? Guyliner from the Dothraki tribe doesn’t like it any better than I do and runs away like a little girl, to be eaten by a giant cat. I couldn’t tell if it had blue eyes too, he ate Guyliner too fast.

VS: There were two different animals?? I thought it was just the polar bear?? I have to say I was covering my eyes for some of this, no likey watching people getting munched alive thankyouverymuch. And yes there are definitely White Walker animals, unless those horses are just suffering from a SEVERE case of malnutrition :/

The men go into a last stand formation, back to back in a large circle and out of nowhere a polar bear pops out and starts eating generic members of the cast. Someone lights the bear on fire with flaming swords right before he charges The Hound, this is basically Sandor’s worst nightmare. He freezes, unable to protect himself, but Thoros of Myr jumps in and does it for him, earning a bunch of chest wounds in the process.

Jorah pushes past Sandor to plunge his knife in the bear’s skull for the kill, Sandor’s still not moved but Thoros is in bad shape. The problem is that if Thoros dies, so does Beric since Thoros is the guy bringing him back all the time from the dead. I don’t know why these guys are important, but they are and that would be unfortunate indeed.

VS: More bitey bits I couldn’t watch, mauling just doesn’t do it for me apparently, who knew? I think the Brotherhood is just following The Hound’s vision from the flames, going where the Lord of Light leads them. Typical bloody religious figurehead, making them go the long way round with no explanation. Just tell everyone what you want R’hllor you red bastage!

Sansa drags Petyr into her chambers (YES?? YES???) to workshop the problem with Arya having that scroll, Petyr mostly just lets her talk because she is stupid enough to not realise she canea trust him at ALL. Sure, have him in her chambers, but keep an eye out for spies. He suggests telling Brienne to protect herself from Arya and he’s just pouring gasoline on the fire between these sisters.

VS: See I thought that he suggested that Sansa tell Brienne that Arya was threatening her so that she’d be obliged to protect her. Automatic bodyguard mode, and gets Brienne and the sisters out of his glorious hair so he can advance his own plan? It’s all getting very complicated, this game of whispers!

Jorah and Thoros shoot the shite about the time Jorah saw Thoros fight like the craziest breach jumper ever, some more fangirling and we’re into the thick of the battle with the White Walkers.

Jon manages to slice through the middle of the leader and all the other walkers but one falls down in pieces too. The one walker left figures out pretty quick he’s piggy in the middle, how is this going to work? The Hound gets a couple of fingers bitten off while they try to restrain the lucky showpiece and then there’s a distant thundering…

VS: I don’t think we knew that each senior White Walker has it’s own little fambly of wights, and kill the daddy and they all die. The one left must have been over hanging out with his mates when the Seven arrived, unlucky. I didn’t think they really communicated by speech either but I swear they all came running when he screeched. Inneresting.

RUNNNNNNN!!!!!

Jon sends Gendry off to tell everyone what’s happened and get a raven off to Dany, but Tormund takes Gendry’s hammer and now he’s alone and unarmed in unfamiliar territory.

I’ve been thinking, though: what good is Gendry these days? He’s Robert Baratheon’s son, but that hardly matters with all the Targareons floating around.

VS: As Gendry is Robert Baratheon’s son, I guess that means he has more of a claim to the throne than Cersei? But how to prove this without DNA? Is Jon saving him as a backup if he doesn’t make it? I guess all those years of rowing have paid off, boy has dope cardio skills.

They run away from the thousands of wights chasing them, out onto the ice, giving them no choice but to make an attempt. I’m worried because The Hound is already so heavy (no body shaming) and he’s carrying their Show and Tell.

So here we have it. Our gang trapped on a little ice flow in the middle of frozen water surrounded by wights in said frozen water because the ice broke. One more of the generic cast members got et, too.

VS: All these flailing limbs and people getting dragged down, I keep thinking someone important has been nommed. Nope, just random wildling/Dothraki I’ve never seen before. Phew! Our crew has been fortunate so far, apart from old Man Bun of Myr of course.

THEY COULD SURE USE A DRAGON RIGHT NOW

Gendry makes it to The Wall I think!! While the gang on the rock tries not to die of hypothermia while staring at certain death in the form of several tens of thousands of white walkers.

Thoros is no more.

VS: Aw, that’s a shame. Who will drink all the drink and resurrect people now? Beric, you best watch yourself now!

The Hound callously takes Thoros’s hip flask, no biggie, whatevs. Jon snags it so they can burn Thoros’ body, which Beric does by lighting his sword afire.

Beric is ready, this is the time! Jon’s waiting for Daenerys and her (their) dragons, but Beric wants to fight the Night King right effing now. If they kill him, the war is over because the Night King turned EVERYONE.

VS: Jon is totally the step-daddy now huh. The test of a relationship is if the kids/pets like the newbie after all.

Meanwhile, Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing? She wants to send Brienne instead, how will she protect both sisters then? Brienne has that same question, but Sansa will not be swayed. Huh

VS: Sansa deliberately going against Littlefinger’s recommendation, well well well. No doubt this was his plan all along. But look on the bright side Brienne, your BFF Jaime and his hot (incesty) bod are in King’s Landing! This is totally turning into Game Of Pervs, huh. And that’s just me!

Tyrion does not agree that Dany should rush off to Beyond the Wall, he thinks (again) that she should do nothing. Dany, in a lovely furry jacket, disagrees, fanks.

VS: Dany is looking fierce AF, but you know that’s not nearly enough layers for flying up Norf. 

The Hound is bored and tired of saying c*nt all the time so he passes the time by throwing rocks at the army of the dead…showing all those dead warriors that the ice has now frozen again and they can make their attack. Good job, Sandor. Whatta c*nt.

We’re down to non-generic cast members now, I do NOT like this!!

Ah feck they almost had Tormund!!!

VS: Faaark, I thought our Ginger Bae was done for! I was expecting it but I think I starting sobbing right then. So relieved! I keep thinking that anyone who gets bit will turn but I think I’m confusing my horror tropes.

THIS WHOLE FIGHT IS REMINDING ME OF WHY I STOPPED WATCHING THE WALKING DEAD!! I got all wobbly when I saw Tormund with the blood on his forehead and then this tearing apart of the last generic cast member when he fell into the crowd – SO GLENN!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Time slows down for Jon as he surveys all the carnage around him but I have to say, if I was going to be in a battle to the end with anyone, I would also choose Tormund, The Hound, Beric and Jorah to be back to back with.

And now we have the dragons!! They have no long-range spears, no scorpion to attack Drogon with, just a bunch of white walkers to eat.

OR DO THEY

VS: Uh Dany, aim for the big blue guy on the cliff! 

The Night King has a long white staff and he GETS VISERION!!!!!!! WILL HE NOW BE A DRAGON WITH BLUE EYES??? Oh Dany. And then Jon is fighting and everyone is on Drogon but Jon isn’t because he’s still fighting and then omigod he’s in the water and the Night King has another white staff: GO DANY!!!!!!!

The Night King misses and they’re away, but Jon is still underwater!! Is he gonna die again?

And then he’s up and he has Long Claw and then he falls asleep? He seems super tired.

VS: LONGCLAW’S EYES! Yes I know its probably a reflection, sigh. And seriously, in those furs? No way you’re getting out of that water Jon Boy. I GUESS if I can suspend belief over White Walkers, Dragons, and travelling at the speed of teleporting, I can believe it. Mebbe Jon is immortal!

A figure on a horse comes out of nowhere, swinging fire and riding right up to Jon: it’s Uncle BenJen (Joseph Mawle) and we getta see ANOTHER last stand. Honestly, Game of Thrones, stoppit.

Dany stands watch on the wall, waiting and waiting for Jon, but there is nothing. Or is there? There IS!! Jon’s wounds are tended to while Daenaerys watches and Sansa searches Arya’s room.

She finds a bunch of faces in Arya’s bag, that probably seems creepy to someone who doesn’t spend a lot of time in Braavos.

VS: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again, Sansa.

Ah Jaysus, Arya wants to play the Game of Faces with Sansa. I fear a world of hurt is ahead for Sansa.

Not exactly, but it gets SUPER creepy between Sansa and Arya. What’s UP?

Jon awakes all naked and scarred in his bed of furs, Dany sitting there crying next to him. Hey hey hey you guys! Ten bibles between you! She pledges herself to killing the Night King and then he offers to bend the knee! After calling her Dany and SOMEBODY NEEDS TO WALK IN RIGHT NOW!!!

Danereys pulls the plug with an odd look on her face, seriously, we were inches away from Incest Bingo on this show.

VS: See above, Dany! I like seeing a quieter side to them both, it’s a shame they’re related and all. They both seem so young, and beautiful. Don’t think we don’t know what you’re hiding under that blanket, Jon Snow. Seriously Bran, send a goddamn raven to your brother.

And the dead people are dragging up Viserion.

VS: No wonder the Army of the Dead are so freaking slow, dragging all that chain behind them. I wonder if Viserion will breathe fire or ice now? Either way, he’ll be able to melt the wall or freeze the water around Eastwatch so they can just walk around it. Bran better pull his finger out and do some warging sometime soon, surely if he can take over Hodor he could take a zombie dragon. Poor Wylis.

HONESTLY. DOES THIS SHOW EVER END?? I have an early flight in the morning!

Oh, sorry, now it’s over, now that the Night King has a dragon and Team Tryhard has two. Goodnight, love you, mean it!

VS: That was hectic! What the heck is in store for us next week? Holy shite, the preview gave me goosebumps!