I AM SO EXCITED!! It's Bread Week on The Great British Bake Off, woooo! I bake so much bread. So much. And it's never as fancy as they do on the show but I love the artistry and pretending like I know what I'm talking about! Let's roll GBBO S9:E03 right now!
It seems Kim-Joy and I are on the same page, she is all about the bread and is feeling the pressure of performing at the highest level. (In an unfamiliar kitchen with an oven nobody's got sorted yet).
You know who would be excellent at this show? My friend Violet of England, she makes the really difficult breads and the best Yorkshire Puddings I've ever seen online. She'd MURDER at this!
Hosts Noel Fielding and Sandi Toksvig do a lovely opening, they communicate! I do quite like Sandi, she's a great foil for our giant visigoth.
Dan Beasley-Harding and Ruby Bhogal are worried about judge Paul Hollywood and his breadmaking expertise, he's gonna be poking and prodding all over their loaves!
*not a euphemism*
Do you think Kim-Joy was worried she didn't have enough makeup on and fell into some kind of Sephora mixer? I can't tell what she looks like!
Chelsea Buns are the focus of the first challenge, there must be a full dozen still attached for Paul and Prue to pull apart.
Why do some people use their fingers to pull flour out of the jar? It drives me mad, there are spoons everywhere and it's not exactly massive: dump it out! Why get flour everywhere? I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS!!
The secret of the Chelsea Bun dough is that it's enriched with milk and fat, which makes it slower to rise. (I do mine overnight) Judge Prue Leith will be looking for that delicate balance and prowess.
Kim-Joy is the first baker to be visited by the judges, she's using a wetter method (tamsin? Paul understood anyway) so Paul is interested to see how it turns out.
We getta little backstory with her visiting her boyfriend with trays of buns, I used to do that too! I would get up at 5 am to bake cinnamon buns for my former partner and sorry sorry, where were we?
Manon Lagreve is using Chai tea bags to add flavour to her buns, we see a slice of her life with her flatmate Charlotte (flatmate? But they wear the exact same pajamas?).
Dan's making a orange-spiced bun, his kids love them!
Antony Amourdoux is going my way with a decadent breakfast bun.
He and his partner Gary (also wearing matching clothing) like to experiment in the kitchen, he's adding bacon and pecans.
Mustachioed Terry is an artistic type, he's using his own Amalfi lemons!
Everyone works their dough hard to get the gluten built, the proofing is the other part and they need time for both.
Ruby's making an Indian-inspired dough, I'm sure it will be lovely. We get some video of her working out, she's a fitness fanatic, apparently. We know she did a marathon!
Briony Williams is using 25-year-old Balsamic Vinegar for her buns, oooooh. I bet that's amazing! The good stuff you use a dropper to dole it out, 25 year has to be fab.
Karen Wright is making pink/red dough and marzipan...she know exactly who she is and I.dig.it.
Paul shittalks her choices, shouldn't she try something else? Pfft
Jon Jenkins is a huge football fan (is that like soccer?), so he's themed his buns accordingly.
Prue isn't sure about the marshmallows on top
Poor Rahul Mandal is shaking in his boots at his table, he makes new friends via baking! Me too!
Everyone is rolling and cutting and rolling some more and poor Terry's forgot his sprinkle pre-rolling. Disaster! Nobody's dough is rising all that well, I guess because they can't do a wet, steamy proof that buns enjoy so much. No time!
Antony is waiting and waiting and WAITING!
Icing time! I find that soothing to watch, sometimes when I'm feeling wobbly I go on Instagram and watch people ice things. Judging time!
Even, nice colour, delicate and soft dough.
Slightly overbaked, but heart shaped! Beautiful flavours, just five minutes less would have been magic.
Even, nice colour, absolutely delicious: another Hollywood Handshake! It's "annoyingly perfect!"
Overbaked and tough, dry dry dry nice flavour but dry, did you catch the dryness, Antony?
They look like Paul's, great filling and flavour.
Bit exploded, yes?
Lovely but same, same, Karen!
Not enough sugar, too dry and not sticky enough
Rahul apologizes for the fruit on top, but Paul and Prue love it!
It's done and over, I worry about Antony while Rahul worries about EVERYTHING, I hope he's going to be okay! He got a great review AND was Star Baker last week, you got this, Rahul!
There is only one baketestant I do not like, they're doing quite well so I'm trying to come to terms with it, but it's uphill all the way.
Technical Challenge time! It's going to be a very short one, they have to make a 8 non-yeasted garlic naan breads. Woooo, in one hour?? Without an extremely hot Tandoor oven? HOW?
Oh they're supposed to grill the naan, hmmm. Look how pretty!
Paul's totally messing with out bakers, this is going to be almost impossible.
The dough is extremely wet, such a mess. All the bakers are peering at everyone else's dough, only Terry seems relaxed as he's made this before.
They have to MAKE the ghee?? They don't even get clarified butter but rather have to skim off the solids while rising dough?
In one hour.
Jon's with me and C, he loves garlic more than breathing so it's good we don't have to choose.
Terry putters away contentedly with everyone else getting increasingly panicky.
Baking is same same, nobody knows when it's done or not done, why is it white on the bottom and they're not even close to the same size!
Oh goodness, I don't think Kim-Joy even got hers out.
This is Terry's challenge to lose, he's got this! Go Terry, go Terry! You can't beat experience.
The placing, from worst to best: Kim-Joy, Briony, Antony, Ruby, Dan, Karen, Rahul, Manon, Jon and Terry!!
Ruby's just glad she wasn't the worst Indian in the room, Antony's from the Roti region, okay??
*Being from Canada, it feels very uncomfortable using the expression "Indian" because it's often used as a racial slur here, even though she's referring to people from India. I suppose it's like when I freak out my English friends by asking them to play the card game "Bugger Your Neighbour."
Kim-Joy bucks up her courage and we're back for the Showstopper Challenge the next day!
It's a Tiered Whatsit (Coravine? Will wait for pics) and they have 5 hours!
It's a Korovai Celebration Bread! And it does look very fancy, ooooooh.
Prue wants the korovai to be decorated in a way that means something to the bakers, three tiers of luscious bread.
Ruby is making a wedding korovai for her parents, with FOUR tiers
Her dough looks awesome.
Antony is also making a wedding bread, it looks unreal! There's a ZIPLINE
Kim-Joy's wedding cake is for two cats, Ruffles and Raffles.
You can't make this up.
Dan's made an unusual choice, he's just about murdered his mixer to make one huge batch of dough instead of doing two or more smaller batches. Interesting.
So many wedding korovai's with little fiddly bits! Dan's got two fellas on top of his massive design.
Karen's looks delicious!
Rahul is finding the rolling very relaxing.
But he's making 200 decorative pieces??
Jon's making something completely unpronounceable
and using a picture of his daughters as inspiration. Awwww
I love that Manon is making something different, no wedding cake here!
Briony's adding decorations inside her dough??
So much braiding!
Terry is using terra cotta baking cloches, we've got a dark horse here, ladies and gentlemen!
Noel and Sandi play around with a clay owl? It's half time and the bakers are soooo stressed out.
People are proofing in every single place they can, at least it's warm out!
Kim-Joy is excellent at making cats, isn't she? Oh boo, Terry's terra cotta baking cloches ate his dough, his careful decoration has been ruined. Jon's bread hasn't proofed, so he's not breathing either.
People don't have their bread in yet! Oh no, Rahul's looks burned, so does Antony's and more sticking from Terry's cloches!!
Oh Jon, that's not good and neither is Rahul's burnt top.
I CAN'T TAKE IT!!
Looks lovely, a little bit tight but tastes good
So well decorated, I hope it's not dry! Paul calls it fantastic, you're a little genius there, Rahul!
They love the decoration and call it beautifully baked. But the flavour is not enough.
Paul calls it perfection!
Looks clumsy, it's awful with too much fruit. Very HEAVY
I love this bread, look how gorgeous that is! It looks like the picture! But it's raw-ish
And the zipline works! Bit heavy, underproofed and overbaked
Massively underproofed, not well executed.
It looks lovely! Tastes: too strong and lacking salt. Design is impeccable, inside is no bueno
Paul calls it basic and underproofed, Prue thinks it doesn't have enough flavour. Briony and I try not to cry.
Dan and Rahul are in the running for Star Baker, but we've got Briony and Antony in trouble but BOOOOO. I love them both already!
And now we hear the news for the week:
Star Baker is: Rahul again!
And leaving early is: Antony! Aww man, I don't want to lose Antony, we cry as he goes, but he keeps smiling. Aw man.
Until next time, you lot, cheers!