So sorry to be lollygagging on Gigolos, let’s see if we can’t do a bunch and get caught up! Rolling!

Heh. I said do a bunch. Okay! So we’re rolling at Mingo Kitchen & Lounge, and Brace is at lunch with his two dorky nephews Trevor and Tyler, seriously, they look and sound like really tall robot elves that are programmed to repel bagina.

Tyler (skinnier elf) didn’t drink on the plane, but Trevor drank allls the free drinks from another dude on the plane, sounds like someone had a crush! And not a bagina, which makes sense. Mine is trying to attach a padlock currently, just watching these guys.

Trevor is enjoying a four year relationship with a total package; she has the perfect meat bags! I have to call scripted shenanigans; not one person alive thinks that’s a good description for a butt. Oh no, wait, she has the perfect milk bubbles, which also has never been used in the history of conversation to describe ANY body parts, this is going to be a painful episode,  I can feel it in my waters (thanks, BeckyMae!). Brace calls him on it, oh t*ts right! I’m gonna need some Dramamine, I can feel the eye rolling affecting my equilibrium already.

They think every day spent with Brace is a vacation to Braceland; what do the nephews think about what he does for a living? Why he’s providing a service, of course! A much-needed one and I’m going to need someone back in Charlotte (Shar-LOTT) Michigan to tell me what would happen if one of the local womenfolk went to the big city to be an escort. Would they be providing a necessary and humanitarian service, or would she be referred to as “that effling hewer what nobody talks about”? Get back to me in comments!

Oh wait, Trevor’s girlfriend is EVEN better than advertised thus far! She’s not one of those “loony bins” and rates a 4 on the Crazy Scale! Brace figures all chicks are born at a 4, so high fives! I may need something stronger than Dramamine.

Tyler hasn’t been dating, though, he can’t find anyone “on his level”, yeah, he’s got a pretty good level. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Is there a robotic elf rating chart and he’s somewhere above Gollum but right under Dobby?

Ah, it seems Trevor has trouble closing the deal, hard to believe that any woman doesn’t want to bump fuzzies with someone THIS enlightened. Did he talk at all? I think I’ve figured out the problem. Brace advises him to follow the rules of Locking Down Meat Bags and also selling mid-range goods in nicer furniture stores: Always Be Closing, or the ABCs. Don’t be scurred; invite them over to your house for a drink! Or eleven!

We break away from the fascinating DoubleTs to see Nick Hawk mentoring a new young gigolo. He’s Billy and he hawt. I know I shouldn’t say that because: tribal tattoo, I mean. And very typical, but yeah. HAWT.

Garren’s sent him to shadow Nick for one of his regular dates, Nick gives what he thinks is good advice, but really, it’s just an excuse to talk about himself. He COULD have said: don’t be nervous, look for something special in each woman and drink lots. What he SAID was: oh that doesn’t happen for me anymore, it’s like a form of meditation. Drink lots. But not today! And wear something nicer! He says to Billy in a white wife-beater mantank, while he sits there in a black wifebeater mantank stinking of Axe bodyspray and desperation.

The client is really adorable 29-year-old real estate broker Natalie, who has the cutest giggle EVER.

I mean. Anyway, Nick figures this is a good time to talk about his first session, which was with a couple, the male half of which wanted Nick to “nut in her (the wife’s) butt” because the hubs liked cre*mpies. I’m just trying to keep the amount of disappointed readers to a minimum with my symbol subterfuge, it’s PG-13 here, peeps, sorry! They’re poolside now, and Natalie interviews that she likes Nick and the service because it simplifies things and she just doesn’t have time for a relationship.

She’s pretty, and built exactly like your pron star next door. She’s talking breathlessly about being pushed out of a plane for parachuting and she loves that, she loves having her “power stripped from” her and that’s Nick’s cue to get on in there! He grabs her and they make out until she giggles, “Billy…!” I mean. Nick is focused on the client, as per Gigolo Code, so he kept forgetting Billy was there. Billy is enjoying the show and Natalie is enjoying putting one on for him, they’re totally synergizing!

There’s a hilarious part in the middle where she’s sitting on the lounger, down to her ginch and writhing away and making ducklips a mile a minute while also kind of…yelping? Squealing? And Nick has to stop and take off his jewelry, which takes more than a minute.

You know who likes all that yelping and writhing? Billy! Nick and Natalie are in the pool and Billy’s got all his clothes off and is ready to jump in. Oh hell no, Nick does NOT like having men around, or anyone touching his ass. I’m sure that has nothing to do with insecurity or homophobia. He yells at Billy, who dejectedly re-dresses and complains in interview while Nick goes down for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER!! Woo hoo! It must be because she has such a conventionally attractive body, that’s all I could think of. I’ve watched every episode of Gigolos since it came out (what?? Don’t look at me like that!) and that was a first. Wow. I didn’t even know he knew where anything was!

Oh, and he’s helping save lives, one d*ggy style at a time. I mean. They must edit shite out, because that is the sum total of what he does and I love the infomercial the women do after about how it’s all about them. He screwed you from behind while making sure the camera caught his tattoos properly, I wouldn’t start filling out humanitarian award ballots just yet. Also: banging in chlorinated water is never a good idea. FYI, Master Gigolo.

Ash is sick, but fulfilling his obligation to a friend who owns an art gallery. It’s called Wine & Canvas and looks like a Paint Night, where ladies (mostly) drink lots and paint together and I would sooner staple both my eyelids to a hot car on a summer day in South Carolina. The ladies (and gentlemen!) are pretty excited to hear Ash is a gigolo, wooooo! He really does have a spectacular physique, but you can tell he feels terrible, he looks so tahred and just wants to go hooommmme.

Brace, his nephews, Vin, and Bradley are at the R&D Hipster Emporium and I kind of love that they just throw that out there! Vin has just the coaster for Brace and he’s getting it for him: “Shut Your Whore Mouth.” Heard. Trevor and Tyler are looking for clothes, Tyler just needs a little sprucing up, a little brightening, how about one of your neon purple v-neck tshirts and some of them there fancy jeans, Brace? If R&D is oot, check Rags For DBags across the street.

Stories about Brace! He took his nephews to look at a house and then had sex with the realtor (?) or his girlfriend while the 5 or 6 year old kiddos listened. Uh. Then he gave Trevor a big old box of Magnum condoms for Christmas in front of everyone, when Trevor was 12. Like you would. Perhaps Brace sensed, even then, that not all reproduction is advisable.

The nephews swear everyone back home knows what Brace does, it’s all cool, man! As many chicks as he was always pulling…let’s change the gender on that, just for funzies! As many dudes as Madge was banging at the drive-thru (not even drive-in, takes too long), it makes total sense that she would go and sell her bum on the backpages in Las Vegas, good job Madge! I’d LIKE to think that the supposed open-mindedness of the good townsfolk of Charlotte, Michigan was a sign of a shift in conventional values, but I bet it’s just the fact that it’s a swinging dick and not a bagina for sale.

Sorry, I’m just amusing myself because there is so much shite in this episode. Blah blah Grandpa Bulldog blah blah feeding alcohol to minors blah stink-finger. Yeah. Anyway. Tyler chooses a generic black shirt over jeans and I’m struggling to see the revolutionary here. He thinks it’s “first time the charm” and thank you Vin for calling them on that one. Vin is the best at selling this bull and even he’s looking a little strained.

We’ve moved on to another Bradley date; this is 40 year old Laurel, originally from Shreveport, LA. She’s a paralegal in entertainment law.

Laurel says she just needs to find the right person, she’s been living like a nun for the last ten years while she looks for Mr. Perfect, she will not settle. I could say all kinds of things about that, but something about the way she opens her eyes really wide every few seconds makes me wonder if there isn’t more at play here, and I think I might just err on the side of not-so-mean. Bradley is rocking this awful Wolverine muttonchop cheek beard thing, beards are over, Bradley! Like way over!

Laurel has hired Cowboys4Angels thanks to a friend’s husband’s joking with her, and Google. Thank you, Google! She figures she’s a total package: not bad-looking, in good shape, no baggage, can cook, educated and again, must tread lightly. I think she might have something unfortunate going on upstairs. Or no personality. No personality is totally fair game!

He calls her “fcuking beautiful” and “fcuking outstanding” and she does have spectacular teeth! Bradley and his shiny blue suit wander off to the kitchen to see what’s for playing. Oh god. They’re going to mess with food. I have such an aversion to watching people smear foodstuffs on each other, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude in any way, shape or form, but it’s just so UNSANITARY! Also; for the non-smeary stuff people like to use: take it out of the fridge a few hours before. Nobody likes a kold kooter.

Oh man *dry heaves* edible oil products are everywhere and candied cherries and Hershey’s syrup, Imma need a minute. Okay, okay, now they’re moving on to the actual sex on the granite countertop: that looks cold AND uncomfortable. I think I need to relax a scootch. Not any time soon, though, she’s moaning like a poodle being kicked and I don’t get why women do that in educational movies either.

Infomercial time! Laurel feels better and ready to get out there and find that Mr. Right!

Oh jeez, okay, we’re back with Brace and his nephews, Trevor’s all done up in a purple shirt and after some light banter about how they ejaculate (do men do this? Like for reals?), Brace sends him at two young women who were just trying to have a drink! Gawd!

He’s kinda cute and they’re friendly, answering him as he fumbles for an opening. He asks them what they do, the one says “cocktail waitress:” and he says he’s talking to some “high class babes” and WHO SAYS THAT? They haven’t heard it either, and all of a sudden can’t remember where their phones are. It gets ugly and I’d like to think it wasn’t scripted, but he turns around immediately and moves on to two other lovely ladies at the bar. These ones look older and wiser, and his line is actually WORSE. “For being in the desert, you two ladies sure are wet.” Nobody knows what to do with that.

In the post-mortem, it seems Tyler was trying to close too soon, ah never do that. Just talk to people, be nonchalant, advises Uncle Brace: be good to people. It’s making Brace think about having kids of his own in a general way.

Now for the denouement of this charade:Tyler takes one more run at the bar, but inside this time, almost out of view. He sits next to an attractive young lady and buys her a drink: classic opener. She’s the owner of a brand new t-shirt line with just sliiightly inappropriate sayings. He waits a little bit longer this time, then goes in for the number. She stares at him hard for a minute, weighing things, and then decides yes, yes she does need more publicity for her slightly inappropriate t-shirt line and he gets the digits. Now he should walk away before he screws it up. Go! GO!!!

And we’re out. I feel like I should apologize for not finding a lot I liked about this particular episode, but when a 30 minute show starts with an almost full 10 minutes of scripted shenanigans that doesn’t even involve any boning, I get a little rammy. I also like this show because it typically shows more than one body type / age range and I guess we had an age range? Hm. Hey, I liked the name of the R&D Hipster Emporium! Until next time, when we go to Braceland again!