And this is it, part two of the Girls season 5 finale! I AM NOT HAPPY!! I don’t want it to be over! But, I also can’t wait to get to it, so let’s roll!

Hannah’s running! That’s not like her! But I LOVE her fitness gear. She sees her parents on her step and just keeps running, Loreen shouting after “I saw you see us!” and I don’t know why, but that cracks me right up.

She’s not returning their calls! Not even Tad’s 23 psycho phone calls the other day; they just wanna spend time with her! Um. Whut? It’s Opposite Day! Hannah is running and her parents want to see HER! One of whom is gay and the other is dressed like Pat Benetar, so there’s that.

She’s gotta finish her run! And no, laughing parents, it’s not bullshit, she’s been running a LOT lately, enjoying those endorphins that help her deal with THEM. THEM are still laughing as she lopes off.

Ray and Marnie are pillowtalking, ugh. Sorry she didn’t cum (come?), the good news is she can only do that when she kind of hates someone. She’s working on it with her online therapist and sure. RAY. HONESTLY. We see more of her body than even before, side boob and most bum, and a bonus peeing shot, so I understand why people would think she’s a catch.

Side note: I love that Allison Williams hasn’t had to do any full nudity on this show, like everyone else, although she did have to have her salad pretend-tossed on national TV. I feel like Lena Dunham just LOVES to make her actors uncomfortable and I dig that partially because she also goes balls-out, almost literally, but I also respect that some of these people maybe don’t want to hipster-monologue in the altogether, so kudos, Allison!

ANYWAY! Marnie’s going on tour and opening for The Lumineers, which are NOT tooth caps, as Ray thought, but a great band with unfortunate hats. Another small aside: I follow them on Twitter and when they announced who would be supporting them on their tour, I had to ask: are they reading you daily affirmations and carrying your equipment, or are they OPENING for you? Big difference. Plus I think I’m hilarious, so, that’s fair warning.

During the longest pee ever (he is NOT giving her a UTI right before going on tour) she complains about Tandace coming with Desi on tour, and asks Ray to be her suitcase pimp as protection. You know, make sure she has coconut water and sorted vitamins and I think I blacked out there for a minute, nobody can roll their eyes for that long without consequence. He agrees because he is a total moron where Marn is concerned.

Ray’s Coffee is BUZZING, the hipster-hate striking a chord for people. Hermie even turns away a dude with a manbun AND beard, although I didn’t see any egregious tattoos. Shosh is all ack! We can’t actually turn people away, we just want to glare and bully them silently until they leave AFTER buying coffee! Hermie presses forward, no buns, no tattoos not acquired during a naval tour of duty, all will be treated like hippies in Disneyland in 1968. The New York Times is coming!

Oh man, I am such a moron, of course Tally and Hannah were smoking up at Hannah’s apartment, and that’s why Adam and Jessa were there, Laird living in the same building as Hannah, of course. Sorry, I TOTALLY messed that up for the last recap.

Jessa is feeding Sample, but not properly, apparently. SAMPLE IS SO CUTE!!!! Sorry, sorry, Jessa is stuffing a tonne of food into Sample’s mouth, but not scraping up the extra and just letting it fall all over the scarf they’re using as a bib. Sample’s not choking, ADAM, says Jessa, she’s just spitting it out like a normal person. He takes over while Jessa rants and raves that she’s trying, ADAM! She watched TWO YouTube videos about babies, ADAM! Oh hey, maybe if he wants someone good with babies, he should call Hannah! Hannah likes to try to french kiss babies? WTH Hannah??

Adam doesn’t understand why Jessa’s bringing up Hannah right now and he is stone cold right now. I think he is over the Jessa factor, yo.

Hannah is avoiding her parents still, ignoring them, but knows what it’s like to be with someone super-judgy (Fran) so agrees to stop judging them if they get better haircuts. Because she’s judged their haircuts to be not good enough. And now shush, she’s getting ready for The Moth tonight.

What’s The Moth? It’s an open-mic storytelling contest that is like “a doorway to Ira Glass” and NPR opportunities. She’s writing! But her clothes will not do, even with a chunky heel; Loreen’s taking her shopping.

Really, it’s more about bonding, Loreen knows EXACTLY what Hannah is going through with Jessa and Adam, her boyfriend Dale, hunky debate team leader (those words are not often seen all together like that) started sleeping with math major Cadence while Loreen was away mourning Great Aunt Bibs and that was too funny to not put all down. Cadence died two years later in a freak accident, though, beware, Jessa. Loreen wishes that for you.

Hannah comes out of the change room with her pants still down, pulling them up to stand in front of the mirrors. I MEAN. NOBODY DOES THAT. Nobody in this world or any other has ever walked out of a dressing room without pulling their pants up. NEVER. She’s like a giant baby! ANYWAY, that shirt is boring.

Hannah wants Adam again.

Elijah’s home! He’s knocking at the door, he needs to wash his lower half! By that he means his, yeah, you get it, but he lays it out for Tad anyway, through the door. Elijah comes in looking sweaty and giving Tad an extry long hug, he’s not sleeping and is probably high right now. He’s just having good time! A good, good time.

So what’s Tad here for, another Gay-For-All? But no, he’s here with his wife and high/drunk Elijah gets mean. I’m sensing a move on Tad and that cannot happen. You can’t sleep with your ex-girlfriend’s dad, dude. Elijah feels like giving up but Tad doesn’t. He’s just getting started.

No. No, I was wrong, but I’m leaving it anyway, because NOW I don’t know where the fcuk anyone was last episode, because Adam and Jessa are at Adam’s apartment, and Laird’s there to pick up Sample. Adam checks Laird’s eyes before handing over the wee bebeh, good to go!

Ah and now comes the fight that’s been building between Jessa and Adam. Jessa can’t just forget about Hannah; Hannah will always be her dearest friend. So Adam saying that Hannah’s out of their lives: not working. Jessa blames Adam for making her a boyfriend stealer, and she will never, ever forgive him for that. Then they throw things and break a bunch of shite.

Desi is signing autographs for a bunch of young hippie girls drooling with adoration, lotsa mermaid waves and flowers. Ray and Marnie walk up, Marnie in her classic bun and chic clothes couldn’t look more different than these young women. Tandace’s dad died, so she won’t be joining them on the tour for a while (from what? I dunno, sounded serious) and it’s as though I can actually hear the countdown clock ticking until Marnie sends Ray home. I mean, there’s Desi talking to her while not singing and no Tandace. Ray and Desi agree to keep things cordial and I hate to see a smile on Ray’s face. Marnie is doomed to disappoint him.

Crazy fight time with Adam and Jessa; EVERYTHING is being broken and Hannah is right there, between them the whole time. The flawed way they met precluded anything from ever becoming anything and lots of profanities hurled at and about the absent, but very present, Hannah. It ends when Adam breaks down the bathroom door with his fists, very heeeere’s Johnny from The Shining and Jessa is done. Her and her big ass and great hair are DONE.

There is a huge lineup outside The Moth, people are chosen to speak based on what their topic is, not their looks, Lance-Bass-suited Elijah. He does have all the chutzpah, though, pushing to the front of the line to put Hannah’s name in, TWICE. Dude formerly in front of the line does not think that was cool; he has a podcast, he cares. That’s a gorgeous non-sequitur. Tad isn’t coming?

HEY!! Ophira Eisenberg is hosting!! I love her book “Screw Everyone: Sleeping My Way To Monogamy”! I think she wrote it from my BRAIN. Oh, and she’s from Canada, too, just south in Calgary! HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?? AHHHHH!!!

The theme is jealousy; yay sex stories! Randomly drawn storytellers starting: NOW! First up, Leslie Johnstone, aka, NotHannahYet. Montage! Then Hannah HorVAITH. And no notes! She didn’t know that, or that her name had a long A sound in it.

She tells the Ballad of Jessa, who looks like “Brigitte Bardot and a mermaid had a baby” (don’t forget Rhianna’s ass!) and Adam, who are fcking and how that story rolls. She was mad, she worked herself up with ball-cupping and rosebud lip-biting imagery, but she didn’t, really didn’t want to be that girl. That Hannah she always is, not the funky-flowing youth, but the one prone to starting new nuclear disasters with her emotions. It ended, though, when she brought over a Good Luck fruit basket to Adam’s house and heard all the madness and chaos of Jessa and Adam fighting. I wondered at the time if that “HANNAH’S A B*TCH!!” “HANNAH’S A C-WORD THAT DOESN’T MOO!!” was for overhearing benefit, there you go. And she’s out and she’s done.

At Ray’s Coffee, Hermie and Shosh dance the night out to “I Love You Baby” and I love that song!

Marnie’s trying to get Desi to warm up for the show, he’s busy being “interviewed (blown)” by one of the mermaid-haired neo-hippies of earlier for her website, which he totally digs. The website, that is.

Hey!! Tad’s off to see the guy he met online last time, that’s why he wasn’t at The Moth to see Hannah! Loreen and Elijah drink on the sidewalk while Adam and Jessa lay naked after makeup sex in the middle of all the destruction they hath wrought and Hannah’s fruit basket of forgiveness lurks in the hallway.

Hannah herself walks and runs off alone, looking as happy as we’ve ever seen her. Good season, even growth that didn’t feel cliched and that is rare. AHHHHH How did I not know Michael Penn did the music? I must have. I loved his early nineties hit No Myth and that’s what I shall close out with. Thanks so much for reading this season!