I’m kind of sad that Girls is over already for this season, but at least they’re taking us out on a double header tonight! Let’s roll part one of the season finale, right after the break.

Last time, Hannah finally broke up with Fran (hallelujah!), Marnie learned Desi has a new/old girlfriend and will only communicate during singing (they should totally do a musical portion!), Caroline bailed while dealing with some heavy post partum psychosis, leaving Adam and Laird to pick up the ball and baby, and Shosh doesn’t know what the Sam Hill she’s doing back in the country of Rude.

Fran cannot believe Hannah broke up with him, he doesn’t act like this! He doesn’t yell! He’s a “good fcuking boyfriend!” Hannah stops him “you’re a dick. A secret dick, but a dick to be sure, but you are a dick” and AMEN. Who hasn’t had that boyfriend who everyone ELSE loves? Hey, WTF Hannah, no need to shit on Administrative Assistants that Fran might hypothetically meet in a sports bar??ADMINS CAN STILL HAVE TASTE!! Why is Fran arguing so hard for this relationship when he doesn’t even like Hannah? “It does not matter if I like you, okay? I love you.” Little Mr. Can’t Be Wrong.

Fran. GTFO

Marnie is having a sex dream? And it’s so good it wakes her up? Sure. Oh and it was about Ray, she and Elijah are discussing it and I guess if I have to have Marnie, at least I get Elijah! It wasn’t even a sex dream, it was a love dream, and she came thinking about brushing Ray’s hair. Imma need a minute.

Oh wait, it gets creepier, and this is why dream interpretation is better left to online endeavors: Ray had long Khaleesi hair and Marnie was getting her Ray-daughter ready for school. And then orgasmed. I’m not touching any of that.

At Ray’s shop, he’s singing badly along to a song about not being any love around and in walks Shosh! Yay! Ray and I are very excited! She asks if Ray’s shop is closed and that’s a fair question, he’s all by himself. Can I suggest something, Girls people? Why doesn’t Ray turn that place into a pub? Got great wood, stools, have some hipster poem readings in the back and small local ska bands playing on Wednesdays: DONE!

But YAY! Shosh wants to apply her effing-college degree to help market Ray’s coffee shop before Hermie turns it into a billiards store (not bar, store)! And then the part about Hannah trying to suck the head of Ray’s penis registers, but no, she doesn’t want to know. Nope.

Elijah is shopping, and he delights alla us when asked what he’s looking for, replies that he’s looking for something that says “I really am the one for you, despite your misgivings about monogamy and your penthouse full of whores” HAHAHAHAHAHA

Her name is D’Emilia and she’s gonna Pretty Woman this shit and lock Dill down! Figuratively. Off he strides in his new 60% off grey sports jacket and vneck black t-shirt and then we cut to Hannah.

In a midriff-baring sheath top covered in birds or high heels and what looks like a stonewashed denim jorts with her belleh hanging over it. HOW IS THAT EVERY COMFORTABLE?? I get it, rage, rage against the misogynist machine telling you to look a certain way and to cover up, but you tell me how having your gut hang over a hard waistband like that is the LEAST bit comfortable??

Principal Toby wanders in and says good thing school isn’t in session ’cause that outfit wouldn’t fly! She lets him know she’s gonna be limiting her time where her outfits don’t fly, meaning she’s quitting. And it’s not the bastards at Fort Greene Montessori, it’s the Fran factor. Or being open to the signals of the universe, or something. I don’t know.

He understands, she’s one of those rare teachers, and people, that has that sense of joie de vivre, and she’s just very much her own person. He compliments her on it, and she apologizes for showing him her bagina lo those two episodes ago.

Hannah walks down the street and hey, guess who’s riding by on a bike? Tally! Now, I’m not going to look it up, but I think Tally is the other writer than was always just that step ahead of Hannah. She’s writing a novel on the tyranny of political correctness and yeah, this is the one that was always showing Hannah up, or at least Hannah always felt somewhat diminished around. It’s not just the novel, Tally just got back from a writer’s retreat at MacDowell and hey, does Hannah wanna hang out? She has until 3 am! What happens at 3 am? Hannah’s free until Thanksgiving, let’s go! I don’t think Hannah wants to go.

Marnie has managed to get Desi to meet her for a convo, but blows it almost immediately by trying to talk straight and not hippie-dippy. Tandace blows the whistle at 8 minutes, any more will be…”re-immersion.” I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a creepier couple than Tandace and Desi (I got you tea: how does that make you feel? Grateful and excited. Thirsty *creepy herks*) but nothing comes to mind. Maybe Frank and Zoe season 1 of House of Cards.

Elijah strides his fine self up to Dill at work; doesn’t Dill want someone who loves him for him? Someone who doesn’t care about his stuff, but someone who sees Dill for who he is (totally wrong about the hair; Corey Stoll is SO.MUCH. finer bald – back me up, Veronica!) doesn’t he want a special someone? A special boyfriend someone? And yes, Dill does. But. It’s not Elijah. He needs someone closer to his age, someone tall (they’re the same height!), someone less…aimless and that arrow finds it’s way right to the centre of Elijah. We cry.

Shosh is doing recon at helvitica in her Columbo outfit, for reals, trenchoat, hat and Field Notes notebook. I mean. Nearby an artist sketches her, but nekkid. She gets braced by the owners, what’s she doing? Looking for words, she’s doing a poem based on found words and hey, they have some for her because that is totally a thing in HipsterCoffee New York! It’s hilarious, honestly. If you have only 30 seconds to watch this episode of Girls, watch dese two give Shosh found poety words. It’s magic.

Hannah and Tally are bonding over bitching about writing workshops, and it wasn’t that Hannah felt oppressed or dismayed by the focus on traditional fiction, but she just didn’t want to write. Like at all. I didn’t realise she still wasn’t writing and is it okay if my cold black heart hurts for a fictional character for a moment? I write absolute shite, but if I couldn’t do it, I’d lose my mind. I guess that’s why she was teaching, those than can, do, those that can’t: teach and try to fit it in amongst PTA duties.

Tally knows Mimi-Rose! And hates her too, yay, more bonding! Tally turns out to be the very best person ever to explain about Jessa and Adam, she knew Jessa from Oberlin with the cooking meth and everyone was so excited and all of that. And Hannah is just so calm for once, it hurts so much that she loves Jessa and Adam both, so much that she doesn’t know who to warn about the other one and she misses them both and she doesn’t want to do her usual chaotic reacting, she wants to surprise someone for once and me and Tally are so sad to hear all that. Hannah is growing!!

They leave the hot dog place and I totally get what Hannah means when she says she just can’t really go for it and seven hot dogs when someone else just does the minimum. I had eating buddies, I know what’s up. Tally saw someone go in and not lock up his bike, it’s a sign! People steal shite all the time without consequences! Hannah throws her leg over and gets her bagina on the seat, she’s alive, baby! “Inspired by me” includes Tally and they’re off! Tally ho! That seems mean, she seems kinda nice.

Biking montage! Hannah almost takes out a kid coming down a slide in a playground, GO ‘ROUND!! Whew, they make it back, Tally poodle-hair-hanging-out-the-window nonetheless. Hannah lets the extralegally borrowed bicycle fall to the ground and they cheer!

At Ray’s, Shosh has a plan! She thinks these hipster interlopers cult member are on their way out, comparing them to the Westboro Baptist Church and wow. She proposes to market Ray as the anti-hipster coffee place, which is kind of what he is…but she says major rebranding (and doesn’t understand what KFC was doing, apparently) it is “high time to start selling coffee to people with jobs.”

Tally and Hannah are smoking the Fatty Of Truth, Hannah confessing her jealousy for Tally’s accomplishments; all Hannah’s done is come down with TWO strains of HPV and mess up her life. Tally’s turn: all she does is smoke weed, google herself and masturbate with an electric toothbrush, even though she KNOWS she can afford a vibrator, Hannah! She can only see herself through the lens of other people’s opinions are she’s too smart to be this bored and exhausted.

Hannah thought Tally’s life involved being dressed by birds and orgasming in pants from accolades and fancy dinners, but Tally’s envious of Hannah having all these boyfriends and moments and truth: things to write about! She has a book of essays due and nothing to say.

Side note: Tally looks EXACTLY like Dirty Dancing era Jennifer Grey!!

A discussion on teeth leads to Hannah asking if they should have sex? Nahhh, moar weed! And dancing! It reminds me so much of when Hannah danced to “Dancing On My Own” by Robyn season 1!! But to Beyonce I think, and with someone. But same vibe!

Oh great, Marnie’s come to see Ray, who lives in New York and neither locks his door or checks peepholes. I hate so much how she manipulates Ray to make herself feel better. He loves her. She steps close, saying she shouldn’t be doing this, she should be alone, but she wants to…brush his hair. He says “come again?” and HAHAHAHAHAHA. She goes in for the kiss and then tells him about her love dream, “I love you. But it can’t be you. It can’t be you” and he replies “it could be me, Marn” and blergh. I do want Ray to be happy.

Hannah and Tally are leaving Tally’s apartment (to get Cheetos and pizza?), when Adam and Jessa walk in. Now. I understand there is a whole subculture dedicated to Adam Driver’s hair and as of right now: I GET IT. Dayum. Hannah and Tally laugh hysterically, high AF, while Jessa and Adam stare, confused.

Jessa and Adam go in while Hannah and Tally keep laughing until it turns to tears and we’re oot. I won’t go too much into analysis, there’s another episode waiting and they left a LOT on the table!

Poor Elijah, Dill wasn’t the one after all, stuff or no stuff, and why haven’t Jessa and Adam broken up yet after last week with him seeing how she was with Sample? I would rather that than their creepy, creepy rp cheerleader / quarterback sex, though. Hannah really is so much calmer, she’s grown! Yay! Ray, don’t do it, man. Marnie never saw you as a main attraction, just as someone she could bang into giving her boring, shallow ass a check mark from the intellectual side. And we oot!