Who’s ready for some more scripted shenanigans that have nothing to do with cooking on Hell’s Kitchen? Me neither, but here we are! Let’s find out what’s shaking

Last week Ariel and Jared were anointed by Himself to choose amongst their teams. Ariel totes power tripped, but it was Jared’s choice of Eddie / Elmer that was sent packing. I didn’t really understand that choice. Jackie had a much worse night and Eddie seemed at least in the game, culinary-speaking, but reality TV must have it’s manufactured dramz, this time in the continued presence of our Jersey stereotype.

The chefs are unwinding with a few wobbly pops, awww, even Dannie is relaxing a bit, yay!

Ariel is schwasted, falling off the outside couch and hurting her foot. She thinks she broke her ankle, but no, probably just pulled the tendons. Either way; the “stay off it for six weeks” is not what she’s gonna do, trust.

Challenge time! They have a wedding to cook for! Ashley hopes it’s a fabulous gay wedding, and is willing for Neil Patrick Harris to get divorced and remarried just for her. (Do NOT invite Ashley to your parties, y’all, she goes all in)

It is a man and woman, but someone very special…it’s Andi! The sous chef from previous seasons! I had no idea she was that pretty, wow.

Her hubs is totally genera-Investment-Banker-dude, I already forgot him. Anyway, they want each team to prepare two chicken, two beef and two seafood entrees. I cannot resist taking pictures of captions…

Manda can’t decide about what kind of beef to cook and dithers aboot for ages, annoying Jared, finally settling on

Jackie is still trying to decide how to roast her massive chicken leg (seriously, turkeys wanna know whatarp?) and Chef Ramsay has to tell her that guests do not want to have to work around a bone at a wedding reception. Another thing they never, ever want? Dark meat. I’m asking you: why is she here again??

Time to judge! But first they have to figure out why there are seven dishes for the Blue Team…oh right, Frank didn’t think Manda was gonna pull it off and did an extra Steak Diane. In his defense, she DID waste a good ten minutes waffling about what she was gonna make. So now they have to decide which one to put up and lemme give you a little Hell’s Kitchen Too Many Dishes backstory: the team with too many dishes always loses and it is always blamed on the chosen dish. Ramsay ALWAYS tastes the rejected dish afterward and declares it the second coming of food, leaving that self-esteem challenged chef pouty AND feeling redeemed. Got it? Let’s see what happens!

Ohhhh we’re off to a bang-up start with Manda’s dish being left behind and Frank’s Steak Diane being chosen! She doesn’t stick up for her dish, either, because they never do.

Seafood Appetizer Challenge: the 4 are Ariel (squid looks like Bison penis),  Kristin, Chad and Joe.

Can we get more pics of Andi with her mouth full? I mean. Chad takes it with his homemade pasta

Next up are the beef entrees by Hassan, Dannie, Jared and Frank. Awww, can you believe it? Frank’s dish wasn’t on point and Manda had something to say about it! I sure hope there’s another tasting of her dish afterwards!

The teams are tied as we head into the Chicken Entree Battle; Jackie (80s with sauce like cement), Frank’s Chicken “Frankaise” (no flavour), Ashley (very busy-looking but fresh) and Joe (stuffed chicken breast – talk about 80s!)

Joe takes it and Blue Team wins a trip to Vegas, yay! I really need everyone to taste Manda’s dish, though, even if that team pulled off a win.

Sigh. No food tasting, but Manda does learn she needs to speak up and say something if she wants her dish to be in contention. And there is definitely something to that; if you wanna lead a kitchen but can’t say “hey, let’s use my dish, it RAWKS” then…yeah.

The Blue Team goes to get ready for Vegas while the Red Team works on the wedding party, including macaroons. The Blue Team is gonna go ziplining, and just tell me again how many macaroons you need, brah. Joe and I know what’s up, but he still goes and good on him.

Hassan is in lurve with the celebrity wedding planner; he interviews hopefully about being her poolboy while creepily rubbing silverware and starrrriiinggg.

Ariels’s foot is getting worse, she’s gotta get it checked out again back in dorms, while the Blue Team is checking into their Presidential Suite. Wooooowwww. Manda says she’s a single mom of three on food stamps, so this is like a MASSIVELY cool vacay for her. She’s also in a pool in the middle of a sausage fest, so…

Ariel comes back carrying crutches, she broke a bone and gets sent upstairs by Christina. She gets a boot and thankfully Chef Ramsay doesn’t ask her how she broke it, she’s ready to rock! Jared isn’t, he’s terrified.

They’ve made it even more fun by splitting the head table between the two kitchens, and I sincerely hope Chef Andi had a real reception elsewhere.

First appetizers are up: not enough risotto from Jackie! They continue apace, and…Chef Ramsay has been teaching Chad? Whut?? How can he still be in this competition if Chef Ramsay has had to show him a million times how to remove scallops from a pan? I actually thought Chad was one of the talented ones.

One of the REAL talents is Dannie, but she’s having a bad night with non non-stick pans. Chef says : we’re late, we’re slow and this is what I’ve got to serve” *disgusted look that nobody does better*

He decides to lead a Scallops Clinic, erghsgh and then all the appetizers are oot! Now head table combined orders between the kitchens…no WAY this will go wrong!

Except when all the chicken is raw. Just that part. Chef Ramsay actually serves half the head table first, um. Whet?? Moar raw chicken from Hassan and Chef Ramsay has HAD it!! Ariel takes over for Hassan and the chicken rolls. But the Blue Team can’t do fish, so…

Both teams limp across the finish line, but Ramsay tells them NOBODY won, each team has to choose two people. Not surprisingly, Red wants to put up Hassan, but also Dannie, which I would disagree with. Blue wants to put up Jared and Joe, but Frank sticks up for Joe and Jared says screw you!

In the Elimination Ceremony, Hassan, Dannie, Chad and Jared. Lotta raw chicken nominees, but Dannie is very angry. Hassan gets sent home and that is really a shock to me. Huh. He was solid but the last couple of services were bad. Chef Ramsay says he thought moving Hassan onto the Red Team would allow his time shine, but it just highlighted his shortcomings, at least that’s pretty much what he said. Ish

And we oot! We’re almost at the halfway point, but no real leaders have emerged yet! I guess Ariel, kinda, and I know editing is trying to sell Jared, but I ain’t buying. Let’s see next week when Manda gives everyone lapdances while they smoke and yeah. Sigh. Cheers!