We’re back in the Kingdom of pain with the Kulinas and wherever their shrapnel lands; last episode was a heavy one and it doesn’t seem to be picking up any unicorn rainbows any time soon. Rolling S2:E11 Lay and Pray after the break.
We open with a very angry Alvey Kulina (Frank Grillo) stuck in traffic while Garo Kassabian (Bryan Callen) whips up the crowd during a King Beast press conference. Is Alvey mad because he’s missing it? Or
Oh. Lisa’s (Kiele Sanchez) dad Ron calls; she’s hurt. How hurt??? How is the baby?? She’s alive, but I didn’t hear anything about the next Kulina MMA fighter! He destroys his office.
Alvey is at the event now with Garo, they’re promoting the long time coming Jay Kulina (Jonathan Tucker) vs Ryan Wheeler (Matt Lauria) fight, ohhhhh! I was hoping that would happen sooner rather than later! When asked what will happen when someone has to lose, Alvey chills my blood.
The press conference rolls on, I mean come on. There are real news events where reporters line up to sit in plastic seats to ask such scintillating questions as who is planning to kick who in the face more? One asks both fighters what the other’s weaknesses are: Ryan’s first! He does all right until he calls Jay “nothing special” and the there’s talk of smother-hugging, awwww. These two are best friends!
You can tell, because then Jay says Ryan has no weaknesses, just look at him! “That’s God’s work” made me actually laugh out loud. His plan is just to “stay in that cage with this Angel of God and to bask in his splendor” before laying and praying until it’s all over, because that is the best result he could ever hope for.
HA
Jay is the shite, ladies and gentleman.
Garo sums Alvey up in one sentence: “so handsome, but always so angry”
Training montage! Nate (Nick Jonas) is training peeps now? And Alicia Mendez (Natalie Martinez) is working hard, she must have a fight finally! Like a real one, not just for show
Nate comes to check in with Alvey, who only wants to know how Alicia is. He doesn’t want to talk about the mess in his office, or the bad news that prompted it, just: will Alicia make weight? Nate thinks so.
That’s good, because oh look, Mario Goldsmith (Adam Shapiro) is back in the gym! You know, that guy Alvey got drunk and trashed online for trashing his entire gym, now he’s here to do a piece on Jay while Alicia cuts weight. I have a feeling Alicia is going to get that press instead.
Alicia’s just as much fun as Ryan is while cutting weight, whee!! Her driver’s license is expired which leads her her saying “I’m dying, seriously” which means I have to explain The Boy Who Cried Wolf AGAIN. Jeez.
Jay wants to do a demonstration of how he trains, using a Jacob’s Ladder workout machine (THE DEBBIL) but it’s broken. Who’s in charge of maintenance? Nate! Nate hasn’t called anyone. He’s drowning; why hasn’t Alvey hired anyone for this role?! He’s completely overwhelmed and not very interested in getting out of it, either. They talk a bit about Alvey, they know something is wrong but he is preferring to explain to the bottle rather than his two sons, which is not a good sign. The man himself is out visiting the super of that hotel / apartment complex where he flipped out off to a while back.
Adam stops Ryan, he wants to ask some questions, okay? Sure, off camera, but all Ryan has to say is that Jay can ride a unicycle and has done modeling? He’s special.
Alicia cutting weight montage spliced with Alvey drinking and Nate training some older dude, who did not eat enough food today. Bob (Paul Ben-Victor) sure would like to see Nate fight. In the meantime, here’s a ten thousand dollar retainer, fire all your other clients. Bob’s assistant will send Nate some times; he gets a little handsy though, yeah? Hmm. Just as Nate turned from a blender, I saw his face when he was gaybaiting in Details magazine. All I could see was bum.
The hotel owner (Andre Royo) is pleased as punch to see Alvey, much rum and codeine ensues.
Jay monologues with glee at about being an Alpha and f*ck the Beta and blah blah blah at Adam while the camera gets set up, time to be famous!
Alicia made weight! Yay!! She cries and Ryan calls her a warrior. That looks so f*cking hard, hard pass.
On camera, Adam goes right at Jay, who describes himself as “dark hair, pale skin, medium height, athletic build, prone to violence.” I’d have probably thrown in “serial banana hanger wearer” personally, but Adam thinks “talented but reckless. Undisciplined” fits better. They banter a bit about his recent weight cut to the lower class but then Adam cuts to the chase: why do you fight, Jay? Because it comes natural to him and he’s good at it. I thought that was a great answer, but Adam calls it glib and then we’re in YO MAMA territory. Ohhhh. Tread lightly, my curly-haired friend.
Jay refuses to answer and starts to get heated when Adam won’t cut the question about his heroin-addicted sex-worker mom. Dafuq Adam?? Come on! Jay comes pretty close to breaking a lot of expensive equipment and one slender reporter.
So Alvey tells his new / old friend about Lisa’s news: the baby died. They drink a toast to lost sons; is Alvey hungry? Eat something! Yay, he talks him into a steak and goes off while Alvey sends another text to Lisa.
New client Bob is sending Nate shirtless selfies; see what Nate’s done to him already? Nate stops playing video games long enough to prescribe an Epsom salt bath, but Bob will not be disregarded that easily. He texts again while Jay comes in from his run.
Jay does not understand the ten large for a month of personal training, I didn’t even know he could make his eyes look both enormous AND disbelieving at the same time! It’s how you say “how f*cking stupid are you?” without words.
It’s morning, so Alvey’s hungover instead of drunk and his phone reminders wake him up. Time for Alicia’s first meal! He calls Alicia, who is indeed eating, while having her hair done by two tattooed ladies: he won’t be in her corner tonight. Is she okay with that? She’s gonna focus on what she can control and kick this girl’s arse. Atta girl, Alvey is so proud!
Ryan’s doing a great job with Alicia, he’s so much better with everyone else than himself before a fight!
Alvey’s still drinking and philosophizing; he’s worried that he doesn’t care enough about his baby-to-be dying. He’s just numb, and about 90% pickled, constantly drinking and popping whatever else. His new friend knows this will land, maybe not soon, but it will and he will feel everything. Enjoy the numb.
Time for Alicia’s fight! She’s up against actual MMA fighter Heather Jo Clark, let’s see how she does! She looks scared and takes a few hard hits right out the gate, but MMA is as much a sport of luck as it is skill. On any given night…apparently the other fighter falls asleep halfway through the first round and allows her to get in any number of hits, winning Alicia that round decisively.
She comes into the second round with a flying knee and takes that woman DOWN, blood splatter everywhere, the winner!
I’m seriously concerned with the amount of drank Alvey is putting in his face, so much codeine! I still don’t know if the hotel owner exists or not, I remember thinking he was a figment of Alvey’s imagination last time.
Alicia calls; she wants another fight right away but Alvey counsels her to enjoy the moment, she deserves it. Now go have some fun!
Party time at Nate and Jay’s! Mac (Mac Brandt) is snorting a nice, clean coke that JAY DOESN’T WANT ANY OF, THANK YOU. Bob’s called six times and Nate isn’t answering, I think perhaps Nate didn’t read that cheque all the way to the end. Ten thousand dollars means you pick up the phone, even at 1 am. If you don’t want to pick up the phone at 1 am, don’t take the cheque, it’s just that simple.
Ryan and Alicia are boning, but he doesn’t seem that into it. I think he only likes it when he’s behind and working out complicated algorithms while watching himself in the mirror. She’s getting frustrated but he’s had a lot of drinks and then it gets NASTY. She emasculates and he gets racial, you didn’t have to do that, Ryan. Or Alicia. Dayum these two.
Lisa finally texts Alvey back, she needs time. Time is better than never answering, will take!
Oh I forgot how Ryan gets when he drinks.
AND he just killed his dad, at his dad’s request, I’m worried. So are Jay, Nate and Mac who follow him out to his car to take his car keys. It gets ugly between Ryan and Jay, he’s paranoid and forgetting they’re best friends. It’s Mac who cops the first punch to the face but Ryan who sustains the first injury: he broke his knee. Who’s laying and praying now, Ryan??
ARE THESE GUYS NEVER GONNA FIGHT???
For the record, I broke my knee the exact same way; trying to break up a bar fight picked by a friend. It really hurts, don’t it, Ryan? And we’re out. Until next time, mat rats!
