Kingdom S2:E2 Simulations Recap

Kingdom Cover

Soooo super duper sorry, but I was a bit of a moron and didn’t realize I hadn’t posted or even watched all of this episode before I posted E3, so we’re working backwards on Kingdom!

We open with Alvey selling timeshares very, very poorly. Ah,no, he’s training people to SELL timeshares very, very poorly. By training them to fight? Okay, by preparing for it the same way a fighter prepares; (the customers are the opponents? I guess) get out your gloves and pads.

Lisa is filming from the back; during the post-mortem over lunch she suggests he may want to go slightly easier on the “people who buy timeshares are morons” bit. He thinks the whole idea is stupid (totally is) but he wanted other forms of income: this is it! More no-name calls with no message, it’s driving him crazy.

Jay’s working out his wee scrawny ripped body on the beach while Laura Melvin (Jessica Szohr!!! From Gossip Girl!! She hasn’t worked in AGES!) surreptitiously takes photos with an enormous camera. They banter a bit, she’s a professional photographer but I think he has met his match for wordplay!

She wants to take a picture of his black eye, so she does that while I wonder at how skinny she looks. And her skin is bad. You get where I’m going with this, right? I hope she kicked the drugs for good, yo. Her eyes are UNREAL.

Ryan’s in a interview with a cop about Keith killing Michael. He has to go over the sequence of events again, and this Good Cop routine is a transparent attempt to trip Ryan up in his story. Since he was totally lying, I hope he ‘members it real good! Keith keeps telling the truth, that’s the real problem. Y’see, Keith killed Michael because Michael was teasing Ryan and Keith is awful attached to Ryan. Now, Michael was a complete POS, but Keith still totally murdered him. Ryan walks oot. The cops have his statement;  it’s not going to change.

Lisa’s bringing Alicia in to Navy St.; I’m withholding judgment on her fighting until I see it, but she sure would like a piece of Ryan. So would Alvey, tensely telling Ryan not to do anything until they talk.

Laura and Jay are doing day drankin’ shots and discussing the meaning of life. He doesn’t want to pose for her pictures, but she calls bullshit: he’s an exhibitionist. She wants to do a whole shoot on him, but also wants full creative control and blah blah flirt blah he really needs to shave the pubes off his face. It’s not a good look.

Nate’s dressing for publicity for his first fight back; he looks good! And he’s talked more in this interview than the entire first season. Training montage!

Now Lisa wants to talk to Ryan too. When he handed over the manager’s share from his winnings, it was only 6%, not 10 or whatever they get.

Ryan and Alicia are flirting while stretching; she starts to probe a bit about Lisa and Alvey, hmmm. She might just have the hot pants for our Destroyer, but maybe there’s something more there.

Alvey drags Ryan off for a yelling session; where the hell is his money? And what’s this getting popped for cocaine?? Ryan was nervous about the fight, so he… used cocaine. That has to be the first time I’ve ever heard of people using cocaine to calm down, and also the manager getting paid by the fighter AFTER. Huh. Alvey explains about Ryan’s next six fights being Garo’s and ends with a pep talk; we’re all crooked and you can still fight and you probably don’t even have six fights in you and WHERE’S MAH CHEQUE??

Kacey (Alisa Allapach) is watching Nate warm up food grumpily; they’re supposed to go for Mexican after, with Nate? He’ll come sit with her, yaaaayyy. She pouts and they make up and it’s really sweet, he’s a great boyfriend except for the whole gay thing.

Alvey is getting texts from that mystery number now, they want to talk to the KING OF KULINA, and they’d like a dickpic, pleez. He’s up for that, but first he needs to see some “Tits!!!!” and I seriously hate that word more than “moist.” He gets back a picture of a hairy nipple, hahahaha

Ryan’s in to see Keith (Paul Walter Hauser), he wants to know about the King Beast fight! Was Lisa there? Yes. Did he let her have sex with him? Er no, she’s having a kid with Alvey, and Keith is FURIOUS! After some cuddle time with Keith’s keychain bear, Ryan gets to the point: stfu. Okay, okay, and Keith is not having a good time right now, he can’t connect with the guys in there. “It’s like they’ve all been friends forever!” Are you enjoying Keith’s house with the luxurious TWO bathrooms, Ryan? Keith knows Ryan only uses the one, coz Ryan’s humble.

Alvey is boxing shirtless in the gym when oooh, now we find out whose nipple that was! It was Chapas (Mark Conseulos) an old friend; they haven’t seen each other in 7 years.

Jay’s raking Ryan over the coals about the cocaine before the fight; he thinks Ryan is treating Alvey like dogsh*t. They’re furniture shopping and a leather couch distracts their “ghetto rich” arses away. Then they gossip about Alicia before Ryan calls over the salesman to take his cash for the couch.


He isn’t paying Alvey properly for managing him but he’s paying cash for a fcuking COUCH???? And I’m not supposed to know this, but he tells Keith next episode that he put it on a payment plan. What the sam hill is Ryan up to?

Alvey and Chapas are getting caught up, Chapas was a fighter too and is doing real estate as a second act. They reminisce about other fighters they knew; lots dead or with Parkinsons, it’s a young man’s game, fighting.

Lisa asks Alicia about her talking to Ryan. Alicia reacts WAY over the top, even with Lisa’s assurance that hey, she’s having another man’s baby.

More awks time with Kacey and Nate; she’s bored and wants to bone. He can’t bone while he’s in camp, she knows that! She decides to get wasted instead, coz she’s a good girlfriend and I think his suggestion of reading a book was probably the better idea of the two.

Jay’s at Laura’s house, she’s dressed all sexay and has a great house. And then she jumps him, all mean like, with hair pulling and dress dropping and he stops a second… then he’s at it!

Chapas and Alvey are FINALLY meeting; Chapas is late AND he orders rosé, which freaks Alvey out. Oh this macho world of fighting.

Speaking of macho! Ryan’s having a lovely night at home by himself, breaking in his new leather couch. He has a porno in the DVD player, a large bottle of hand lotion, leftover Chinese and a box of tissues on the table. HAHAHAHAHA. Wait. Do men actually do that? Plan a night so thoroughly like that? I thought The 40-Year-Old Virgin was joking!

He’s mid-stroke when Mom calls, erk. Jay and Laura have uncomfortable-looking couch sex, she’s gonna wish she’s gone with leather too!

Alvey can’t believe he’s having a kid and neither can Chapas but it gives Alvey a chance to think about his relationship with Lisa. Party time at the gym after!

Nate’s scrolling through hot dudes on Grindr as Kacey is getting schwasted by herself in the kitchen, maaaaaan. Just. Stop. You’re a young man; don’t live any longer like this! Rumour has it the closet is even harder to break out of LATER.

Laura wakes Jay up in the coldest way possible; get oot! Know your place, here’s a bottle of water and a shot of Jay’s entire bum. He is SO VERONICA’S TYPE!!

Alvey and Chapas have made it into the octagon; drinking 200 year old whiskey to the OGs. Of course they get into tumbling, awww, and just before they can, Nate walks in. At 2 am. I wonder if he has a date? Do they call it dating on Grindr or Grinding? Or just Fun?!

He puts on his headphones and cool music flows, they have really good songs on this show and I wish I knew what Spotify was coz I’d look this series up. We’re out to watching him pump iron; I guess he just needed to work off some stress, get schweaty. Until next time you guys, keep cool and DON’T ANSWER when your mom calls on Self Love Night. Cheers!