Hi everyone and welcome back to Orange is the New Black where things were devolving rapidly and I wasn’t…really…digging. Rolling S4:E10 People Persons after the break!

We open with Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling) trying her level best to fall asleep while standing next to Blanca Flores (Laura Gomez) on the People’s Table. Nicky Nichols (Natasha Lyonne) and Norma (Annie Golden) smuggle her some water, leader of the Dominican gang Maria Ruiz (Jessica Pimentel) protests but CO Stratman (Evan Hall) doesn’t care, man.

Taystee (Danielle Brooks) thinks they oughta bring in a torture wheel (Suzanne is intrigued) or something because this here is taking up too much table space. Cindy (Adrienne C. Moore) doubles down; the protestors probably did something to be treated that way; they should get what they deserve. She’d like a curtain put up or something so they don’t have to actually see them get what they deserve, fanks.

Heeey Judy King (Blair Brown), why have you been ditching your boo Cindy on movie nights? She fell asleep, right after she saw Cindy and walked back out of the movie room.

An alarm sounds; everyone is in lockdown which means Blanca and Piper can get off the table, yay! Sam Healy (Michael J Harney – I haven’t see you in ages, Healy!) asks CO Dixon (Mike Houston) what’s going on: it’s about the guard’s body being found in the garden. I forgot Toothpick was technically a guard! Coz really he was just an assassin sent to kill Alex Vause (Laura Prepon) but she lucked out into Lolly murdering him first. Er.

Healy hears garden and retreats to his office; is he thinking Red (Kate Mulgrew) is involved? Of course she is, but only after the fact. Ohh no, of course he’s thinking of Lolly (Lori Petty) whom he was trying to protect because she is so much like his mom was.

Taystee and Suzanne (Uzo Aduba) run into Maureen Kukudio (Emily Althaus); Taystee wants to know why Suzanne’s being so nice when Maureen gave her “blue labes.” I can’t get that image out of my head, THANKS OITNB.

Taystee thinks she shouldn’t talk to Maureen for a bit; sometimes people just need some space. We’re in Suzanne’s backstory now; she was a greeter at a Wal-Mart type of store, she did great! A little too much, perhaps, but enough to get Employee of the Month!

Luschek (Matt Peters) pulls up for an Emergency Meeting as Healy peels out of the parking lot, why’s Sam so spooked?

The meeting isn’t going great for Caputo (Nick Sandow), especially since they don’t exactly know who the murdered guard is yet. There was a big influx of correctional officers all at once, but it’s hard to believe a PRISON has a guard unaccounted for. I once worked next to a juvenile facility; they went into lockdown when a fork went missing, how did a guard not signing out not get noticed?

CO Artesian McCullough (Emily Tarver), Donuts (James McMenamin) and creepy CO Humphrey (Michael Torpey) are outraged and scared; they’re stuck in here with murderers and gangsters and clearly nobody is keeping track of anything important. Like who all is supposed to be checking in at the end of shift.

McCullough and Humphrey wanna get all Gitmo (how bout that Omar Khadr story, hey? Who still likes Canada?!) while Caputo goes and triages with the feds but he won’t let them. Boooooo says McCullough.

Captain of the guards Desi Piscatella (Brad William Henke) is staring at his toes, why isn’t he stepping up? He’s from Max and a hardcharger at best, why is he so shaken? Caputo argues for a measured response in this unprecedented situation but I’m stuck back at the murder. HOW did they not notice a guard started a shift and didn’t sign back in?

Piscatella waits until Caputo leaves then hands out dossiers of all the prisoners he wants to interview. The lights are staying on all night and the guards don’t have to let anyone pee.

Piscatella is clearly going the route of: well, the knee in the neck didn’t work, so now Imma put TWO knees on their necks and see what shakes loose.

Donuts asks why Piscatella is doing the exact opposite of what Caputo directed and gets sent to guard the dead body in the dark for his concern.

Luschek gets sent to guard Judy King, he is NOT HAPPY. Relax, Lucy, nobody said you gotta bang her again. But you totally are gonna.

Red and Frieda (Dale Soules) are innocently playing a game of peaknuckle when Piper and Alex wander over; Red directs them carefully under her breath. There will be no panicking. And if you’re being interrogated and slapped in the face repeatedly, don’t fall for the manipulation. Piper: er.

Red thinks it unlikely that Alex and Piper will be interviewed anyway, but Frieda will for sure, what with her four murders in one year.

Now what about Lolly (Lori Petty)? Ixnay on the Ollylay!

Judy King is super happy to see her favourite prison guard! After directing Yoga Jones (Constance Shulman) to put on her noise cancelling headphones, she offers Luschek molly and you know he can’t say no to that!

Red and Kukudio are among the first prisoners called for interviews; Freida can’t believe they’re calling KUKUDIO before her! She killed a cop with his own gun! But..maybe that wasn’t one of the murders she’s in for; getting old is a bitch, innit Frieda?

McCullough and CO Dixon (Mike Houston) watch the black inmates dance, he can do that!

But Suzanne just wants to SLEEP! Don’t mess with her circadian rhythms! McCullough is directed to bring her in for questioning, so it looks like a lot of head nodding tomorrow for our Crazy Eyes. She looks terrified.

We’re in the past with her again, triumphantly bringing home her Employee of the Month certificate. Her sister Grace (Sara Rich) and her boyfriend Brad (Brian Colin Foley) are packing for a trip which has Suzanne VERY worried. Grace suggests she maybe find some of her own friends? But Suzanne doesn’t know how! Sure she does, chimes in Brad: she’s a People Person.

CO Bayley (Alan Aisenberg), or Gerber as we know him, surprises Donuts out in the yard, he doesn’t have a post for he’s appointed himself a floater. He brought Donuts a present! The book IT from Stephen King, hahahaha. Gerber doesn’t want to leave, this seems like an important night at the prison and he just wants to be part of it.

A guard whose name I haven’t quiiiite caught yet calls Healy, who’s checking out the byng cherry ice cream down the road, they need him to pull behavioural reports. He’s on his way!

I don’t think he’s on his way.

Nicky is coming down hard from heroin; Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) is impressed with her ability to lie to herself! She keeps Nicky company while she sweats and pukes it out.

Caputo isn’t meeting the feds, he’s meeting Jack Pearson (Michael Bryan French) and Josh (John Palladino) who will be managing everything Caputo thinks happened tonight.

Jack leaves Caputo in Josh’s smarmy and capable hands and runs into his son Danny (Mike Biribiglia) in the parking lot. He’s not alone, he’s got Crystal Burset (Tanya Wright) with him and a picture of Sophia (Laverne Cox) in the SHU where Jack swore she wasn’t.

Kasey Sankey (Kelly Carbacz) is pissed she’s gotta sit her so long waiting to be interviewed; Maria asks if she’s scared while Humphrey tries to break her arm. DATGUY has a crawlspace, I’m telling you now.

Picatella calls for Red and Kukudio makes her move over to Suzanne, who doesn’t want to talk any longer. Kukudio pffts: Suzanne must not be good at reading people.

We’re in the park with Suzanne that fateful weekend, she’s trying to make friends. First by greeting everyone as she does at work and then by chatting with the little boy Dylan (Eli Golden) whose family she knows from work. Hey! Does he like popsicles? She has popsicles at her house!

Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Red acquits herself well in interview, but Piscatella isn’t giving up without a fight. She’s head of the Garden Club, it’s hard to believe she wouldn’t know anything. Her cell and bunk will be tossed.

Dixon smashes Taystee’s watch from Caputo for no reason! What’s going on in there??

Luschek, Judy and Yoga Jones are all high AF; what is this thing where they live but they can’t go home? Except Luschek can!

Yoga is having a full-blown molly-revelation: Judy is not a nice person. She uses people for her amusement. It segues into a threeway between them and yeah. Yeah.

Caputo runs into Linda (Beth Dover) in the lobby; why did she have to hear about this from someone else? C’mon, he can stay at her place, no need to go to LItchfield, the girls are all safe behind bars. Now it comes out: Linda, who sets purchasing standards and staffing plans for prisons has never actually been to a correctional facility.

Red’s holding her own pretty well against wannabe detective Piscatella, right until UnNamed guard walks in with a set of keys.

DID YOU KNOW RED CUT UP THOSE 5 PEOPLE SHE HATED AND PUT THEM IN A FREEZER??? How is she in minimum security??? HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS??

Awww, Tucky made Nicky a puke basket! It has bags that you change out after you puke; Nicky wants to know why not just hurl in the bag by itself? *injured silence* “Because I made it.”

Nicky wants to know why Tucky isn’t hanging out with Angie and the other potatoes with eyes making earwax art, but giving out water during construction hath opened Our Lady Of The Trailer Park’s eyes: she thinks there might be more than enough earwax art out there. Maybe she’s meant to help. Nicky thinks she’s the only person who ever came out better after prison. Tucky says maybe, COZ I STOPPED DOING DRUGS.

Nicky’s worried she might be a bad person without drugs to blame it on though, we all have our crutches that we getta blame everything on? No, I didn’t get that job / partner / dream vacation because datguy didn’t like fat / short / redhaired people. It’s scary to drop your Escape Goat (tm Emily Moses from Invite Only Cabo)

Nah, Tucky doesn’t think Nicky’s a bad person, just New York bitchy.

Piper is doing her best to keep Alex on an even keel, but she doesn’t think humping is gonna do it.

Remember when Orange is the New Black was ALL humping and we couldn’t look at the church without getting all fisty-flinchy? Been awhile.

Lolly interrupts Vauseman, she just wants to know: was it real, what happened in the greenhouse? She won’t say anything but she needs to know: did it actually happen? Not a hologram, just a person with a toothpick that Lolly killed to protect Alex. Nobody knows why they’re messing with Red instead.

The worst possible pair of COs are watching the inmates waiting for questioning: Humphrey and Stratman. Even Gerber can’t believe they’re not letting the women go to the bathroom, which he calls “special privileges.” It’s clear that Stratman hates the inmates but it’s Humphrey who is our sadist, pulling the chairs out from underneath a sleeping Sankey.

Everyone laughs, but Sankey is particularly pissed that Suzanne is enjoying the scene. Humphrey tries to goad her into fighting Suzanne, but Sankey’s smarter than she sounds most of the time and declines. Kukudio’s still mad and takes that offer, so now Humphrey and Stratman have a fight to watch to stave off boredom.

You see: this is just the kind of thing that makes me not want to watch Orange is the New Black. I have no doubt that sadistic c-words that don’t moo like Humphrey exist in the prison system (as well as other Government services) but there is just no way things would devolve THAT quickly. One night? And we’ve got an underground fight club started with guards placing bets? Yes, they’ve been building his backstory as a psycho for a while, but this is just too unrealistic to be believed.

Oh Suzanne. We’re back in her apartment with Dylan playing video games, she has a great weekend planned! Dylan is starting to get worried; he should call his dad. Suzanne is totally fine with that, as long as he promises to come back the second he wakes up. That ramps up his anxiety and when she goes to pick out a cape (black is timeless!), he calls 911. He makes a break for it out the window…and falls off her fire escape.

Ohhhh noooo

Healy calls his ex-wife Katya he promised he wouldn’t, but he has nobody else, which is kinda sad because she loathes him. While he explains how bad he is at his job we get a montage of how everyone is passing the night; Alex and Piper quiet and alone together, Caputo in bed with Linda instead of at the prison

I know Linda isn’t actually a person, she’s a symbol of Caputo’s shrinking integrity and compassion, but could we get a slightly less cartoonish in actions?

There’s Red being endlessly interrogated, Nicky throwing up while Tucky literally hold her hair (that’s a friend!), Lusheck and Yoga Jones wrecked from the night before while Judy King enjoys her brekkie and Healy is by water. Oh Healy. He drops his cell phone and walks into the cold water…

A ringing brings him back, it Katya had ever just called him back…but it’s work.

Suzanne does NOT want to fight! Ever! Kukudio pushes and pushes but Suzanne will not engage, until she says Suzanne will always be the one everyone laughs at, the one who doesn’t know people, the one who

Suzanne doesn’t hear any more, she knocks Kukudio down and beats the ever-luving shite out of her while I watch through my fingers and everyone in the room stops breathing. Finally Maria and Ouija (Rosal Colon) jump in and pull Suzanne off while she cries.

COULD YOU TRY TO KEEP A LITTLE CONTINUITY IN HOW SUZANNE IS WRITTEN ON THIS SHOW PLEASE. In season one she was a sexual predator, season two a thug and now and last season she’s a childlike innocent. HONESTLY

Gerber can’t take the brutality any more and heads outside to find sleeping beauty Donuts facedown on IT. Gerber’s impressed by his ability to snooze after reading that outside next to a dismembered body, but I guess you can get used to anything.

That’s really the problem.

Alex goes to turn herself in, but it’s too late. The cat is out of the bag and a wet Healy has handed over Lolly on a soggy platter. And he’s wet because he walked into the lake, Piscatella. Thanks for all your empathy.

Lolly’s not in her bunk, no need to sound the alarm because Healy knows exactly where she is.

Back to before she killed that guy. Lolly always makes me cry.

Lolly is taken to Psych, where Healy was trying so hard to keep her away from; as she’s being processed she asks Healy if they traveled back in time? “That’s okay, we’ll keep trying.”

She’s scared. We all cry as she cries out for Healy in panic as she’s lead down that terrifying hallway full of screaming patients. We’re out.

I’m trying, guys.