Hi everyone! Welcome to the Orphan Black BackWatch where I’ve started a series I missed when it first debuted. I did this with Wentworth (just finished the season 3 finale: WHAT??) and now I’m enjoying the Clone Club. Let’s see what’s in store this week on S1:E3 Effects of External Conditions.

Creepy Blonde Clone is repeating Sarah’s words over and over as she stitches herself up, honestly: the infection will kill her before Sarah will. Clean your bathroom! You can’t do surgery in there!

EEEEEYERK she left a trail of blood to the bathroom and now her son has stepped in it and I think I’m going to be sick. I have such a low gross threshold.

She shhhs the wee one and pulls him into the bathroom; what little kid isn’t going to go screaming and running when someone covered in blood shhhs him??

Sarah (Tatiana Maslany) has gone to see Alison (Tatiana Maslany); why would one of Them be trying to kill Them? I wonder if it’s to do with wanting to be the only One?

Alison is angry (IKNORITE??) that Sarah came here after the attack, what if Creepy Blonde Clone (also Tatiana Maslany – this never gets old! I love it) is right behind her? Sarah reassures Alison that she would never do that, because she has her own daughter to look out for. The fact that Sarah has a biological daughter and not adopted kidlings like her freaks Allison out.

I hadn’t thought about that; is there something she could have passed on genetically? Why was Katja sick again?

Sarah gives Alison back her $75,000 and peaces out.

Sarah’s shown the blade to Cosima (Tatiana Maslany – AGAIN!) over a video call, it’s special! Something something something “fecundity” “fish” something. Cosima is excited! She thinks that knife will be a huge clue as to where CBC came from. They need to find her! Felix (Jordan Gavaris) does NOT think that’s a good idea, or that Sarah continue to be a “dirty little copy cop” but Sarah thinks she might be able to find more out that way.

They didn’t tell Alison about the knife, and good thing, since she’s already spinning out trying to safeguard her kiddos. She’s got them going to her parents house on a school night and her hubs Donny (Kristian Bruun) will be out drinking with clients, she just needs a little Me time. With her giant gun.

I covet her laundry room / mud room, but I’m pretty sure she hates her husband. Suburbs are weird like that.

Sarah as Beth is at the crime scene Art (Kevin Hanchard) pinged her about; she’s a little jumpy. So is he, for that matter. They’ve found CBC’s bike and that’s why it was so odd with the kiddo, that wasn’t CBC’s kiddo. She just broke into someone’s house and did this to their bathroom

It’s not that I am anal retentive, it’s just that I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS!! Ahhhhhhhh!! I watched an entire season of a great show called Spotless, I came for the crime scene cleaning and stayed for the acting / writing. They clean up messes just like this! So organized.

Let’s interview the witness! Wee Trevor (Jack Fulton) called CBC an “angry angel”. Art asks Trevor what the angry angel looked like and he points right at Sarah. Whoops! Good eye, Trevor! Until now, Sarah’s had them all thinking their assailant was male, but Trevor’s blown that. GREAT JOB, wee man!

Oh and he has a fortune teller; CBC told him Sarah would come. It’s a hella gross one!

Siobhan (Marie Doyle Kennedy) isn’t messing around: if Sarah doesn’t make her meeting with Kira (Skyler Wexler) tonight, it’s over. I’m with Sarah on that one: Mrs. S can’t do that. I understand she’s working in what she thinks is the child’s best interests, but Sarah is still her genetically mutated mother.

Back at the police station, they’re reviewing everything they know about the shooter, now that she’s a female “about Beth’s size” (or you know, BETH with a bad peroxide job). They’ve got the cause of death for Katja now and know she was shot with a long-range rifle but there’s no precedent for a female sniper.

CBC drew female stick figures all over the walls, we’re all counting them, yes? 5 as far as I can tell. No fingerprints and DNA is still pending, so Art breaks it down for them. They are chasing a “calculating female killer who loves to play games.”

Sarah gets back to her desk to find CBC has a name! Helena (Tatian Maslany) wants to meet with Sarah, she’s already given the address.

Art and Detective DeAngelis (Inga Cadranel) have that now too! They’ve figured out that the instructions in the fortune teller are all addresses and there’s only one they haven’t been to yet. Let’s go THERE!

Sarah and Art take off while Helena watches, she’s got her hair covered and she’s in the police station. Raj (Raymond Ablack) wants to know if she had a rough night? It’s the pale skin, red eyes and giant smurf hat, I’m guessing. She gets to look at the murder board, that seems to entertain her.

At the address, there is of course no Helena, but there is more information about the Clone Club. There are dozens of figures drawn on the walls, leading up to a pyramid with one figure with a question mark for a head.

Helena’s searching Sarah as Beth’s cubicle now, just when Paul (Dylan Bruce) calls; she got beat up, please come get her.

Sarah’s busy trying to mislead DeAngelis and Art, but it’s looking as though she can’t make that meeting with Kira this evening, which has been foretold since the beginning of time. She complains to Felix, who’s painting naked (save for an apron) and contemplating whether she or Cosima has bigger breasts. Sarah suggest something else we should have been expecting: the old Switcheroo! Or Parent Trap or whatever you call it when twins pretend to be their other. Hijinks ensue!

Felix has a great bum!

Alison is enjoying a glass of wine during her Me Time with her huge gun, I know I’m a pedant, but when she swirled, checked the legs and then smelled the bouquet on a screw top bottle of wine… I mean. It’s Felix (dressed) and Sarah needs some help with her daughter.

Raj is very appreciative of how much better Sarah looks than before, that should set off some alarms, yes?

Raj has the dreamiest eyes and wears a sweater vest like no other. She should totally dump Paul for him.

Art and Sarah see what Helena was up to in the murder board room:

And Sarah sees what Helena was doing in her desk. Maggie Chen has to be more involved than previously though, Helena put her picture over top of the one of Beth and Paul.

Alison is being difficult (IKNORITE??), she thinks this is a terrible example of parenting and perhaps Kira is better off with her foster mom, yeah? Felix breaks it down for her, HARD, and I love him in that moment.

Alison has done some acting, though, she was just in Steel Magnolias in the community theatre! Felix and I are…whatever creeped out and amazed is. He calls for a “reverse Pygmalion” and that’s perfect!

Oh great, now Paul’s there at the station. She tries to play it off, but he would like to spend some alone time with her. He likes the changes. A LOT. That refers to the counter sex, I’m guessing.

Cosima’s done a bit more looking into the knife; she thinks it’s related closely to Christianity and that means my guess about the marks on her back being of the religious kind was probably right. If you are a Creationist (I’ve heard of those!), genetic experiments such as the clones would be abominations and I think we all know what happens when a religious fanatic of any stripe decides to take care of business. They’re not the best for reasoning things out.

So. Even if Helena the Killer Clone (fanks Felix!) is a clone, she could feel compelled by self-loathing and dedication to her higher power (that thinks she should die) to kill all of them. Then her? Or was she wound up and pointed by someone else? Hmm

I spent the whole time looking down Cosima’s top, unintentionally, I think they MIGHT be bigger, Felix!

Art presses Sarah as Beth on the Paul Problem; he’s pretty rude to her CONSIDERING SHE SAVED HIS LIFE LAST NIGHT. Anyway, he’s off to look at something and Helena calls. She’s sitting on someone’s perfectly harmless white shag carpet carving on her back with a sharp object like in Sharp Objects. She’s sent Sarah the address of where she’d like to meet and yes, Maggie Chen is involved.

Hey, the address is on Kensington! Go to the market, get me some cheese!

Oh but the email isn’t just an address, it’s also a video confession of her as Beth confessing to the murder of Maggie Chen, not by accident as Sarah just sold to everyone on Beth’s behalf.

Showtime! Go Alison! Go have fun with Kira! She’s over-slouching, but coming along.

Art can’t get over Sarah as Beth mis-identifying her assailant as male; I picked up that Helena was female right away; Art and I think most people would have. It’s weighing on him. Where is she anyway?

She’s at the Waverly Hotel on Kensington! Ohhhh and a little police detecting shows that Sarah has been sent to Maggie Chen’s apartment! That’s probably not kosher, izzit? Returning to the scene of the crime? Where you shot an unarmed civilian?

Kira’s shy around Alison, she’s sensed the differences right off. “You just look like her.” Kira is not convinced. “What do you call me?” “Monkey!” “What else” “Monkey…”

Sarah’s scared. She’s in a strange situation with no idea what’s going on and she’s alone, so she records a message for Art in case something happens to her. Creepy Blonde Clone is creepy

OHHHHHHH!!!! Maggie Chen helped make the clones!! Then she saw the light and came to Helena’s side! WHAT!!?? Helena gets rabid when challenged; Sarah realises Helena thinks she’s the Original. Sarah warns her as the buzzer starts to ring: whoever sent Helena at the clones hates her as much as they hate the others, she’s not safe.

Art is almost there but Sarah has the gun too close!! Helena pulls the gun to her forehead. You can’t kill her, Sarah! Make sure she doesn’t get her hands on the trigger! IT’S THE SAME APARTMENT OF YOUR LAST KILL!! You ALSO can’t be seen with her, Sarah, so send her out the window! NOW!!

It’s like she heard me! Yay! Art bursts in and wants to know what the Sam Hill is going on. I hope she trusts him soon, right? That would be a good thing.

Kira’s confused but willing to keep a secret, Alison does one better by asking Siobhan if she can come walk Kira home from school the next day. I guess if you want parenting advice and direction, the suburbs are FULL of that.

Back at the police station, everyone wants to scream at Sarah as Beth for being in Maggie Chen’s apartment, but she’s had it. She hands in her badge and gun and she’s owt. Even after all they’ve done for her, Art.

Oh noooo, Helena is absolutely dying, she’s sick like Katja! She collapses in the road and is picked up by a bogeyman with a signet ring: there’s our bad guy! And we’re oot.

Hmm hmm hmm, we’re getting tons of information every day! I want to know if Beth killed herself because she killed Maggie Chen on purpose OR if she killed herself because she knew she too would get sick and die like Katja and Helena. I wish Sarah would tell Art or someone, anyway, I think she needs more help. I still love Cosima the best! Cheers