We’re back in Savannah with allls our party animals back in the nest on Party Down South, let’s see what kind of drinking and gettin’ goin’ they can get goin’!
Last time, there was some stupid ghost hunting shite and Lyle and Santana went on an engagement hiatus after she finally (sorta) came clean about humping Brandon at MudFest. And that was all that happened.
Lyle is swearing he and Santana are taking a couple of weeks to think about things, Tiff gives him two days. I give him one and one half hours. He’s calling himself Wild Lyle, he’s gonna partay! Right after he cooks dinner for everyone.
Ryan does a speech about Wild Lyle “gittin’ it goin’ agin” and “goin” through and I don’t know! I think they’re gonna go drinking? After Wild Lyle finishes grilling everyone some burgers. And bacon.
Wait: how do you grill bacon?
General Daddy *herk*, Murray and Walt are putting Operation Scare Girls off the Balconies into play, with more fishing line shenanigans. Wicket! A LAMP fell down! Do they not see the fishing line when they touch the lamps?
They have to go to work; Tiffany s losing her mind trying to get everyone out the door to their fake jobs where they pretend to sell fruit, she’s, well, she’s passionate.
Murray, Lauren and Tiff gossip about Santana; Lyle’s been telling them that she didn’t just bounce on Brandon, Santana led him on and he was in lurve with her. Murray thinks it’s double dirty for her to bang someone who was into her, and er…? She should sleep with someone who DOESN’T like her, and that’s okay? Do.not.follow. I get what he’s saying, what Santana was doing was running parallel relashies and that is tricky at best. But I doubt very much anyone goes into cheating with a clearly drawn out plan and guidelines and shite. And if you do, you may want to evaluate your life choices.
Murray thinks Wild Lyle needs to “git it goin'” with some other chick and “rail that somebitch and holler out Santana’s name at the end” and it’s like poetry, I’m all aswoon. Or completely the opposite.
Hannah is trying to explain the lamp-breaking ghosts to the boys, who declare privately that they have really pulled off “some David Copperfield shit in here, come on” but Hannah worries that she’s gonna get possessed and start killing everyone. That would be terrible!! Terribly ENTERTAINING!!
While fake working at their fake jobs, Tiffany asks one of the owners about what they can do in Savannah other than go to bars; she brings up Nascar in South Carolina. Murray is ‘CITED! They go home to pitch it to the “family.”
Daddy’s got a friend who can maybe get them down into the pit, impressing Walt, who says “who woulda thought this spiky-haired beach boy would have a friend in Nascar?” and not I, Walt. Not I.
Tiffany wants to rent a RV instead of a Party Bus and it’s gonna happen! Darlington, here they come!
Daddy calls his friend, who promises everyone pit passes, if Daddy doesn’t get too drunk. Let’s just take that as the wakeup call it is, Daddy. When someone at NASCAR is worried about your drinking…
Hannah can’t find her stuffed Haven anywhere, and she cries. Let me just repeat that back, in case y’all missed that: a grown woman in her twenties is crying because she can’t find her stuffie that she sleeps with every night. Walt finds it immediately, but she swears it’s the ghost with a personal vendetta against her. Lauren doesn’t think any self-respecting ghost would haunt a house with floral wallpaper and I gotta go with Lauren on this one.
Next morning: Road Trip! Duck calls, screaming and up rolls an A-Class motorhome, it looks like Brett Michaels’ tour buss, sans groupie sweat, wow. I sincerely hope there’s a driver included. There is, but we never get to see said driver; perhaps to maintain the illusion that they’re not celebrities.
Everyone is getting their extry-Murican stuff on to git it goin’, Daddy says there ain’t no such thing as too much patriotism and “if Bin Laden saw them, he’d just drop DEAD” and do you wanna tell him or should I?
Murray is bout peeing himself he’s so excited, Daddy’s buddy got them the best deal ever. They are gonna meet Ricky Stenhouse Jr. (the OTHER Junior) and Austin Dillon, who are both adorable but so, so very young. Tiffany cougars out for a bit, but Ricky is dating Danica Patrick, wow, he’s gotta have more to him that he looks like.
Daddy goes right to asking about the in-race bathroom habits of Nascar drivers, because sure. That’s the REAL scoop. I have a sneaking suspicion that Daddy himself has wet his pants more than once.
They’re in the garage now, after taking some selfies and doing a “pretend we’re learning something” segment, it only takes 11 seconds for the pit crews to change all four tires and put 18 gallons of gasoline in the car and that’s badass. Murray seems to understand better than most the transient nature of their fame, quite surprised that they are allowed to touch an actual car. You and me both, Murray.
Then everybody says badass, but I SAID IT FIRST!!
They are on the track for ages, saying hi to everyone and then singing the national anthem and everyone is feeling so American they could just SPLODE.
They leave the race and park in Columbia, SC, which is a party town and probably spelled wrong, but really, close enough. Walt and Daddy debate the relative virtues of “banging a dropout” vs. a current college student, while Mattie goes to get changed. From black booty shorts into blue booty shorts. Done!
Daddy wants Lyle to go rub the rhubarb, woo hoo! There are shots, a mechanical bull and sexy-named drink specials: I think college town might be right! Lyle is doing pretty well, buying shots for some beautiful women and I am reminded of a comedian who suggested that buying a woman 8 alcoholic bevvies is the modern-day equivalent of hitting her over the head with a club: same results. Except that the woman drinking gets an ACTUAL CHOICE, AHOLE!!
I’m such a buzzkill
Tiffany makes a run at the bull and she can’t get her arse up high enough. There’s a truly terribly staged meeting between a Juliana and Lyle, they make a completely manufactured bet about who can stay on the bull the longest and there goes Lyle!
More flirting while the gang watches in between shots, shots, shots! Aww, she wants whiskey, which makes her “real” and all I have to roll my eyes while noting that I always drank whiskey too. Far, far, FAR too much whiskey.
Boudreaux got Juliana’s number, which he’s keeping, but Walt brought his young ladyfriend Christina all the way back to the RV. He has maybe two feet up and two feet wide to work with but seals the deal. Atta boy?
The next morning, Walt puts an embarrassed-looking Christina in a cab, chalking another one up for Mr. September. I will put one in the W column for Christina, she also only had two feet up and three feet wide to work with, and also sealed the deal. High fives for everyone! I will say that Walt is the one that seems to focus more on gettin’ it goin’, not wasting as much time drinking or talking or any of that unnecessary shite, apparently, when you have cameras kicking around 24-7.
Lyle shows off the number he got last night to Walt, who feigns excitement while brushing stray pubes out of this beard. That’s so cute, a number!!
The girls have noticed that their rooms stink; they blame it on Boudreaux not flushing after using the potty but we get ALLS the information: he grew up with girls, he sits to pee! He also knows what’s up with the self-styled Terror Twins, so he find their pan of stinky goo and brings it into their room instead.
Hannah calls Cody and baby-talks for a bit, but he wants to talk to Lyle. I can actually feel my stomach drop. I don’t want to hear any more about Santana! Lyle’s out getting numbers! It comes out, though, Cody saw Santana was out without her ring with her ex-boyfriend Garrett. Well. I mean. Boudreaux was out getting numbers and everyone was really hoping he was ’bout to hop on some strange, so for sure this won’t be bad, right?
He’s outside smiling at everyone really big until they ask him why and he ‘splains. He’s talking nonsense in riddles, though, Murray senses some big trouble so asks him to sit down and talk about it. The double standards on this show are REAL and breathtaking with regards to how they react about Santana not wearing her ring and hanging out with an ex-bf.
Speaking of breathtaking, Lyle is getting ready for bed, but he can’t breathe. Murray is really worried about a heart attack, but he’s also hallucinating that he’s seen his mama and they decide to call an ambulance. And we oot. Wow. I hope Lyle’s okay, but I also think maybe a course of treatment at home might be just the thing.
Have a great week, y’all.
