This week on Party Down South, it looks as though we have the fated Santana / Tiffany throwdown, I can almost smell the extension glue from here. Onwards!

Last week we lost Murray to his mama’s medical troubles, Lyle apologized to Santana and it strained relations with the rest of the house, Daddy picked up two different blondes the same night and STILL didn’t get any, but Walt showed everyone how it is done with a cowboy serenade / twin bed / toe curling combo: BOOM.

In honour of the episode title, I must play the Charlie Daniels song, because it is one of the most fun songs to dance to EVER and the fiddlework is surpassed by none.

Back to the show! Lyle is slamming beers in the garden and bitching to Daddy *herk* about Tiffany and Lauren: “This is a terrorist torture situation. Like if I had a terrorist, I’d get Tiffany and Lauren drunk and put them in a room with him. He’s gonna SQUEAL.” I agree with one thing he’s saying: the tag team aspect is what makes it truly annoying, whenever Tweedledumb stops to catch her breath, Tweedledrunker steps in and starts shouting “congratufuckulations; you’re bout to marry a fcuking whore!!” Lot to handle.

Daddy *herk* thinks the girls should just back off, but Walt is more straightforward with the girls, he tells them they need to respect the choices Lyle has made and they don’t know what they do inside their normal lives, let it go, get out their bidness. Personally, I said this last time and I gotta say it again: I think Tiffany has a dog in this fight emotionally, I don’t think this is just drunk bravado. Also: Walt is adorable AF. As you were

Lyle is carrying on and carrying on and he can’t go on rumour, conjecture and opinion (that’s not what he says, but that’s what he means) and hey hey, don’t forget, he HAS facts! That’s what started this whole conversation in the first place: Santana was friends with a kid named Brandon, there were some flirty ab pics sent on Snapchat, Lyle asked her to knock it off, so SHE CHANGED BRANDON’S NAME in her phonebook to that of a female friend. Now lovely gentle readers and friends: I’ve only just remembered that has happened to me as well. I must have blocked it out, but yes, someone once changed the name of a female online friend to that of a male co-worker in his phone and there is absolutely no logical, non-shady reason for that, and THAT is what Lyle needs to focus on. He tells Daddy *herk* he needs to go with his gut, because his instincts never fail him, and yes, he was quite concerned about the phonebook shenanigans, he’s just forgotten that in the wake of all the “marrying a fcuking whore” business.

Mattie’s oot! They have work orientation the next morning and she wants to go make some money, y’all! And get some Vitamin D: *and she ain’t talking about the fruit. Sigh. That doesn’t make any sense, but I think she’s wanting some D, and doesn’t mean Dallas. Or maybe vitamin C(awk), but doesn’t mean the fruit.

Lyle is just gonna keep drinking and not sleeping and I get it, he’s in a world of hurt and has no answers.

Ahhh, they’re gonna be selling fruit, maybe that’s what Mattie was going on about. She mimes how she’ll stand on the side of the road in her bikini shaking her peaches and figures that’ll get her some money. I’d gif it (iffin I knew how), but you know these club girls ain’t purty first thing in the am, pre-spackle.

Walt was a farmer, pre-fame days, so he starts throwing some questions about nutritional facts at Mattie, starting with “is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?” She says “vegetable” of course and when she gets That Face from Walt, asks if she can phone a friend. I’m trying not to like these people, but she’s kind of adorable, calling her mama first thing in the morning to find out if a tomato is a fruit or not (totes is). She still “don’t agree”.

Lyle isn’t going into work today, he says he’s like a Nascar stuck in the mud; he ain’t going nowheres: and he’s stuck on stupid. This is where the Jersey Shore / PDS credibility problem lies, really. When they have to pretend to work shit jobs for minimum wage as part of their room and board…when we can just look up on The Google how much they make per episode…

Murray’s home!! His momma called him a punk and said she never raised any quitters and the skeptic in me thinks they probably want that money for medical bills. I forgot Murray didn’t even know what’s going on! Lyle is ‘splainin’ and they agree, Lyle needs to see her face to face to know if she’s telling the truth. Murray asks if he can call Santana to ask her to come visit. That does not seem like a great idea.

The rest of the gang arrives at Davis Produce, Home of the Killer Tomato! It’s painful, watching these real people try to pretend these reality stars are getting their money from working a produce stand in the middle of Savannah.

Murray talks Santana into coming for a visit, with the rest out of the house, and I don’t know exactly how he thinks this will work; the gang was just doing orientation today. Murray “busts through the side door like the goldang Koolaid Man” and all is right with the world.

Everyone’s going out to celebrate Murray being back (on a Wednesday, woooooo), which is an appropriate followup to the Monday Murray’s Gone party. This reminds me so much of when I was in my twenties; there was a reason every night! Monday was Mug Monday at one bar, Tuesday was 25 cent hiballs at another, Wing Wednesday, Triples Thursdays at Triples, Friday and Saturday at the country bar OF COURSE, and then Sunday was Karoake at still ANOTHER bar. Yeah. That’s why I never lie about my age; I was just ecstatic to make it to 30 and 43 is allllll gravy. Everyone but Mattie and Lyle are going oot.

Hannah’s involved now, she’s allll up in the bidness, she’s asking Murray about Lyle, and when he says he’s talked Santana into coming for a visit, we ALL think that’s a bad idea. Tiffany especially.

Awwww, Murray was rocking the cutest man-pony, but I couldn’t get a screen shot and now it’s gone. They’re at the bar and shots shot shots! Walt and Ryan (I can’t keep typing Daddy *herk* any more, you feel me?) are trying to pick up women, but Tiffany thinks she’s being a good Wing Woman, but stepping in front of the guys and saying “I’m Tiffany, I’m a hugger” is NOT. She’s standing outside waxing poetic about how Christie is “real pretty” and how Walt “should bang her” as the very pretty Christie walks out. Tiffany scrambles to get a piece of paper to Christie’s number and she is just too involved in what other people are doing with their own dicks, you know? He doesn’t want the number, TIFFANY!!

Meanwhile, Murray is making out with the designated chubby friend (which would be me for sure in this sitch, not only am I chubby, I would bang Murray like a screen door in a hurricane: loudly and all night), he presses his case and she agrees to go back with him. I love how even lazy, trashy pickup lines sound better with a southern accent. Although Flounder Pounder sounds wrong in any dialect

Murray passes out, while his girl is trying to visit drunkenly with the rest of the gang. Oh man, we can’t even talk about Murray any more, we gotta get right back to Lyle and Santana. We get a little break when Ryan falls off the bar and hurts his ankle, yay respite!

Murray surfaces, Lyle is already antsy about getting everyone out and Murray doesn’t even remember the girl he brought home. Murray promised, so he gets everyone up for a Savannah PedalTavernTour, which doesn’t sound like a lot of fun while hungover. Lyle tries to thank everyone for giving him some time in the house, Tiffany stomps out swearing and Boudreaux is mad again. Tiffany is just too much, y’all.

They’re at the Savannah Slow Ride, woo hoo! Check out Murray in his awesome spandex onesie?!

And Santana arrives, Lyle is just SO excited to see her! She has the same shirt as FunBobs from Après Ski and me! She looks a whooolllle lot better innit than either than us, so will just leave it.

The rest of the gang are at a bar, having pedalled a whole five minutes and Tiffany is ALREADY going off.

Santana is pretending to cry and I forgot, Santana actually changed Brandon’s name TWICE in her phonebook, thanks Tiff! and somehow that isn’t coming up, just how hurt Santana is to be doubted. Watching Lyle’s pouty face is making me sad.

The pedal tour has been abandoned; the girls are drunk and everyone is headed back to the house in a taxi. No way this will go wrong!

Boudreaux and Santana are having a slumber party (with their shoes on, whut?) while the drunks in the cab scream about Santana doesn’t getta use their fans! She can’t sit with them! And now I can never use that expression again, THANKS, and Santana’s gonna “sweat like a whore in church… What a coincidence” says Lauren. So subtle, these ladies.

Boudreaux and Santana are sitting on the sofa while everyone comes home. Hannah’s calling her boyfriend while Tiffany’s stumbling around with her HaterShades on. All of a sudden, Santana is ALL over Lyle, it’s so dumb and so obvious. She’s talking about what a great fiancée he is and Lauren calls Brandon. Wow. This is actually true. Brandon says he never would do anything to Lyle, Santana said she was broken up with Lyle when they hooked up; Brandon tells Lyle to call him.

Santana and Lyle are in the hot tub, they can hear EVERYTHING and Santana wants to bail. She knows it’s on and the jig is up and talking to Boudreaux while climbing on his lap one on one is one thing; but a bunch of drunk, angry girls that got confirmation from the other side of the equation is a whole NOTHER thing.

It’s actually Lauren who ends up throwing down on Santana, and that makes sense, Santana knows better than to go anywhere near Tiffany, she crazy and Lauren is still rational. Right until Santana gets in her face. Lauren throws the first punch and I think Tiffany is in there somewhere and CUT!

We’re oot and I will leave it with this mantra: I am so glad I’m not in my twenties any more. I am so glad I’m not in my twenties any more. I am SO GLAD I am not in my twenties any more. See you next week, CousinHumpers!