I was HORRIFIED yesterday to find myself idly speculating as to how Lyle and Santana were doing, just out of the blue, so Party Down South has leeched it’s way into my subconscious and now I WORRY about them! And not just the cute, funny ones like Murray! It’s not too late, save yourselves! But read this first
But hey, first things first, that title isn’t a COUNTRY song, it’s Hair Metal and I KNOW it!!! It’s a Bon Jovi song from 1985, off their 7800 Fahrenheit album and I played that album to DEATH. I was such a Bon Jovi freak back in the day and that is exactly why I don’t do music reviews: I have terrible taste. I did love Guns ‘N’ Roses more than some of my close family members, if that helps my cred at all?
Last we saw Lyle, he was hanging up on his fiancee to get on a plane to sneak home; the girls talk about how messed up it is. They don’t know daily if he’s packing his shite or sneaking off to Vegas, and that is, unforch, how relationships typically run at the end. Maybe it’s inconvenient for friends, but they better buck up, we haven’t even GOTTEN to the ex-sex and late night booty calls and the insane jealousy over new / old boy / girlfriends.
Hannah starts off the morning with some fart-shaming of Cody and her adorable puppy Haven, heading out for lunch and leaving Haven with Murray “I’m gonna feed her creamed corn!”
Ryan and Mattie are getting ready together, awww they use the same moisturizer. And talk shite about Santana (I have to fight to not call her Savannah Lynn); Ryan thinks Lyle’ll probs “bang her and come back” and I would not put that past the situation. That’s what happens during breakups. And they’re engaged, they’ve GOT extra boomeranging to do!
At lunch, a local server asks the gang if they’ve done any exploring in Savannah. Tiff is honest at least, “just the bars”, but asks about Savannah being haunted. I can’t do ghost stuff. I think it’s ridic, so prepare yourself for a bunch of bitchy side-eye. Everyone ready? Great! Let’s do this. I hear Ryan from The Afterlife does the best tours!
In the meanwhile, this here restaurant is the most haunted place in all of Savannah and SURE it is! Everyone wants a haunted brunch! Except Hannah, who looks like she might bolt, but decides instead to cling to her man, cooing “as long as you’re here” while he and I try not to throw up.
The server says the ghost in this restaurant has “literally pushed two people down the stairs” and I’m guessing this is actually a pub, not straight up restaurant. And yeah, it’s a brewing company. Walt asks what I would ask, “does being drunk intensify the spirit?” and for sure it does. Me and Walt
They’re gonna prank Ryan with it, yaaaayyy. They drive home and Hannah walks in to an indifferent Haven whose looking for Cody and can I just say? I need to puppy-parent shame / call shenanigans: she yakked about missing that adorable little inky-dinky cutesy wootsey puppy for DAYS and she hasn’t spent a minute with her the whole time she’s been there. Now I’m not one of those people that thinks you have to kiss your animals on the mouth (you know who you are), but she seems to be treating her like some peeps treat their kiddos: like dolls to dress up and ignore between photo sessions. I’M JUST SAYING IT’S POSSIBLE.
They set the hook for Ryan, who swallows it whole and they’re all excited, and in need of more to do in their lives. Mattie takes a break from grinning evilly at Ryan to call her sister Meggie. Mattie and Meggie. Huh. Anyway, they’ve found pre-cancerous cells on Maggie’s ovaries, and she paid $200 that she didn’t have to get injections that would kill it. Just like that, the call turns from sounding like “oh no!” to “how much?” but Mattie is good for it. The only other option is a hysterectomy and that sucks, dude. Bobspeed
Mattie and Maggie’s grandpa is also going in for knee surgery the following day and it sounds much more dangerous than that. Huh. Every single person seems like they are just going through the motions for this show right now, it’s turned into a grim deathmarch where they just wanna get through and drink their arses off for money so they can get back home to take care of their real business.
Everyone is going to help pray for Mattie’s pops and sometimes my wee black irreligious heart marvels at the comfort that would provide. I will not go any further down the talking religion road, because I can’t do it without shouting, but it does look so cozy at times like this.
As Lyle is boarding the plane, he gets a series of texts from Santana. Yeah, it was like that, yeah, she did it, and Lyle knew, but he didn’t KNOW until just then, you know? He cries and I feel bad for him that this is all being broadcast like this.
Back in Savannah, the crew is getting ready for pranking Ryan, and beer bloat is real and catching up to all they all. Turnt up Tuesday! Mattie wasn’t planning on going, but some chilled vodka shots are gonna help her deal with her home stress.
Ryan is just so dumb, hey? Like so dumb.
Lyle called a friend of his to come get him. I thought it was his dad! He WAS going to leave her, but now that she’s come clean, Lyle is willing to try to try.
Ryan rolls up at da club (haunted Moon River Brewing Co.) and is perplexed by the lack of other patrons “gittin’ it goin'” but he vows to “git it goin’ like it ain’t ever been got” and can you believe I recap this AND the sublime Happy Valley? Me EITHER!
It’s hard to believe that they’re still playing this off as a prank and not just “not telling your blackout-drunk prone friend you’re chasing ghosts tonight” but there it is. They laugh and laugh and laugh
The Ghost Hunters go into their spiel while all the “vacationers” stress about their individual fambly problems. Cue the black lights! Tiffany…I mean. Murray proves why I love him when he says that the girls were freaking out over the noise, but he figures it was just his belly; he’s had to poo since they got there.
Mattie is wearing a shirt torn down both sides, taking chilled vodka shots and she’s cold. It must be ghosts. She is all done, though, heading home and that makes sense, get thee to your family! That’s where all your concentration is.
Lyle is planning his run into Santana’s house, which is where all his concentration is. Um. She is still playing this off, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t have sex and she laughs and this is ridiculous. I like Lyle, but I’ve known a million Lyles and a billion Santanas and maybe this is just not their time. Lyle says “maybe sometimes when they’re falling apart, maybe they’re falling into place” and somebody, please shoot me somewhere non-fatal.
Mattie is home pacing and drinking, while the rest of the gang is pretending to be afraid of ghosts, ‘cept for the dudes who didn’t want to fake it that hard.
Murray’s line of the night “Just ’cause I’m fat doesn’t mean I’m stuck.” Testify, bruh!
Mattie calls everyone into the living room and drunkenly slurs that she’s going home and this is pretty much weekly, hey? Murray two weeks ago, Lyle this morning, Mattie today…I gather this was a familiar pattern of behaviour with Mattie, the difference being that this time she’s not screaming and yelling and them asking her to leave, this time it’s her choice. Progress Mattie Daddy!
Hott Dogg gets it in one more time the next time with Cody while Haven chews on ginch at the foot of the bed. Awwww
It’s raining and everyone is kinda blue with Mattie and Lyle gone. Tiffany calls Mattie and they all visit and Murray loves the way her breast feel against his and he’s a one man joke machine!
Tiffany and Hannah are gossipping about Lyle; the boys are all in the back talking about pranking the girls and good lord. I mean. 10 minutes of this and absolutely nothing to recount.
Lyle calls home to the house to let them know he’s on his way home, he’s left the lady behind and everyone is so excited! Also home is Mattie, which makes it the shortest turnaround in history. Did she just hang out at the airport?
Her grandpa had gotten scared and told everyone he was dying and that did sound fairly extreme for a knee surgery. I mean, you are under anesthetic, so there’s always that, and presumably aged, hard to say.
Prank time and Tiffany is looking for holy water so’s she can do some rebuking in the name of the lord and I’ll be right back when Lyle gets home. Oh yay, there is he! Everyone is very excited and iffin I am too , that ought to show you how much I LOVE ghosts that I am actually looking forward to ANOTHER recounting of the Santana dramz.
He tells everyone they are taking two weeks apart, Tiffany gives it two days and we’ll see how Wild Lyle does.
I need a drink. Peace oot, jubblies!
