Welcome back to Party Down South, are you ready to party Savannah-Style with our rowdy bunch of wastrels? Me too! Let’s roll

Last week there was even MOAR Santana  / Lyle dramz, but I think we’re at the pointy end now. Lauren got White Girl Wasted all the way to a blackout, Tiffany and Bubba *may* have just broken up, due to her flipping out about her ex sleeping with her bestie and she dealt with it in the best way possible, by getting drunk and doing body shots off of wee tattooed ChiChi.

I didn’t think me and Daddy would ever agree on anything, but we both think the body shots Tiffany and ChiChi are just unsanitary. I mean, she has to lick it off his whole body, and he’s spitting into her mouth and just a minute, I need to go throw up.

Mattie is working on a completely not-interested surfer just down the bar, if body language could speak out loud, it would say “stop shouting at me, Giraffe, I just wanna drink my drink and chill. Bruh” but she’s not picking up what he’s laying down. Surfer’s friend asks her if she wants to shoot a prono? Nah

Everyone is DUN and wants to go home, but Mattie’s still trying to get it in and the boys won’t let her drunk arse pick up some randoms on the side of the street. Party poopers!!

They party in the pool back at the house, Boudreaux clowning around to cheer Mattie up. Walt says those two hooked up before and hmmm. Rebound bumpsies? First Lyle has to call Santana and argue with her, calling her bruh and homey and then DONE. She tries to lie, again and again and his disgust rolls over her like an inexorable cloud and it’s over.

The next morning, ChiChi’s gotta go, he’s all perky and soft-voiced and he’s oot. Everyone works through their hangovers and Lyle asks Murray if he did the right thing? Murray swans about in his pigtails and tells him yeah, it’s the right move.

Bubba calls and Tiffany manages to not shout for exactly 23 seconds, that must be a record! Then it’s all bull about how she doesn’t care that her ex is sleeping with someone else, she cares that it’s her best friend, because you can’t do that. Boys just don’t understand. He hangs up on her again.

Tiffany stomps off to have a shower and Mattie answers the phone when Bubba calls back. He’s all grouchy and demands to speak to Tiffany, Mattie tells him to smile, Felicia, she can feel that bad energy through the phone. Pfft. Tiffany tells Mattie to tell Bubba to go fcuk himself and Mattie TRIES to be nice, but Bubba doesn’t believe Tiff is in the shower and it sounds stupid, but that was really funny. Mattie has comedic chops, y’all!

The phone rings AGAIN, it’s Santana, she wants Mattie to tell napping Lyle that she called and she loves him. She tells Lyle, who says pfft: he left her last night. Mattie is ‘CITED! She’s gonna get some of that Boudreaux Belleh!

Bubba calls again, he misses Tiffany and now they’re not gonna see each other either. Hannah walks in and asks the boys what’s going on? Murray says he’ll take a wild guess: he’s gonna be not-skinny, Daddy’s gonna say “get it goin'”, Walt’s gonna piss someone off and she’s gonna cry and HAHAHAHAHA. She says that was yesterday HAHAHAHAHA. These people and this show can be very charming, once you get into it.

They’re going out for crabs! All the women are in one cab and they gossip some more about Lyle breaking up with Santana AGAIN.

Crab time! They eat a metric tonne of crab legs and see a segway tour sign, let’s do that!

Ooooh and Bubba calls. He IS coming Friday, that was a secret surprise fakeout! How cool. He tells Hannah, and Mattie already knows, let’s see if they can keep that secret all the way to Friday!

Mattie books a segway tour; so much fun! Lyle takes off his engagement ring (?) and tells everyone it’s over for reals for reals. The tour is gonna be boys vs. girls and they bring the segways to the house? The segways go 12.5 mph and that doesn’t sound fast, but…Murray are I are wondering about weight limits?

They’re racing in pairs; Tiffany vs. Daddy to start. It’s a relay though, and the boys faceplant TWICE and the more sensible-riding girls take it and the boys are servants for a day, yay! They pick partners and Mattie gets Lyle of course. Murray’s the most fun, of course, talking in old English and then he has to rub Lauren’s feet and it’s so HERKY.

Mattie gets a neck rub and this reminds me of when me and three coworkers used to have Hand Lotion Day! It’s a long story.

Walt comes up with a good plan; send the ladies to the spa, on them, so they don’t have to rub any more crusty feet or get any food for them. Awwww. The girls all chatter about Mattie and Lyle let’s see what happens!

Time to get it goin’! They’re partying at Saddlebags, Murray is making friends and Lyle is meeting the bachelorette party: shots shots shots! Everyone wants Lyle to get laid, as Lauren puts it: “get over that dirty girl. Find yourself a nice girl. That will sleep with you after knowing you less than an hour.” HAHAHAHA

There’s a really cute blonde woman who tells Murray they were doing shots the other weekend; he doesn’t remember, but they hang out all night and kiss, dang, she’s really pretty. He’s using all his charm to get her into the pretzel maneuver while the ladies work on their best stripper moves.

Lyle is working on HIS best stripper moves for a very appreciative Bachelorette crew, none of that is right. There’s a blonde in a shorts jumper all over him and Mattie wants sommaDAT!

Murray is still making out with Taylor, Walt’s freaked out, saying they look like two Saint Bernards licking an ice cream cone and hahahahaha. Wait. Was that a fat shot, or was that to do with the drunk and sloppy bit? Lauren tries to cockblock, but Murray is determined!

Time to go! Everyone is tahred and Lyle is soaked? Murray brings his friend home, at least he’s fully awake this time and doesn’t just leave her downstairs like the last ladyfriend he brought home.

Mattie and Boudreaux are having a meaningful convo in the hot tub; he doesn’t wanna go home, he just wants to stay here forever. I’ve felt that same way about a particular bar at various times, so I completely get it.

Sugarbear and pal are gettin’ it goin’ in his bed

while the other boys wander in (don’t mind me!) and Mattie climbs into bed with Lyle. And takes her top off. And huh. We oot!

So that’s it! Lyle and Santana Lynn are dunzo for reals and Mattie is making her move. I feel like that might not be the BEST idea, given how rebounds tend to not work out all that well, but I’m getting a sense of urgency from her, given that Lyle is single and very much ready to mingle. Other than that, I’m ‘cited Tiffany gets to see her boyfriend finally, fighting while apart is almost impossible to handle, a little hands-on time is definitely in order. Until next week, crazy cowboys and cowgirls!

All photos from giphy.com, thanks much!