Hi everyone! Welcome back to the very last known episode of Rose and Maloney! I’ve enjoyed watching Sarah Lancashire strut around in varying hairstyles while berating her sidekick, but all good things must come to an end. Only two months until Last Tango in Halifax, woo hoo! Rolling Rose and MaloneyS3:E3 after the break

We open in a fog-filled field with a boy called Kenny (Leo Potter) being summoned by his father Alan (Neil Dudgeon). His mother Danuta (Mary Tamm) is making supper; oh look, the grandparents are here! The music is all cheerful, so I’m sure something murder-y is about to happen, it’s the most oddly scored show.

They have a lovely supper, young Kenny isn’t into footy, he has other interests

There’s a knock at the door, surely they aren’t expecting anyone. Alan sighs heavily: it’s Marcus. Everyone looks shocked; black sheep Marcus must only be talked about in whispers by the waxing of a crescent moon, even if he is Danuta’s brother.

Turns out it’s not Marcus politely knocking at the door, but rather a gang of armed and masked thieves. Or is it?? The men shoot Grandpa straight off and then drag the parents outside where they are shot execution style and then set on fire. WHAT? Grandma saw everything from the house, managing to send Kenny away before being shot herself.

Kenny hides in the barn, repeating “Uncle Marcus” over and over, where he is found the next morning. I think the gunman in the barn actually saw young Kenny but left him to live.

Det. Glover (Frank Harper) shows Rose (Sarah Lancashire) and Maloney (Phil Davis) the crime scene, ending at where the grandmother dragged herself to the road. She’d been shot twice and still survived to tell the tale. Alan and Danuta were burned with napalm, WHAT? That can’t be readily available.

The police convicted Marcus Roche (George Costigan!! Our Nev from Happy Valley!) and Sgt. Glover doesn’t want to hear another thing about it. It took him 7 years to nail Marcus down, and he got Glover right back. Rose and I want to know what that means, but he’s not spilling. Just let the bugger rot in jail. Lookit Nev Marcus!

Glover warns Rose and Maloney to be careful of Marcus, he’ll do ya, that’s what he do.

Joyce (Nisha Nayar) explains the possible motive to us; Alan, Denuta and Marcus were all partners in a successful real estate property developing business, to the tune of 200 million quid. Alan had reported Marcus for tax evasion 2 months before the mass murders; that with Kenny recognising his uncle’s voice is what put Marcus away.

Marcus is still very influential, slum-lording properties from jail and with lots of important people calling the CJRA on his behalf. Rose wants to talk to Kenny, but he disappeared after the trial, ostensibly with family but really: in the wind.

We watch Marcus go about his prison routine, carefully smoothing hair over his bald spot and ironing his clothes in preparation for his interview with the CJRA.

There’s that jaunty banjo music again!

The guard has to knock before entering Marcus’s room; Marcus is the soul of solicitousness; complimenting a suddenly shy Rose and hey, the kettle is on! Anyone care for one of 3 teas? Rose tries to gain control of the tone of the meeting; which she considers not strictly necessary, but he’d like to be out by the end of the month, fanks. And how is Sgt. Glover? Still a sergeant after all these years, *tsk tsk*. “I guess you can do your job TOO well.” The implication is clear; tread lightly and do what you’re told, CJRAers.

Rose counters; there’s no new evidence, and what there is strongly implicates him, so what are they doing here? His mother has recanted her testimony, though, so…he’ll need a limo when he gets out, okay? One more thing, he’ll need a referral from them to the court of appeals and then his lawyers can do their thing. He asks the cost of an acquittal? $100,000 to $150,000?

Rose and Maloney are stymied later; they both found Marcus quite likeable but absolutely murdery. I was mostly struck by Marcus’s plummy Londoner accent, a bit of a change from when he’s swanning about Happy Valley.

Rose sort of quit smoking, she’s on the patch

But if he buys her dinner on Thursday, she can smoke all she likes. Wait. I think I have that wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it, so I’ll just lay it out. He wants her to come on a date with him, he met a woman at the supermarket that he REALLY likes, so yeah, come and tee him up for a shag with Julie, Rose.

I sort of know what that means, but if you think bringing another woman on a first date is a good idea, Maloney, you and I need to have a chat. Rose will come, but Maloney will have to find her a date and it better not be impotent Phil from Personnel.

Inside his luxurious prison cell, Marcus sobs over a picture of Kenny and Danuta. And I mean CRIES, this man is heartbroken.

Grandma is Anna Roche (Diana Coupland) and Rose and Maloney are there to see why she recanted her testimony after all these years. Her adviser Yvette (Myra McFadden) will be staying during the interview in case there are any issues.

Anna only identified Marcus because of Kenny being so sure, she’s clearly being strong-armed by the younger Yvette, so she doesn’t say much. Grandpa just wanted to teach Marcus a lesson when he reported him for tax evasion and I’m PRETTY sure that’s not how being prosecuted for tax evasion works.

Anna couldn’t see Marcus ever doing anything to hurt Danuta, he loved his adopted sister. Oh ho, Rose seizes on that at once: and I admit, I forgot it was Danuta that was related to Marcus, not Alan, because his grief over her seemed amplified past friendly.

Rose asks about Kenny, Anna repeats the lie that he was taken by Alan’s family. We know there is no Alan’s family, so where did he go? They get kicked out and discuss it on the way; could Anna be protecting Kenny with her recantation?

Sgt. Glover’s waiting for them just down the way; don’t you trust Marcus, Rose. He’ll hurt you. I feel as though we’re missing a bunch with regards to Marcus and his menace, although it could be because we saw him weeping like a toddler denied a biscuit earlier.

Rose and Maloney are at a bike shop meeting Max Roche (Joe Armstrong from Happy Valley!!), who doesn’t want to talk about his father Marcus, FANKS. He hasn’t trusted his dad since Marcus killed his mother and that’s all he has to say. Well. He also asks Rose to tell his father he’s looking forward to spitting on his grave and insinuates that Marcus killed Kenny, then he’s done.

Throughout this tense encounter, a light hipster-y tune is playing in the background, think The Lumineers of the early 2000s. ODD SCORING

It’s Thursday night Date Night! Maloney is capital N Nervous, he’s even smoking with Rose. Remember when you could smoke in a restaurant as though it was normal to smoke near people that are EATING? The good old days. Rose susses immediately that all Maloney scrounged up for a date was impotent Phil from Personnel and she’s OOT. Maloney begs her to stay loudly, he doesn’t get enough SEX! Don’t blow this for him, unless she’s planning on stepping in, he needs SEX! Oh hai Julie!

Julie (Angeline Ball) doesn’t turn around and walk out just like that, so either she has a hearing problem or she would like some SEX!! too. Rose sits back down too, this oughta be awesome!

Marcus is calling Anna to make sure she’s holding the line, while he’s threatening her with menace in his town (anything you need to tell me, Mum?) a light picking string tune plays and talks us for a jaunty walk down by the river. THIS SCORING. She turns to her picture of Kenny at her bedside and says “hang on kid, hang on.”

Maloney and Julie are getting on famously while Rose and Phil (Roger Frost) make awkward small talk until he sets his jacket on fire and it gets exciting.

Maloney and Julie are practically humping at the table now; sticky toffee pudding indeed. He wakes up the next morning to see a sleeping Julie next to him and whispers a jubilant “result!” which wakes her up. In full lipstick. Come ON.

It’s awfully quiet over breakfast with Rose, she finally leaves to head in, but he will be staying home and “going over some stuff.” With all this footsie in the air, I also feel like going over some stuff! Stuff for all!

Julie is more than willing to go over stuff with Maloney, she wants to know everything about him! He sure knows how to pick ’em. He’s very lonely, perhaps this will help.

Rose has come to see Marcus alone this time, she was in the neighbourhood looking for a place to rent. They banter a bit and then she asks if he has Kenny? He searches her for a wire (under the breasts, Marcus? Really) thanks to Sgt. Glover’s insistence on wearing one for every conversation and then we’re into it.

Who did it if he didn’t? Not his nemesis Sgt. Glover, he lacks the imagination. Max, maybe? No answer, really, except that Rose lies about Max reading his letters: he does not.

Maloney makes it into the office to be teased by Rose about his hickey from Julie; is he not allowed a private life?

He holds forth on his magical night with Julie in far too much detail at the top of his lungs while Joyce waits and listens behind him. You’d think he’s learn to look around once or twice before going on about how many times you had sex, right? Wally (David Westhead) wants to see them!

Sir Andrew Ross (Douglas Reith) is Marcus’s lawyer and he’s here to cancel his appointments with Rose and Maloney; Wally has already done the requested referral to the court of appeals. Rose protests; they believe the new evidence of the recanted testimony was under duress. Wally pushes back, it’s done, see you later Sir Ross and it’s all over officially. He shuts the door

Love the hand-dancing! This makes Rose’s face do this

Which is kind of magic, yes?

Marcus is released to news crews and Sgt. Glover, he drives off in an expensive cloud while Max watches from the back. He rabbits when Rose approaches him, what’s all that about? Rose supposes you can hate someone and miss them too and boy, can you.

Rose has gone to see Anna again, this time when Yvette’s not around. She bluffs that she knows why Alan and Marcus hated each other so much, Anna is shocked. Who told her?? Max?? Was it Max? What does Max know? Anna is agitated, they can’t let Marcus have Kenny, they can’t.

They’re off to see Max, who angrily blames them for this happening but that’s not what matters. He takes them to see Kenny, who’s now 15. Maloney hasn’t got his head in the game, he’s chatting on the phone with Julie instead of standing watch as he should. Is he supposed to be sharing that much information? About finding someone they’ve been looking for? Light his candle indeed.

Kenny (Dominic Heard) is adorable! Sitting in his graffiti-filled room, he doesn’t want to be Rose’s friend, fanks. Light music plays so I’m sure someone will barge in with a shotgun right skippy. Kenny has selective deafness, he’s severely traumatized and I hope he’s getting help.

Rose asks if Marcus wants to hurt Kenny, but that’s not the problem at all. Max explains. Ohhhhhh, I was right about the odd overtones earlier with Marcus in regard to Danuta; Max and his mother Elizabeth (Fiona Terry) walked in on the siblings banging Lannister-style. They’ve loved each other in the biblical sense always.

Kenny was Marcus’s child, of course, which is why he was crying like a disconsolate preschooler denied a My Little Pony video before bed.

Max told Alan about Kenny, who went to Marcus and Danuta’s dad, who pressed Danuta to make a choice. Max vows to never let Marcus have Kenny. I hope he’s worked some therapy into the budget for the wee lad.

Okay: now none of the first scene makes sense, why would Alan invite the man who had fathered his child with his own sister / lover? That’s not black sheep, that’s full-on Game of Thrones.

Rose is looking at a flat with the worst realtor ever: the flats aren’t selling well, so we’ll do anything to get your business. Nobody wants something nobody else wants! Except me, I’m a big fan of quieter areas.

Someone’s breaking in somewhere but Maloney can’t hear it if it’s his house, he’s enjoying domestic bliss with Julie. That was quick, wasn’t it? He’s glad she wants to stick around, the last had to move out of the city to end a relationship with him and you left out the part where she was mourning a recently deceased husband, Maloney. Pffst

Maloney’s finally realised he’s sharing too much work information with Julie, who’s making leaps and bounds on her own. He goes to run a bath and sneaks down to see Julie picking away at his computer and jumping away from it when Rose comes in. Ah Maloney, I hope the sex was awesome! Sounds like it!

Let’s celebrate, Rose got that flat! Woot! It looked lovely, all modern and sleek and quite Rose’s style.

Anna is terrified by who’s come to see her, who is that? Marcus, one presumes? Glover?

Rose has finally noticed that Maloney is down in the dumps, tell her why, Maloney! He figures the meet was a set-up and Rose laughs at first and then realises he’s probably right. This exchange right here:

R: Was she that good in bed, Maloney?

M: bloody terrific

R: well you have your memories

Why does this keep happening to him? It’s because they don’t know him like she does, that’s it

Max storms in just then; Marcus has Kenny. Or does he? He leaves and a fax comes in from Anna; she’s re-re-canting her testimony and maybe she has Kenny. There is something not adding up with Marcus and the crime.

Rose gets a call then from Glover, perhaps he can shed some light on the subject. She meets him at his miserable little flat with his Murder Wall just like she used to have. Up are pics of the people killed in the fire at the apartment complex that burned down, Rose laughs ruefully when she hears the name Arkwright Court. It must be the same place where she just rented, the new built over the site after the fire.

Glover’s been suspended, he won’t work again, Marcus has won there too. He hands her his wire, he’s relying on her, Rose, go get ‘im.

Julie arrives at Maloney’s flat with flowers, she can tell he’s worked it out and drops the act. She was paid to help them find the boy, now she’s been paid up and them game is over. He sends her to get her things and scrolls through her phone, hopefully noting something important before bidding her adieu with a “piss off Julie.”

It was indeed Arkwright Court that Rose has moved into, she’s having a meeting with Marcus now and I hope she has that wire on! He wants to know what she did to his mother and he’d give her this flat, anything, if she’d give him his son.

Rose is confused but I’m not, I didn’t think he had Kenny. I do appreciate that he spoke clearly into the microphone about killing the Kurdish immigrants that lived in the slums that were here before this modern new building was erected by him, though.

Maloney calls, he’s on to something! Max has come to see his dad, he wants Kenny back. There is spitting and then they see Rose run out and they’re off after her! What’s this now? Rose is DRIVING AND has a flat of her own? We’re back to Rose and Maloney season one!

Maloney’s tracked the number in Julie’s phone to a property just out of town, it’s got…ALAN innit? What? I know forensics were slightly more rudimentary back in 1998, but surely they checked to see if people actually DIED?

He invites them in and then pulls a gun on them; he has Kenny and he was the one who sent Julie. Ahhh and he was the one who set up the murders, he couldn’t handle that he’d been made a fool of in such spectacular fashion by Danuta and he thought by her family.

Ahhh and Kenny hearing Uncle Marcus’s voice was a result of Alan playing a recording he’d taken at meetings.

Max bursts through the window just as Alan’s about to shoot them both, that’s it, crime solved! Kenny found!

Marcus and his lawyer are ecstatic at Rose’s recording of Alan’s confession, slightly less so when they hear what she got on him saying he killed the Kurdish people who were in the way of his business. Sgt. Glover comes in to deliver the coup de grace and all is right with the world.

FINALLY the music is accurate for the scene! Light guitar strumming is lovely for a takedown of a murderous millionaire property developer with no regard for human life!

And this is the last we see of Rose and Maloney; her returning his compliment with interest. Shall they get on with it?

Cheers, you lot! Thank you to everyone for reading along, all the lurve to LB for suggesting this early Sarah Lancashire gem and snaps to Dixie who posted several of them on the Sarah Lancashire Fan Facebook page. Check out some of my other offerings if you like, how about The Fall? Or Paranoid perhaps? Okay, River, it was awesome. Until next time!